Mea Maxima culpa!

[Neos_wife]

Oh doggone! I've been lurking for a week+ and devouring Michele's books and all-y'alls astonishing and oh-so-welcome advice and discussion! Yesterday, I managed to make the whole day being "light and breezy" but then this morning, as I sat down at my computer (across the room from his) with my coffee, he started out saying that "he doesn't yet know where he will be staying next week" -- and I just LOST IT!!

He flies Monday to England, to "commence" his PA with the OW (the EA started -- in front of me -- this past January, and the first physical meeting was in February when he and I flew her here to a week to meet and get to know each other better.. (She was originally MY email friend / counselee. We were advising her on getting free of an unacceptable boyfriend...)

In Feb. , he intended still, (he said, and I mostly believe him) , to work with her to find a suitable mate for her, despite having already professed his love for her multiple times (in email messages to her, copy to me, and in our multiple three-way phone conversations) But, in person, she turned out to be "WAY more wonderful than he could ever have imagined," and he has thrown himself head-long, completely, and, he swore, permanently, in love with her -- his "future wife" as he calls her.

(Although, he ALSO has come to realize, in the month+ since she went home, that it will NOT work "permanently" with her. She has many of the same "flaws" I have that ended his love for me (yes, I've had the ILYNILWY speech, a couple times...) and he acknowledges that it will NOT work out -- but he HAS to have her...

So, anyway... he said this a.m. that he does not know where he will be staying and yet I KNOW already that he is staying with her in her place! I am trying to learn from Michele and y'all to keep my mouth shut and stop fretting and worrying (and yes, snooping!) -- but I already knew this was a bold-faced lie (and, of course, he had sworn a solemn oath to me that he'd tell me the truth... {eye roll}) So I ended up blowing all my success of the day before, and cried and harangued him (again) about being a liar... Funny thing, he's very disturbed by being called a liar, and yet he's lying to me day in and day out... And yes, I know I need to quit trying to appeal to the alien to become truthful like my husband was when HE was here! {sob}

Yes, he's deep deep deep in MLC -- he's 56, I'm 50; we've been married 8 years, together 9. I absolutely and freely stipulate that I was MORE than half of what damaged our relationship. (My weight, which I had committed to ameliorating before we married, and my aggressive and sometimes masculine-seeming way if interacting with him... It's much deeper than that, and I'm not being self-deprecating when I admit to being more than half the problem -- HE met all his commitments to me, was a wonderful husband -- albeit he kept from me his growing disaffection and unhappiness until he dropped the bomb!

I have SUCH an amazing blessing, in that we will be living together for the next two years, SHE is outside the country and has no money to fly here -- and HE has no way to give her money to fly here except with my knowledge -- he and I are trying to increase "our" income (I'm a kept wife and must re-create my career, if I can, before we divorce in two years) to allow him to set me up successfully on my own when he divorces me and still have enough money to marry OW -- except he already KNOWS it won't work with her (so he says, and yet he also believes it will. Can anyone say MLC?!)

I'm lucky (this far; I pray the alien doesn't make him forget...) that he is absolutely committed to not cutting me off without making sure I can get by... We have not yet negotiated anything seriously (except the two years); but he knows I'm reading pretty much every book written on divorce, and was preparing madly (and he feels too soon) for my future alone... (I have appts with two financial planners and a lawyer next week while he's gone. He knows about the financial planners.)

But, since I've found DB and DR (I also have another book of Michele's) I am mostly committed to trying to save this marriage... I had told him all along, when he was swearing he would not betray me with her -- and SHE was swearing she would never ever betray me -- that I want to be ten years hence looking BACK on this as "that rough patch that strengthened our marriage"! (He is willing to ... that is... he SAYS he is not averse to that -- that I must "seduce" him back , away from her -- which at my present weight and emotional state I can't yet. (He says I 'feel' to him like an aunt... not womanly but matronly; quite unattractive!) But as she becomes less and less "right" (or rather, as it becomes clearer and clearer that as wonderful as she appears, and as completely obsessed as he is (and he even admits it's an obsession!) it becomes clearer that it will not last with her either), and as he and I are more able to talk and interact gently and openly with each other... I 'm hoping he is seeing that I'm not the devil he has felt recently.

