Yikes. It's been some time since I've written; the last place I posted was in Infidelity. I posted one time in Piecing several months ago -- just as H and I started reconciling ... and about, oh, one day before I walked in on him and OW in bed together. Ouch!
For the benefit of those who don't know me, here's my sitch:
H 33, Me 28 (29 next month) with DD8 & DD9 from previous M Married: February 2004 Found out I was preggo Aug. 30, 2005; H was anxious about it, as we didn't exactly plan to have children other than my DDs. Bomb: Sept. 16, 2005. H, out of the blue, said he had never loved me -- in fact, he said he hated me -- and had been lying to me about loving me all three years we had been together. He left. I had *no* idea he had somebody waiting in the wings for him... Bomb #2: December 2005. H starts coming back around slooooowly, and we initiate talks about reconciliation. (He had told me he had taken a girl out "a few times, but nothing ever happened.") We went to my 18-week ultrasound together and found out we would have a son. The following day, I walked in on H and OW in bed together. I found out who OW was: She had been working with my H on a design project -- in my home -- and she knew I was preggo. The little witch; she was always sweet as pie with me on the phone. Anyway, me walking in on their little party prompted yet another one of H's "explosions." He told me how badly he hated me, he didn't want the baby, yada, yada, yada. January 19, 2006: H -- who had moved to a different town -- calls to tell me he's going to the house to remove a branch off the roof that had been there a while. Yeah, okay. I met him at the house, but pretended I didn't get his message (I had just filed a counter suit to his separation papers the day before, and I wanted to make sure I had not left the paperwork out for him to find.) H starts talking about how irrational his decisions had been and how he realized that what he perceived as my controlling behavior was actually me trying to protect him from making the stupid mistakes he had made since leaving. Bomb #3: OW is preggo. Surprise, sur-freakin'-prise. Jan. 21: A very apologetic H asks if he can come back home and tells me he had left me to pursue the grass on the other side of the fence. And in doing so, he said he learned that there's no one else he'd rather be with.
I took a chance ... a big one ... and told him that if he wanted to reconcile, he would have to move back into our house that night -- he couldn't spend another night at his apartment, to which Psycho-OW had a key and would creep in at 3 a.m. and cry on the couch after H told her he was coming back home.
Since that night, H hasn't gone so far as another room from me. He's been wonderful, very apologetic, very helpful, and he is wildly in love with our son, who was born May 8. (I might post about that another time.)
So why am I back on the boards? Well, things have settled a little. My hormones are getting back to normal -- whatever normal is. And now reality is sinking in. OW's due date is quickly approaching -- it's the end of July. We haven't heard from her since I sent her a letter in response to her obsessive communication with my H. I told her that I stood behind my H and would support him whatever his decision re: the baby ... including fighting for custody, if that was his desire (and it's not).
Here's a little background on Witchy Woman: By the time she was only 9 weeks pregnant, she had convinced my gullible H that she was having a boy. She even let H name him. But about a month ago, all the blue items on her baby registry mysteriously turned to pink. What a freakin' fruitcake!
BTW, I'm operating under the assumption that she *is* preggo and that the baby *is* my H's. I've accepted that.
What I'm sure I will continue to grapple with -- especially considering this new, wonderful R my H and I have found -- is why it all had to happen in the first place. On one hand, I truly believe that without that terrible four months, my H wouldn't feel nearly as intensely about me or our son as he does now. But on the other hand, my bubble of bliss is burst every time I think about how quickly July is approaching -- every time I remember that he created a life with someone after only being with her for two months. I feel they both cheated me and my son out of something. And that is much, much more difficult to accept ...
How am I coping? Well right now, by simply not talking about it. And that *could* be unhealthy. Then again, I don't necessarily feel I'm repressing anything. I just don't want to talk about it. That's all. And I know my H doesn't want to talk about it, either.
We hashed a lot out in the beginning, but if she becomes the topic of our conversations now, we both get really bummed out. At this point, we're just waiting everything out as far as her baby is concerned. But there is a part of me that feels like my feelings are being somewhat put off. Had it *only* been an A, I think we could talk more freely about everything. But add a child to the mix, and it becomes very difficult to talk about things -- it just upsets both of us.
And another reason I'm back on the boards: I made some awesome friends here who were able to put a smile on my face during four of the most miserable months of my life. *That* is a gift ... and an invaluable one at that.
I can't promise I'll be on here a lot, but I do plan to check in. It feels good to be back among friends...
