My anniversay is on the 21st we are going to dinner but I am not buying him a gift. I personally feel it would be a lie.
Stop looking at receipts don't get an idea who she is. If you can help it don't even learn her name or anything about her. I have had it both ways and not knowing is easier. These details that you must know about will eat at you for years to come, trust me been there done that! This time I call her nobody, because that is who she is nobody! She is a symptom of bigger problems not the problem, so she is not worth your time and focus.
You! Are worth your time and focus! You are wonderful! Work on being the person you are designed to be!
I agree that ME is the focus for now, and she's not worth my time, but strangely, knowing who a person is allows me to reach that stage--weird, I know. I guess it's because, as I posted in Debcb's thread, during this A stuff, and all the lies, I felt that I was going insane. Mostly I kept my head up, out of the water, but inside, I felt I bobbed between 2 worlds....my world during day, work and free time with friends/family where things were REAL, I was ME, life was AUTHENTIC. Then, H comes in and any time spent with him was mostly a lie, he lied about stupid things. Slowly the 2 worlds merged and I felt my reality slip away when I didn't know what to believe and what not to. I began to feel that if I found something, however bad, I desired the knowledge...not to crucify H, not with fear of finding out something horrible, rather, to just grasp reality. It's like coming out of a hallucination...maybe I'm just not as strong as others, but H concocted so many lies, it's amazing, it's like life being turned into a cartoon.
Anyway, long explanation....BUT, I agree....it's all made me feel that I can see her, the REAL thing, and throw it away. Selfishly, I admit that a large part of my peace is knowing that she offers a basic need and gap of pain that H had....and not much else. Not to go overboard with PMA, but really, she's not 1/2 the woman, professional, or the mother I would like to be (she has a kid, I don't).
WHO CARES!!! Ha ha haha! That's the point, right??!!
Really, I feel great. Feel like I can focus on my life again, enter reality and just live life. I spend time thinking about friends, family, work, my passions and valuies in life, reading, my health/appearance. Months ago, I was so consumed with the failing M and desperate to save it. It's amazing to see how far I've come. I never thought it was possible, but I guess that's precisely when ALL things ARE possible.
Months ago, I was so consumed with the failing M and desperate to save it. Don't go back there....
Really, I feel great. Feel like I can focus on my life again, enter reality and just live life. I spend time thinking about friends, family, work, my passions and valuies in life, reading, my health/appearance. Stay right here!!!!
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
It is I who have had a few glasses of wine tonight ;-) Such a nice diversion from my overly busy and consuming activities. I have caught up on your thread and I am so impressed with how well you are doing. I also am always blown away how I resonate with you and with how you are feeling:
Quote: Selfishly, I admit that a large part of my peace is knowing that she offers a basic need and gap of pain that H had....and not much else. Not to go overboard with PMA, but really, she's not 1/2 the woman, professional, or the mother I would like to be (she has a kid, I don't).
You are right, it does not matter anyway. But I also find it somehow comforting to see how little my H's OW matters It is really good that you see that.
It is weird isn't it, how our H's are split between two worlds, and for a while it seems like our worlds and lives are split too:
Quote: during this A stuff, and all the lies, I felt that I was going insane. Mostly I kept my head up, out of the water, but inside, I felt I bobbed between 2 worlds....my world during day, work and free time with friends/family where things were REAL, I was ME, life was AUTHENTIC. Then, H comes in and any time spent with him was mostly a lie, he lied about stupid things. Slowly the 2 worlds merged and I felt my reality slip away when I didn't know what to believe and what not to.
I have justy gotten to a place where I am unwilling to be bounced back and forth. If H wants to live dual lives, I will just sit back and observe.
Quote: It's amazing to see how far I've come. I never thought it was possible, but I guess that's precisely when ALL things ARE possible.
This right there says is it all. No wonder I follow your thread. Glad to have you in the DB fight with me. You are an inspiration.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Well, tomorrow is the day....that H comes home. I haven't seen him in close to a month, and with the exception for the 1 week I was home when I returned from my trip, we will have been apart for about 7-8 weeks. Whew.
How am I feeling? Anxious, but not too much. In check with my feelings and expectations...trying not to assume, but it's always worked better when I didn't expect any spectacular stuff from H. I think with all this time away from H, I did a lot of self-talk, processing, facing anger, feelings, etc...as I've demonstrated here on boards. It certainly doesn't mean I've closed those steps, but it's good to take a good look and take stock.
What will I do? Well, to reiterate what I've pounded in my threads (mostly for MYSELF), I will go back to loving detachment, seemed to really work before, for both H and I (my sanity and his introspection). It's all I can think to do that makes sense.
What do I fear? Of course, the pain and anxiety. I fear that H will simply "fall back" on me. I fear that H will now think that the ball is in MY court and pull the whole "no R talk, no pressure" stuff, from what he left off with, he thinks that this is a stage that I am evaluating things and not wanting M...so, role reversal that I don't intend. I fear not knowing the truth. I fear that I cannot trust again, always suspecting and worrying/checking as a part-time job.