However... I'm struggling a LOT with holding my tongue... I've been snooping from the beginning (well I didn' t much HAVE to snoop early on -- he and she were falling in love and cooing to each other in front of me!) But because she was getting paranoid and jealous (and I understand because, of course, so am I!) and he and she are getting more and more involved, they have entered --as HE puts it -- the secretive part of the affair...

Anyway... I am trying to DB, to stay upbeat and friendly, and keep my pain from him... I just was SO ambushed this morning (lack of sleep is making me testy too...) and am feeling really stressed...I wanted these last few days before he permanently changes his and my relationship, to be unemotional and friendly, and yet I just keep imagining him arriving there, and finally "belonging" to her as he wishes... That's a REAL heart-breaker for me! (Yeah, I know, for most everyone here!!)

I guess I'm mostly just pouring out my bleeding heart: I'm filled with such joy and hope when I read here, and then also with such despair and pain when I look at how far I have to go... I have made clear, and he understands completely and agrees, that OF COURSE I'm not emotionally stable yet -- this has only just happened. I did NOT know that for the last several years he was holding on by his fingernails... He saw no escape but suicide, and was gearing up to it (he's often been suicidal in his life... it's a fundamental part of his personality that I have always known about). He was gearing up with his previous wife when I "became his reason for living." (As, he says, "OW is now.") He even recognizes that it's a false hope that she will save him any better that I did -- and indeed, since he now knows I didn't, it won't even last as long with her as it did with me.

Anyway... I'm trying to figure out how I will feel when he comes back... And maybe I can't figure it out from before it happens...

What I read of the insanity of MLC gives me SUCH hope, because he's a classic case! And maybe I can figure out how to DB and 180 and so on so I DON'T end up snarling and crying and arguing with him... I KNOW I can't talk him out of MLC! I KNOW I can't call back my beloved, trusted, husband when the alien is in control (what a USEFUL metaphor!!) But I also don' t know how to get through this next ten days when he's off with her!

I'm joining the new YMCA that just opened near the house; I'll be keeping his business running while he's gone; as I said, seeing the planners, and the lawyer; -- and I've got the counselor (solution-focused, even!) to call for an appt next week too...

I will be seeing friends on Tuesday, reading books and this amazing forum; continuing to gather the financial info I'll need to prepare for an eventual/possible divorce; doing the exercises in DR (I'm up to Step 7 reading the whole book, then will go back and do the exercises completely.); and just trying to make it through! I have to work up a list of 180s -- I can't quit doing the dishes -- cause he has always done \them (yes, I HAVE started doing them nearly all the time -- sometimes he beats me to them). I am not comfortable stopping cooking, because he takes such good care of me -- even as he's planning this affair, he's taking really good care of me. (And then there's the plotting with her on the phone to make me think they've broken up (did I mention I've been snooping?) That plotting was in early April, he SAYS he forgot it was even discussed, was just going along with her cause she tends a bit toward hysteria and irrationality. He SAYS he intended and has participated in no plot -- except every single thing he discussed with her has come to pass... Am I paranoid, or is he lying... (Bets either way anyone?!)

How do I keep my pain and fear and desperation under control? HOW do I make it through ten days with him off with her? ( I guess, just as I have bent and accommodated every other thing that's happened in the last several months... I've gone from swearing that I would never accept a cheating husband, to working diligently to keep just such a man... Amazing how flexible we can become when we really want to!

Sadly, confusedly, doggedly,
Neo's Wife

[grasshopper]

Sorry to see you here but it sounds like you're on the right track. I don't have time to properly reply to that post but there ARE a few people here who have recently gone through what you are about to and maybe they will offer you their perspectives.

