Well 2006 is well underway & it's time to have a thread which is for 2006 leaving 2005 behind
I'm not quite sure where I'm suppose to be going right now but I do find myself being led to make some changes this MLC journey is a process for Byron but also a learning one for myself as an LBS
Not all lessons have been learned quickly Some lessons were learned the very hard way & some were easy Other lessons I'm still trying to grasp while there are those I've almost perfected but these lessons have taught me one thing for certain Learning is a lifetime thing to be welcomed & sought & those who won't learn on their own will eventually get taught by life An Education means nothing if you don't have Wisdom Education is a set of skills & book knowledge Wisdom is the ability to use Knowledge to it's best
I'll update later & include a link from my last threads
When I come back I'll be posting my lessons learned from HeartsBlessing with my typical red being my own thoughts or observations
Quote: The importance of establishing a "Time-Line"
Establishing a "time-line" is more to help you determine a POSSIBLE time-frame-how long you may expect to be in HIS/HER MLC. It is more for something to hold onto and helps you keep your hope and faith--and a possible end in sight-light at the end of the tunnel...etc.
If you will look back in hind-sight the SIGNS were there, not just of affairs and such, and but the definite signs of when he/she entered the tunnel.
That helps you establish the beginning-because the "bomb" dropping WAS NOT the beginning-it began WAY before then.
The onset of the "bomb" or "full-blown" stage of MLC, CAN mark a possible HALF OR THREE-QUARTER-WAY POINT OR SOMEWHERE CLOSE TO THE "AWAKENING" OF THE MLC'ER-AND HOPEFULLY GETTING READY TO COME OUT OF THE TUNNEL INTO ACCEPTANCE.
Depends on them, and how willing they are to face their issues once they "awaken". Every MLC'er that gets ready to come out, experiences this "awakening". And what I have described concerning the journey into Acceptance, comes AFTER this "awakening."
And if you look backwards you WILL see when it started. Now, according to Jim Conway, a MLC takes 3-5 years maybe longer to play out-if you look closely, establishing the beginning of this, and see where you are now-only THEN will you have ANY idea of just how long this may take.
For example, I will outline my own case which has turned out to be a three year MLC case:
October 1999-My husband was involved in an accident that killed a man instantly. He had a nervous breakdown that day and beat himself to pieces for something that was NOT his fault-nothing I or his sister could say would make him feel better.
Late November 1999-He experiences a great burst of anger-entering the tunnel but I was unaware of anything EXCEPT I sensed the emotional "door" closing between us.
November 1999-December 2000-He withdraws at times, throws tantrums at others-insults me at times, but yet so loving at others-We are fighting near continuous-more than once I saw him throw his wallet at the front door or throw glasses in the sink because he feels that what he says is NOT being listened to. Tells me to "shut up" near constantly-and no matter what I say or do--it's not right in his eyes-and I'm confused.
Skips checking for my voicemail messages some nights-seems to be 'teasing' me about running away with a "boyfriend" if I'm late leaving a message. Starts coming home later and later on Fridays nights, and sometimes wouldn't show up until Saturday morning of each week.
Ignored me and son totally, and shuts down-we bought a house during 2000, and moved-the stress of all this got to me, and I blew up one night in November of 2000, he threatened to leave me that first time, saying he didn't have to listen to what I was saying-I begged him not to leave me-and we ended up on the bathroom floor, trying to figure out what had triggered this HUGE fight.
In hindsight, not long after we moved in September of 2000, our emotional and spiritual bond disintegrated-and I felt the effects of that break. His distancing got worse AFTER the fight in November.
January 2001-August 2001 He spends more and more time on the computer-becomes more angry and distant. I'm at a loss what to do except to leave him alone. If I did ANYTHING in the way of affection-I would get angry looks and if I interrupted him, I would get angry looks. If I entered the room while he was on the computer, he would close whatever he was looking at-I didn't think too much of that.
In May, things took a different turn-he came out of the bathroom one day and I saw he'd shaved his beard down into a goatee' and the look on his face was like that of a small child that had done something wrong-I didn't like the goatee' I HATED it, and said so. He just disregarded me.
I began to discover breath mints, he began taking care of himself even better than he had in the past-I just went on with my life-it was all I could do-I didn't know anything then-I just trusted him like I had always had done.