What do I hope? I hope for peace in each of our hearts and the outcome that God and destiny have created for us, I hope we follow that path with happiness in our souls. I hope that each of us ends up doing what makes us happy--sometimes, that is what takes most courage of all. I hope to be the best person I can be, the person I want to be, at all times. I hope, in what time we have left together (a week or a lifetime) that I give the very best of myself to a person I love and cherish, no matter the outcome.
Quote: I hope, in what time we have left together (a week or a lifetime) that I give the very best of myself to a person I love and cherish
This is beautifully put, and a kick the the gut for me, as I have been quite nasty to my H in the last few days (covertly, but we've been arguing) due to all my latent emotions rising up and oozing from me since I started posting my story here this week. ugh. I feel back to square One, or in the negative, with our R (minus the OW, though, thank God) so I just have no words of wisdom for you right now, as I feel like a bit of a fraud today. I will keep up with you, though, and trust it will all work out for good as it ought.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Oh, trust me, no need to feel badly about yourself!!! I did the same when H finally admitted/acknowledged the A, which to me was like opening Pandora's box, which HAD to be opened. You're NOT a saint and your anger has it's rightful place. So, express it, and let H know. You have a right to that, as he did to express his anger over what you did the M. Just express in a more healthy way, not the way you did in the M.
Yeah, expressing in a "healthy" way would be the issue. sigh.
Anyway, I used some of your words in an email to H just a bit ago (I'm upstairs, he's downstairs. Our M.O each night, sigh. Separate lives at night in the same house, mostly). Anyway, I briefly outlined my fears & hopes like you did, and got a nice reply, so thanks to you for the complete inspiration:
And I hope for exactly the same things. We aren't far apart on that. I understand your fear, which is why I have been so focused on not giving you anything to worry you or to make you feel like I am keeping something from you. That's why it is kind of difficult when you start treating me like I am holding out on you. It makes anything I do seem like nothing.
This is fixable. The whole thing.
Gosh, but I love this man, dammit. Be easier if we didn't, no?
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I'm SO happy for your success!!! I would give any appendage or semi-essential organ to hear those words!!!! My H is still at the stage where he's plain frustrated when I ask a simple question, which I usually assume indicates that he's still lying. BUT, reading your H's post opened my eyes....it MUST be frustrating to try, and still be treated like a convict (BUT, my H is still lying, so let's not cut too much slack!).
Well...don't be too hard on yourself. Your email is a nice, BIG effort towards healthy, authentic (read Underdog's post on this in Hopefulness) communication. Respectful, peaceful, non-threatening. Geez, where was this when we were married???
Geez. Sounds like your H is being sincere, and putting himself out there...as much as he can for a guy that is scared that you will blow at any second and is still feeling horribly guilty. I know at times we expect them to come to us, with the same excitement and gushy words as they did to OW, BUT, remember, she was EASY to deal with....no baggage, no issues. But now, we're complex...remember that your H needs lots of assurance now that you want this too.
SO, that being said. How about making ONE MORE step tonight? I hear ya about the separate lives....it's like a stalemate, being stuck b/c no one wants to draw. But, someone DOES, and just let it be YOU. I remember how many times in M that H was the one to let things go, and I kept fighting/holding a grudge. SO, now, I try to be the bigger person.
What I'm telling ya, is that you need to break the ice tonight. Just a little. Be the one.
When you see him in bed, just sincerely look at him, and say "H, Thank you so much for your email....this all still hurts for both of us, and talking through email is sometimes best, and thank you for talking to me in that mode. What you wrote meant a lot to me."
That's it. Even if you already wrote it to him..SAY it tonight. Really look at him. And that's it. No expectations of heroic, romance novel sex/kissing (you'll get to that later). Beleive me, those words are the start of making the connection. It was for me. I never thought the words meant much, but they do.
Go for it, girl. Make us proud (again!). We need to hear more successes like this, it keeps us all going. Small steps back toward each other!
Gosh, not to hijack your thread, but you are so WISE about my life. Am I going to find you under my bed or something? ha.
Quote: Respectful, peaceful, non-threatening. Geez, where was this when we were married??? Amen, sis-tah Geez. Sounds like your H is being sincere, and putting himself out there...as much as he can for a guy that is scared that you will blow at any second and is still feeling horribly guilty. I know at times we expect them to come to us, with the same excitement and gushy words as they did to OW, BUT, remember, she was EASY to deal with....no baggage, no issues. OMGosh, get out of my head! But now, we're complex...remember that your H needs lots of assurance now that you want this too.
Thanks always. I am so grateful for this insight, and if I am indeed awake when he gets up here (he's up laaaaaaate nights), I will do it. I promise. And thanks for the reality check about everything. I am so grateful for that, esp. now. :::smooches::: to you
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