GH

[Neos_wife]

Thanks so much Grasshopper -- I've really enjoyed and learned from your responses all over the forum. You're wise and kind!


I'm struggling a lot today with NOT snarling at him... He leaves in three days... I'm SO hurt and angry... I'm envisioning (okay, rehearsing!) phone calls to her place about work (because I'll be handling the business by myself and there is a LOT I cannot do by myself...) and how I HAVE to keep myself from snarling at her if she tries to pretend he's not living there and so on. I guess that's borrowing trouble and I should quit, but it's that or cry...

And because I don't know if he's lying or telling me the truth about ANYthing, I don't know if I should trust his kindnesses to me, or not... Sometimes he REALLY seems to remember how good we are together, and then other times all he can see is her!

Oh well , all I can do is all I can do... I'll keep reading here (I've been watching Michele's Marriage Breakthrough seminar in the workshop -- and he's been listening to it too.... He asked me a question (which I can't quite remember at the moment: I told him I'd have to think about it) about how I view him, in relation to something Michele said, so I know he's paying some attention. YAY!

[PositivelyListening]

Hi NW,

Welcome and sorry to hear what you are going through. I am not sure if my thread will help you, but I do have an H in some permutation of MLC although he is still relatively well behaved IMHO (you learn how to be grateful for what is still sane and good!) My H is also having a long distance A and the first trip he took to visit the OW after I knew abou the A was excruciating for me, but I made it. I hope and pray my H never feels like he needs to go again, but if he does, I will not be able to stop him. It's just not something I have any control over. For my H to come back to our M or to me, it will have to be his choice.

To answer your question:

How do I keep my pain and fear and desperation under control? HOW do I make it through ten days with him off with her? ( I guess, just as I have bent and accommodated every other thing that's happened in the last several months... I've gone from swearing that I would never accept a cheating husband, to working diligently to keep just such a man... Amazing how flexible we can become when we really want to!

all I can say is it is one day at a time. The anticipation for me was much worse than when my H was actually there. I didn't think about it once he was gone, I would have just been torturing myself, and why would I want to do that? I went back to church, planted a garden, took beach walks every day, made plans with friends almost every night. I made it. And, today is a good day. I recommend that you read and work the Divorce Remedy book, and particularly work on yourself.

Hang in there, and keep posting to these boards for support. It has been busy lately though. So remember to post to others too, and create relationships, and also to ask for people to look in on you if you have an urgent situation. Link your thread in your signature line so people can find you. Good luck and hang in there.

[Neos_wife]

Oh thanks so much Positively! I have STUDIED your threads -- thinking how similar our situations feel, and how well you're handling it, and I'm trying to emulate your attitudes...

Things are -- just like always -- rollercoastering! I'm terrified that he actually meant what he now SAYS was just a random thought a few days ago of wishing to end his pain: that "he" has enough money to just split and 'live out' a year or two and just forget the business, the house, life, (by implication, ME and my future!) and so on... Just spend his last days free -- he said, when I tried to revisit his comment that he was NOT thinking of spending those last days with OW/her ({eye roll} and I'm supposed to BELIEVE that!?!); just thinking of being free of responsiblities and burdens. So I'm just sweating that -- we're some $40k in debt NOT counting the mortgage; and we have nearly $40k in liquid form -- except half of THAT is credit card cash advance socked away in the money market ( borrowing at 0% or 2.9% and earning 4%... He's always been a very careful and provident money manager -- but then, he was NOT insane before!!)