In July 2001, his Dad died, but he didn't call me to tell me until TWO hours after he knew-and he acted strangely, not wanting me to go with him, and I thought I wasn't going to be able to as son was going to summer school at that time, and couldn't miss.
My sister-in-law offered, on her own to keep son while we went, and my husband was NOT enthusiastic about it--strange, considering you'd think he'd have WANTED my comfort, but he didn't.
The whole trip was weird-He stepped out of the motel room and was gone for almost three hours, and his excuse, when he came back was that he'd talked to the clerk-I found out later on that the OW had a 1-800 number, and figured that part out in hindsight.
PLUS-I discovered he has TWO messages on his cell-phone, but he won't allow me to retrieve them for him, says his "code" was messed up-his step-mother said she left ONLY one-guess who the other was from? OW, no doubt.
Anyway, he's in this big hurry to come back and go to work after the funeral, even though his step-mother begged him to stay at least one more night, but he refused. I can't explain his attitude-it was like he couldn't have cared less how she felt, and he didn't want to take time out of HIS life to spend time with her. I remember being VERY angry about what he did, but couldn't do anything about it.
And so we resumed our lives, supposedly. By August of 2001, I was UNABLE to reach him anymore-things were bottoming out, and though I knew he loved me(or thought he did) I didn't think he cared. And so therefore I let him go into the hands of the Lord to deal with.
September 2001 marked a turning point-two days after the attack on the World Trade center, I was fixing to log-into the internet when I saw that my reycle bin had something in it-I hadn't thrown anything away, and so I looked, discovering my son was accessing pornography--oh LORD!
I called him into the room and showed him what I'd found, and got onto him, telling him that he was grounded until I could speak with his dad about it.
I was floored, but ok, understanding that kids sometimes are curious-but of course I couldn't tell HIM that. LOL
Then it occurred to me that the cookies were still on the system and I had to get them off. When I ran a search, my HUSBAND'S login showed up-and my heart dropped into my stomach-I logged into his desktop, and looked at his history-and discovered HE was accessing--and had been for over FIVE months-mostly red-headed porn.
This was the bomb that got dropped on me.
It was two more days before I could confront him, and I did it over the phone-we had a really strange conversation, but it seemed important to him that I not throw him out-and the "old" me was still there, so you can imagine the tantrum I threw! LOL
He said many strange things-like when I kissed him, he said, like it was new discovery, that I had the SAME affect on him I always had-and in hindsight, again, I now know he'd fallen out of love with me, and OW was there and had been there, possibly since December 1999.
September 2001-January 2002 After two weeks of attempting to get to the bottom of this, he decides he doesn't want to do this anymore, and more garbage spewed, possibly from guilt and who knows what else.
In late October 2001, I started finding signs of an affair-and I lived in denial for two weeks because I COULDN'T believe he had done this to me. But I was living blind and I knew it, so I asked for the blinders to be taken off my eyes-and they were. Every sign you could imagine, hit me in the face-my husband was CHEATING on me, but lied when I confronted him and threatened to leave in late November, when I finally jumped him.
It was the start of three weeks worth of misery and emotional deprivation that was worse than what I had suffered before.
We were arguing constantly, and he laid down the law to me concerning SEX of all things-that I couldn't have him when I wanted him-I would just have to hold him and be fulfilled. Or when OW would come up: He'd say that he was too fat and ugly, and NO girl would look at him-and the arguments went on and on, and the ANGER in him was terrible.
Though he first said that I hadn't anything to cause this, he then turned around and said I hadn't given him enough SEX during our marriage-it was actually the OTHER way around-he was projecting his feelings on me. He also said that I criticized when I shouldn't-another projection.
He also said we needed to start out as Friends first then progress to the lover's stage-I remember hitting him with "Friends don't DO things like this to each other."
And I just kept arguing with him, which made things worse and worse, pushing me to the brink of suicide-that was when I found Jim Conway's site and found some of the answers I needed.
When I finally GOT what I had to do, and asked the Lord to help me, things started to get better, but were far from being finished. It was strong, within my own mind by December 15, that I had had enough and was leaving-the next day my "guide" showed up, and started me along the path to where I needed to be.
A couple of days later, he began making his way out of the tunnel-traveling the emotional parts, hitting a major change on December 31, 2001-it was another three weeks before he bottomed out, not once, but twice, and instead of starting into Acceptance, he bounced into Withdrawal instead.
