Well, time to end my last thread. Time to move forward. Had a few realizations over the past week and thought I would just journal them here.
First, H got pretty upset with me last week over something I said. He was voicing a concern about a family function and I was trying to come off as "well, there isn't anything we can do about it, so let's not worry about it. it's not your problem." It totally threw him into a tizzy about how unsupportive I am and how horrible I react to situations like this and this is the reason why he never wants to talk to me about anything anymore. Woah. Talk about a 2x4. Even today, I don't fully understand what I did. But, it did make me realize that he has R issues with me. Even though he has said that he doesn't, he does. He just sweeps them under the carpet. So, I don't want to dredge up the issue, but I am thinking about what happened and what I can do to be more supportive in situations like that. I guess I dont' really need to say anything. Perhaps the next time something like that happens, I'll just be quietly supportive? Or say something like "Oh, I know that's going to be a tough situation."
The other thing is that he really reads into my facial expressions. I guess I "give a lot of looks". I don't realize I am doing this and I don't know how to change it. I know it's mostly his problem and I can't control how he interprets my facial expressions. BUT, it's a big problem between us.
The other thing that I have realized lately is that I really don't enjoy life. I don't enjoy the GREAT life that I have. I have a great husband, a beautiful son, a fantastic family, a job to pay my bills and put food on the table, a beautiful house, two cars that are fairly new, one of which is paid off, a college education, full use of all of my limbs, good health, my sight, my hearing...a whole SLEW of fabulous things in my life that I do not appreciate. I spend all of energy thinking about all the bad things that are going on and the very few negative things in my life. I am wasting my life away. It's time to change this, immediately.
Last night we worked in our beautiful yard. H planted the rose bush his work gave us. DS and I played ball, while H worked. We went for a walk in the neighborhood, cooked burgers on the grill. We are having beautiful spring weather, it was a great night.
As far as our SL goes right now. Things are off limits until I recover from the procedure. Which is okay. I am still working thru the feelings of our loss and ML will be a harsh reminder of that. I can't help but have the feelings of "wanting to try" even tho we weren't in the first place. Having to use birth control will be sad.
Last night H came up to me (I was working on the computer for my own business) and gave me a little squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. It was the sweetest thing he's done in awhile and the most "spontaneous", it really made me feel good.
Well, enough rambling. Time to go back to work!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
FWIW - I KNOW that my H has some issues with me. However, he rarely will address them or even admit to them. I find that makes it very difficult to expect there to be much progress.
Sometimes I almost get the feeling that our M is 70% lie:
He lies when he says he's attracted to me but chooses to mb instead.
He lies when he says he doensn't have any issues with me but clearly he does.
He lies when he says that our SL is important to him and yet, is reluctant to have sex.
He lies when he says that he wants us to be intimate in other ways besides sexual then fills his life with other stuff so that there isn't any time.
Basically, the entire part that defines the difference between a coparent/good friend and a wife/lover.
Which part isn't a lie? He loves me. He thinks I'm a good Mom. He thinks I'm a good partner. He appreciates that I'm a hard worker. Sure. I'm a good person to be married to for the most part.
Nicky, it will be a while until you recover from this. Give yourself plenty of time. I didn't find it hard to ml but I did find other things hard. I found it hard to watch DD2 learn new things and come ever closer to being a "big" girl, I found my periods to be hard (reminders of what I had lost), I found it hard on the date that would have been the due date - odd things were hard.
How about if you and your H just do some nice stuff for each other like giving a foot massage or something?
I can totally relate to the part about thinking this R is a lie and I totally "ditto" all of what you said. Sometimes it gets really lonely and when I'm feeling really down I have to remind myself of all the good I have in my life. I guess that's what I was doing...reminding myself!
Well, I can now scratch "having a job" off my list of things I am grateful for! I got laid off on Friday. So, now I am a "stay at home mom" on unemployment! It shouldn't be too bad, with DS out of daycare, the difference in my unemployment compensation evens out. My in-laws have a pool a couple blocks away so we'll be hanging at the pool this summer! My job will hopefully bring me back in a couple months when the "financial situation" resolves. Hmmm...we'll see. Otherwise it'll be finding a new job this fall. Yuk.
