I am a pessimist by nature about these matters so take my comments from that perspective. By background, my wife become ND after many years of marriage. Although we have been to councelling and my wife has been to see doctors on the situation, she has remained ND for a dozen years. We have fought, I have semi threatened, pleaded, left it in her court for months and years and no change has occured. It is a miserable existence to be the spouse of a ND Husband or wife. Anyway, the fact is my wife is now ND and doesn't want sex. She truly sees the lack of sex as my "problem" - after all she has no desire for sex so why is that her problem.
So what is my point? I think you are in a very difficult position. How will your wife regain (or is it gain) desire without a significant amount of effort and probably third party intervention? Is she willing to put in a very significant, meaningful and heartfelt effort to become a sexual being? On the other hand does she really see this as your problem and only put in a bare minimum effort to appease you by submitting to infrequent and unpassionated duty sex and hope that you will eventually leave her alone? These are questions you should ask yourself - if you don't see any real effort on her part, I suspect that she subscribes to the "this is your problem and I will put in the bare minimum effort approach". I know this is all condoned by her female friends which makes the idea of true change even more remote. In this case you are in a doomed relationship no matter what. You can soon expect to have a truly passionate moment that would be dependent a combination of factors including how high you leap, the color of the moon and the alignment of Jupiter and Mars in the third alternating leap year in a decade begining with an odd number.
As to whether your wife finds you physically appealing any more, from what you say, it appears that you have kept yourself up - also you have only been married a short time before the ND behaviour commenced. I doubt that your physical attractivenes has anything to do with the situation. I know it is difficult to feel good about yourself when you are constantly rejected and live in a housebuddy relationship.
You also indicate that your instincts seem to indicate that she married you to provide financial security for her and her kids and now that she has reeled you in she has thrown away the bait and the fishing rod. Can't say that I disagree with your instincts from the way you describe the situation.
I feel for you Truman - you seem like a decent guy with a very difficult choice.
Quote: I recognize my W is LD, although it seems oddly coincidental that she had a regular drive pre-marriage and as soon as we got married, there was a drive change. Perhaps this is coincidental, but it's pretty hard to disregard that time line.
The book "Peace Between the Sheets" specifically addresses this issue, which, it appears, is pretty common.
Many thanks for the feedback, it's all helpful. Being that you have dealt with for many years without progress is definitely concerning if I apply it to my situation. I hang my hopes on my W previously having a standard to high drive, but again it sounds like your wife made that change as well and it never came back. By the way, she may need a female surgery that is said to reduce drive further...ouch.
My W has tried so that's positive. Her attempts are somewhat sporadic, but there is effort. As far as "duty" sex, I am not sure if that's what she is doing all, some or none of the time. She has not been totally forthcoming with information as well as ommitted information from discussions so I am also dealing with uncertainties even when she does discuss the issue. I will say she has tried though unfortunately without a lot of results. She has been "turned on" more lately and sometimes that ends up being something, but mostly it ends up as nothing.
I think she sees it as both our problems; i.e. her wanting none and me wanting too much (i.e. more than 1/month). Anyway, the whole scenario can be a mind twister, if you let it. We need to be sexually compatible or it is not going to work out, plain and simple...this is why we had these discussions pre-marriage. If I bring up the discussions, she get's angry. However; I am still held to the fire to provide my end.
The book didn't depress me... It made me feel more "normal" than I have felt in four years. It gave me hope that what some of us are going through is biologically based in many ways and perfectly natural (even if unpleasant). The book is discussed in the thread called "Manipulation through Genes and Biology."
Quote: Anyway, the fact is my wife is now ND and doesn't want sex. She truly sees the lack of sex as my "problem" - after all she has no desire for sex so why is that her problem.
If sex is your problem, then tell her that you will assume responsibility for your sexual needs. Tell her that you will see other women "just for sex". She should have absolutely no problem with this. Afterall, it will be a man taking "Responsibility" for his sexual needs, right?
It amazes me that in this day of information that their are people out there that see it as "normal" to not have sex with their spouses. There are a bizillion self help books on relationships out there and almost NONE of them would suggest that lack of sex is a good thing in marriage, and yet your wife thinks it is ok?
I guess you're probably getting the idea here that it isn't going to get better if something doesn't change. She likely won't change and you won't get used to not having sex.
Is this how you want to live for the next 30, 40, 50 years? It takes a LONG time for a sex drive to drop. If you're like me, you'll be spending most of your life frustrated and horny.
You've told her of your issues and her response is "sporatic." It will become more sporatic as time goes on.
You can approach her with the attitude: I am unhappy with the way things are going and I don't see much change for the better. I dearly want to work with you on this. I've done some reading on Sex Starved Marriages and I know I'll never get used to going without sex. I won't live in misery for the next 30 years.
If she doesn't take you seriously - start thinking about divorce. I hate to say that, but with so little invested in your M and so much potential for non-stop frustration for the next 30 years, I'd say there are worse options.
AND FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, MAN, DO NOT HAVE KIDS!!!! Not until you have this issue resolved.
Lillieperl: I know I should pick up the book, as you suggested. It's probably not that the book itself would depress me, but rather I find myself getting bummed when I research & read (which I have done so much of) the issues that I am experiencing. Throughout this time, I have tried so hard to remain positive so I just fear reading more will frustrate me. Even if there is a biological origin to her LD, it still seems that it will not change back and so I spiral into frustration.
NHTom: Actually, I take some comfort from your words in that I am not a jerk for considering a departure. She says she loves me and has made efforts to work on this issue. The sporadic part is the infrequency of sex. As I said she has/is trying (at least on the surface), but at the same time, we have not gotten a lot of results. Perhaps this is just the way that it is and that will not change, without laying blame at anyone's door.
You are also right that I doubt my drive will decrease anytime soon. My W and I both stay in good shape (for me this increases drive). Also my W is an extremely attractive woman, it's funny sometimes to see the double takes men do when they notice her. I am not a jealous person so I just laugh about it.
Perhaps at first, she did not take it seriously and she did say that she is fine with our situation - it's me that is not. However; over the last 1-1.5 years she has worked on it. She knows it's important and recognizes (via MC) that my expectations are not abnormal. The MC went so far as to call it a sexual disfunction, which I quickly squashed as that "label" will only cause her more aprehension.
At the end of the day, after MC, Doctors, Hormone tests, etc. the question is where do I go if it stays "status quo"? As you said, embarking on 30+ years of sexual frustration is a tough pill to swallow.
Well you guys all sound familiar. My situtaion is a little different in that we have been married 9 years and over the last few years her interest has declined. I have tried to liven things up sometimes and she responds, but if I dont start it then nothing will happen. Recently after returning from a trip, we ML two nights in a row and after the second I came upon her crying she lied as to why, but later I found out that she was having deep feelings for a celebrity. Huh? Well long story short, we had a romantic weekend away after several fights, and there it was great, but as soon as we came home, anytime we have done anythign I have had to force her, and its now causing me problems with it physically. I dont want to force her either, but I build her up which works me up and I am stuck. I am sure that our recent fights have caused her reluctance, but she also dropped the bomb that I remind her of some bad things that happened early on to her. So now I am really hosed. So the last time, I got a blatant refusal, first one ever in 9 years, when I immediately stopped touching her I got a "just get it over with"... So as I see it, she is done ML for a long time to come...it makes me think even though we have had problems getting her motivated before, that it is now due to her feelings for the fantasy man. I know she has had problems in the past, but this is not the time for her to be refusing me.