February 2002-March 2002-It was during this time, my husband stayed in Withdrawal-trying NOT to have to face the changes he would have to make, and his "head-clearing" tantrum, and some of my more important lessons were learned during this time. On March 24th, he broke that Withdrawal, and talked some asking me for forgiveness, confirming WHEN this started-after that he started into the final stages of Acceptance.
April 2002-July 2002 This was a strange time for me, as I discovered he still didn't "get it"-that, in a way, it was STILL all about him, and nothing concerning me. There were many hurdles to get past, and I was disgusted many times-he kept slipping back and forth between Withdrawal and Depression, having "pity" parties for himself, that I listened to quite often.
In late May, we rebonded emotionally-and in early June, another change occurred, I started seeing a "replay" of December.
He would run me over to get to the phone-and an old fear jumped up and bit me in the tail-I ended up picking a fight with him, and more lies were told. I remember telling him that "this is STILL ALL about you, isn't it? When you are ready to talk to me, you know where I am."
The split began all over again, only this time there was no "old" to see, only new and the children. And, of course I was on the road with him as he passed through the final revisitations of the stages.
Going into early July he was still "processing", but on July 10, the spiritual bond between us rebuilt itself, and he crossed over into the final stage of Acceptance.
Through the rest of July, August and on into September, he has continued to process himself -AND YES, he FINALLY asked for the answers that were inside him all along, and he began to receive those- and I have seen him change continuously into what he is becoming-on September 28, he passed OUT of the storm, facing his Final Fears on November 3, coming out of the 'gate' completely.
His ending and my ending has come together, as I finished the "clean-up" November 25, 2002, with an outpouring of "old" feelings to make way for the new ones in this New Beginning that we are both experiencing. He has NOT come out the same person he was-it is like getting to know him ALL over again, and he has to get to know ME all over again, for BOTH have changed and are NOT the SAME people we were.
As per request RCR I've copied & pasted the email which I sent out to the chat group unfortunately the colored comments don't show here & I don't have the time right now to go thru & add the color editing to this but I'll try to edit this later
Six Stages of MLC #42396 – 1/23/03 Hearts Blessing
Now remember, each MLC is different and won't be navigated in the SAME way as others-
the time-frames, Are Generalities & Guidelines not set in stone definite dates
stages gone through/not gone through May not always be clear until looking backwards later
Every thing could be a totally DIFFERENT at 1st glances yet similar in the end.
This is like a crazy Roller Coaster up & down & back & forth going in cycles
Some will come through faster than others,
some will be slower-
some might exhibit one stage at a time,
Some might exhibit MORE than one.
This gives you an IDEA of what to expect,
but don't take it as whole complete truth- you may experience more or less
Each person is DIFFERENT, and the differences WILL show up.
By popular demand, here are the six stages once again,
written by HB-drawn from personal experience, as well as the experiences of others:
1st Stage of a Mid Life Crisis
DENIAL
The word Denial should speak for itself,
as the person in this stages denies their feelings pretty strongly.
In a Mid Life Crisis, however there are several things that are denied;
one is the fact he/she is getting older,
and their bodies either don't work as well as they used to or
don't look as good as it used to,
And they feel "used up", but are even trying to fight that feeling.
They don't want to face the fact they are "wearing out"
And they can't do the things they used to do anymore.
They had always, up to this point, felt they were still in their prime or youthful,
And was ignoring the aging that was sneaking upon them.
When it finally hits home, “I’m getting Older I Don’t Want to be OLD!”
they panic and some consider using plastic surgery to enhance the illusion-or
going on a buying spree for new clothes that don't exactly fit someone their age-
And usually end up spending a great deal of money on other things. (that red sports car, etc)
All in an effort to "buy-off" the aging process-it only leads to the next stage-Anger.
They look at their children, and in their mind's eye,
They (the children) are STILL small, never mind they are now teen-agers
that are on the verge of growing into adulthood,
and so therefore they attempt to treat the young man or young woman
as they did when they were three or four years old—
only the teen is probably about 13-18, and starts to rebel against being treated like a small child,
which increases the confusion of the Mid Lifer-
they go on to try and make up for lost time, only to find rejection at the hands of their teen-agers,
and though they are hurt, they react in the only way they know how-Anger
Then there's the spouse of the Mid Lifer-
he/she doesn't look the same as she did-
as the Mid Lifer ages, so does the spouse,
and we cannot help what heredity does to our looks;
but their spouses are also a REFLECTION of them,
how they have treated them, what they have given or with-held,
and they begin to deny what they are seeing,
thinking if they had it to go all over again
they might have married someone else and been happier than they are now-
never mind it's not true- they can’t or won’t be convinced it’s a pipedream & fantasy
and that leads to the next stage--Anger
This stage is mostly quiet storming inside their heads,
no one knows what they are thinking,
only that they have become withdrawn somewhat because of their minds being so active,
And they are not talking, so no one has any clue what's happening until the Anger stage begins.