Today is my 9-year anniversary. H totally forgot to even say Happy Anniversary to me this morning. When I finally said it to him he was like "oh, I'm sorry." He is working late tonight so we won't even get to have dinner together. We don't usually exchange gifts, instead opting for a "date night" out. He hasn't even mentioned anything about planning that. Oh well. I guess this month has taken it out of me. I am tired of trying and need him to give something. But, he doesn't rememeber that he needs to give and so instead of being the nagging wife this time, I'm just not saying anything.
See ya'll later, have a great night.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I am very sorry about your job sitch. I hope that isn't too much of a blow to your ego. I hope you understand it is a reflection of the economy, and not your 'worth' as a person or employee. I can tell you... as a person who has to face 'laying off' people, it is a fcking nigtmare.
I can also tell you as a previous LD... I used to DREAD anniversarys and birthdays... and V-Day... and any holiday pre-schdeduled... any time alone that could be constrused as... 'but you SHOULD WANT to BE with ME and have SEX with me time...!!!!"
It just DOES NOT work that way for a person who is exhibiting LD tendencies. And I say this because I am NOT a believer in LD/HD.
Tell me honestly... were you WAITING for your H to acknowledge your anniversary before he left for work? Were you EXPECTING him to do something in a particular way to acknowledge your anniversary? Just because you said happy anniversary BEFORE he did... did that make anything he did as a follow up null and void of valid meaning?
Facial expressions are a gateway to the soul. What are you expressing on a soul level that you do NOT realize is being conveyed through your facial expressions...that you have not already expresed here... which is... you are dissapointed in your H, your M, your life. He is not what you want... nor what you will ever want... and how the heck could you NOT expect him to pick up on that?
Thanks for stopping by my post...I read a lot of your posts and really respect what you have to say. So, here are some answers.
Regarding my job. I am not that upset with my lay off. I know it's about the company's instability and has nothing to do with me. My boss tells me daily how much he appreciates what I do and how valuable I am to our department. I was more upset about losing the friendships I have there and not getting to see my mom everyday (she works there too). I gave up worrying about my professional ego when I took this job in the first place. I have a degree in Interior Design and was working as a Recruiter for Physical and Occupational Therapists. So, by not working in Design, I felt like I compromised myself professionally. Anyway, it was a good choice; it allowed me the freedom I needed with a newborn.
Regarding our anniversary. Yes, I was expecting him to remember and say it first. I think the part that hurt the worst was that he actually forgot it. He responded with, "Oh my god, I forgot." With the miscarriage and lay off, yes, I am feeling a little down. I really needed him to be more for me.
I am the type to dread any holiday, only because I feel like I have such high expectations of what it's supposed to be. I fantasize about the man in my life making those days special, or at least acting more attentive. It's a disappointment I bring on myself, I know.
I guess when H says I make those expressions, I am always feeling that he is being so negative and down about whatever it is he’s talking about and that I wish he'd just get over it. I have little tolerance for people who ALWAYS complain and are negative. I know there's a time and place, but it's really draining when that's the way they react to things.
The only part I that I will disagree with you on is when you said that my H is not what I want, or will ever want. I want my H more than any other person. I can learn to accept that he is not able to totally be the person that I want him to be. There are things that I do for him that is not "me", I do them because I love him and that's what he needs. I want him to do the same for me. I think the feeling is more like sadness than disappointment. I feel like he is not willing to give to me as I have to him. It was the number one thing that has come up in MC. I need QT. He knows it, what else can I do? I can’t make him spend time with me or be cuddly and romantic. Not only can I not make him do it, but also I don’t want to. He used to be like that, it’s in him, and he knows how to do it. So, should I not be expecting him to step up and do what I need? Is there something I can change?
Thanks again, looking forward to your response,
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
DS and I went swimming at my inlaws. H had to work late, so my mom came over and had dinner with DS and I. Then we went out for ice cream.
H and I spent about a half hour on the couch in front of the tv. I went to bed and he stayed up.
I guess it got better from a "normal day" perspective. But from an anniversary perspective it stunk!
Oh well, there is always next year!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