He says he could NOT enjoy himself for that "final" vacation knowing his death (by suicide) was coming up. I WISH I believed him, but I only sometimes do... I had asked him, since he's planning on divorcing me, if he would put half of the money market fund into MY money market account (I even offered to sign a legal contract that I would not touch that money) -- he absolutely blew a gasket, screaming at me, and saying he did NOT trust me, and "since" he wasn't planning on bolting, he would need control of the money to prepare for our differing futures, and if he DID intend to bolt, (but he swore again he wasn't) then he would want control of all the money. (The problem is -- the lies fall from his lips now like bats escaping from a cave -- he just opens his mouth and they fly out by the hundreds! (Okay, an exaggeration -- but for a man I THOUGHT was generally honest it's been a painful and scary change!)


I have no access to that money to try to protect myself (I've been thinking whether or not I could get computer acess through his computer and have them transfer half the funds to my account while he's gone; but a) the money market fund doesn' t seem to HAVE online access, and b) it would surely destroy ANY chance of a future reconciliation... (I have access to his credit card accounts online because he has always been open with me about our finances... I can log in and see, but they're all "owed" money; not socked-away money...)

So, I'm stressing about him flying off to the OW, and the possiblity of his MLC insanity leading him to bolt... Thankfully, he IS being very kind to me, still (if only I could BELIEVE his words!).

Since I asked, he has said a couple of times that he WILL be "coming home to me" on 31 May. His explanation made sense -- but then there are those lying bats! That he WANTS a future with OW -- and that requires that he be provident with "our" money. But he ALSO says that he's pretty sure it cannot work out with her; she has some personality traits and modes of operating with him that are worse even that *I* was in the beginning...

He did say yesterday it's like being a junkie, and he sees that in himself... He is ADDICTED to her, and he MUST have her; that even knowing it won't work-- he will do anything, damage anything (that's what scares me -- cause *I* am 'the thing" in the way!), to have her.

But sometimes, I AM able to reach a sentient, sane man in him; (or he could be lying his tail off to me and I'm falling for it -- even HE acknowledges it's not surprising I'm paranoid!) and he CAN see that this a mistake, a thing that is NOT going to work long-term for him. I THINK (or I am wholly deluded) that he is beginning to recognize that he DOES have a refuge in me!

We were talking yesterday,and he was advising me on what-all I need to do to seduce him back. The biggest is lose weight (as I had committed when we married); and I pointed out I could NOT do that instantly -- and I was afraid that before I could show him enough success to give him hope and reason to wait for me, he was likely to have killed himself... "Yes, that's so."

So the other is to moderate my demeanor, my way of interacting with him -- to finish what he admits I have done a good job of doing partway. He suggests. by way of immediate action to show him I've changed, that I only talk with him gently and quietly... (I tend to be a bit loud and pushy...) I discussed this at length with him, and pointed out that I was struggling with how to deal with the problem I see... that since (he has said) he sees me as matronly, as motherly, as "an aunt" {wince} -- mainly due to my size -- that EVERY thing I do he will perceive through that filter... That what he would see in someone else as a wifely, feminine task, he sees in me as aunt-like...

He said the talking to him quitely would counterbalance that, and I argued (quietly <G>) that I needed to show him big change fast, and that I was worried it wouldn't do -- since he DOES see everything I do as auntly -- did I need to stop doing? I offered the example of cooking him breakfast. That's a womanly thing, a wifely thing (he has quite traditional views, as do I) -- execept he sees it as mothering. How am I to cook him breakfast in such a way that he sees me as womanly, not auntly... Do I need to stop cooking him breakfat, as MWD would suggest (do a 180)? And then how to I balance that with the fact that he is still taking such good care of me? (I think, from the look on his face, this was the first time he'd considered that I might STOP doing what he takes so for granted!)

He did say he does not want me to stop cooking him breakfast, and that my being quiet in dealing with him would counterbalance the "hardened" negative impression of me he has. But I think I gave him a lot to think about.

Three hours till he leaves. I'm trying VERY hard to stay loving and supportive and open... Thankfully he regularly admits (which means he recognizes!) that I have been amazing in supporting him, even as it crushes me!