Welcome back and congrates on all your hard work including the birth of your son.
I found after getting back together with my H, there wasn't alot of info or help on the next stage of forgetting all the pain. Maybe b/c its all a waiting game.
Do you know for sure or not that she is preg? If she is could you get a DNA test?
PLW
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
Quote: BTW, I'm operating under the assumption that she *is* preggo and that the baby *is* my H's. I've accepted that.
These seem like two mighty big ASSumptions in this case. Has anybody seen her lately? (She ought to appear obviously pregnant by now). Have arrangements been made to have a paternity test done as soon as she delivers?
As for the color change on her baby registry - hmmm, did she do that AFTER finding out you were having a boy, I wonder?
Don't borrow trouble. I'm still betting she isn't even pregnant (she never sent you real proof, after all, did she?). Enjoy the here and now. And i know it's hard, but have some compassion for the strain your gullible H is under, believing he is having another child with OW (I won't believe it until I see it, personally. Her behavior was just too manipulative and full of lies. I'm guessing July will pass, and August, and no baby.).
You can't change the past - look towards the future with your H.
I have not seen OW, so I can't say for sure that she's preggo. But I feel like she probably is. I found her baby registry, and surely she wouldn't keep the charade up this long if it weren't true. I mean, it's been more than three months since H came home, ya know?
But, yes, if she comes after us for child support, H will demand a paternity test. But as I said, I do feel like the baby's his. He left me Sept. 16 and according to OW's due date, she got preggo sometime mid-Nov. That would have still been their "honeymoon stage," so surely she wasn't sleeping around on H. I dunno. There's always the possibility the baby isn't his, but I guess I don't want to live in some fantasy world. Maybe I'm just bracing myself for the worst. I don't want to be disappointed, ya know?
I know you're bracing for the worst - and that's probably wise - BUT - by not insisting on proof that she's pregnant, it's also possible that you and H have suffered all this time for NOTHING!!!!
Answers to a couple of your questions are in my response to PLW. Except this one:
As for the color change on her baby registry - hmmm, did she do that AFTER finding out you were having a boy, I wonder?
Nope. She knew I was having a boy almost as soon as I found out in December. H told her after we went to the ultrasound and found out ourselves.
She actually didn't "find out" she was preggo until the *day* of that ultrasound. Or at least that's when she told H. She also immediately told him she was carrying a boy. When H came back home, he continued to call my baby by *her* baby's name. I would calmly remind him of *our* baby's name until it finally stuck. That tells you how much she had pumped H's head full of sh!t in the few weeks that he was with her after finding out she was preggo.
Honestly, I still hold onto hope that your intuition is right. It's certainly proven to be right before. Thanks for your encouragement.
Congrates on the little guy. Sorry you have to go through the prego OW experience. That's a tough experience(PA)/lesson(child) to go through and very hard to shake from your life. However it sounds like your up to the task. Most people take a few marriages to learn what your husband just did, that the challenges in marriage are the same regardless of which relationship, it's how we choose to look at them and work at the relationship that makes the outcome better. (This was relayed to me by a man in his second M. His Dad told him this while the Dad was in his third M.)
You can't tell me children don't learn relationship skills from their parents. Hopefully your H has learned his lesson and is now fully committed. I wish you luck.
Oh and Ellie, you're right about demanding proof. But I decided when H came home that I would leave that up to him -- in fact, I've left pretty much the whole sitch up to him. His philosophy, I guess, is just to leave things alone until they blow up. That's not my philosophy, but I decided to back up totally out of this madness and let H deal with it since he's the one that created it. And he wanted to cut off *all* communication with her; in fact, he has convinced himself that she isn't preggo.
And, yes, I'm still affected by it, but I haven't been too awful miserable. OW and her pregnancy are honestly a fleeting thought. In fact, I've thought about her more today, writing on the boards, than I have since January. Not that that's a bad thing -- it's probably therapeutic for me in a way.
VERY nice to see you back again, on the other side of the fence...sorta. I will try to keep up with your progerss but for now, congrats on the kiddo and the reconciliation. I wish you all the best.
Yeah, okay. I met him at the house, but pretended I didn't get his message (I had just filed a counter suit to his separation papers the day before, and I wanted to make sure I had not left the paperwork out for him to find.) H starts talking about how irrational his decisions had been and how he realized that what he perceived as my controlling behavior was actually me trying to protect him from making the stupid mistakes he had made since leaving.
