I'v been lurking on these boards for a few months now, in hopes that what I read will help me in any way. Somethings have. But I have a hard time turning to people for help. I'm the one people always turn to. I guess I'll just start at the beginning.
H40 M39 D15 S10 D7 Married 17yrs Together 20
It all started around 8yrs ago. My H had an EA with an OW for work. That lasted for about 6 months and then he ended it. I had suspected the whole time but he denied it just like they all do. I got conformation about the EA one year after it ended. Found love letters from her that he had keeped in a desk drawer in the garage. Long story short went through counseling, got our marriage back on track, and things started looking good for us. Than our sex life started to decline and keep going down hill from there. For a long time I have just put up with sex maybe once a month if I was lucky. I did put on a few pounds when I was working out of the house, but now that I'm a stay at home mom, I have lost 50lbs. Looking pretty good to other guy's, just not my H. I'm only 5' and 110lbs. Told all the time from people they think I'm in my early 30's and for them to find out I'm 39 floors them. I have told my H over and over that I need him to be passionate, caring, ML to me and everything that goes in a marriage. This all came to yet another big blowup last night with another night of no touching, no kissing, nothing. I repeated again how I am dying inside and I afraid of what might happen next. I know I will never step out on my marriage because I know far to well what it can do to person. It destroy's you. You will never be the same person again. When I do talk to my H about our sexless marriage he gets quite doesn't know what to say. I told him last night don't talk to me ML to me. And he said that he has to be the one who initiates. I was beginning to see that this was happening because when ever I did try to be intamite with him he would just roll over in bed and go to sleep.
I'm so at a loss as what to do. All my crying, talking, sleeping on the couch, nothing seems to help. I just want my H back the one who used to want me at the drop of a hat. Never shy as to what he wanted, need and desired from me. Thanks for listening to me. There is so much more that I would love to say, but like I said I'm not the kind of person to reach for help, everyone comes to me for help. Now it's my turn. P.S. I haven't told my 2 best friends about my problems becuase they have currently stopped talking to me because they both are having PA's and they know how much I do not approve.
You know you've come to the right place...and you aren't alone so I'm going to delve right in...since you've finally asked for help
You said this (I have told my H over and over that I need him to be passionate, caring, ML to me and everything that goes in a marriage.)....do you, reading this now....see how vague it is? What does passion, caring, "and everything that goes in a marriage" mean to you? It's waaaaaaaaaay too vague to try to communicate to him what you want.
It leaves far too much room for misinterpretation which only leads to more frustration for you both as well. You say your H gets quiet, my H would do that too....or I'd get one word answers. Leads me to think he's ashamed about something....are you SURE he's no longer involved with someone else? I hate to say that, just making sure. He had an EA once....so you need to make absolutely sure that something like that isn't going on again.
I get from your post that he used to have a healthy SD in your opinion, that he used to express himself in a way that you liked...but now he doesn't. Is there possibly anything going on at work that could be affecting him? Any health issues?
There is so much more that I would love to say, but like I said I'm not the kind of person to reach for help, everyone comes to me for help. Now it's my turn. This group likes questions and details, so fire away.
P.S. I haven't told my 2 best friends about my problems because they have currently stopped talking to me because they both are having PA's and they know how much I do not approve.
No disapprovals from most of the folks here. Feel free to completely open up.
I am the higher drive man in SSM so my opinions as clouded by what I want to happen in my R.
The one thing I will say is start doing things that you like to do that do not include your H.
LonleyInBed You are definitely not alone at all. To further reinforce what GEL was saying, you can’t tell your H what you want him to make you “feel”. You can only tell him very specific things that you want him to do. If you are trying to get through to him, my advice would be to keep your requests specific, relatively simple, direct, and limited to actions that cannot be misinterpreted.
Based on what you said in your post, it sounds like you have made all the right first steps by going to MC and by working on being your “best self”. Thus, when you say that he used to be willing at the drop of a hat, but now he barely wants intimacy once a month, that sounds very wrong to me too. Something has definitely changed. Now, the challenge is in figuring out what the trigger was, A, heath issue, emotional issue, etc. Any ideas?
