Why is it when I can see that my R is starting to move forward and that the d*mn knot in my stomach starts to relax; BAM... my H starts acting like a butthead again?
Why why why!?
I know why... it's because I TALKED about it. (No, not to my H. Remember, I'm 'bugging' him if I want to talk about what's going on in our R.) But because on here I wrote about it and to my friend I verbally expressed the progress and positiveness that was taking place!
ARhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... what was I thinking?!!
Why is life so frigging hard? Life is too effing short for this!
BTDT - the very day after I wrote a postive post my H and I had a long, unhappy discussion and the very thing I thought of as positive was turned into a negative. Why? Because, as always, he has his perspective and opinions and I have mine.
Well two weekends ago we went of a mini-vacation together; had a great time and I wasn't just reading between the lines. He SAID he had a great time. He was very affectionate and that attitude even carried over after we got home.
At the beginning of this week I went through a 'doubt/jealous' dip. (Couple of weeks back H revealed to me that earlier in year; when he was moving in/moving out 3X; he had been 'talking/communicating' with a OW that I had no idea about. I knew about another OW that had been calling him; but this OW was a whole new one!) So he tells me about her; a few details; says he stopped talking to her in January (when she expressed more interest in him than wanting to be 'friends') BUT he won't tell me her name! Which makes me think that I know her. (H said she was M to a co-worker & she worked at HQ but doesn't anymore)
Apparently, this has really bothered me as I'm even having bad dreams about who it could be!
Though I fight it, I know that the fact that he won't tell me her name has me flopping around in a puddle of suspicion and jealousy.
But then I tell myself that 'hey... he didn't have to tell me at all; I would have never known' and 'hey, idiot, if he were STILL communicating with her, he wouldn't have told you in the first place!"
So I had a couple of days where I'd see him talking to some woman at the gym or he'd get a call and I was 'who was that?' H's standard answer, 'don't know her name." (not on the calls, just at the gym) Finally I told him (mistake I'm sure) "Sorry, I just get jealous." and he says 'you should be jealous; women love me. Boosts my ego.' What an ASS! Me and him!
And since he said that; I shut up about it. But the last two days he's gone into his 'aloof' mode. Been making snide little picky comments etc. A part of me wants to demand "WTF does THAT mean?"
Except I've gotten a handle on myself again. He was delayed at work last night and when he got home I was all smiles and 'how did the thing go?' And any little digging comments went whishing over my blonde little head!
I just get soooo tired of this dance. Waltzing around and around to some crappy music...
Think I'm doing any good here? Backing off is the right thing to do I hope?
I'm curious though; do you think I should demand that he tell me who this OW was?
GUB 28 years of M and he thinks he can act with the maturity of a teenager? That situation is unbelievable on so many levels. Of course you are jealous! Your H is disrespecting you and pushing the boundaries of fidelity to point of a grey area.
The first question is, why did he even tell you? Well, he told you the answer point blank. Just as the attention from OW boosts his ego, your jealously does too. In short, he is being a pompous inconsiderate a$$ that gets a kick out of upsetting his W. GUB, you need to take away this power from him.
My suggestion would be to put him in a very formal setting where he knows the discussion topic is serious. If you are seeing a MC, that would be the perfect place. Then, tell him that his recent admissions have led you to the conclusion that his behavior needs to change. If he wants to stay in a M with you, then he needs to start shutting down advances from OW immediately. If it even gets to the point where they are expressing advanced desire, then he blew it by letting it go too far. Playing naïve isn’t going to fly.
From there, I suggest you clearly state that if future situations come up where he shuts down OW like a respectable M man should, then he is NOT to tell you about it. If nothing happened, it really serves no purpose other than to upset you. Though, if he chooses to tell you about advances from OW going forward, you will assume that he blew it and therefore you will hold him directly responsible.
do you think I should demand that he tell me who this OW was? I think you can probably guess that I am going to say absolutely not! Don’t participate in conversations about OW at all. As long as he is M to you, then need to assume that he chooses you over all others. Thus, there is nothing to talk about.
GUB, I am sorry that your H is going through a late MLC here and needing OW to boost his sagging ego back up. Though, just remember that he has no right to make you suffer by the hand of his immaturity. Stand up for yourself, stay confident, smile, and try to keep a positive outlook.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
OMG - your H is a child! What is he thinking? Has it always been this way or is this a true ML thing? I mean WTF? Don't be a doormat. Tell him that contact with OW must stop, he must begin accounting for his whereabouts, he must begin to see a MC if you aren't already. He must take responsibility for either staying in the M or going not in between.
