Below is an earlier post from 2 days ago. Although today was a tiny bit better than yesterday and the evening before, I so badly want to know what is casuing her to pull back after giving me this card. Do I dare ask her why she chose to write the words ILY in the card or will this most certainly be considered pushing! Is there a tactful why to approach this?? I'm finding myself really down because of this and I felt like we were making really good progress!
Quote: We are now almost 2 months from the day she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore, cut off our sexlife and declared she didn't know what she wanted anymore but was not ready to try for more. Since then my books DB and DR have been my best friend and I've even taken advantage of the counceling DB offers.
As I have said in a previous post, even thought she has declared a lack of love for me she continues to say ILY several times a day when we part or on the phone. I've even received a few ILY's for no reason at all. I continue to resist the temptation to say ILY first and only return those words when she says them first. I have kept up with my 180's, my personal changes, more of the same behavior techniques and have had some positive results, however small they are.
Today was my 40th birthday and the day started off the same as anyday with her since the bomb dropped. After work we kept with our family tradition of letting the person celebrating the birthday choose the resturant they would like to eat at. Even though it was my birthday and the server turned to me first for my order I insisted ladies first, something I know I have not always down. I think she appreciated this gesture. Anyway we had a wonderful dinner with the kids, had many laughs all around the table, made great eye contact and smiled at each other quite often. We've had a lunch date scheduled for almost a week now to go out on Sunday. I promised myself after she accepted I would not talk about it until Sunday unnless she brought it up. To my surprise she brought it up at dinner and we talked about where we might eat after our walk. After we got home I sat in our Rose Arbor swing and she promptly joined me. She sat next to me and took my hand as we talked about different things going on this weekend. At one point she turned to me and wished me a happy birthday again with a nice kiss, backed up by a second kiss. I was then surprised when she motioned for a third after I pulled back from the second. After that we did the usual cake and presents thing. After the kids gave me their gifts she handed me hers. I opened the card and started reading. I had to try really hard not to cry. She gave me a card I hardly would have expected to get from her. Here is what it said.
On the front cover it says: "To My Husband with love" On the inside of the cover it says: "The richest joys in life are those we share with the one we love" Underneath this she hand wrote in large letters " I LOVE YOU!" Above the main body of the card she hand wrote in the date and " To My Husband! Jim"
The saying printed in the card went like this:
"We've shared a lot of happiness, we've seen some dreams come true, and every now an then we've had our share of worries, too... But every day our love has grown still richer than before, and with each passing year I know I'll only love you more.
Signed, Love Always.. J----
I didn't want to over react to this card as I was extremely shocked, So I thanked her graciously for the card and the gift. After all that was done I felt her pull back, become more distantr and withdraw from me. She didn't smile the rest of the evening and the small physical gestures went bye-bye again too. Saying goodnight seemed uncomfortable too for some reason. I so want to know whats going on in her head but I resisted the temptation to ask what was wrong.
I'm still beside myself as to why she chose to give me this kind of card. I'm sure there were many other cards with less feeling in them that she could have chosen.
Sounds like she "really" put her self out there... It's hard to tell how she took your reaction. Men and women see things totally different, so it's possible you thought you were being reserved and she thought you were being something else less favorable?
Another thought is that maybe she gave you the card with the best of intentions but it may have been too soon for her emotionally and it made her feel odd.
I'd act "as if" and see where that goes.
Link to stuff from the spring.. before I gave up...or he moved. Either way.
Quote: I didn't want to over react to this card as I was extremely shocked, So I thanked her graciously for the card and the gift. After all that was done I felt her pull back, become more distantr and withdraw from me. She didn't smile the rest of the evening and the small physical gestures went bye-bye again too. Saying goodnight seemed uncomfortable too for some reason. I so want to know whats going on in her head but I resisted the temptation to ask what was wrong.
Wow. Your story is quite something. I also have no clue as to why she reacted like this. If you ever find out what was wrong, let us know. Obviously she must have wished for some COMPLETELY different reaction, whatever that could be. Let's hope one of the ladies here is more cluey and will shed some light on the strangeness of women as evident here.
I don't find what your wife did was odd at all. Is she in MLC? I think laBeans is right. She really stuck her neck out and withdrawing is a typical response. Your reaction probably had nothing to do with but I think you reacted the best way possible. DO NOT ask. I think she would feel pressured and that would push her further away. Your "gentle appreciation" response was spot on. Enjoy the card and let it lay for now.
I think you are absolutely right. My thinking over the pastr few days is she did stick her neck way out on the card felt scared and retreated. I never did ask her about it as I know this would be considered pushing and I knew too large of a reaction could be bad too so I went for the appreciative approach.
I've been doing alot of work on showing my appreciation. She threw me a 40th birthday party this past weekend and for the first time instead of just thanking her for what she did I went out and got a blank thank you card and wrote the following:
Dear J----
Now that I've turned 40, I thought I'd better write you this note before the arthritis sets in
I want you to know just how much I love you and appreciate you. Thank you for all your hard work, planning and effort you put into making my 40th birthday a very special day. A day I will remember always!
I put this on her nightstand after she went to sleep. The card btw went over well. She even laughed at the opening joke!
Other appreciative things I'm doing. She is usually an early to bed person where I am a bit of a night owl. She stayed up to watch my fav show with me tonight so I told her thanks for staying up and watching it with me and that I appreciated it.
Good job! Humor goes a long way. I wish I was able to incorporate more of that into my DBing. Have you read much on the MLC forum? There is a lot of valuable information there. There is a post at the top...something like Links to MLC Threads that has a lot of good stuff if you are interested.
Humor goes a long way. I wish I was able to incorporate more of that into my DBing. Have you read much on the MLC forum? There is a lot of valuable information there. There is a post at the top...something like Links to MLC Threads that has a lot of good stuff if you are interested.