If asked, they will tell you they are fine,
and if you listen closely, their answers are a little short-tempered;
Because they just want to be left alone to think it all out.
It could be as short as a month or as long as six months to play out this stage.
I have not included being unhappy within their jobs in the stage of Denial,
because I don't think dissatisfaction with the job begins until the Anger stage-
To be totally honest,
I didn't see my husband's dissatisfaction really come to the surface until the tail-end of Replay,
although it showed while he was IN Replay-in small spurts
2nd Stage of a Mid Life Crisis
ANGER
While the Mid Lifer is in the stage of Denial,
it is actually preparing him/her for this next stage,
It seems be a "set up" or the seeds of Anger are actually planted by being in that first stage.
Regardless, the anger begins to set in,
Reality hits somewhat and the Mid Lifer begins to be really angry at the "lot" he/she has been cast in this life.
And they have a tendency to forget that others have the same problems-
they begin to be selfish, lashing out at others, especially the family & spouse
not caring how much they hurt the people that are closest to them,
even lashing out at their bosses, not caring if they are fired or not-
it does NOT matter to them, and
They really don't even know WHY they are angry.
The irritability alone wears on them and they react with MORE anger-
not really understanding it, but just going on with it,
thinking they are saying what they really feel for the first time in their lives;
walking all over anyone who stands in their way.
They begin to think "run-away" thoughts,
angry at their perception that they are "stuck" in the same dead-end job, year after year, after year;
angry their children have grown up without them,
angry their spouses aren't what they think they ought to be,
angry that life has dealt them such a cruel blow,
angry because they feel "stuck" and "trapped" in the life THEY chose in their youth.
Angry because it dawns on them, that they ARE growing older,
And there's no stopping the aging process.
They begin to think if they could just CHANGE their life, they would be happy,
but even the thought of change, makes them angrier.
They look for outside sources to blame for this unhappiness they feel inside,
and guess who gets the "brunt" of that anger-
Their family & the responsibilities due to them
their husband/wife, the one who loves them the most
The one who has seen them through many things during the marriage.
Their anger takes the form of small criticisms to begin with
and gradually gets bigger and bigger,
and the fights escalate into possibly throwing things against the walls,
making impossible demands & nothing can be done to make them happy
their spouse begins to walk on "eggshells"—
the withdrawal gets worse,
they can barely speak to one another without a fight breaking out
From the "sane" spouse saying or doing the wrong thing.
It begins to feed their justification and reasoning,
and most will find a "friend" (of the opposite sex) and develop that “Special” friendship,
never dreaming it will escalate into something out of control-the Replay affair.
Others will begin to take drugs, drink, continue with their quest for youth, and search of self....etc.
So the next stage-Replay and the Anger Stage OVERLAPS,
just as Denial and Anger did-each one has the seeds of the next and the one before.
And all of the angry outbursts gradually sets things up for the next stage---Replay
The anger stage can last from 3 to 9 months.
3rd Stage of a Mid Life Crisis
REPLAY
Now, Replay can take many forms,
from Affairs (remember that “Special Friend” & is most common a co-worker or neighbor),
to a search for youth, (interest in younger “new” friends to hang out with)
catching up on "lost" time-although you can never "catch up" what you have lost in that time-
but they don't know that.
They are still searching for outside sources to blame for their misery,
and Replay is a perfect time for a totally stable man to go crazy
and start an affair- although the SEEDS for this affair were probably planted while in the Anger stage.
They will still try to reconnect with children,
or if they were close to their children, distance from them
it is also during this time they become the total "opposite" of what they were,
before they entered the tunnel, back in Denial.
They undergo a gradual change in the first two stages,
going from what they were to the direct opposite during this time.
They will do things their husbands/wives never thought they would do.