You are worth more than this kind of shabby treatment.
Quote: In short, he is being a pompous inconsiderate a$$ that gets a kick out of upsetting his W. GUB, you need to take away this power from him.
I think he is too! It's odd too; that once he gets me upset and obsessing he turns into an even bigger jerk... I'm doing my best to take that power away from him. I backslid for a couple of days but believe me I'm not going to bring up OW... any of them... ever again. And if he does I'm going to tell him that I DO NOT want to hear about her/them. I have confronted him before and flat out told H that if 'they/she' is what he wants to go but I was not going to be dangled on the proverbial 'string' while he made up his mind... and actually; after that conversation is when things started getting better between us.
Quote: tell him that his recent admissions have led you to the conclusion that his behavior needs to change. If he wants to stay in a M with you, then he needs to start shutting down advances from OW immediately. If it even gets to the point where they are expressing advanced desire, then he blew it by letting it go too far. Playing naïve isn’t going to fly. I used to really think he was naive about when other women were coming on to him; now I think he's been yanking my chain all these years! I suggest you clearly state that if future situations come up where he shuts down OW like a respectable M man should, then he is NOT to tell you about it. If nothing happened, it really serves no purpose other than to upset you. Though, if he chooses to tell you about advances from OW going forward, you will assume that he blew it and therefore you will hold him directly responsible.
Looks like it's time for another talk. Your suggestions sound like an excellent idea! (And they're from a man's POV!) Very matter-of-fact!
I do take comfort that he IS with me; and that he is chosing me and not 'them'. And I do know that he is playing games; thinks he's keeping me on my toes (so to speak). I really like your advice to not discuss the OW at all. I did feel like this was the right way to go but it's good to have positive reinforcement of one's own thoughts.
Still smiling and positive! (I've always been a creative introvert, so I'm still working on the standing up for myself thing!)
Thanks again... gonna have that talk this weekend... I'll let you know what happens...
And no... it has not always been this way (far from it actually)... it really is a MLC thing. My H is a type A personality; very outgoing; the life of the party and everyone loves him! If you met him you would NEVER guess that he has insecurites! He works out CONSTANTLY and is in great shape; but thinks he's fat... he's awesome at his job but obsesses when he doesn't get the 'atta boys'... now MLC hit him (he claims mine caused his) and he is suddenly loving the attention from all these 'badge bunnies'. (And that is exactly what they are.)He has gotten the attention his whole career only before; he used to let them know 'not interested' right away.
But believe me I'm trying to do everything possible to NOT be a doormat.
I know that my H thinks that he can get away with treating me like this because of the ML melt-down I went through a year and a half ago. And I used to put up with however he wanted to treat me 9 months ago after I 'snapped out of it'(major guilt on my part). I decided enough was enough around February and I've begun taking my self-esteem back and setting bounderies.
I have noticed that our 'talks' are getting further apart. Use to take place every couple of weeks (those were closer to melt-downs; lots of accusing and yelling) now it's every couple of months before one is required (and these are really talks). Seems like its time for another one.
I don't know what to do about MC at this point. We were going to a MC. We both thought it was going well. That was until he heard things he didn't want to hear. As in how his being wrapped up in work; complaining all the time and pressuring me about our adult kids that had moved back in pushed me into my shutdown/MLC and why I turned to the internet for escape. After that session he decided he didn't want to go back anymore. I'm hoping that I can get him to go again but I don't think it's going to happen for a while.
As far as accountablity; he is for the most part. He usually calls me; tells me what he's doing. The only thing my H's job is not a desk job. He has the ultimate in latitude and could be anywhere at anytime. There is no way I would know! So it's either trust (until proven otherwise) or go crazy... I think I'll go with the trust right now.
Like I said... I'm going to have to talk to him this weekend. He already knows I'm not going to put up with being treated like crap anymore...
I think he is too! It's odd too; that once he gets me upset and obsessing he turns into an even bigger jerk... I'm doing my best to take that power away from him. I backslid for a couple of days but believe me I'm not going to bring up OW... any of them... ever again. And if he does I'm going to tell him that I DO NOT want to hear about her/them.
