Here is my sitch. All advice welcome

[Hanging__On]

Well I am not sure where to start. I feel like I need someone to talk to about all the feeling that I am having and this seems like a great place to do it. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and been together for a total of 14. We were high school sweat hearts We have 2 beutiful daughters that are 5 and 2 years old. I am 31 and she is 30.
I found out about 4 months ago that my wife was having an affair. My D-day was on January 14,2006. I told her at the time that I was willing to try and forgive what has happened but I needed her to give me a 100% effort in trying. She told me that she did not know what she wanted and that she was confused. She said she loved me but was not in love with me anymore.

What I forgot to mention was that a year erlier I confronted her with the fact that I suspicioned something was going on with this other man. She assured me at the time that nothing was going and she would not hurt me in that way. I told her that I didn't think I could handle something like that if it was to ever happen.

Now hear we are a year later and I am dealing with this horrific pain that my wife has put me through. She told me that she has been unhappy for a long time and she saw this as chance to get out of the marraige, so she called this guy constantly. She told me that he did not want to be anything more that friends, but she kept after him until he gave into her. It lasted almost a full year according to her.

So for the last month I have been lurking on the DB site and trying to educate myself on what is going on in our marraige. I realize I was not meeting her EN, but at the same time she has not been meeting my EN for several years and I did not go outside the marriage for comfort. Everyone here seems to have been through some kind of conflict in their marraige like I am going through right now. I am hoping to get some insight from the folks that have had to deal with the same kind of issues.

We have been in marraige counseling since Jan.24 and have had several meetings together and one each by ourselves. The MC is currently trying to have us deal with our pain individually and has done nothing for our marraige. My wife has been making small improvements over the last month. She has told me she is sorry for the pain she has caused and that she wants to try and work out our problems, but does not think that we can. So for awhile now we have been just living as room mates with no affection of any sort. This is really begining to wear on me.

So about 4 weeks after d-day I am looking for a stalking hat to go outside and I found a large amount of money that she has been hiding from me. As you probably guessed she pretty much takes care of the bills while I bring home the checks, but in her defence she works three days a week. Anyway, I am wondering why she is hiding money unless she is planning on leaving. She told it was just in case she needed a place to stay if I kicked her out of the house. It may be understandable but from the beginning I told her that if she wanted to leave, I would help her get a place to stay use what money we had. So from my side of things there is no reason for her doing this. I am so frustrated. It is like she is not even the person I have lived with for the last 14 years. She has done things that she promised would never happen. She has always told me how much she loves me. If she loves me so much, how could she be so hurtfull to the one person that lover her more than anything. I feel like I want to much,to quick, but I just can't stand feeling so crummy all the time.

So after all this time of staying in the same house and trying deal with all this stuff, she has decided to move into her fathers rental house. She says there is to much tension between us and thinks we need to seperate. I told her that I thought it was a horrible idea and that it would make things hard to work on. She doesn't care at this point and doesn't feel like she has anything to work on in the marraige. Our life together is unraviling and I am trying to hold it all together.

Should I just let her leave the house and act as if there is nothing wrong with it ? I am trying to get myself back on my feet and GAL, but it is very difficult. I have started reading DR and DB. These books seem to give me hope for awhile and then I get down about the whole situation again.

Thanks for looking at my sitch, any advice would be welcomed.

[deezee]

Do you feel like you've identified your part in the problems, or are you focusing on how wronged you were, and unable to really committ yourself to making things better?

[Hanging__On]

I am definately trying to identify my part. I have accepted the fact that I could have done more but all I can do is work on the future. I need to become a better listener for sure. I should have been more affectionat. The problem now is she doesn't seem to accept the fact that I am trying to become a better husband. Right now she points out every little thing about how bad I was but does not seem to care about her part in the marraige. I am trying to get back in the groove and act as if but this is tough.

[mda1229]

Hanging_on<

sorry you find yourself here, we all hate to see new members, but you have come to a good place.

Should I just let her leave the house and act as if there is nothing wrong with it

Yes, you have to gather as much strength as possible and let her leave, act as if you are fine with. B/C you no what, you can't stop her from leaving: Begging, crying, Whinning will only strengthen her resolve.

I found out about 4 months ago that my wife was having an affair

IS the A still going on? WHen did it end???

OK A couple of things:

1. Have you Read Divorce remedy?? if not get out ASap and ge the books
2. You may want to read about MLC in that forum... I know I thought the same things WHy W is 29, but I can tell you my W I think is a Classic MLC.
3. Give her space, Probably the sigle best thing you can do. If/When she leaves, let her go, give her the time and space she is asking for.
4. Work on yourself.
5. Come hear often and post.