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
Thanks for replying GEL. I have told him what I mean. At the time of our talking he fully gets it. Through our counsling we have learned to talk and answer. i.e. repeat what the other person is telling us. Make sure that we are on the same page sort of thing. But lately going quite has been his new thing. Not wanting to discuss it. I sure that there is no one else. I have asked and snooped. I know they say not to but I do.Said he would never do that again. Can't bare to see the pain I went thourgh. And can not understand why he let it happen. He doesn't seem to have the time on his hands to do so. His job keeps him pretty busy. He rarely has time to spent on the computer because the kids are always on it. He goes nowhere and in his spare time spends it on his car. I have tryed to get him to spend time with me instead, take a walk, sit, talk,or go out some where together. But he always manages to make sure none of that happens. He's to tired. But yet he can spend all his time under his car. I have asked him if anything is going on at work that may have him stressed and he says no. As for health issues, he did go to the Dr. to have a complete health exam, only because I made him. Thought maybe his testosterone was off and he came back with a clean bill of health. I don't know maybe it's just me, the kids, always seems to be something worng. I'm the one that takes care of everyone and everything in this house hold. Not one person has to lift a finger. My fault I choose to be the "Stay At Home Mom". Don't get me wrong I love my job. My kids mean the world to me. I'm able to stay home only because we have received a large inheritance from his father after his passing. My H asked me if I wanted to quit work or continue working. I choose to give it a try and this is just where I need to be. Teenagers are hard to raise. I love my H and would do anything for him. I look forward to his coming home. Even when I know little will be said. "How was your day" thats about it.
Brian and OG thanks for your response. As I read Brian's response I was wondering if maybe he might be feeling hurt or guilty about having the EA. I will say, I have asked him in the past what was it about her that made him attacted to her. Maybe there is somthing he would want me to do or change. He says no. He loves me and wants me the way I am. I know this is crazy thinking but an EA can really destroy you in how you see yourself. I try not to bring up the EA in our discussions but it has happened. I have been direct, to the point. Told him what I want. I am not shy in this department, never have been. Sometime I think my directness embarrasses him. I don't know why he used to be the same way. I mean I have been with this man for 20 yrs. ML to him on our first date. Something I have never told anyone by the way. Waited 3 yrs to get married to make sure we had our careers first.
We where at the gas sation the other day and my H went in to pay and when he came out I was talking to some guy. He didn't see my H was with me and started talking to me about gas prices and I mentioned my H and he said, "O I was going to ask you for your phone number. Nice talking to you." My H came out and asked what he had said and I told him. all he said ways "good for you." What was that? I asked him what he meant and he said nothing. No jealously. Later I talked to him about and he said he's used to men looking. He's lucky to have me.
He gives me mixed signals too. If he happens to be off during the week, which is great, he will chase me around the house (kids are in school) but will have no desire to ML. Say's lets wait until tonight. But night comes and nothing happens. I just don't get it. Well to much rambling going on.
RE lonelyinbed If he happens to be off during the week, which is great, he will chase me around the house (kids are in school) but will have no desire to ML. Say's lets wait until tonight. But night comes and nothing happens. I just don't get it.
In my experiences this has happened to me. It was from eating too much for the evening meal, I started to think about doing the income taxes. I heard something bad about my line of work on the news. Only lasted for a few hours or days, then I was back to horn dog.
So, what is on your H's mind at night. The next time this happens, ask him what he was thinking the next morning after he says Say's lets wait until tonight.
NO buts or suggestions or we "could have's" if you want the truth.
We can give you suggestions but the answers are at home where you live. The answers are under many layers. Imagine you are peeling an onion that has many damages layers till you get to what is good.
Lonelyinbed If you don’t mind, I would love some details on how your H behaves today to kind of try and identify where he is coming from. How attractive would you say your H is? Also, has he aged well or have his physical strengths started to decline? Has he gained weight, lost hair, or anything else that might cause body issues? You said that he works on his car all the time. Is he a classic car kind of guy, a speed freak, or does he just do general maintenance on the family truckster? How do you feel about his auto enthusiasm? Is your H aggressive in other parts of his life or is he more passive? When he sees you naked without expecting to, does he look away or pay attention? If you look at him and smile, does he smile too? When we the last time that you went to dinner with just him? How did it go? When was the last time that you sat down with him and talked about his interests and his individual life?
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
1st off....it's not bad to snoop if you feel something is wrong or off kilter in your R. You will find that on many infidelity support BB's (and my MC told me this same thing) that if your instincts or gut tell you something is up....do what you have to in order to find out what's really going on. Otherwise you are only fooling yourself.
