H has been home with his back out for the past 3 weeks. He has been seeing a chiropractor and says its getting better, but its real slow going.
About 5 months ago we made an agreement that I would take care of some things around the house and so would he. My big assignment was to check into putting new windows in the house. (house was built in 1974) His was to check into getting a new AC unit. Well, my assignment is done, just waiting for them to call when the new windows come in and set up a date to do the replacing. He has yet to call anyone about the AC. I mentioned it a while ago and he said he would get around to it. This morning when I was leaving for work I light heartedly said it might be a good day to call about the AC. He gave me a dirty look and told he he would get around to it when he did.
I know he is goind stir crazy, he can't do much at this point, but says he isn't in much pain really, just uncomfortable. He is such a procrastonater it drives me wacko. 2 months ago I blew all the leaves and gum balls in the back yard into piles so it would be easier for him to haul out of the fence and into the woods for disposal. Well guess what? He never got around to doing it and now he CAN'T because of his back. I asked him to check around, look in the yellow pages, whatever to find someone to take care of this. (we are having a cookout next weekend) Has he done that? NOOOOOOOOOOO Its just another of a long line of things he won't do, like go to the drs about his ED problems. There is no reason he can't make some calls to get these things taken care of. It took me 4 months last year to get him to replace a sink faucet in the bathroom, and 2 months to hook up a new dryer which sat in the middle of the basement floor while the old one sounded like it was croaking
I have been doing everything the past 3 weeks, all the cleaning, all the cooking, all the grass mowing, except for the back yard which I can't do because of the piles of stuff in it. Any suggestions on getting him to even just make a few calls while he is home doing nothing except playing computer games and watching tv?
That is really crappy. My xH was that way. I finally learned to just do it myself. I would tell your H that if he does not take care of it by a certain date - Friday? That you will start making calls. Don't be rude about it just matter of fact.
I had already decided if I get home today and he has not looked into it at all I will start tomorrow making calls. It just gets me really down that I have to do all this stuff from work, when he only works 2 days a week and every other weekend. But, now, he has been home for 3 weeks. This has been a very big complaint of mine for the duration of the marriage. I think the Idontgiveashititis has hit me and isn't letting up. I have had a somewhat high BP for like a year now. I go back to the drs tomorrow afternoon. If its not down dr is putting me on BP meds. I have heard from a bunch of people that these meds really zap your sex drive. Maybe this is just what had to happen for me to have a HUGE talk with him about everything, not just that. I have put off this talk for a couple years now and I am really getting beat down with it all. As the saying goes........... Something has to give.
You are enabling his behavior. The fix is no different that how you would treat a child – let him suffer the natural consequences. In this case you can choose what those consequences are. Instead of letting the leaves lay in the yard and being an embarrassment, just call up a lawn service to do the work for you. Don’t balk at the money issue, because if you do, he won’t and you’ve enabled him again.
Do the same for the windows and A/C. Call out for bids, let him know you want things finished by a certain date. Either he can do it or you’ll have someone else do it.
This is simple boundary setting. You need to be firm and set consequences. B*tching at him is not a consequence.
Hey annette...sorry to hear about all the crap you're going through.
Cobra: isn't she enabling him by calling on a leaf cleanup service? I'd invite all the people over to the cookout and let them see the sh!t he hasn't taken care of. Of course, she has to be tolerate the embarrassment of the mess.
But yes, I can see that going ahead and hiring the service is a way to 1)get the job done, 2)not be embarrassed by the appearance and 3)have him suffer the consequences of his inaction ($$).
Annette - it's a balancing of whether you want to continue looking at the undone jobs and be resentful, or to go ahead and get 'er done, and let the chips fall where they may.
Good luck...and it's always free to vent on the SSM Board.
I think the answer is yes and no. True, letting the friends see the mess will put the focus on him, but it will probably trigger a fight. He will take it as an attempt to embarrass him. He could see that as force or manipulation.
I guess I should have stated that part of my comment includes the assumption that money is a critical factor here. Since he plans on doing much of the work himself, I am guessing he is sensitive to spending. Usually this is a pet peeve for men.
The flip side is that for Annette to leave the leaves on the ground means she has to endure the embarrassment, as you say, but also compromise on her wishes and values. Setting boundaries all comes down to personal integrity. She needs to hold the line on that, otherwise she will become angry and resentful. She should not have to compromise her wishes just for his laziness.
I do apprecaite the replies, and it could work one way or the other. H cannot do the work himself now since he threw out his back. I don't think spending the money would trigger a fight, I discussed this with him the other day and he didn't seem to have a problem with it. Although, I sure could think of other things to spend that kind of money on, considering my son is officially engaged now and we will be expected to pick up some of the expense of it. Resentment? Yeah, there is alot of that in me, he could have had this yard done a month ago, not to mention alot of other things in this M. I'm sure he has resentments of his own. We really don't communicate very well. The little day to day things are even becomming hard to communicate about. I have seen a little bit of a shift of things in that he does spend a little more time with me doing things. Anyway, thanks guys. This does give me alot to think about.
Its just another of a long line of things he won't do, like go to the drs about his ED problems. There is no reason he can't make some calls to get these things taken care of. It took me 4 months last year to get him to replace a sink faucet in the bathroom, and 2 months to hook up a new dryer which sat in the middle of the basement floor while the old one sounded like it was croaking 