First of all i would like to thank people like Grasshopper,RBinBR,Old Timer,NYS,and many others i cant remember for helping me get through my sitch.I didnt post alot..i never though i was doing well enough to give advice,but i posted my own story and got much help from people on this board,and sometimes just reading your stories got me through many a night. My sitch Me 33 W 33 3 d's 12,9,7 Married 12 years Together 15 Bomb dropped Oct 05 May 06 GOING HOME!! I wanted to put some good news up on this board to give those who are thinking about giving up to hang in there. There was no way my marriage was going to ever survive. 2 weeks after Bomb found out about Op.. was an EA that eventually turned to a PA. I was a horrible Db'er! I did all the natural things...Beg..Plead..Cry...Gave several ultimatums....NOTHING!I was going through pure hell. Even after reading the great advice here i still insisted on pursuing and chasing my W.I did this for a good 4 months...Turns out the Op was a true loser and she was not seeing him that long but my insistance on begging,pleading and such drove her away.Just a month ago she was still living her single life and found out about another one niter kind of thing and this finally gave me the strengh to finally let go and stop the pursuit.I all the sudden was a more confident Man..I had other Women pursuing me(never engaged anything)but it made me feel good and My W picked up on this and really started feeling as though she was going to lose me and started to draw closer to me.I ve been staying back home now for about a week,and bring a few things back with me here and there.Things are going great!Better than i ever thought..We have had better sex than we ever had as a married couple(Legally Seperated Feb.06) and just tonite she told me crying that she was SORRY!and that she loved me. I take more than half of the responsibility for our downfall.I was Lazy...took my wife and my family for granted. I never imagined things would ever turn around,and not only that i feel like we are BECOMING closer than we have ever been. I did some horrible things in the beginning of my sitch that probably kept my wife away longer than she wanted.Looking back it was probably just as bad if not worse than the A itself. So no matter what you have done there is hope out there for many of us.The begging and such i think is just part of the process and when you finally stop and move on they dont know what to do..but they remember that you fought like hell..and they will remember you sticking by them when its all over.My W was a typical right out of the book MLC'er,and after reading as much as i could on this,i felt more and more compassion for her,and decided that even if we were not to be together i was going to be there for her. I know i have a long way to go..and am still a little scared of this whole thing right now..being as how the last 6 months have been nothing but lies and deceit,but i think we are going to make it to that picture all we LBS see us having with our S when this happens. I have went on a bit... so i will leave yall with a BIG thank you,and have so much respect for all who come here to save their marriage in the darkest of times. DeeJay
Congratulations deejay. Keep up the good work. Keep on being there for her, and never lose sight of all you've learned. I hoping for the same good news for myself someday. It's definitely good to see people succeed at this.
Congratulations!! UNBELIEVABLY uplifting story. You have given me just the lift I needed to keep on keepin' on. Thank you for reminding me that NOTHING is more important than my M and my family. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You're very welcome Deejay. I just re-read some of your old posts to refresh my memory about what your sitch is. Damn, you were a mess, lol
I am SO glad you are making progress, and make no mistake about it, it is PROGRESS, not the end. You know that though.
I am also very glad you came back to post your good news. Not enough people do that. So many people, and I suppose it's understandable, feel pulled down by all the negative stories playing out here that when their stich takes a turn for the better, they haul butt and we never hear from them again. I don't begrudge them that, but I do want to give you appreciation for giving many here hope and inspiration to get through another day.
Quote: Just a month ago she was still living her single life and found out about another one niter kind of thing and this finally gave me the strengh to finally let go and stop the pursuit.I all the sudden was a more confident Man..I had other Women pursuing me(never engaged anything)but it made me feel good and My W picked up on this and really started feeling as though she was going to lose me and started to draw closer to me.
You got it! See, another example of DB's princepals working even though you didn't really DB so much as the natural evolution of your sitch took you to a place where you detached, GAL and improved yourself.
What we should all realize from deejay's post is that sooner or later, you WILL DB to some extent whether you want to or not so why not CHOOSE to do so now, when there is still a marriage to affect. This is the point of OT, NYS, and many others. CHOOSE to do these things that deejay has done before they are your only option. Choose to focus on you and lovingly detach. Choose to GAL and understand that your desirability, independence, strength and zest for life will do much more to attract the attention of your estranged spouse than begging, pleading and ultimatums ever will.
I don't mean to preach but reading back over deejay's posts along the way, and they weren't many mind you, paints an all too familiar portrait of someone who didn't DB very well in the beginning, or really the middle (sorry deejay) but in the end, probably gets it more than most of us do because he lived it and knows the power of what he's done with himself.
Deejay, I hope things work out wonderfully for you. I think you sound SO much better. Just realize that in order to MAINTAIN your new R with your W, you HAVE to remain where you are now, focused on self-improvement and owning the responsibility for your own happiness.
Please, post more as you see fit, here or in piecing.
I've been reading your sitch, haven't made it all the way through yet. But thabk you for posting your success story. Your sitch sounds alot like mine and you gave me inspiration and hope on a day when I could really use it. Thank you and good luck with the future.
