I wanted to post and let you know I'm pulling for you. I am very encouraged that you have things going on the right track. I hope things continue to go well. Thanks for all your advice. M
Quote: OMG, I actually fell to the second page. Things MUST be going better
That, and there's been a huge explosion of new threads on this board -- I spend a fair amount of time here, and I can't keep up with them all. Maybe it's the time of year.
From the musical Camelot :
It's May! It's May! The lusty month of May! That lovely month when ev'ryone goes Blissfully astray. It's here, It's here! That shocking time of year When tons of wicked little thoughts Merrily appear!
It's mad! It's gay! A libelous display! Those dreary vows that ev'ryone takes, Ev'ryone breaks. Ev'ryone makes divine mistakes The lusty month of May! Whence this fragrance wafting through the air? What sweet feelings does its scent transmute? Whence this perfume floating ev'rywhere? Don't you know it's that dear forbidden fruit!
Tra la! It's May! The lusty month of May! That darling month when ev'ryone throws Self-control away. It's time to do A wretched thing or two, And try to make each precious day One you'll always rue! It's May! It's May! The month of 'yes you may,' The time for ev'ry frivolous whim, Proper or 'im.'
It's wild! It's gay! Depraved in every way The birds and bees with all of their vast Amorous past Gaze at the human race aghast, The lusty month of May.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I noticed that you can understand why a shock to the system may be really required to get any real movement out of crazedmom's H. I also see that you are really trying to give a bit of a shock to crazedmom to get her to do the kind of work on herself that she needs to do.
My question: Can you also see how being overprotective of your W, wishy-washy, and afraid to set and enforce any boundaries that would make for the kind of R you want and need are interferring with your own progress, your W's progress, and the progress in your R?
Now, don't get your back up. I think you are doing really well. But this is the kind of thing that you have been rather resistant to hearing, yet it is clear that you see its importance in crazedmom's sitch, so I thought I'd give it another try....
OT, yea, I see your point(s) but (sorry NYS...lol) I simply think my sitch is different and can tolerate a little of my wishy-washiness.
That said, I guess I have spent my time today helping and not getting help. I don't really have time to get into it right now but I am starting to get impatient again and wondering what I can do to spark things. I dare not ask YOU that because I still don't have your book yet and thus can't complain that I don't know how to "spark" things. Until I get it, I will refrain from asking you directly for advice.
Anyway, like I said, the short story is that there really is nothing to set boundaries for. The OM SEEMS to be gone for real. There has been NO evidence of her contacting him (not that I've looked, but I didn't used to need to look, it was all over the place) nor any "reminders" of him, i.e. shirts, smelly teddy bears, etc. We are getting along well, even able to tiff now and then and move on afterward, something that we never used to be able to do, mainly because I couldn't let things go. We just still have no intimacy, despite my attempt to initiate. I am not daunted YET, but I would be lying if I said I was not frustrated. I have said this a million times here; I just need SOMETHING, ANYTHING that lets me know she is open to me being romantic towards her, and God knows, I have tried to be even without a "signal" from her but she stops short of being reciprocating.
Now, my mind keeps going back to our last R talk when she said she just needed more time to get back from "WAW" to "W" again, with all that meant. In the same convo, she also said she was not happy with the "status quo", to which I responded that i was not happy with either. I have to point out that I have been acting anything but "status quo" lately, giving her little touches, kisses, hugs, etc. All the things she SAYS she wants from me. I just think she is still not "feeling" it for me and that is worrying me. She does seem to be warming up to me but it's SO slow. I guess I just want more...now.
So here I am, contemplating another R talk. We'll see.
In any event, I am happy, and things ARE going very well as far as I am concerned, I just know I want more and I am willing to do what it takes to get it. I just don't know for sure what that is. I don't think it is any kind of wake up call for W...yet.
Real quick question here....are you still seeing your IC and, if so, have you mentioned these things to him/her? Assuming that you have, what has been his/her take on it?
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
First IC was out of town for two weeks, then I got REALLY busy and changed my work schedule so that I was no longer able to see her during normal hours. She has agreed to meet me later than she usually does and Tuesday of next week is the first I will see her in more than a month. She doesn't even know that things are where they are right now. Actually, I hope she has notes or something because I have NO clue what she knows about...
BUT, I will of course talk to her about these feelings. She has been very good in that respect and I believe she will help. She is a lot like OT in her ideas and approach to intimacy and what a woman wants. Between them and the book I WILL get someday, I hope to get a better idea of what I need to do now.
Okay. I'm sure she will have some valuable insight for you as well. You are definitely dealing with a very tough issue. I suppose in some respects, I am fortunate in that that portion of my R hasn't been "cut off"...although, and since this is where the conversation seems to heading, I wonder to what degree any intimacy is only truly an appeasement of my needs from my W. This has been bugging me as of late. Somehow I get the feeling that its not that she really, really wants to engage in any intimacy, but that is is "expected" of her. Sure, its nice to have the immediate needs met, but having that feeling is NOT fun in the least.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
