sex starved marriage

[Nena]

I am also sex starved and need help in dealing with all the issues. I read the book and it helped me alot to try to understand my husband a little. I asked him to read it and he started but hasn't touched the book for about 2wks. I hate bringing up the subject to him because he gets really irritated. But I'm also tired and need resolve. I'm attracted to another man and wish I had the guts to act on this but I know it's wrong and would never do this to all involved(H, child, other man's wife/children) How do you deal w/this. Married 14 yrs 1 child. 14 years frustrated!!

[MJontheMend]

I hate bringing up the subject to him because he gets really irritated.

If you work on the premise that the only part of your relationship you can change is YOU then this is the first thing you have to change. You need to get over your hesitance about addressing the issue. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel stronger and more confident about addressing it. If you think about it, it's kind of ridiculous that you are considering that it would be easier to deal with having an affair than addressing this issue with your H. I mean you would at least be giving your marriage and your H a fair chance if you were to say to him "This isn't working for me. I am afraid I will be tempted into having an affair if we don't start having sex on a regular basis.". That way you are being honest and brave and acting as though you respect your H enough to believe that he can make a decision on this issue in an adult fashion. Of course, you can't count on him making the decision that you desire. He may decide to work at becoming more sexual or he may decide that he doesn't want to be more sexual and he doesn't want to be married to a woman who does or he may decide (this actually happened to my sister in one of her relationships)that he is just fine with staying married to you and letting you be sexual with other men on the side.

[Nena]

Thank you so much for responding.. I will do what you advised and speak to my husband. 6mos ago i was getting close to this OM and we actually kissed a few times but we both have discussed the fact that we can't pursue this.both married w/children. Morals, I know its so wrong but I get so hurt everyday that goes by that I don't know how long till I break. This man has made it clear to me that it would only be a physical thing(which would normally make me sick)under the circumstances though I haven't let that be a deterrant. Nothing has happened since Sept. and I don't plan on it but sometimes I do think about it. I tell you this so you can help me. and I haven't told this om about my sexstarved marriage but I'm sure he must think something. I will try to talk to my husband though and I'll let you know what happens. in the meantime if there's anything you can advise I really appreciate it. Thanks so much.

[sabusabu]

I mean you would at least be giving your marriage and your H a fair chance if you were to say to him "This isn't working for me. I am afraid I will be tempted into having an affair if we don't start having sex on a regular basis.". That way you are being honest and brave and acting as though you respect your H enough to believe that he can make a decision on this issue in an adult fashion.

Aye, but therein lies the fly in the soup, matey. Putting it like that can -- and with mates who aren't relating to us well in the first place, almost certainly will -- be perceived as a threat or an ultimatum. And "irritated" will be an understatement.

But I do agree 100% that if you think your relationship is difficult now, wait until you see how an affair gumming things up will make the relationship seem all the more impossible even tho you think you're taking the easy route.

Especially when your mate finds out about the affair ... and sooner or later, they ALL find out.

Sabu

[Brian_M]

Sorry to hear about your tough situation. As you can see by reading this forum, M issues cause a lot of pain. Hopefully the knowledge that you are not alone will offer a little solace.

I was just reading statistics recently, and I believe that it was something like 1 in 4 marriages have some sort of extra marital slip. Though, when you look at national averages for divorce, it makes me wonder about the correlation might be between those two sets of numbers?

I'm attracted to another man and wish I had the guts to act on this..

I know this may be a controversial thing to say, but I don’t see how it is possible to be human and not have attraction outside of your M. Then, if you M is stressed, the temptation is only that much more enticing.

Though, this is where the harsh reality of commitment you made to your H comes into play. You signed up for life and even had some kids to solidify the bond. M itself is the promise to forgo that temptation and be faithful, right? Actually, I think that is normally even one of the vows. Violation of that commitment will forever change the state of your M. Of course, if you H finds out, he would probably leave you. Plus, can you imagine what your kinds would think of you if they found out? Most importantly though, imagine what would go through your head if you cheated, because afterwards you still have to wake up with your H and family every day and live the lie that they can still trust you. Can you live with that? Yes, that was the fear tactic/reality check part of my speal.

So here is my controversial humble opinion: If you are unhappy with the M, I would suggest exhausting all possible attempts to fix it first. Then, if you eventually conclude that it just will not bring you happiness, get out and be free to see whomever you want. Though, most importantly, don’t allow misery to fester in a stagnant M. I would recommend interpreting this a clear sign that it is time to get up and get change started.

