Why are you afraid you will never be happy? I understand what you mean by "real" sex...and I would agree, having to adjust to not having normal intercourse would be difficult. People do it though. I mean...Dana & Christopher Reeves both said they had a very satisfying sex life....and look at them (drastic example huh?).
Ok, I will try to answer that one. I can agree with everything you have said. Why do I feel the way I do? For 8 years H didn't even kiss me, touch me or try to please me in anyway whatsoever. I had totally given up at that point. We still to this day sleep in different beds. He feels about once every couple months is sufficient. I can tell you exactly what he does and I can tell you how I have tried to get him to do things I like, but he doesn't listen to me. To him, his way is the best way. I think I harbor alot of resentment on various different things.
I guess in my mind (and it may not be this way for you). While yes, I would agree I would probably miss "intercourse"...it's more important to me that my H make the effort to please me and satisfy me sexually.
If my H had ED (and I can only speak hypothetically about this) and he still tried to take care of me....manually/orally THAT to me would be a huge expression of love. Can you imagine what it must feel like to be a man with ED who wants to ML to his wife, but can't get an erection? How emasculating that would be....yet he works through that embarrassment to still attempt to take care of you. I find that an amazing thing Annette, I truly do. I do too GEL, I was flabergasted when 2 years ago he came to me and said he knew things were not as I had wanted my life to be and he wanted to try to fix them. However, what I have asked, he has not done, or even started doing. I so wish I had the information then that I do now. Out of curiosity....are there things your H could do for you that would spice up what you two currently do? Would that help? Yes, there are things he could do and I have told him many times what those things are. He does not listen. Perhaps we ought to move this convo to another thread so we don't hijack this further from Brian_M. Thats exactly what I did
We still to this day sleep in different beds. It sounds like you have made progress in your M, so what is stopping you from rejoining into a single bed again?
He feels about once every couple months is sufficient. I can tell you exactly what he does and I can tell you how I have tried to get him to do things I like, but he doesn't listen to me. To him, his way is the best way. I think I harbor alot of resentment on various different things. Ouch!!!! I don’t think any one would blame you for harboring resentment over that kind of treatment. I won’t even ask if you have talked about this because I am sure that you have. However, what would it take to get through to him and make him realize that he needs to consider your needs?
If my H had ED (and I can only speak hypothetically about this) and he still tried to take care of me....manually/orally THAT to me would be a huge expression of love. What about getting an implant? Implants don’t’ require any kind of drugs, needles, preparation, or unpleasant components. Have you run this possibility by him? I met a guy that had this procedure done and said it was a huge restoration of confidence for him. He could be ready any time, any place, and for any duration without worry. He said it made him feel like a teenage sex god again.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
It was Him who left the M bed. He now has his own room with a king sized bed in it that he and the dogs sleep on. I can't even get near him on the couch for the dogs.
It was Him who left the M bed. He now has his own room with a king sized bed in it that he and the dogs sleep on. I can't even get near him on the couch for the dogs.
I am at a loss for what to say because I cannot possibly fathom why he would choose to be alone over being with you. What do you think you would have to do or say to him in order to change this situation?
Implant? wouldn't that involve surgery?
Well, yes, some sort of surgery is required. Though, there are a number of implants options out there now with varying degrees of risk. For example, at the low end of risk, he can pop a pill, get a little local anesthetic, and then have hard silicon injected. It is not that big of a deal but will still yield very satisfying results. Yes, there is the obvious draw back that will be constantly sporting a um….well, you get the idea. Still, it is really not that big of a deal when weighed against the benefits to his M. If you have not researched this, I highly recommend that you thoroughly investigate all the options and talk it over with a few different doctors before making any decisions.
If I ever end up with ED, I will be getting the hydraulically powered pearl twisting vibrating super deluxe implant
Quote: What do you think you would have to do or say to him in order to change this situation?
I honestly don't know Brian. There has always been something or someone (animals included) that are a priority over me. His problems with ED were not the beginning of our sex problems. Wayyyyyyyyyyyy before that he was LD and abused alcohol.
If implants involve surgery......... He has said he will not even consider surgery. thanks for the information though, I do appreciate it.
I hope I'm not making you repeat yourself, if I am I apologize. Would he go to MC with you, or area you two already going?
He obviously doesn't get that you require this physical connection with him in order to have and maintain a satisfactory emotional connection within your marriage.
I've found that with my H one of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome was to get him to see that a somewhat regular sexlife with him is something I REQUIRE in our M. That I needed HIM to make efforts in that area too and not leave it strictly up to me. I honestly believe he simply did not believe that I (a woman, duh!) needed/wanted sex with my H. My H had become conditioned to believe that women have sex....but we don't necessarily want it or need it.
Is it possible this is also the case with your H? If you think it might be....then MC is a must.
I think MC is a must, not necessarely for that, but for me also. I have alot of resentment from even the start of our M. Its real easy for people to say just let the resentment go, but that is easier said than done, especially when things are not changing.
Alcohol abuse can cause all kinds of conditions. I was dumb in thinking that if I could get the alcohol out of the relationship, it would be ok. It doesn't work that way. Do you and H have problems with the alcohol? Not just your SL but other problems? I can tell you that Alanon was a great source of information and help to me. I found out I was actually enabling him to drink. It was a big surprise to me. I wish you the best.
He has said he will not even consider surgery. thanks for the information though, I do appreciate it.