Besides the affair, (be pre-pared for being blamed for the affair in some way)
they will feel "entitled" to what they take,
regardless of who they hurt, or how much of a financial bind they put their families in.
Their reasoning becomes "Well, I have taken care of people my whole life, now it's time for ME to have fun."
The emotions, during this time, are in play, in a way they never have been,
and they don't understand what's going on, and so they panic and "run";
but the running they do will rock the very foundation of a marriage.
The Spouse may be shocked & this is when it’s “Discovered” there’s a serious problem in the marriage
It’s during this stage most Mid Lifer will suddenly walk out & affairs may or may not be announced
The “I Love You But I’m Not IN LOVE With You” speech is given at this time
They may drink, take drugs, curse God for what He "has done" to them-
have multiple affairs, failing to see what they are doing that's so wrong-
still with the attitude of it being "my" time now.
The "bomb" can and will be dropped during this time,
shocking the sane spouse who probably has NO idea that anything was wrong,
and the problems begin to escalate, as "crying and begging" ensues, and the Mid Lifer turns away,
secure in his "reasoning" for his behavior and /or the affair/drinking/drugs/money spent.
Their behavior can disrupt the most settled of families,
most especially the affair-
the Mid Lifer's reasoning is that he/she thinks they have "missed out"
when really, they haven't, but of course they won’t believe anyone who says differently
and the OW/OM, they can/will get involved with will NOT be what they wanted all along,
In fact usually the OW/OM is complete opposite of the spouse at home & usually not as nice looking
but they won't see that until they experience an "awakening"
that gives them a direction, and starts them along the path to facing their issues;
opening the door for the stage of Depression.
As long as the Mid Lifer continues "replay" behaviors (Affairs, Drinking, Drugging etc)
they are no where near to being ready to start their way out of the tunnel;
the "awakening" they have IF they come to it,
is a "turning point" to beginning their journey out of the tunnel.
When the "awakening" occurs, they begin to suffer the next stage- Depression,
and it is a low point of the Mid Lifer's journey.
The Replay stage is the LONGEST of the stages,
and can last up to two years or even longer,
Depending upon the "replay" behaviors used during this time.
4th Stage of a Mid Life Crisis
DEPRESSION
Now, we have traveled through the first three stages, and during those stages,
The issues that are inside the Mid Lifer have STILL not been looked at.
This is the stage where the Mid Lifer is faced with the issues he/she are beginning to face,
And quite frankly, they feel like failures.
Nothing has helped the first three stages-
everything they have tried has NOT turned to gold,
on the contrary everything has turned to stone,
for lack of a better word to describe their running-
and now comes the time to begin to face their damage,
and this is done inside-
Because that is what Depression is Anger turned inward.
Their hormones are out of whack, due to physical changes,
And that makes them feel worse.
Their self-esteem is shot all to pieces,
And they feel like failures.
They wonder if they will ever be worth anything to anyone.
Some are in so much pain, they commit suicide,
some get smart and get anti-depressants to help them begin to clear their thinking processes,
some suffer in silence, thinking nobody understands them or will understand what they are going through-
and so it goes on.
They will be on the verge of tears,
most of the time, pacing the floor, losing sleep, afraid of the dark-
or maybe what's in it;
unable to escape negative thoughts,
Cutting themselves down in word and action.
Extreme guilt may compound this stage,
and there is so much pressure,
they become forgetful, irritable, want to be left alone,
somewhat argumentative, sometimes unresponsive-
want to take long drives, sit looking out the window-
their silences are long and painful,
As they don't want to talk about it preferring instead to think and brood.
You must understand they will come through this or they won't-
no one can "make" them come out until they are ready-
pestering them only makes them draw inside further,
and they need the space to work within themselves,
trying to understand some of what has happened;
the parts they can face, anyway,
Besides resolving issues that are inside them, from childhood and/or otherwise.
Understand, also, this journey must continue to made alone,
No one can "fix" it or "do it for them."
Pieces of the next stage are contained within,
and Withdrawal begins to come to the fore
as each individual issue is faced-
it is a gradual slide from Depression to Withdrawal
or both stages can occur together.
The Depression stage can last from around two and a half months to possibly six months,
depending upon the severity of the depression they are suffering.
5th Stage of a Mid Life Crisis
WITHDRAWAL
Now, the Mid Lifer has been beginning to face his/her issues while in Depression,
and what they've seen has NOT been pretty.
