I am very new to this forum. I just started logging on yesterday. Here is my story. My W and I are both 30 years old and have been married almost 6 years. My W informed me 6 weeks ago that she loved me but was not in love with me in any more. She said that she did not fell intimate with me and did not feel that these feeling would ever come back. My W said that she had been discussing these feeling with several of her friends and family members but did not want to tell me because she did not want to hurt me. She started seeing a therapist soon after telling me these thoughts and said that during her therapy session she discovered she had been gone from our marriage for a long time (she says 2 years). I asked her if we could start going to marriage counseling together and she said that the only reason she would be going would be out of guilt. She told me last Monday that she did not see any way other than for us to get a divorce. Things seemed to be moving rather quickly for me and I could not understand why. My W has always been a very loving and caring wife. I have never doubted her love and affection for me at any point when we dated for 3 years and during our 6-year marriage. It has recently come to light that she has an EA with a former friend. She has said that she is not sure if she is in love with him but she says that she has feelings for him. The OG lives 16 hours from us so I am not sure how they would work out any way but she seems to not be able to get me out the door quick enough right now. She has 2 more years of residency left before she can move anywhere. I am really hurt but love her so much that I want to keep trying and save our marriage. Her parents are against her divorcing me and feel that she is throwing her life away. Nobody seems to be able to get through to her right now because she is either lying to them or she is in a haze and will not listen to him or her. We have not had a full face-to-face discussion about the OG yet but will be meeting to discuss him tomorrow night. I made one request of her last week. I requested that she read Michele’s The Divorce Remedy. She promised me she would while she was out of town visiting some of our friends but I really doubt that she kept her promise. I am very scared because I love this lady so much and do not want this marriage to end but do not know what to do next. I feel that I am running out of time to save my marriage especially since she is not listening to anyone besides herself and her EA. I would appreciate any words or help any one can give me. Thank you!
Quote: I feel that I am running out of time to save my marriage especially since she is not listening to anyone besides herself and her EA.
You need to think of time as your friend and not your enemy. If you give her time and space, you'll give her a chance to reflect and see you differently.
You should NOT meet tomorrow night to "discuss" the OG. That will pressure her and push her away. Don't ask her to read DR or anything. Do your best to pull back from her, while still being friendly. Do NOT call her or initiate any talk about your relationship.
It seems counterintuitive, but this is your only chance.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Now, as for your sitch, realize right away that things are almost never as they seem and NEVER the way the WAS tells you they are. No matter what she says, there are other options than divorce. My W told me that there was never going to be a reason for her to work on us and look, a couple months later, all of a sudden she's working on us, supposedly with OM out of the picture.
You have to keep that faith and then really put the focus on you. There is nothing you can do or say that will just "change her mind" and make her yours again. As hard as it is, you have to realize that in the end, she has to want to be with you, something that she does NOT want right now.
What will make her want to be with you? You probably know best what the details are, but overall, it's probably you being something close to the man she married unless you're unlike most of us and have not changed much since marriage.
If she comes back it will be to a situation that is conducive to her happiness, or at least that will be her perception.
Look, every sitch is different, but as someone recently said, they're all the same at some level which is why DB/DR work in principal.
As for your meeting to discuss the EA, I am a little confused. Does she live at home still? If so, then why do you call this a meeting? Also, at whose request is the meeting? If it is yours, be careful because as DB/DR says, R talk can put pressure on the WAS and is to be avoided.
Of course, if SHE wants to talk, then do a LOT of listening and very little talking. Validate the things she says ESPECIALLY if you don't agree with her. If she says "Our relationship sucks, we never talk, and you're terrible in bed." DO NOT react with "I thought we were doing ok, we talked all the time and wow, I think we have a GREAT sex life. If that's all you're worried about we can work this out."
The key is to NOT get defensive. My W and countless other WAS from the sitches here report that defensiveness on the part of their H's was an issue when discussing sensitive subjects. You need to make her feel comfortable talking to you and that you will validate her feelings/thoughts and not attack her for it. You can disagree with her but first make sure you aren't saying she's wrong for feeling the way she does. SO...
Instead, maybe you respond with something like "I can see why you would feel that way and where we could use some work. While I understand how you feel, I do disagree with you on some of it and would like to know more about xxxxxx."
Again, if you must have this talk, you need to be prepared to hear a lot of things YOU WON'T LIKE. It is extremely important that you don't react angrily or defensive. You need to listen, comprehend, validate, and then exit the conversation, hopefully a LOT more clued in to where things stand because you will have encouraged your W to share things beyond where she thought she would since she's sure you were going to be angry/hurt/defensive and act on those feelings.
It will also be a great opportunity to demonstrate your "new" DB influenced self.
