I'm an hour past watching my beloved husband/alien drive off to the airport to fly to England to spend ten days creating (what I believe will be; he says will most likely NOT be) a PA out of the EA he and "the lizard" have been having since January...
This woman was an email friend of mine: he and she fell in love via email (see my thread Mea Maxima Culpa in this area for details) We flew her here to the South in February for a week, during which my H changed from: "I'm working with you, my wife [me] , to help her break her free from her ex-boyfriend, and despite being in love with her, I will assist her finding her own mate/husband. I will NOT betray you!" ({eye roll} well, of course, that would be: any further than he HAS by falling in love with her and telling her so multiple times in front of me...) to "This is my future wife! No other man can ever have her!"
I am still reeling from the "bomb" in Feb ("I'm going to divorce you and marry her" -- thankfully not until 2008 for financial reasons -- so I have time to prepare and/or work to recover this!). and his complete change from an honourable and honest man into a complete liar, a plotter with her against me, and a cheater. I do NOT know who he is or how to evenslightly trust him (and I'm guessing trusting him is NOT the best idea right now! He's also 56, and, by the symptoms, DEEP in MLC!) (Oh, and he admits: he's like a junkie; he is obsessed,and will do whatever it takes to have his "fix." Even knowing it won't work out!)
I have many many email messages from her (and him) (much of our early "discussion" was three way, until they began shutting me out....) and I am SOOO tempted to send her an email -- as he spends the next ten hours getting to her -- NOT in my words, but just hers... Just a gathering of her swearing to me and giving oaths and insisting that she would never ever under any circumstance betray me with him -- that she does NOT date married men; she would NOT hurt me, her friend; and there is nothing in her that would allow her to do this....
(Including the one that REALLY incenses me! Back in the beginning of April, I overheard his side of their phone con (I had been snooping; I'm not yet sure I'm done snooping!) and SHE had suggested and outlined a plot (judging from his answers and discussion) to make me "believe" that they had broken up... This was her and his way/attempt to protect her: She has an international reputation, and I know her real name and connections. I have fantasized fondly of registering the URL "www.myhusbandsmistress" (Can you believe it? No one has registered that yet?!) and splashing her pix and info all over the web! Oh, and her own words from her messages....
And funny thing, my H had spend the last month working to "convince" me of just that... And even continued lying straight faced when I confronted him (I know... not DB; sorry -- I'm SOOO stressed!) about it; he wishes (he says) they had a plot so he wouldn't think things were so "iffy" between them... They plotted (I overheard) that he would be flying over there to "try to convince her" to take him back. Except , he forgot one day to close his email program -- and there it was: he had written her:
"The Plan worked perfectly! She [me] is totally convinced! She is suggesting I fly over there to 'catch you'. How do these dates work for you?"'
And then the lizard has the NERVE to write me *as they are planning this visit* that she has decided to marry the ex-boyfriend. That "ooohhhh being perceived as a homewrecker" is TOO stressful for her! And at the same time, she's asking HIM to explain further how he implemented the Plan, and how I reacted.
Now, every time I wrote her (I have not been in contact with her since April , at H's request and my own determination) she would freak out and accuse or insult or upset my H -- and then *I* had to deal with his moods and his blaming ME! (Even when he agreed completely with me that what I wrote was nice, kind, and even justified; since SHE was having hysterics -- and all that mattered was that he get and keep her -- I was "to blame" -- so I quit writing to her...)
So, I KNOW that writing to her in her own words will create some serious hysterics again. Even when I write vaguely to a list I run (that she is on, and I have not thrown her off, despite GREAT temptation) about the problems I'm having with my M -- she throws a screaming fit at my H -- and then HE gets furious at me! (And yet he won't tell me why, so I'm to blame in his eyes, and he has no desire to help fix it with me. Except I snoop, so I know why.) (And his fury comes after he has tried valiantly to get her to recognize that I have NOT "outed" her in any way-- the list does't even know he HAS a soon-to-be-mistress; just that he is divorcing me. But she's insane about him / me / the relationship... and so I know if I send her her own words -- he will be greeted (on his "vacation" with her) by her paranoia and hysteria... And then maybe there WON'T be the start of a PA... and the damaging of the EA...
The problem I have is I still think I want him back... This mess is so new; he is MLC and completely alien-infested; I still love him despite his lying and cheating and blaming me...
I have said from the beginning that I want, in ten years, for my H and me to be looking back on this as "that rough patch that saved and strengthened our marriage"! (As I discuss in my Mea Maxima Culpa thread -- he has come to realize, in these weeks with only phone and email to her, that it will NOT work long-term with her either... He sees in her all the "warning signs" he did in me, (that he and I would have trouble), only now, he says, he knows to believe them!
Sorry this message isn't entirely coherent.. I'm struggling with my desire to BURN her with her own lies!
Please, some wiser head, help me to see that I am just damaging my own future by trying to call her back to her supposed word...