It's hard, but it must be done. I'm switching back and forth between _Divorce Remedy_, _How to Change Your Life, and Everyone in it_, and Michele's Marriage Breakthrough DVD (which he was watching with me!). I will be actually doing the exercises once he's gone (something to keep me from going insane, being here alone!) (Right now we're scrambling to manufacture enough stock so I can ship orders if we get some while he's gone. He was going to call me every day from England -- 2 p.m. "their" {wince} time, and 9 a.m. mine-- but I suggested yesterday that he could also email me, because he can check his email from her computer... That frees him up from having to check in on the business (and by default me...) (I didn't SAY that part...)

I'm off now to cook his "final" breakfast before he does such terrible and painful damage to our relationship... I WISH I had some certainty about how I will feel when he returns... We watched a sweet movie last night (Someone Like You) and I ended up all teary; he loved it . I said it was quite painful for me: I felt that, at the end when Hugh Jackman and Ashley get together "happily ever after," my H was envisioning the happy ending for him and OW; *I* was desperately wishing for and remembering him and ME! (although he teasingly said, he was now in love with Ashley Judd -- he's a man of fickle tastes). He said again, that he is "coming home to me" after this vacation (he's now calling it a vacation... is he lying or what? {sigh})

[grasshopper]

Wow, that's a MONSTER post but I will distill my response down to be a little shorter.
I have a couple main impressions/points.

Yes, stop making him breakfast. Sure he doesn't want you to do that but then again you don't want his thing residing in another woman either. You see how that works? It's NOT about what he wants, it's about what YOU want. I think him percieving you as a "aunt" has a LOT to do with the way you subjugate YOU needs for everyone else's, especially his. I know it seems counterintuative to STOP doing things for him when that is what he values you for but you really do need to scale it back. Aunts, in the way HE means are neither mothers, wives or sisters. They are NOT someone to have sex with because they are simply not sexual (yuck).
For you to ditch this perception, you have to simply stop being his aunt and for that matter, HIS anything else and be YOUR OWN WOMAN, filled with YOUR OWN desires and the will to make them happen.

As for the trip, I think you have a GREAT plan to start the process of growing into being that woman you CAN be. Please, fill your days and nights with good, informational reading and also some FUN! Do that thing that your "aunt" self would NEVER do. Really search your mind and come up with some stuff that you wanted to do way-back-when and just never did. Do it now if you can.

He said again, that he is "coming home to me" after this vacation (he's now calling it a vacation... is he lying or what?

Well, he could be lying, or this could be his vision of the future, who knows. This is why it has to stop being about him and start being about YOU.

I know this is really hard for you. Lastly, please post here often. We will keep you company and try to keep you from going down too many dark paths.

GH

[Neos_wife]

I'm an hour past watching my beloved husband/alien drive off to the airport to fly to England to spend ten days creating (what I believe will be; he says will most likely NOT be) a PA out of the EA he and "the lizard" have been having since January...

This woman was an email friend of mine: he and she fell in love via email (see my thread Mea Maxima Culpa in this area for details) We flew her here to the South in February for a week, during which my H changed from: "I'm working with you, my wife [me] , to help her break her free from her ex-boyfriend, and despite being in love with her, I will assist her finding her own mate/husband. I will NOT betray you!" ({eye roll} well, of course, that would be: any further than he HAS by falling in love with her and telling her so multiple times in front of me...) to "This is my future wife! No other man can ever have her!"

I am still reeling from the "bomb" in Feb ("I'm going to divorce you and marry her" -- thankfully not until 2008 for financial reasons -- so I have time to prepare and/or work to recover this!). and his complete change from an honourable and honest man into a complete liar, a plotter with her against me, and a cheater. I do NOT know who he is or how to evenslightly trust him (and I'm guessing trusting him is NOT the best idea right now! He's also 56, and, by the symptoms, DEEP in MLC!) (Oh, and he admits: he's like a junkie; he is obsessed,and will do whatever it takes to have his "fix." Even knowing it won't work out!)

