I guess at a loss for words. I am si lost about what to think. <----- That is me.
Okay just this morning. Well, lets back up the hubby and I got into an arguement over some stupid stuff this past weekend. He got mad and left for like 4 hours. He was blowing off steam and no big deal. But okay here is where I am really at a loss. We have been working on things. Had some real positives happening.But this morning I went into his wallet for his insurance card to get a number off it for a claim I was working on. There in his wallet was a condom. Let me state husband and I never use condoms at all. Okay and there is a receipt for gas and a 3 package box of condoms. He bought these yesterday. Soooooooo he gets up today and I ask him about it. he turns it around onto me. Telling me how I am a snoop and nobody has any privacy in this house except for me. That he was ONLY doing that to test me by buying this package of condoms. he said he threw the other 2 away and left the one in his wallet because all he needed was the one to prove his point. Now when he came home yesterday I called him on the cell and asked him if he was soon to be coming home because I may have to go into work. Okay turned out I didn't have to go into work. But he came home soon real soon after that call. This bothered me a little because the only person I know who lives that close to us is this girl he works with. ( she is married and much to young for my husband in my opinion) I know he talks to her but deep dpwn I have never really worried about my husband having an affair. So I was just a little agitated at him and told him false alarm I don;t have to go to work so you can go back to X's house again. So today when I am confronting him he tells me yeah I even told X about what you said at work this morning and she said man your wife is an aXXhole doesn't she know I am married. I told him I thought that was inappropriate for him to be telling her anything and making me look bad to people I don't really know. He said I am not the one who said that about you she did. He was just in complete denial and acting irrogant! So when I approach him again I am going to tell him I will confront her myself. Do you think that is a good idea or bad? Part of me just thinks he is full of crap that she said anything. But maybe I am wrong. I guess kind of like calling his bluff. He started telling me also that I am just like my dad and want to make this all about me.
I did devote myself to work on this marriage. But man I just don't know. Also he had his ring off and told me he only took it off because he does that at work. Which I do believe. But I know he didn't have that ring on yesterday but he keeps telling me he did.
he was ONLY doing that to test me by buying this package of condoms. ????????????????? That answer is so unlikely it's almost laughable. Not that your situation is not serious. I am so sorry you are dealing with that mess. But let's face reality, the most likely answer is usually the easiest answer. He bought the condom to to have sex. I'm not sure what confronting the OW would gain. She will lie too. I think his answer is ridiculous though, fwiw.
Cally, from a man's perspective I can tell you that I doubt someone would do that to test you. I could be wrong, but it doesn't ring true to me. Also, men and women lie differently. Was he overly detailed? Women tend to give the shortest, least detailed answer if they are lying. Men, because we THINK we are so clever, usually will over state the details in a cover story.
Example: He says he was going to the grocery store to buy milk but comes home empty handed.
Man telling truth: They were out of 2%.
Man lying: They were out of 2%. They had aisles of whole milk but the only 2% was one expired and one damaged with a broken corner and I was afraid it would leak. The damn traffic was so backed up getting there, you know with that new traffic light they are putting in two blocks down, that I was too p-off to go to another store. Oh by the way, I ran into my high school buddy Tom when I was there.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Cally You busted him prepping for or already engaged in an PA.
Quote: Telling me how I am a snoop and nobody has any privacy in this house except for me.
Defensive BS to try and weasel his way out of responsibility.
Quote: That he was ONLY doing that to test me by buying this package of condoms. he said he threw the other 2 away and left the one in his wallet because all he needed was the one to prove his point.
Again, BS. He has the other two stashed. Ask for details. Where did he throw them away? Was it at the store where he bought them? Did he just stand there on the curb of the 7 Eleven, unwrap a box of condoms in plain sight, and then throw two of them away?
Quote: I told him I thought that was inappropriate for him to be telling her anything
Exactly! It is inappropriate for him to be discussing her personal marriage issues with another woman.
Quote: So when I approach him again I am going to tell him I will confront her myself. Do you think that is a good idea or bad?
Bad idea. It will anger him and make your situation worse. At this point, it probably would not make any difference any way.
All the sings of what you have described scream “WARNING!”. At the very least, it is time to get really serious about your trouble areas really fast. Plus, I think he just handed your rights to racket up the a$$ kicking a bit. Though, if you want my suggestion, the absolute best weapon you can yield right now would be to make sure he leaves home F’ed so silly that he won’t even be able to think about an OW. The fact that he bought condoms most obviously says that he is not happy with sex with you. Thus, if you do a 180 and work on getting the SL back up to a roar, that should address his most obvious problem area. Yea, yea, I know…that is a complicated and difficult topic. Still, think about it.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I hate to tell you this but your H is sending you RED FLAGS of an A.
Personally, I don't know that I'd confront the OW at this point. You need to start snooping, and hard. It's very common for a cheater to tell you things the OW never said...to deflect the blame off of him and make you look/feel like a fool. She probably NEVER said that to begin with.
You need to get ahold of his cell phone bills and see who he's talking to. You need to really start monitoring credit card activity and bank ATM withdrawls (account for all money to make sure it looks reasonable).
Your H has just done several things that IMPO would send me straight into detective mode (and I'm getting pretty darned good at that myself).
#1 He purchased condoms (when you two don't use them)
#2 He told you two of them were thrown away (yeah, right). Why throw any away?
