I will get laid periodically when all the planets align for my H. What I won't get is regular sex or spur of the moment sex. He won't suddenly come do me in the bathroom or my clothes closet or in his basement office. He won't make a lewd compliment when we are dressed for a party. He won't give me an open mouthed kiss at the end of a workday, feel me up and promise something more later. He only seems to "want" me when it is convenient for him. Never mind what my desires might be.
You know, someone ought to start a club for just that sort of thing Matter of fact, you voiced my EXACT SAME grievances (or shall we say griefances?) I have in my own relationship ... so I'm going to print it out for future MC reference.
Quote:
I am in a resentful mode and I realize that I do have it somewhat better than others. However, I often wonder if we will soon move from the current lack of frequency (once or twice/month) to an even worse frequency. I have no reason to believe that it won't happen that way.
Unfortunately, I don't have any words of cheer for you there as far as my own marriage goes. Matter of fact, the frequency has been dwindling from once every 2 weeks to the once a month "wifely duty" pity f-k during the 9 months we've been in MC. And matter of fact, I seem to be overdue on the once a month'er. Sigh.
I'm also in resentful mode, and I feel it growing. As much as the acting "as if" has a LOT of value generally speaking, when it comes to using it to deal with feeling like you're becoming more distant due to the lack of passion and intimacy, it's only a band-aid that falls off the scab far too quickly in terms of feeling wanted and needed -- which is something everyone DESERVES.
Christ, looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue
Sabu
It's better to need someone because you love them than it is to love someone because you need them.
Yeah - I can certainly see how frequency would get worse during MC - counseling often makes things worse for a while (I'm a counselor) but if you can stand the heat the result can be worth it. Does your Counselor seem solution oriented? If so, maybe it will help to describe what I did - these are your hopes, goals, aspirations and they are no less legitimate than your mates desires.
I have been thinking lately that my R may be reaching a bit of a critical mass stage. I'm not chasing H around with my agenda but I'm not backing off of it either. I am allowing him his 6week "solution" and at the end of that time we will see what has happened. We did ml last night, H did initiate and it was really good but it was no surprise since this is my fertile period. In a day or so when fertilization is no longer a possibility we'll see what happens to the interest.
As for glue sniffing, I has ALOT of wine last night - whatever kills brain cells has a lot of appeal.
Interesting weekend. On Saturday we had our appointment with the fertility folks which left me really crampy and hurting. H was at his best. He took the baby and DS14 shopping at the mall. He left DD9 with me to help get ready for the girls' birthday party. Then on Sunday we had an utterly exhausting party. Fourteen 9 year old girls in hula skirts, limbo etc... and twenty family members came to help H put together a swing set for the girls for their bdays. DD9 is May 7, DD2 will have her birthday on May 11. It took 6 hours to get the swing set up. At the end of the day everyone had a terrific time, the swing set is up, the girls are thrilled etc... We were both wildly exhausted.
H has been very touchy, feely over the weekend. I was cramping from the procedure but I felt horny so I said something on Saturday night - I said that I had been really hoping to ml and that I hoped it was like gift giving - "its the thought that counts." He smiled and cuddled close. On Sunday morning I came in the bedroom to wake H for church and crawled on top of him and kissed him several times. He responded, rubbed my rear etc... There was definate emotional connection and response happening. I often think that H DOES like that I have a high libido, that I want him but he doesn't like it when that very same libido causes him inconvenience, where he has to work around psychological blocks, or anxieties or situations. In that case he finds my libido and me as a person to be more than he cares to deal with.
I'm considering whether or not and in what way to initiate sex. I'm thinking of just asking so that H must actually decide and not simply pretend that he doesn't get more subtle attempts at initiation or simply lie there on his back like "ok, mb yourself on me, go ahead." We'll see.
For now, we had a very nice weekend and I do feel validated by H and the way that he responded to me. I know I cannot expect to be continually validated sexually or otherwise so I have to keep working from a differentiated standpoint even if we did have a super nice weekend.
I went home from work yesterday in miserable pain. The meds I am on for ovarian stimulation have caused my ovaries to feel as if they are about to burst, my whole reproductive area feels like someone has stomped on it with combat boots. I got home, laid down, didn't eat dinner and didn't get up until this morning. H was terrific. He was really gentle and cuddly, did all the kids stuff - homework, baths, bedtime etc... He is a really great guy and I do better when I remember that.
I wrote him an email to say thank you for all his help yesterday and to tell him that I am hoping to feel good enough to ml one night very soon. Hopefully, he will see that as a positive thing and not some kind of pressure.
Quote: The meds I am on for ovarian stimulation have caused my ovaries to feel as if they are about to burst, my whole reproductive area feels like someone has stomped on it with combat boots.
Ouch! Take care of yourself. That sounds hellacious. Your H is so good at being a nurse/rescuer. Maybe if you could reframe your sexuality, you could get more action "Honey, you know the phenomena referred to as "blue balls". Were you aware that there is a female equivalent and there is only one cure?".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I think the issue is that because I ovulate on my own the meds have increased the production to an extent that is horribly painful. I have always gotten pregnant really easily and have very regular cycles. H is very concerned about how painful this one has been and has already said that if we wind up needing to try again that we will have to build in a day or two of rest for me. Actually, I think it is good for him to worry about me and my rest rather than his own for a change.