It just keeps getting better!! Wife told me crying tonight that she wanted me to come home!We are going this weekend to get all of my things from my mothers.We had a great talk and put alot of things to rest that have happened..and i am feeling very good that everything is All good. I think this past week we have talked more( NO R TALK!!)just talking as friends for hours on end than we did in our whole 12 years of marriage,and also there has been so much more intimacy...not just to have sex..but just touching each other,hugs,kisses..the past 3 or 4 nights there has not been any sexual encounters,but we have held each other and talked for hours.I just really cant believe how quickly things have turned around and i am exstatic!I am going to take her away for the weekend next week,and maybe exchange our rings back...i dont think in 12 years we ever got away for a weekend alone!! There are so many things you realize when something like this happens...dont get me wrong..this was the worse feelings and darkest time of my entire life,and alot of bad things have happened,but i would not change 1 minute of the pain and hurt i went through.For one we are going to end up better than ever,and i know that my wife loves me and wants me and only me,and i feel the same way.If people would just come here before their marriages get to this point we may have less divorce in this country. For everyone out there the one thing i started finally doing towards the end of my sitch,and you will hear it alot around here from GH and many more is VALIDATION!!!!!!! Yes I know i was a Bad husband! Yes i know i took you for granted! Yes i know i neglected my Family! You get the point..That was just me..i dont know your personal feelings or problems,but VALIDATE! And another thing you must be able to do if your S comes back is anything that has happened(You may need to talk and deal with some things)but once you do LET IT GO!! Anything anyone would like me to add or any comments are very welcome...I just feel so great about where we are,and have learned so much about relationships and people and Women and Men that i never would have learned had this not happened and i am just grateful that i can see our happy ending,and hope that everyone who comes here can find theirs. DeeJay
Deejay, I can't really say that I shed a tear much these days (did enough of that over the past 5 months), but that post did it for me. Sucks that I am at work.
I am SO glad you get it SO much now. I truly hope this is the real thing for you.
Quote: I think this past week we have talked more( NO R TALK!!)just talking as friends for hours on end than we did in our whole 12 years of marriage,and also there has been so much more intimacy...not just to have sex..but just touching each other,hugs,kisses..the past 3 or 4 nights there has not been any sexual encounters,but we have held each other and talked for hours.
This is what really got me because it is what I want SO badly with my W. It is great that you recognize the beauty and importance of this.
Quote: just really cant believe how quickly things have turned around and i am exstatic!
Please, please, please, don't take more than a minute away from your happiness to do this, but keep your eyes on the prize so-to-speak and just understand that there STILL could be little or even big bumps in the road. Now is the time for the MOST work and attention to be paid to your sitch. Be happy, enjoy this time, but DO NOT BECOME complacent! Always move forward.
Quote: There are so many things you realize when something like this happens...dont get me wrong..this was the worse feelings and darkest time of my entire life,and alot of bad things have happened,but i would not change 1 minute of the pain and hurt i went through.For one we are going to end up better than ever,and i know that my wife loves me and wants me and only me,and i feel the same way.If people would just come here before their marriages get to this point we may have less divorce in this country.
Wow, this one got me too because I feel the same way. I am not near the place you are yet but even now, with things still so uncertain, I would not take back the last 5 months. It has been filled with pain and suffering like none other I have experienced in my life but it has also brought with it more awareness and growth than anything else. Of course, I think you are right. If more people came her AND actually put these ideas of self reflection, loving detachment, validation, 180's, etc., there WOULD be less divorce, and many more happy marriages. The key is not just coming here, but participating here and really putting the ideas into practice which is often VERY hard and counterintuitive.
Quote: For everyone out there the one thing i started finally doing towards the end of my sitch,and you will hear it alot around here from GH and many more is VALIDATION!!!!!!!
Amen. So true. When you finally don't need to be right, when you are secure enough in your own identity and opinion to just understand that HER different opinion does not make YOURS wrong, you begin to get it VERY quickly. Validation is so important because it shows your spouse, or anyone else for that matter, that you are a confident, secure person that is truly interested in what THEY say. You are letting them know that your understand and respect what they say even if you go on to disagree. It's a lot easier to accept someone disagreeing with you when you know they actually listened to you and value your opinion.
Quote: And another thing you must be able to do if your S comes back is anything that has happened(You may need to talk and deal with some things)but once you do LET IT GO!!
I would say that the sooner you do this the better. I think actually, it is only when you "let it go" that you can really begin the work of growing as a person and spouse. I am not saying you have to forgive and forget. I am saying that you let go of the anger, resentment, and any other negative emotions that thinking of the "thing" brings up in you. I think that is the first step in detachment and it does a WORLD of good. In your case deejay, I think you just had to go a certain way in your journey before this could happen for you, but when it did, a lot of other things began to fall into place.
Like I said, I am so happy for you and most of all, I hope this sticks and is truly the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in you and your wife's lives. I wish you BOTH the best.
GH
P.S. Since you DO seem to get it now and have such a great perspective on things, maybe offer some words of advice to some of the others here who could really benefit from your advice.
Thanks Gh, I definately plan on helping anyone i can,and plan on sticking around..Like i said i have been here for 5 months,but i was doing so horrible at db it was hard to give the advice that i couldnt take myself...It definitely does work!!I was one who wanted instant gratification..I would try something for one or two days,see tiny results and then backslide all over again.. GH..I have kept up with your sitch from the beginning,and so many times i wanted to offer some words but i didnt...I personally think that your W definitely loves you and does not want to lose you,and i think the day that you decide you cant take anymore and move on she will come running... My sitch was a little different..My W did not want me to be there!!She did not Love me and did not want to be married to me anymore!!Now she cant get enough of me...She gets excited if i go to the store...HURRY BACK!! Even more great news tonight,My W decided that she wanted us to put our rings back on tonight,and we got the kids together and told them DADDY'S HOME!