I have many many email messages from her (and him) (much of our early "discussion" was three way, until they began shutting me out....) and I am SOOO tempted to send her an email -- as he spends the next ten hours getting to her -- NOT in my words, but just hers... Just a gathering of her swearing to me and giving oaths and insisting that she would never ever under any circumstance betray me with him -- that she does NOT date married men; she would NOT hurt me, her friend; and there is nothing in her that would allow her to do this....

(Including the one that REALLY incenses me! Back in the beginning of April, I overheard his side of their phone con (I had been snooping; I'm not yet sure I'm done snooping!) and SHE had suggested and outlined a plot (judging from his answers and discussion) to make me "believe" that they had broken up... This was her and his way/attempt to protect her: She has an international reputation, and I know her real name and connections. I have fantasized fondly of registering the URL "www.myhusbandsmistress" (Can you believe it? No one has registered that yet?!) and splashing her pix and info all over the web! Oh, and her own words from her messages....

And funny thing, my H had spend the last month working to "convince" me of just that... And even continued lying straight faced when I confronted him (I know... not DB; sorry -- I'm SOOO stressed!) about it; he wishes (he says) they had a plot so he wouldn't think things were so "iffy" between them... They plotted (I overheard) that he would be flying over there to "try to convince her" to take him back. Except , he forgot one day to close his email program -- and there it was: he had written her:

"The Plan worked perfectly! She [me] is totally convinced! She is suggesting I fly over there to 'catch you'. How do these dates work for you?"'


And then the lizard has the NERVE to write me *as they are planning this visit* that she has decided to marry the ex-boyfriend. That "ooohhhh being perceived as a homewrecker" is TOO stressful for her! And at the same time, she's asking HIM to explain further how he implemented the Plan, and how I reacted.

Now, every time I wrote her (I have not been in contact with her since April , at H's request and my own determination) she would freak out and accuse or insult or upset my H -- and then *I* had to deal with his moods and his blaming ME! (Even when he agreed completely with me that what I wrote was nice, kind, and even justified; since SHE was having hysterics -- and all that mattered was that he get and keep her -- I was "to blame" -- so I quit writing to her...)

So, I KNOW that writing to her in her own words will create some serious hysterics again. Even when I write vaguely to a list I run (that she is on, and I have not thrown her off, despite GREAT temptation) about the problems I'm having with my M -- she throws a screaming fit at my H -- and then HE gets furious at me! (And yet he won't tell me why, so I'm to blame in his eyes, and he has no desire to help fix it with me. Except I snoop, so I know why.) (And his fury comes after he has tried valiantly to get her to recognize that I have NOT "outed" her in any way-- the list does't even know he HAS a soon-to-be-mistress; just that he is divorcing me. But she's insane about him / me / the relationship... and so I know if I send her her own words -- he will be greeted (on his "vacation" with her) by her paranoia and hysteria... And then maybe there WON'T be the start of a PA... and the damaging of the EA...

The problem I have is I still think I want him back... This mess is so new; he is MLC and completely alien-infested; I still love him despite his lying and cheating and blaming me...

I have said from the beginning that I want, in ten years, for my H and me to be looking back on this as "that rough patch that saved and strengthened our marriage"! (As I discuss in my Mea Maxima Culpa thread -- he has come to realize, in these weeks with only phone and email to her, that it will NOT work long-term with her either... He sees in her all the "warning signs" he did in me, (that he and I would have trouble), only now, he says, he knows to believe them!


Sorry this message isn't entirely coherent.. I'm struggling with my desire to BURN her with her own lies!

Please, some wiser head, help me to see that I am just damaging my own future by trying to call her back to her supposed word...