So I wrote H a little email to say thanks for dealing with all the home stuff the last couple of nights. I needed to rest just so I could go to work during the day. H wanted me to take today off but it isn't that restful to chase a toddler all day so I decided to go to work. When I got to work I not only thanked H again via email but I told him that I was feeling much better and was hoping to "show him" how much better. Predictably I got a p!ssy little answer from H. He said that he had no idea how much toll that these procedures would take on our family, that we need to schedule ourselves more carefully next time, that we just keep getting less and less sleep (because I was in pain tossing and turning for a couple of nights) and that he felt frustrated and "didn't know what to do with his pain." WHAT??? No answer to my little fliration either of course. I don't know what else I am supposed to do. I am working FT, caring for children, trying to be a loving spouse, trying to have some personal life (reading, exercising), taking fertility meds and undergoing procedures and I am now supposed to......what?...ensure that all of that is always predictable and everyone gets 40 winks. Give me a break.
I wrote him back and said that I was sorry it was so difficult, that I was confused by his frustration and felt like a burden. Not a very differentiated response probably but I basically interpreted his words as telling me that he is frustrated by my being less of a helpmate the past few days and further that because I am less of a helpmate that he won't play my game and act like a lover.
Yeah ok. I'm being p!ssy back. It is just in my head and by the time I get home I will have myself in check.
My bf does something like this... we can be going along and I feel that some good will and connection is being generated, and I'll reach out to him similar to the way you did, and he'll slam the door on my fingers. Puzzling.
You said
Quote: H wanted me to take today off but it isn't that restful to chase a toddler all day so I decided to go to work.
Where is your toddler usually when you're at work? Can't you send the tyke off to day care and stay home alone to rest?
I have reanalyzed myself and H and here is what I get:
___________________________________________________________ From the Enneagram:
Enneagram Type Two (the Helper) with Enneagram Type Eight (the Challenger)
What Each Type Brings to the Relationship These two types are more alike than they might appear to be at first. Both are action-oriented and want to have a personal impact on their environment. Both can be sentimental and deeply feeling, with a soft side that is often more hidden than apparent. Both can play the roles of provider, protector, caretaker, and nurturer while avoiding or even denying their own needs. Both tend to overwork themselves and both tend to be the strong one in relationships (although Twos will tend to do so as the power behind the throne while Eights will tend to clearly be on the throne). Both types bring passion, vitality, interpersonal and social skills, magnanimity, and generosity. The basic emphasis of both types is distinctly different, however, with Twos being primarily interested in the welfare of others while Eights tend to be interested in their physical wellbeing and in having a distinct impact on their world, often with beneficial fallout for others.
They easily play roles that the other needs and wants: the Eight is practical and concerned with results, whereas Twos are more people-oriented and more openly altruistic. They are both strong willed and like taking on responsibility, as long as they choose it themselves. Eights often bask in the glow of the Two's affection and adoration: Twos truly appreciate the Eight's strength and efforts—and see their often hidden self-sacrifice. Both see each other's noble qualities and can be each other's staunchest supporters and admirers. Their roles are also clearly delineated, so they do not get in each other's way. Each runs different spheres of their lives and cover different bases (one plays the symbolic Mommy the other the symbolic Daddy and things are clear and balanced). These qualities make this couple powerful allies who complement each other's strengths, particularly the good effects they can have on others.
Potential Trouble Spots or Issues Twos and Eights have very different value systems: as noted above, Twos tend to be person oriented, while Eights tend to be practical minded. Their interpersonal styles are also very different, with Twos tending to be more empathetic and indirect and Eights being more direct and independent. Even average Eights tend to become proud of their resolutely unsentimental way of dealing with people and situations, while average Twos become highly attached to people and overly-solicitous about their needs. Twos tend to see things from the points of view of others, while Eights do not: they see things from the point of view of self-interest, feeling that others need to learn to take care of themselves lest they become weak and ineffectual. Thus, in a relationship, Twos and Eights have very different ideas about where other people fit into the picture, including their own family.
Both types tend to move in opposite directions and have increasingly opposing views about how to treat other people. Eights become more hard-hearted and confrontational, while Twos become more possessive and self-sacrificial. Between themselves, they can get into battles with each other about whose philosophy will prevail. Rather than feel rejected or lose a key relationship, however, Twos can get caught in a codependent relationship with the Eight. The Two can become an apologist for the Eight's bad behavior, enabling them and thus encouraging Eights to continue with anti-social or self-destructive habits. Thus, this couple might not break up as quickly as some other pairings would, although they can drag each other down without seeing their mutual trap. Ultimately, Eights can lose respect for Twos, finding them insincere and manipulative, while Twos lose respect for Eights thinking them to be cruel and domineering. Both can become coarser and more controlling if this continues, with overtones of stalking and paranoia, fears of betrayal and acts of revenge. __________________________________________________________
This is H and I. Currently, I don't give a crap about having sex with H (although I'd like some sex). I tried again to address H's deflection of my e-mail sexual flirts of the last few days. H went into a diatribe about how exhausted he has been due to my pain and need to rest and that given I am only just now better that he's not fcuking me (his words). He continued on to say how he has wanted to talk for the past few days about the fertility procedure and whether or not we should go through anything like that again. Although he reiterated that he does want another baby. He again made reference to his own pain and feelings about the procedure that he hasn't been able to discuss with me since I've been recovering. He pointed out that intimacy starts with talking and that he doesn't want to be just a warm body to cuddle with to me.
OMG!!!! Can you say martyr? Since when have I been against talking. How many times have I begged that man to turn off the GD tv and talk with me? How often have I said that I want all kinds of intimacy not just sex. Why do I keep banging my head against the wall. I guess I'll just pretend to be Sister Mary Karen for the rest of my marriage. I'll just throw myself at the altar of my kids, my work, my house, acts of service to my H and forget I have a pu$$y or a heart.
Matter of fact, you voiced my EXACT SAME grievances (or shall we say griefances?) I have in my own relationship ... so I'm going to print it out for future MC reference.