Please don't think I'm saying your H is fooling around elsewhere, he may not be at all....BUT MANY people have affairs that start at the office and grow at the office. MANY people have affairs that don't appear to have the time to fit something like that into their schedules too....you'd be simply amazed.
I'm optimistic for you though that this isn't the case with you. Ok...you are going to have to open up to us much more about the R between you and your H. What's going on in your lives? Could he be experiencing some type of depression? Are there money/family issues that could be weighing on him?
Do not hesitate to write a novellette on here....the more detail we have, the more we can help you out. Please don't make us fish for answers....volunteer anything and everything, you are safe here....you are annonymous to all of us.
I notice that you said your H fully "gets it" when you two are talking, my guess is....he really doesn't but he doesn't want to tell you that (he'd be not good enough again.) Repeating what the other person is telling you, is nothing but parroting. My H has done the EXACT same thing with me.....and sometimes, I honestly do think he has understood what he/I were saying. However, "IF" your H doesn't feel like he's good enough right now....he's also likely to think "why even start trying, my efforts won't be good enough anyway....I'll only disappoint her.....it's easier to just do nothing, to say nothing."
I used to try to talk about our issues til I was blue in the face...my H would just clam up. Most of the time I felt like he was even ignoring what I said, that was so very painful. I later found out that....he actually thought he was being kinder to me by not saying anything, rather than saying something he knew I wouldn't like to hear. In reality though...what he was doing to me was more painful. I wonder if this is something your H may be doing as well.
You two really need to be headed back to MC lonely.
Oh...and my H went to his Dr. at the beginning of our process too (almost 3 years ago)....I'd have bet his T level would have been off, but it wasn't. I can't tell you how disappointed I was when everything came back normal. I guess I thought that if something came back abnormal...then that was a validation that it wasn't me (although it's not you hon)....and it could be something fairly easily fixed, I thought.
This can get better, but it's going to take a lot of work on your part, and a lot of patience & perseverance.
Brian My H attitude and behavior today was silence. Got home from work around 5pm. (He has an hour drive home form work) I only got him to tell me that his day at work was boring. That was about it. He's really good at giving one the silence treatment. He did this last year when I went and had a tattoo put on my lower back. He couldn't understand why I would want to do this. I explained to him that his was my way of freedom and release from all the pain I had gone through from years past. (The EA he had) The tattoo is of a butterfly. He just couln't understand and I told him I didn't expect him to but I was going to do this for me. He said go ahead and I did. Only to come home to him not speaking to me. Only when needed to and no sex for 6 weeks. This no sex for 6 weeks came straight out of his mouth. You see when he gets mad that is something he knows he can hold from me. This tears me up inside deeply. I'd say my H is attractive, to me he is. I'll tell him he's handsome and he just shrugs his shoulders. He's aging well. Does have a few back problems from past hard labor work, but he seems to do fine. I have asked him if his back is the problem and he has let me know that here are times when it has been a factor. No weight gain, no loss of hair (yet). My H LOVES his car. He has a G35 Infinty. He works on it to make it better, faster, you name it. If he could make it fly he would. My joke to him when he tells me he's going to be working on hs car, I'll say "You mean your going to be making love to your car." No response just a look with the eyebows going up. I will admit I do get jealous over his car. He knows how I feel. Just looks at me like I'm crazy. He's a great father to our kids. Does a good job with my D15. I have a hard time with her, she has a boyfriend and spends why to much time with him. Her grades had slipped and when I try and talk to her, all she hears is balbalbla, from me. But when Daddy tells her that she needs to get her act togther she does. S10 has ADHA and can be a hand full but is a good kid. D7 lover her Daddy, will hang out with him for hours. I'd say my H is passive. He used to be a go getter type of guy but lately, I just don't know. Maybe somewhere along the way he has lost himself and just doesn't know what to do. I know he doesn't do much, just go to work and work on his car. I take care of not just in house and family, but I also do all the yard work too. My friend's H always tell me "Next time you need your lawn mowed call me I'll do it". But of course I don't call. As to when he see's me naked he will give me a smile. But this is only when it is safe, meaning he knows there is no time for us to act on the moment. At night when getting ready for bed he will not pay any attention. avoiding the moment. We do go out but sometimes.It feels like we are strangers. Not much to talk about. I guess I haven't taken the time asked him about his dreams. This I will do tonight. And let you know what happens.