They've done so MUCH damage, and don't really know how to "fix" it,
and that has made them even MORE depressed.
So, for a time, they conclude that life is not worth much, and so they "drop out" of life or WITHDRAW,
hence the stage of Withdrawal.
It is also during this time,
they will navigate obstacles and question themselves, somewhat,
working their way toward what is called the "final fears"
Not much is known about what the final fears contain-
I think it is beginning to accept the death of everything they have ever known,
including the death of their "old" lives;
AND beginning to accept their own mortality without being afraid of it-
Depression sets them up for this journey across an open field toward an archway to face these fears.
During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE,
not even and especially their spouse,
as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them.
They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-
they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.
Just like in Depression,
they want to left alone,
still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives,
and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage.
But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time
They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager,
but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-
a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.
You will see some Depression and Anger within them,
they are mostly angry at themselves, but will take it out on you,
and there are times you will have to be quiet and just leave them alone;
letting them work things out, and they usually will,
as the answers, such as they are STILL come from within them, not outside sources.
As they begin to come forward,
they will begin the journey out of the tunnel-
entering the first stage of Acceptance.
Withdrawal can last from three months to one year.
6th Stage of a Mid Life Crisis
ACCEPTANCE
The Mid Lifer has navigated through five stages of his/her Mid Life crisis by now,
and begins into the final stage--Acceptance.
Now, Acceptance is entered in "Stages" Three, to be exact.
Stage ONE involves the disintegration of his/her personality,
the "veil" is lifted showing the Mid Lifer EVERYTHING, no holds barred,
and he/she realizes for the first time (they don’t really see or hear or notice during the earlier stages)
just how much damage has been done to their marriage, lives and spouse.
The spouse will be surprised to see "children" surface,
As well as "flashes" of the "old" personality, "new" personality, good AND bad personalities.
I have described it as similar to schizophrenia, Three faces of Eve, etc.
But, I promise they are NOT crazy, this is what is MEANT to happen,
for the Mid Life Crisis extracts a CHANGE, and the disintegration is a part of it,
as they are FORCED to look at every facet of their personalities and make some permanent changes.
The key to helping them through is to ACCEPT what you see as it comes forth,
and don't ridicule or shame them-
you will see little kids picking their nose for example--I saw this happen.
They will apologize for everything under the sun,
And try really hard to make up for the damage; for a little while.
Now during Stage TWO of Acceptance,
will come the temptations to want to go back to what they came out of.
The silence of the spouse is most important during this time (hard to do but necessary)
all you can do is be understanding and patient with them (try hard to be calm regardless of what comes about)
as this MUST happen and they MUST come through alone.
They will SEEM to be going backward,
But aren't, this is necessary for them to move forward. It is during this time they will "revisit" ALL stages of the Mid Life Crisis except Denial
and this shuts the "doors" to each stage PERMANENTLY one by one, never to return.
If they give in to temptation
OR get spooked by their final fears,
they WILL run BACK into the tunnel a little ways.
But they can only run back as far as the doors have NOT been closed permanently;
most of the time they just run back as far as WITHDRAWAL,
but will continue the process to come out once they feel "safe" to continue.
So, they must be allowed to come through WITHOUT interruption,
no matter what happens.
Stage THREE involves the "Archway" I spoke of in the Stage of Withdrawal-
all this time the Mid Lifer has been coming across this open field toward this Archway,
where his "final fears" are located
and he finally begins to face these fears in full-
he may come out of the tunnel and face them BEFORE he/she shuts the door to Depression/Withdrawal
or afterwards. But he will have to face them, nevertheless,
before he exits to begin his complete healing process.
It takes awhile for the Mid Lifer to get settled down,
even after he/she comes out of stage three of the Acceptance stage-
they will experience a final "rebelling" before they settle down for good.
It is much like a teen-ager who has passed into manhood/womanhood-
there are still final changes that must be made,
especially for the one who has done so much damage during the crisis itself.
But if he/she can settle everything within themselves,
their lives should be marked with a sense of peace,
instead of the anguish they have known for as long as they were within the crisis.
And they will have learned many things concerning life,
and will be changed permanently as they will NEVER be the same, ever again.