Neo's Wife
p.s., On another note; I AM thinking of these ten days alone (only the third time in NINE YEARS he and I have been separated from each other for more than a few hours...!) as a chance to change myself. I'm going to reaarange furniture (and I DON'T care that he isn't here to approve or disallow it! ), and I'm joining the new local Y for their water aerobics class. I'm going to clean the heck out of the clutter and mess around the house (he's a clean-freak, I'm not -- that's a 180!). I have appts with two financial planners (divorce specialists) and a lawyer -- he knows about the financial guys -- her does NOT know about the lawyer appt!) I'm contemplating an appt with a local solution-based counselor, once I get some idea of what I WANT to be counseled on! I'm working on my 180 list, and will re-watch Michele's Marriage Breakthrough DVD (any of 'yall don't have it? GET IT!) Finishing DR and will now do the exercises and work outlined therein.
I plan to have a (written) plan, and some emotional fortitude, gathered together by the time he comes back (ten days) -- and yet I'm also panicked about HOW I will react to him... HE says we'll go "back to normal" (that is, normal for these past two months with her gone and him lovesick and moody?!) -- that would be fine for him but I don't think I can. And I DID ask him a couple times if he was making sure SHE has been tested for STDs; he got FURIOUS at me for asking, and said he was"taking care of it," (which doesn't mean JACK!) and besides they weren't "likely" to have any sexual contact while he's there.. Except, of course, even when*I* was in the house in Feb they had some sexual contact (albeit he won't tell me how much or what kind...) He assumes (he has even said several times to me -- as if *I* have no say in it!) that he intends that we (he and I) will resume such limited sexual contact as he and I have been having since he has been buoyed by her presence (virtual, not actual, thank goodness!) in his life...
(I hope it's not too graphic for this list to say that: for the first time in nearly 8 years, he is performimg oral sex on me, and letting me do so for him -- after having had no sexual contact of any sort (my weight/appearance being a problem for him) for nearly 8 years. Of course, early on, when he was love-intoxicated beyond rationality, he felt it was "cheating" (on her! ) to be acting sexually with me! Now it seems, as he has sobered up and realizes the lizard won't work out as he wishes, he seems quite happy to be "in love" (obsessed) with her, AND having a sort-of marriage with sort-of sexual relations with me.
I have ten days to figure that part out (maybe THAT'S what I need to discuss witht he SBT therapist!) {sigh}
My thread is under the Infidelity/Adultery section and is called Mea Maxima Culpa -- but I can't get the link to work.
NW, just an FYI, it really helps to keep things going on one thread. That way people can follow your story and you won't have to do so much back-tracking.
I need to run right now and my only advice is that you BETTER be done snooping! If you want to move forward, you really need to end this practice NOW. It does NOTHING to help ANYBODY, least of all, YOU. Use these 10 days to go cold turkey and 100% focus on YOU! I think you are ready to do that but just follow through on it!
GH
P.S. You can always copy and paste the last post to your other thread.
Thank you Grasshopper... I will do as you suggest and move this back over to my original thread (I was thinking we kept the "topics" seperate -- but I see it makes more sense to keep the history/story all in one place...
But since this thread is started... I just sat down to write a total SCREAM!
WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME?!?!?! I've been crying my eyes out for the last ten minutes at his blithe and blind, totally careless cutting my heart out!
He just called me from the airport to let me know he *misses* me; that he feels really odd and "off" being there without me. Told me about his drive down, where he parked, the sandwich he bought for lunch, (how weird the Chik-Fil-A kiosk is at the international terminal), what the terminal looked like, and so on.
I suppose he thinks it's a positive thing, a kind thing to help me feel better -- for weeks, he's been telling me how sorry he is that I am so sad, and how he is trying to not hurt me -- and then he lies and lies and lies, or flies off to her...
And yes, I suppose that it actually IS a positive thing -- he is missing me; he is aware that he's not got me next to him, as I have always been for nine years... But oh GOD IT HURTS SO BAD!!! He's flying off to his mistress leaving me here alone; and then he' s telling me how much he misses me!
I managed to be light and sweet and teased him a bit; told him I was vaccuuming (another 180!) and he said not to go outside cause the sun is brutal today...
He's gonna call me again when they start boarding the plane... So, I have about an hour to stop crying, to let my voice return to normal so he can't tell... To figure out, yet again, how to keep my composure and be supportive when all I want to do is scream at him to come HOME and quit being such a complete fool!
My thread is under the Infidelity/Adultery section and is called Mea Maxima Culpa -- but I can't get the link to work.
), and I'm joining the new local Y for their water aerobics class. I'm going to clean the heck out of the clutter and mess around the house (he's a clean-freak, I'm not -- that's a 180!). I have appts with two financial planners (divorce specialists) and a lawyer -- he knows about the financial guys -- her does NOT know about the lawyer appt!) I'm contemplating an appt with a local solution-based counselor, once I get some idea of what I WANT to be counseled on! I'm working on my 180 list, and will re-watch Michele's Marriage Breakthrough DVD (any of 'yall don't have it? GET IT!) Finishing DR and will now do the exercises and work outlined therein.
) to be acting sexually with me! Now it seems, as he has sobered up and realizes the lizard won't work out as he wishes, he seems quite happy to be "in love" (obsessed) with her, AND having a sort-of marriage with sort-of sexual relations with me.