Trudging Onward

[karen1]

Gel,

Just saying hi! You give me hope. The madonna/whore thing is pretty big in my R too (I think) and it is hard to deal with. You are doing a terrific job.

Karen

[sapphire68]

Now if I approach him this way...I can pretty much guarantee we will have sex Sat or Sun. This approach does a few things for us.

I do this with my H as well. We can ONLY have sex on a weekend morning (before 7am) if we are going to do it at all so I will talk to him about it all week leading up to the weekend. I also wear cute, sexy clothing all week long to get him thinking about what he's gonna get. I think it helps somewhat to plan it out and not be so intent on bugging him about sex day after day, although some weeks it's all I can do to keep my hands off him, but I try.

[Greeneyedlass]

Karen,

Thanks For some reason figuring out that he honestly does have this issue has helped me keep the resentment at bay too.

GEL

[cinemanymph]

GEL,
Props to you and your H for the success in your R.

He's also really starting to understand that "I" say exactly what I mean....so he's learning not to try to interperet what I say, looking for hidden meanings or traps

This shows the level of trust he has in you and himself. Does he ask you to clarify if he doesn't understand something?

[Greeneyedlass]

Cine,

Well sometimes he asks me to clarify if we're having a conversation, but rarely if it's me ticking off things I need to take care of during the week that I will need his help with (which was what this instance was about), because that's usually very clear to begin with (I need you here at x time, or I need you to pick up our S (or take him to daycare) on this day because...)

The thing we have been going through lately....and in my mind this is kind of funny, but I can see it's something he struggles with is this......telling me I didn't say something to him, when I know for a fact....that I did.

My H has this all too human habit of not always listening when I'm speaking to him (I know, how dare he....considering we all do that LOL). Anyway, his mind interperets "I told you xyz a few days ago" as "you idiot why didn't you know that?!" It's merely habit for him. So instead of wanting to feel like an idiot (and believe me guys...I don't treat him like an idiot if he doesn't remember something" he'll get really defensive and tell me "you never told me xyz!"

Well since I'm human I also have a tendancy to react at times, and sometimes get pulled into that "No you didn't, yes I did....whose on 1st routine". It finally dawned on me the other day when we were going round and round about one of these instances that he was seeing once again doing this "I'm right, you're wrong" thing. It was as if he viewed it in a manner that said if he admitted he didn't remember something I said #1 he'd get in trouble (not true) and #2 he'd be admitting a flaw. So when that dawned on me I looked at him and said "Honey, it's ok not to remember something I've said to you. Heck! I forget stuff all the time that you tell me, that's why I ask you questions sometimes. We're both human...we get distracted, or sometimes we just simply forget."

I've learned with him to recognize that defensiveness and when he's interpereting something as me trying to prove him wrong, and then do what I can to diffuse that interpretation. I don't get angry about it, I just remind him that it's ok...he's allowed to make mistakes, forget things, and in general be human....just as I am. It's not a one-way street.

Last time when I told him it was "ok to forget something I told him"...he just got quiet. It was as if I could literally see the dynamite fuse go out. I could see the cogs in his brain working when I said that and almost see that lightbulb go on when he realized himself that he was getting defensive about something...when I wasn't attacking him, and he stopped. Visual improvement like that to me is priceless.

GEL

[cinemanymph]

My guess is someone really raked Mr.HP over the coals for forgetting something they said and it is such a sticking point for him that he denied forgetting (or not hearing in the first place) anything you say.

Does he fill in the blanks when he is not sure what you mean?

[Greeneyedlass]

cine,

I do know via my in-laws that my H's previous W would rake him over the coals. She apparantly took every opportunity (at times they were present) to strike him down in cruel manners. That's exactly why I now make it a point when I recognize that defensive behavior in him to tell him "it's ok to do this with me."

Honestly cine...I can't answer the 2nd part of your question well. We rarely come across instances where he doesn't know what I mean (truly), at least not that he lets me know of or that I'm able to recognize. Our communication has really improved and is really quite good now, especially since he now understands I say what I mean.

GEL

[Greeneyedlass]

Well since I left off my update with talking about my H's defensive behavior...I'll pick up with that as well, only this time praising him for making an attempt to shift that behavior.

Yesterday my H and I met up at our Dr's office (where we get our allergy shots). We never end up there at the same time due to our schedules, but for once we did. So while we waited we talked a bit about our days. My H started telling me about a situation he'd been dealing with at work (so I shut up and listened) and he went on to tell me how he dealt with it that day....by not getting defensive and listening to what the guy had to say, then working towards a solution. While I listened he told me that this approach really seemed to work better for him and that he'd been trying to do that more with the guys that work for him. I took the opportunity at that point to ask him...why he felt that approach worked better. He said, because if I'm calm and I listen to them and HEAR what they have to say....I can help fix the problem easier. If I just jump to the defensive I'm busy trying to think of reasons why something wasn't my fault, or why it was someone else's fault on another shift....so I'm completely missing what the other guy is telling me, which only makes him madder and we kind of go back and forth from there.

So I said..."That's great honey! I've noticed that you aren't as stressed out when you get home....AND that you've been stopping to listen to me at home more too. Have you been trying that on me at home too...or is it just risidual left from doing that at work ?" His response was something like "I probably have been doing that at home too, but now I'm not having to think so much about it. One thing's for sure though....when you told me I ALWAYS jumped to the defensive before....you were right, I did and I didn't even know I was doing it until I started paying attention when I'd talk to the guys in the shop. I started doing the mental "stop" and it helped."

So it wasn't a very long conversation at all...and I made sure to validate the effort and changes he's made. It's not an easy thing to shift your reactions and way of responding to people/situations. This literally took a shift in his way of thinking. It took him mentally stopping himself from doing something that had become habit and creating a new habit...and it took doing it more than once to see the results. This is great improvement for him!!! I have to say too....GOD does it make it easier to talk to him LOL.

Well that's all for now guys
GEL

[cinemanymph]

GEL,

Happy belated anniversary.

Is there any treatment for kidney stones or do you have to wait it out? Back pain sure can put a physical relationship on the sidelines. Gee, having both problems at once has got to be a complete bummer.

Are you able to enjoy any physical closeness?

[Greeneyedlass]

Hi cine :-)

Well there are things you can do to help with kidney stones...but his aren't big enough that they will do surgery. I've been having him drink fresh lemonade and drinking black cherry juice though from time-to-time, both are supposed to help dissolve them (if they aren't too big). He's actually not had any real pains from them in quite some time, so maybe it's helping.

We are managing to have some closeness too....although we did have quite a dry spell lately...broke that this past weekend. He's actually been doing much better all around lately (gotta give him credit where credit's due.) I see him working on being a happier person, being not so defensive, thinking differently about things....he seems to be making this paradigm shift in his way of doing things and it's so interesting to watch. I think that (and the intermittant kidney stone pain) have something to do with the dry spell we had. I imagine it takes quite a bit of direct thought for him to make the changes he has been making....for him to do that, I can easily see how he would have a tough time concentrating on both.

Last night though he was being really playful with me and kept smacking me on the butt (very atypical for him in the past)....he's also been commenting quite a bit on my chest. It appears he's beginning to make this happier, new approach to things in life more of a habit now...and so is able to also introduce other things to work on....like being physical with me.

Honestly guys....this man has made some BIG changes this year.

GEL