Edited by Hearts Blessing (01/23/03 05:05 PM)
Listen to the wisdom of those of who have gone before us
Another monday with needless arguement & byron pushing my buttons make us have an arguement & then he gets to leave & run away some more from his responsibilites
well it's been a bit on the busy crazy side not good not bad just crazy busy & i'm not sure exactly why
Tuesday i went dark after such a bad monday with byron i spent my day cutting out a pattern for me to try my 1st REAL sewing project is going to be a stuffed small rabbit for g-son i'm going to using some old clothes for the material - recycling
Wednesday i went out to the store with & girlfriend & she treated me to lunch
i emailed byron an article that i wanted him to print up for me & he dropped it off on his way to his mom's along with a couple items i asked him to pick up as he was heading out he sheepishly told me that he most likely won't make it monday i asked him why & he didn't want to tell, guilt looking down he mummbled that he MIGHT have training in PA to go to so i asked him about his doc's appt that was on monday & he was "like ...uuhh... i guess i'll reschedule" so i asked when will you know for certain the details? i"I guess when i go in tomorrow" so then i asked him whats the training for? byron had a very puzzled look on his face & took about a minute to figure out his answer which he mumbbled "new software or something" so his "trip" is most likely NOT for his job but with the moochers i left it at that i'm not sure if my face showed the disbeilf but i let him go on his way
Thursday daughter got out of her clinical class early & she came over to wait for g-son to get out of school she was in a bad mood - going thru the qlc growing phases early & questioning everything i gave her one spot in the power of the praying woman study guide to read question 10 in the 1st chapter asks a series of questions to make you go hhmm
byron stopped by on his way to work to drop off the mail which included my insurance card & the doctor directory
Friday it's been crazy busy - I've left this updat up & running trying to get it done but it's now saturday almost 11:30am & i'm just now getting it finished
Friday hhhmmm i seem to be in a blur as to what actually did happen not sure if thats a good thing or bad
daughter, g-son & i went out to dinner at a Ponderosa several towns away when we got back g-son was out like a light & could barely wake uo to go up the stairs
byron shwowed up with some items i had emailed him to pick up earlier he's still on his not quite giving good huggies but will give them i didn't realise one of the items that i asked him to pront up for me was a real book length file - Palm Application Manual but i can't read it online byron picked g-son off the bench he was sleeping on & put him inot his bed i told byron how high g-son tested on vocab test at school -
bragging g-ma here g-son's vocab score shows that he has the vocabulary of an 11yr old! he's 5!
Saturday ok now i'm almost done updating finally & it's almost noon I sent byron a thank you email but it looks like he's not gone into work today i usuaally get a read receipt from his job & it never came in
g-son & i are heading out shortly for a play date at my girlfriends her 2 g-sons will be over so it'll be nice for the boys to have some fun
i'm going to hit joan fabrics store to pick up a couple of patterns they have Mcalls patterns on sale today for 99 cents
I'm not looking forward to filling up the wagon's gas tank but thank God that byron got it fixed before this latest gas hikes the mileage is so much better now
so let finish this up & get dressed & out of the house
yesterday was a really nice beautiful sunny day with just a bit of a breeze to keep the sweater on
g-son had a ball playing with DP's g-son we had to leave early due to g-son playing so hard that he peed his pants typical 5 yr old waiting until too late to get into the house
we got home tossed the wet clothes into the hamper & i emailed byron to let him know that we were home & stop by after work to pick up the clothes to wash
(turns out he was at work just late due to over sleeping)
byron got here & played with g-son while watching the nfl draft for a bit he's still a bit distant & not quite back to normal huggies so i wasn't quite surprised when he popped up with the trip is next week
guilt will show up in the wierdest ways - anger - distance - gifts
Some of daughters psych test study questions 1) What is the ability to accept responsibility for one's actions, delay gratification & make priorities? answer = MATURITY 2) In later Adulthood what does Emotional Development deal with? answer = The Struggle to See Oneself AGE = (MLC is this phase handled badly!)