Hang in there

[Hanging__On]

Thanks for the advice MDA. I have already bought the books and I am currently reading it. I have a gut feeling that she is still in contact with the OP. I have no proof. The last know contact was in the middle of Febuary. She says that she wants us to work things out but doesn't think it is possible. I am not sure but it seems to that she is just making excuses for a divorce. The next couple of weeks are going to be tough. She wants to move out but she has to get the other place ready. She seems to be dragging her feet but maybe she is waiting until Memorial weekend. I am taking the girls camping for 5 days. It is a yearly camping trip we take with lots of family and friends. I have invited her to come with us but she says she doensn't know if she is going to go. The worst part of the whole thing is trying to explain, without to much detail, what is going on to our 5 yr. daughter. She does not want mom and dad to live in two different houses.

[RBinBR]

I have a gut feeling that she is still in contact with the OP. I have no proof.

I feel sure that you are right about this. For her to say that she's willing to work on the M -- and then not do it -- it's because she's still talking to the OM.

The worst part of the whole thing is trying to explain, without to much detail, what is going on to our 5 yr. daughter. She does not want mom and dad to live in two different houses.

It's hard, no question. My daughter, who's 4 and a half, was very confused and upset when mommy was gone. It helped her a lot when I simply told her "Mommy doesn't want to live with Daddy anymore." Now she understands what's happening (well most of it anyway, since I don't want her to know about OM) and she seems to be much more comfortable dealing with it.

[lovingme]

Reading your story was alot like reading mine. The best advice I can give is to give her space. My h actually moved out in January so we are different in that aspect. He moved out a week after I found out. Just give her space and time and act as if you are fine with it. It is so hard. Keep posting and reading here it helps tremendously. Work on yourself right now.

[Mamabear]

Hanging on, I am sorry you are here. But...it is a great place to be when faced with the sitch you are in. There are alot of very wise people on these boards that can offer alot of advice and encouragement.

Find grasshoppers thread(s), he is a young man with a young wife and small children too. He is one of the best DB'ers here.

Finish reading DR which I personally think is better than DB. Get a highlighter out and read it again. Understand that you cannot CONTROL your wife - so let her do what she needs to do. DO NOT snoop, everyone here will tell you that it will just kill you and once you find the information you can't do anything about it but stew in your own juices, so don't do it. I know it doesn't seem fair, but you are the one that needs to change, for the better, and work on the relationship even if you don't think she cares or is noticing (she will definitely notice, she just won't say anything about it) Do not have any R talks, she will feel pressured and trapped and want to run faster and farther. Don't believe everything she says and only 1/2 of what she does.

Anyway, just a few pointers. If I or anyone else can think of more we will be back. Hang in there!

[Hanging__On]

Thanks for the encouragment everyone. I am having a tough time righ now. She went and painted at the place she is moving into. Whenever she talks about moving out I just want to pull my hair out. None of this makes any sense to me. I am constantly wanting to talk the situation over with her but I am biting my tonge. I just feel like I am going crazy with how cold she treats me. She acts like there is nothing going on and this is completely normal.

[MonicaP]

Hi Hanging On -
I can sure relate to your sitch and I'm sorry that you're going through it - it's tough. It's been 6 months since H and I separated. We tried MC in the 1st month after he admitted EA (now PA) and we still lived together - then I found his cell phone bill with HER number all over it and I asked him to leave. We stopped MC and I struggled through the holiday season in a fog of depression. Dealing with our S3 was excrutiating for me. His A came as a complete and utter shock - totally "out of character". So now it's been 6 months and I feel stronger and stronger every day (some days more than others). The DR saved my sanity, I read it and re-read it. I started doing a 180 and acting as if. Slowly my H started to become less defensive and accusatory (he didn't have much material to work with). A few months ago I suggested we go back to MC for the sake of "co-parenting" and he agreed. The D word has come up from time to time, mostly out of my frustration and hurt - but so far he seems to always back down from that. And we seem to be getting into more issues related to our R instead of co-parenting. Yet, he continues his A and seems to think - like I do - it will take a miracle for our M to survive. He's 27 (I'm 38) but I think he's in a early MLC. Classic identity crisis. He's so confused and acts like a completely different person. Well, I kept my wedding ring on for almost the full 6 months until I felt ready to GAL. It doesn't mean I'm done, but I've started to value myself more and am learning to not take responsibility for his actions. And, to accept - for today - that this is reality. I take care of my S3 and make sure I don't undermine his R w/ H. The amount of patience this requires is staggering, but somehow it comes. Keep Hanging In!