#3 He accused you of snooping and invading his privacy (cause you caught him with a condom in his wallet and knew he'd bought 3 of em).
#4 This may be nothing, but your H coming home really early when he thought you wouldn't be around, combined with the other things is simply something to pay really close attention to.
#5 He supposedly discussed your M with another woman, if nothing else this is highly suspect and inappropriate.
If I were you....I'd...
Get copies of his cell phone records (for a few months back)
Install a keylogger on your computer to monitor his activities online. You'd be absolutely amazed how many people have their own outside e-mail addresses to keep A's underground. If he has an account you aren't aware of this will give you his User Name & Password so you can see what's up.
I'm really hoping he's not up to something, but you need to find out and ASAP. If he is having an A it could explain many of the problems you are experiencing in your M now.
He wasn't overly detailed I would say. But for everything I said he had a response. He had a quick response and tried to turn it all on me. My husband isn't a very talkative person. So his quick responses and the fact he responded surprised me.
Your H is lying to you. Accept it, but do not expect him to come clean about it.
If I were you, I would back off completely and act as if you have let the matter drop entirely. If you stay on this, he is going to get more defensive and more careful.
Pull the cell phone records. Gather everything you can. Hold onto your information, do not use anything to confront him.
If you really want to know, hire a private detective.
He is going to be on alert right now because you found the condoms, so you will have to remain calm and act as if everything is fine and dandy. In a few weeks, go to work early or come home early and see what's what.
You WILL find out, but you are going to have to build your strength and your mental toughness. Prepare yourself for the absolute worst...
To me, those condoms are already a smoking gun. I am so very, very sorry and I send you endless hugs. Stay strong, keep calm and keep your eyes open. Dig, girl.
Cally, certainly a spouse can go get an insurance card out of the other spouse's wallet without it being considered snooping. My W does that all the time and it doesn't bother me (although when she leaves me with less money than I thought I had it can be annoying). I'll go through her purse to find stamps. It is to be expected when you share a life that circumstances will require you to go through their things for various reasons. His defensiveness is a bit unsettling. IMPO he either has something to hide or perhaps is trying to get you to wonder what he is up to in an effort to shake things up in the same manner as when someone here (Chrissy maybe?) would leave brochures (sp?) for apartments lying around. Is there a chance he thinks that you take him for granted? That you are not willing to meet his needs no matter what and he thinks you think he will just live with it? I'm not saying that this is the case, just perhaps another reason why he would do this. After all, a wallet is not the most inconspicuous place to keep a condom. The telltale ring (that was the main reason we guys carried them in school) gives it away.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
Quote: Thus, if you do a 180 and work on getting the SL back up to a roar, that should address his most obvious problem area. Yea, yea, I know…that is a complicated and difficult topic. Still, think about it.
That is the hard part. I just don't feel sexual towards him at all. I don't have in my heart to initiate or act in a sexual way. I act in a caring way. So I am not mean. This lowered sex drive is a real 180 for me. I was HD for like 9 years I would say and he was LD. I went through so many stages during this time like:
Stage 1...confused. Why didn't he want me anymore. Stage 2...Hurt and sad. I love him so much and want us to express our love through love making. Maybe if I just love him more or do nicer things. Stage 3....Confidence level and ego shot down. He made a reference about my weight. So my self esteem was shot. During this stage I actually felt depressed and hopeless. Stage 4...Accept that maybe weight issues can affect a person so begin working on that. Go from a size 10-12 to a size 4. Confidence level goes up. Stage 5...so angry. Weight off and the only reason he would give. Worked so hard to get there only for it to not matter. Begin many talks where a lot of it ended up in anger and put downs like what is wrong with you. You are not a normal man. Stage 6...Realize anger is not getting anywhere. So try to handle this as gently as possible. Walk around on egg shells around him. Just try to be everything he needs. I improve myself and begin working. Start doing outside activities. I make new friends. My confidence level at an all time high. I work out to try and improve. I work on a lot of my behavior problems in the way I interact with him. I make a vow to make this marriage work. I see him in anger all the time. Unhappy about everything. Always comparing what other people have. Unhappy with himself and his appearance. Talks bad about me to other people. Stage 7...I still love him. In my heart I want the marraige to work. But I don't feel sexual towards him at all or romantic in any way. I don't feel like hugging or kissing him. I don't feel like I can count on him. He lashes out in anger at me more and more but yet I am a changed person. A better person towards him. At this stage I just feel like maybe this is all there is. It is the last stage and where it will remain. I feel like I have tried everything to try and fix this SSM to no avail. Funny thing is that in between the anger of his he has initiated sex. There has been happier times. I haven't denied him sex. In anger before he told me that he doesn't feel anything when we have sex sex. That he only has sex with me to just get a nut as he put it. That was about 5 months ago when he said this. This statement really hurt me to the core. But yet lately he has initiated quite a bit over the past 5 months. Well, quite a bit compared to his norm of nothing. And he always always tells me he loves me after we have made love. In fact he always hugs me and kisses me on the mouth and says I love you. It's not me saying it first so he feels obligated to say it back.
Maybe it bothers him that I am not sexual towards him. Maybe he is confused by the 180.
Also he had his ring off and told me he only took it off because he does that at work. Which I do believe. But I know he didn't have that ring on yesterday but he keeps telling me he did.