How does one ever completely remove the "Other Validation" problem from their life? I want to be desired, but "Other Validation" is bad, so how do you stop wanting to be desired. How can you ever get to the point that "I know I don't turn you on in anyway" but thats OK, I don't need it. It just seems like human nature to want to be desired, so how do you stop it?
You don't. A basic need is a basic need. But you can become more secure in your self-love to the point that lack of desire from others is just annoying and not a cause for major depression. Just like feelings, you can't really control them. But you can control how you respond to them.
Or the other possibility is that if someone isn't willing to even try to meet your need and you can't accept that as it is, you find someone else to meet it.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Cemar, I used to think that I was sexy only if my H found me sexy.
Now I think I'm sexy, regardless of what he does/says.
I validate myself..I know who I am. I don't look to him to provide my esteem in any area.
Don't get me wrong--I want him to think I'm sexy and his opinion certainly matters to me.
But it's not the end all, be all. It used to be that if H noticed me, man I thought I was hot. If he didn't, I felt like a disgusting loser.
I look back on that now and think, wtf was wrong with me?
I suspect that getting over this is a bit easier for the HDW, simply because we get validation of our sexiness on a daily basis. So it was easier for me to say, Hey I'm pretty good all on my own, despite what H does or doesn't do. The attention from other men fanned that flame and helped me to ingrain this thought into my personality. But, ultimately, it was a matter of relying on my own opinion of myself and not someone else's.
H has expressed infinite gratitude at this change in me. I used to exhaust him with my desire for him to prop me up.
Quote: How does one ever completely remove the "Other Validation" problem from their life?
It's totally natural to want to be validated but it shouldn't be totally necessary. Think about it this way. If you do a project at work and you know that you did a really great job, you don't really need your boss to give you a big gold star on your forehead in order to feel good about it. Also, if you really know in your heart that you did a great job, you really won't be that affected if your boss for some reason beyond your ken gives you a bad review. Conversely, if you feel like maybe you did a lousy job, you will be very dependent on your bosses approval to make you feel better about the lousy job that you did. Another important point would be that though you shouldn't need validation from your boss, you still might want to get a pay raise. So, the question is - What are you working for? Self-approval? Other-approval? The money?
Personally, I think a certain amount of desire for other-validation is healthy or unavoidable. It just depends on the context.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I suspect that getting over this is a bit easier for the HDW, simply because we get validation of our sexiness on a daily basis. So it was easier for me to say, Hey I'm pretty good all on my own, despite what H does or doesn't do. The attention from other men fanned that flame and helped me to ingrain this thought into my personality. But, ultimately, it was a matter of relying on my own opinion of myself and not someone else's.
This need to internalize my belief that I am sexy was very important to me because I kept having the thought "He used to reject me because I was too fat. What's to stop him from rejecting me when I get old and wrinkly?". The obvious answer was my ability to believe that I was still sexy even though I was old and wrinkly.
CeMar, I am kind of joking when I suggest this but if you want to compartmentalize your desire for other-validation for being sexy outside of your marriage all you gotta do is post a picture of your manly biceps on this thread and all the ladies will validate the heck out of you.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
"CeMar, I am kind of joking when I suggest this but if you want to compartmentalize your desire for other-validation for being sexy outside of your marriage all you gotta do is post a picture of your manly biceps on this thread and all the ladies will validate the heck out of you."
Yeah, see what happened when I posted my photo? Lil and DN both went crazy with desire. LOL And LFL was so enamored that she almost gave up chocolate. (Chrome ducks to avoid the box of chocolates thrown by LFL).
I'm kidding ladies. Your compliments were sincerely given and sincerely received. And sincerely reciprocated.
Chromo-cuda
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chromo-Cutie Sorry, but I won't waste my box of chocolates, even with the opportunity to bing you in the back of the head. I know we are not supposed to need "other validation" but it sure feels nice. So I'll throw some your way (instead of the chocolates):
You're a hottie!!!!
Don't let it go to your head.
See, Cemar, you could receive such validation if you just opened up a little more. You just come off so...."stiff" on the boards (and not in the good way lol). I'm sure some of that must come across to your W. So give and you shall receive more in return. I'm sure your W would be willing to provide more validation if you took a slightly less rigid approach. maybe..hopefully?
Quote: Yeah, see what happened when I posted my photo?
I was just so dazzled by so many photos of tall,handsome men I couldn't single you out for validation. Since I am quite tall for a woman, 5'9", and have been since I was 13, I have an odd reaction when I encounter really tall men. I am attracted to them but for some reason I always assume that they are most attracted to 5'2" women and so I write them off. This is probably a universal prejudice I developed based on one bad experience in high school.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Mojo: I still have a picture of you saved on my hard drive from that first pic-swapping period a couple of years ago. You could bite my bicep anytime, you tall drink of water.
Hairdog, who thinks chromo is highly overrated, merely because of his "member-ship."
I still have a picture of you saved on my hard drive from that first pic-swapping period a couple of years ago. Well that's not fair to the newer folks! Let's see! Let's see! Give it up Mojo. And we're still waiting on HP too. And everyone else! I like to see who I'm "talking" to.
And sincerely reciprocated.