Neo's Wife

p.s.,
On another note; I AM thinking of these ten days alone (only the third time in NINE YEARS he and I have been separated from each other for more than a few hours...!) as a chance to change myself. I'm going to reaarange furniture (and I DON'T care that he isn't here to approve or disallow it! ), and I'm joining the new local Y for their water aerobics class. I'm going to clean the heck out of the clutter and mess around the house (he's a clean-freak, I'm not -- that's a 180!). I have appts with two financial planners (divorce specialists) and a lawyer -- he knows about the financial guys -- her does NOT know about the lawyer appt!) I'm contemplating an appt with a local solution-based counselor, once I get some idea of what I WANT to be counseled on! I'm working on my 180 list, and will re-watch Michele's Marriage Breakthrough DVD (any of 'yall don't have it? GET IT!) Finishing DR and will now do the exercises and work outlined therein.

I plan to have a (written) plan, and some emotional fortitude, gathered together by the time he comes back (ten days) -- and yet I'm also panicked about HOW I will react to him... HE says we'll go "back to normal" (that is, normal for these past two months with her gone and him lovesick and moody?!) -- that would be fine for him but I don't think I can. And I DID ask him a couple times if he was making sure SHE has been tested for STDs; he got FURIOUS at me for asking, and said he was"taking care of it," (which doesn't mean JACK!) and besides they weren't "likely" to have any sexual contact while he's there.. Except, of course, even when*I* was in the house in Feb they had some sexual contact (albeit he won't tell me how much or what kind...) He assumes (he has even said several times to me -- as if *I* have no say in it!) that he intends that we (he and I) will resume such limited sexual contact as he and I have been having since he has been buoyed by her presence (virtual, not actual, thank goodness!) in his life...

(I hope it's not too graphic for this list to say that: for the first time in nearly 8 years, he is performimg oral sex on me, and letting me do so for him -- after having had no sexual contact of any sort (my weight/appearance being a problem for him) for nearly 8 years. Of course, early on, when he was love-intoxicated beyond rationality, he felt it was "cheating" (on her! ) to be acting sexually with me! Now it seems, as he has sobered up and realizes the lizard won't work out as he wishes, he seems quite happy to be "in love" (obsessed) with her, AND having a sort-of marriage with sort-of sexual relations with me.

I have ten days to figure that part out (maybe THAT'S what I need to discuss witht he SBT therapist!)
{sigh}

[Neos_wife]

I just sat down to write a total SCREAM!

WHY DOES HE DO THIS TO ME?!?!?! I've been crying my eyes out for the last ten minutes at his blithe and blind, totally careless cutting my heart out!

He just called me from the airport to let me know he *misses* me; that he feels really odd and "off" being there without me. Told me about his drive down, where he parked, the sandwich he bought for lunch, (how weird the Chik-Fil-A kiosk is at the international terminal), what the terminal looked like, and so on.

I suppose he thinks it's a positive thing, a kind thing to help me feel better -- for weeks, he's been telling me how sorry he is that I am so sad, and how he is trying to not hurt me -- and then he lies and lies and lies, or flies off to her...

And yes, I suppose that it actually IS a positive thing -- he is missing me; he is aware that he's not got me next to him, as I have always been for nine years... But oh GOD IT HURTS SO BAD!!! He's flying off to his mistress leaving me here alone; and then he' s telling me how much he misses me!

I managed to be light and sweet and teased him a bit; told him I was vaccuuming (another 180!) and he said not to go outside cause the sun is brutal today...

He's gonna call me again when they start boarding the plane... So, I have about an hour to stop crying, to let my voice return to normal so he can't tell... To figure out, yet again, how to keep my composure and be supportive when all I want to do is scream at him to come HOME and quit being such a complete fool!

[Neos_wife]

Per Grasshopper's suggestion, I've moved them over from another thread I started, which I will abandon and refer back over here...