Oh, and BTW, I would refrain from offering any more books to her. It may feel like pressure, control and you're being condescending to her for you to suggest that she "self help" herself. It's also giving the battle plans to the enemy so-to-speak. She's not your enemy, but at this point there is no benefit to her knowing that some or a lot of what you are doing comes out of a book. That info is on a need-to-know basis, and she doesn't need to know.
I wish you luck with tonight and let us know what happens.
My W has a "very close male friend" who lives in another state and who she knew in high school. She reconnected with him last year and briefly thought she was in love with him in June 05 and decided we needed to separate. She quickly backed off from the being in love stuff but has kept contact with him by e-mail. She has since come to the conclusion that her strong feelings for him were because she didn't love me and is forging ahead with plans to separate and divorce. Every time I've gotten my feelings hurt etc. with respect to this other guy, it has done nothing but push her further away from me.
So, my advice, ignore the other person, read divorce remedy, and lay low. You are your own worst enemy right now and time and space are your best friends. Give her room, be a better person, and wait.
Don't confront her, make demands or anything else unless you are prepared to leave for real.
Oh, and that's a big one that John brought up, DO NOT REACT to things about the OM. Listen and move on. Do not ask questions and I would go so far as trying to move the conversation on to other subjects, or allow it to go there. The more you rant and rave about how unfair, dishonest, against morals, hurtful, etc, this OM thing is for you, the worse it gets. I think after spending close to 5 months here, I can say that is just about as close to a universal truth as you will find in all this...and by the way, NOT reacting to the OM is the hardest thing to do...of course.
This afternoon's meeting was called because my wife recently came clean to her family about the EA with the OG. She has been lying to her family and me about her reasons for wanting the divorce. Her family and her friends encouraged her to have this meeting with me to give me closure. I have scheduled an appt. with a DB consultant to speak with me right before the meeting to give me some advice on how to go about the meeting. My brother, the attorney, and my friends of course have all told me that I need ask probing questions and attack her. I know now through reading the DR and through all of your support that this is the worst possible thing to do. I need to let her tell what she feels comfortable with and show her that while I am not approving I know that her feelings must be true. I am just now realizing that I must get myself right with God and no matter what I will be the better for it. Our living arrangements are one of things that we will be discussing this afternoon. She only told me last Monday that she did not see any other way but for a divorce and things have happened so rapidly. Again the only person she is really listening to in this situation is the OG, not her family, or her friends. I do not want to move out of our house because I do not want to not be able to see our two dogs. I also think if I stay around that will give her a chance to see the new me. But on the other hand she probably needs space. I guess I need to see what she has to say this evening and really take to heart what she is saying. My family and her family are all praying that God will show her that she is making a mistake that God will show her this before she runs out of time. I appreciate all of your help. I am so nervous and feel that there is nothing I can do but pray! Thank you again!
Sounds good. I'm glad you are going to talk to a coach right before this meeting. I have not done so myself, but I hear it works wonders.
Anyway, you said the meeting was called because W has recently come clean to her family. Is this meeting with just you or the entire clan? If it is with all of them, I am really suspect about it being productive. I can't see why she would even agree with that since it's sure to be a lot of people pointing fingers at her. You participating in that seems like it would only make things worse. If it is just you and her, well then disregard and go back to the original advice.
As FOR these friends and family you have advising you, I would suggest that you cut them out of the loop if they are telling you to do things you don't want to do or don't agree with. They mean well but they are only looking out for YOUR best interest (they think) and will not consider anything other than your W "screwed" you so-to-speak. If there are some among them that can listen without judgment, then maybe they can help but I have found that limiting the number of family & friends that know is much better, at least for me.
Just wanted to let you know that you are getting some great advice from GH. Really listen to what he has said to you and keep posting.
Quote: She only told me last Monday that she did not see any other way but for a divorce
Something I learned early on in my BDing days is that it is one thing to say you want a Divorce and another thing all together to actually take the time, do the work and get one. My WAW told me on Feb 12th she wanted a divorce but has yet to do anything to start the process.
So anyway, something you will hear on this BB alot: Believe nothing you hear and only 1/2 of what you see.
The meeting will be with just me. She has already come clean with her family over the phone. We live 12 hours away from both of our families. This will be the most difficult experience of my life, by far. I have a temper but know that I cannot show any emotion in that manner. Please keep me in your thoughts this afternoon. The meeting will be at 5 pm central time. Thank you all for your help!
Be calm at all costs. I cannot stress this enough. I too get emotional and let the tears roll and sometimes get rude....but control it as much as possible. You're human, so if you slip, don't worry or beat yourself up, just quickly recover. My H has real issues with my anger, rightfully so. But, I cannot promise that I'll never get angry, just that I will handle it differently. Same with you.
Really, you need to meditate or something before this. Just be calm, still, numb if you have to.
With this whole process, don't resist. Just be yourself, be nice to her, change things in yourself that you needed to change...FOR YOU. The rest will come.