[Nena]

Brian, I really appreciate your input and advice and have a couple of questions for you. First, do you think I've gone too far by having kissed the OM? Sometimes I think I have but other times I feel like this had to happen to me so that I would do something about my situation(sex starved). I have a really hard time communicating w/my H. He is also not very affectionate nor does he give compliments very often. the OM(which i work with) compliments me often and makes me feel valued as a friend. I have told him that nothing will ever happen as long as I'm married and he has been ok about this but I know if i jst said the word,he would go for it. I also feel like I'm being tested(like Job) Ive been a christian for approx.20yrs and have, though not perfect, been faithful to God and my H. I have also questioned whether I should run like Joseph from the pursuit of "the temptation", or not run like Jonah did and face this OM head on and let God do a work. I figure if God allowed this, He will give me the strength right? And I am not willing, like I've said in another post somewhere else, to trade my birthright (like Jacob) for a bowl of stew(sex). Trust me I have thought long and hard. I've cried and fought with myself and my thoughts. Also in keeping the marriage covenant(that if I never had sex again for the rest of my life,would I die, no!). But its something that I feel I need in my life and I feel like I'm pulling teeth trying to get my H to have sex. I'm tired of initiating it and tired of not being pursued by my H. Sorry this is so long but I just had to get this stuff off of my chest. I hope you respond. I know I need counseling and so does my husband but right now that's not going to happen so I'll rely on this site for my sanity. Thanks again.

[Cobra]

Nena,

I’m getting a very strong martyr feeling from you, that you are trapped in this dilemma for some strange test by God and you have no other choice than to weigh which choice is the best of all evils. Sorry, but I don’t buy into this simplistic way of thinking. Your logic, based on Biblical stories, is full of rationalization. The bottom line is that you have the ability to think, that God granted you free will and the ability to tell right from wrong. Rationalize it all you want, but sin is sin, when you convince yourself God tempted you or not.

There are plenty of alternatives to the choices you present. It is up to you to forge a new path, one that creates a win-win situation. But that means turning the focus on you to understand what it is about you that turns your husband off. In fact, you’ve not said anything about your husband that is a problem for you except that he doesn’t want to talk. Why is that unusual among people with vulnerability issues? Why are you soooo eager to jump ship and take up with this other man?

You’ve given us nothing to go one. How about some detailed background on your sitch, at least 3-4 times longer than your latest post. Stop withholding the bad stuff too. I consider withholding information that someone knows could paint a different impression is tantamount to lying. Both tactics are meant to manipulate other’s opinions. Doesn’t the Bible say you should be true to yourself and others?

[Nena]

Cobra,
Yea you're right, I do need to give you more background because I am in no way thinking or making myself out to be a martyr, I'm simply trying to work out my struggles and trying to get help and answers to all of my confusion. I am also not eager to jump into anything with anyone because if I was I would have already-I'm just struggling with the thoughts due to what I am lacking at home. And I don't believe that God tempts us but He does allow us to be tempted(by Satan) for His own purposes whether it be to teach a lesson, humble us or simply to make us better and stronger people for His glory that our faith and walk can be stronger, nonetheless we still have to go through it and sometimes though we know it's wrong, we still struggle and in our humanness sometimes stumble and fall. I'm not trying to justify anything either because I know what i'm feeling and thinking is sin and wrong- again I'm just struggling.
Now as for my sitch: I really don't know what turns my husband on or off otherwise I wouldn't be here writing looking for help. I was married 14 years ago, we dated for 3 1/2 years and in that time we mutually decided that there would be no sex until marriage to honor God. There was a physical attraction and we even had a few close calls. When we were married I was crushed on the marriage night because he didn't even try to be with me, I felt rejected, alone disillusioned etc. but thought it was just that he was tired. the next night nothing again cause we were at my sister's. 3rd night nothing(tired I guess!) then on the 4th finally and it was great. then sex only every other day for the remaining 6 days of our honeymoon. ok. After that about once a week for a couple of years but I always had to initiate. I questioned him but never really got anywhere. I tried being patient throughout the years and never pushed counseling for this to avoid humiliating my H. and I have never discussed this with anyone until now, alot was shame on my part, like what's wrong with me and those kinds of thoughts. At the same time I really wanted to have a baby and started seeing feterlity docs. H was behind me but not having sex very often-once a month maybe. I started concentrating more on my job, it made me feel like someone and took my mind off of my sitch. My H has an anger problem which we have gone to counseling for. His background is full of physical abuse. His dad cheated on his mom and beat her quite often(he's always been afraid that I would leave him) Never really acts jealous but just gets angry when he's had it. there was a few incidents of physical abuse towards me and one time he struck me several times. I left the next day and was out for 2 weeks- everyone(pastor, parents,friends, family) advised me to forgive the incident and return, I did. Nothing has happened since except for verbal and sometimes breaking other things etc. you get the picture. We attended counseling sessions for about 6 mos. He has changed alot but I still have resentment and am still hurting from all of this. Even so, I try to put it all aside and keep trying to keep it together. I finally got a child(Big time miracle) only had sex one time the month I got pregnant. So you see it's not that I'm trying to take the easy way out, I've been in it for better or worse. Part of what i'm going through I believe is a midlife crisis type of thing. When this OM started giving me attention, I questioned why my husband couldn't see what other people see in me and why we don't have the passion and desire that I feel which I want to have with my H. I started questioning whether life is passing my by and all of my hopes and dreams would always just be hopes and dreams, could they ever be reality, Am I living what God wants me to live, how can I get my life(with my H and Child) to be where I know it can be? And there's lots more. I'm not saying I'm perfect or anywhere near that, just that I know I'm trying to find answers. and as for manipulating opinions or lying, I don't think so! I think maybe you just thought I wanted to hear that I'm ok and my H is the one with the problem, no, I know I have faults-plenty but I am open to hear whatever anyone has to offer, it all helps. I always say don't say anything about anyone(judge) unless you've walked in their shoes.you made me think about myself and why I am where I am because I'm not being honest, but no, that's why I'm looking for answers because I don't want a divorce, I don't want an affair, I want to have the passion and love for my husband that I know can be there,I just don't know how to make it happen. And I want to follow God and be pleasing to Him and not allow sin in my life. please respond, I can learn and need objective outlooks, criticism helps too, to keep things in prespective. Thanks