well got to end this now - daugther needs to use the internet
going to lay down & read a bit in the book of Joshua Dr Charles Stanley is doing a series about Facing Difficulties & he's using Joshua as his sermon example for this series Kinda fitting I not long ago finished reading the fiction novel of Rahab the harlot she was the one who hid Joshua & his friend when they were spying in Jericho sometimes God speaks in places & people where we least suspect it
monday byron came over & i thought i was ahead of schedule but i was in fact late getting ready
brag moment I am proud to announce that "I am "Doctor Approved"" byron's doctor at the end of the appt asked about us he said that the rumor mill said that we were having problems byron kinda looked shocked he asked i may have but not quite as much byron didn't speak up so i said sorta working sorta not so the doctor said to byron "you need to keep her, she's good for you"
well byron was quiet the last few remaining minutes of the appt & we didn't really talk during the trip to go fill his Rx i asked if we could stop somewhere to eat 'cause i was famished he said later when i mentioned that i was hoping to go to IHOP which we were missing the 1st exit to get to & byron said we'll get something to eat later
we stopped at the CVS over by his mother's house then byron grabbed a 2nd Rx out of the car armrest & i asked what was the 2nd Rx but he didn't answer byron left the keys in the car & running meaning i'm to stay inside
when byron came back & got in the car i asked again about the 2nd Rx ok total MLC confusion here with this answer
byron went to see the eye doctor b4 coming to get me to see his sarc doctor ok totally made no sense the eye doc is in the same building as the sarc doc the sarc doc asked about byron seeing an eye doc & byron didn't speak up like a little kid byron said "i dunno know" he admitted that doc's asking about byron seeing an eye doc is when he shouldve spoken up
i kinda think he wasn't sure why he didn't speak up his own self
got to finish this later it's almost 1:30p & as usual things have gotten crazy busy for me will update later if i get back
ok there is way too much to try to go into all of the crazy stuff that I've been thru this month
basically when byron's been actting ok thats when daughter decides to act super stupid & give me a hard time that I don't need, want or plan to continue dealing with much sooner
as supportive of daughter going to lpn school as i've been trying to be i'm tired of her attitudes & i'm not in the position that i can afford to lend her money & her not repay it , nor can I continue to keep g-son pretty much 24/7 without some sort of payment for my time & reimbursement for the costs of including g-son in what i'm doing
i guess i'm just getting tired of everything right now i mean limboland is ok in the sense that so long as byron contiues to pay the rent & utilities & i get some spending money i'm ok - not happy about the set up but ok enough to wait him up while he goes thru his mlc, i'm just getting tired of byron trying to tighten the reins on me by tightening the purse strings & not correcting the checking account
i'm thinking it's time for my relationship with both my daughter & my husband to change i guess it's time for me to have my own mlc & run away from both of them
i went to try to see bishop td jakes last nite & during the whole crazy day, all i kept thinking about is just how much i just wanted to get away - i mean g-son was trying as best as he could to be good but walking around a strange city isn't as fun to a 5&1/2 yr old as it is to an adult & it took us a bit of a while to find the kid park with playscape but it was at the end of the day so we didn't get to spend much time there
i want time to play & to do things & the money to be able to do those type of things as well
well i just realised that i'm late leaving to meet byron at walmart i posted the pics of the fun times while g-son & i were exploring yesterday
well in spite of byron actting the mlc a$$ in spite of daughter being mad'cause i want the weekend for myslef I am having a wonderfully quiet B-Day
the emotional seesaw partly mad about the attitudes flying but at the same time I'm now at the stage where I Don't Care I Don't Care how bad the apt looks I just really don't feel like being bothered by either of them today
daughter came over last nite to finally bring me some cash repayment she was upset 'cause i told her that she & her friend who were waering hooker gear looked like hookers the 2nd girl wasn't wearing hooker wear simply due to not being able to fit into her tight outfit so she had to wear something that was much more covering & flattering
**** interrupted by phone ****
daughter tells me the reason that byron had the attitude this morning she ran into byron last nite where he'd just come from a concert with the moochers so again he pays for them to drunk but this time he got caught dummy that he is robin the poison pu$$y didn't even give him any daughter told him not to lie to her where was he going he claimed to his mother's house & she said you had better be 'cuase i've got nothing better to do & i'll follow you
knowledge is power - byron's feeling guilty right now o he may still head out to the moochers today to drink away the guilt but when i do see him next i'm just not going to say anything to him
one of byron's stronger love languages is buying gifts well what remains of the paycheck will all be spent on fun stuff for me
I'm done with my anger now that i've vented here feelings come & go & are very untrustworthy so let me sign off & get in the tub to soak
Listen to the wisdom of those of who have gone before us 
Another monday with needless arguement & byron pushing my buttons make us have an arguement & then he gets to leave & run away some more from his responsibilites 
bragging g-ma here 
Some of daughters psych test study questions 
total MLC confusion here with this answer