Grasshopper very kindly answered me (there) with this:

I need to run right now and my only advice is that you BETTER be done snooping! If you want to move forward, you really need to end this practice NOW. It does NOTHING to help ANYBODY, least of all, YOU. Use these 10 days to go cold turkey and 100% focus on YOU! I think you are ready to do that but just follow through on it!
GH

[Neos_wife]

Oh -- that's a REALLY hard one! Right now I am SO filled with mistrust and fear. I've been a kept wife for the past nine years (at his request): having sold my house, closed my business and moved across the country to be with him. I have trusted him completely for all this time; he has kept me informed in passing about our finances (and I supported everything he had done -- even putting us $40,000 in the hole a few years ago to keep his (sole) employee on at the company for as long as he possibly could (the economic downturn REALLY smashed the company badly)..

(The employee had worked with H and my H's father (who invented the device we build) for the past twenty years. He was like a brother to my H.. (My husband still occasionally cries a bit when he is reminded of having to let him go...) We're still paying off that $40K! )

When H lost his mind (or, as he says, when "the lizard" called him BACK to his senses, and thus he wants to divorce me) , I began scrambling to educate myself on how our finances stand). Thankfully, he's entirely open about them. Except he is in total control -- and that includes the several credit cards in *my* name he has filled up with low-interest cash advances. He feels, and I agree, that if the companies are willing to 'lend' us credit card money at 0%, we'd be crazy NOT to use that! So we roll over the debt to each new 0% card as we pay the balances down.

But then I (snooped and) found the message he wrote HER saying he'd start sending her $500 a month support -- because she's broke (living off the kindness of friends, apparently) and apparently also has no interest in getting any clients (she's a licensed professional); and that just drove me crazy! We are trying to pay down this huge indebtedness AND save up for me to move on with -- and then he wants to send HER money! So far, as near as I can tell, he hasn't sent her any support money -- just her plane ticket ($800) to come her for a month in May -- which she then ended up cancelling; so that money is down the rabbit hole (nonrefundable) How did I discover all this? Partly (a lot) by "snooping" in the personal and professional bank records (and he has always made me free to look at our finances; he prints the monthly account tracking for me too); and by reading the business balance sheets and accounts payable (and I AM, on paper at least, the legal ,official, and state-recognized treasurer of the company) I am learning what's where... And partly by snooping on (his side of) their phone calls... I have NOT been recording his side for quite a while (not since he caught me!). Hence I have his words about plotting to conivnce me they had broken up ON TAPE!!

The state I live in does consider "fault" in assigning alimony and dividing property. IF he loses his mind (further) -- or she prevails on him in her plotting to damage me and get rid of me whether or not he can sent me off healthy -- I have evidence I can use in a court to try to protect myself. Am I paranoid? How can I NOT be!? I heard them plotting against me. (However, he says he was just playing along with her -- which I do give some credence to, as he has done that with me to;o and he has to regualrly play along with her until she recovers from her various hysterics and he can try to talk sense to her again -- which I have also heard him do!). He says he doesn't remember the "plotting" at all, which I do NOT believe - since he triumphantly wrote her that "The Plan [against me] worked perfectly!"

He is (I am thankful) firmly committed to making sure I get a financially sound "send off." He says to me -- and to her -- that he "has never and will never leave an ex-wife bleeding in the middle of the road." He 'sent off' his previous ex very very well (still paying her $1,600 a month, till she dies) -- but he does not have the resources to do so for me, and thus we agreed on the two years before he divorces me, trying to gain enough income (and me to re-establish my career; I'm 50.) to be able to protect me AND marry the lizard. (The lizard, of course, is agitating for him to dump me now regardless -- which I am very relieved to say he will not ... well, {wince} that's what he says -- to me -- so far...)



If I had not snooped, I would think the truth really WAS that she was going to marry her ex-boyfriend, and my H ("deeply depressed and desperate") really WAS going to England to try to win her back -- instead of KNOWING it was a plot from start to finish -- that he INTENDED to mislead me into thinking she was leaving him, and he "had" to try to win her back, and so get MY support for HIS damaging me/us by spending several thousand dollars on his "trip to win her back."

How do I STOP snooping -- knowing that he's lying and cheating?

Neo's Wife