[Lillieperl]

Nena, your sitch is heartbreaking, and alas, all too familiar to us on this board. The early signs that your partner wasn't that into sex, the wondering what is wrong with you that your H doesn't respond when you can see that other men find you attractive, the shame, the sadness...all very familiar to me personally. The physical abuse part is something we don't see much of here, however. That is worrisome.

First, you must realize that it is NOT you. He is not being this way because of anything you are doing or not doing. Your appearance, your weight, the way you cook, whether the house is clean... none of this stuff is relevant. This is a man with demons inside him (I don't literally mean "demons," so don't take me literally!). He has a lot of pain from his past and is probably full of self-loathing. Coming from a background of physical abuse has scarred him emotionally.

Does your H admit that there are problems in the marriage? Or if you ask him, does he make it sound like YOU'RE the one with the problems, but he's fine?

I'm curious that you said you didn't want to push counseling because you didn't want to humiliate him, but then you said there was some counseling for anger issues? Who initiated that?

Does your husband share your religious faith and is he comfortable with expressing that? It can be a very moving experience for y'all pray out loud for each other in God's presence every night, or at dinner time. For people who can pray out loud together, it's a way of being safely vulnerable-- the other person "overhears" you sharing your concerns with God. I love it when a guy is not embarrassed about praying out loud. My late husband could do it, and so does my boyfriend.

It's time YOU made some decisions about the marriage. Both of you need to be in marriage counseling together. You may need to shop around for the right person. You may or may not want someone with a specific religious orientation. Ask around, pray, talk to people-- don't settle for just anyone. The relationship with the counselor is important, so make sure it's someone you have confidence in. Is the person doing the anger counseling a likely candidate?

[Brian_M]

Nena:
I hear that you are clearly suffering a great deal. Believe me, I sympathize. My W did not want to ML to me on our wedding night either. I know far too well how things like that can really hurt. I share this with you to reinforce that you are not alone in your pain. Sadly, you experiences are far too common. Though, the uplifting thing to remember is that you can change the situation. There are resources available to you where you can find guidance. Most importantly, these problems are not a reflection of your self worth!

With that said, do you really need me to even respond to the questions you asked or do you already know the answers in your own heart? Yes, you are having a hard time communicating with your H. Though, based on your own statements, it seems clear you already know that getting help and working on the communication issues will be far more productive than seeking validation outside of your M. You don’t need any one to rationalize that for you.

So let’s step back for a moment. The conversations with Lillie and Cobra have uncovered that your intimate relationship with your H has been strained since your wedding night. Since then, you and your H have spiraled around in circles developing that intimate relationship based on reactions to emotional pain and stress. Of course there are problems! So the question remains, what can you do to save your M? Well, the reality is that the first step has to be both partners committing to working on the problems. My suggestion would be first and foremost, cut the OM out of the equation. External distractions will definitely carry through and make any kind of progress much harder. Next, I would suggest that you talk openly and honestly with your H and what you are feeling. Most importantly, let him how much jeopardy the M is in. (Though, I would leave the OM out of your discussions.) You must get through to your H and he must prioritize working on the issues too. I hope this helps and offers a little inspiration.