I don't think he'd like seeing another man take his place at all.
But, I urge caution with regard to who you tell that he needs to be a man. In my mind, a man is someone who honors his commitment and cares for his family and busts his ass to do whatever it takes to make the sitch/R/M right.
Unfortunately, I have told H on many occasions lately that I wish he would just be a man and do his duty.
Unfortunately, that is probably the single most hurtful thing I could have said to him, and even now, months later, I am paying for it. Even last night, when we were out just having a nice night, he brought it up again.
Maybe it is what your H needs to hear, but somehow, I have a hard time believing that he'll be able to really hear what you are saying and instead, is just going to hear you using words to strip him of his man parts.
I urge caution, then. I agree with you in that he is not being a real man, but I don't know that you need to tell him that. At least, not in so many words.
Again, I wish you the best of luck, and I genuinely hope that today (Easter) is good to you and your family. Kathi
I am just venting here. Mens egos need to be stroked not deflated. (Sorry guys) I also make sure I let him know how much I appreciate the little things he does. Hopefully, he will come to his senses soon. Since Easter represents a day of new beginnings I am really hoping that we can move forward to a new and wonderful R.
The end of another nice, peaceful day. Declined invitations from both sides of the family since H works 6 days a week and because of all the crap going on. Spent a really nice Easter with the kids. They had an egg hunt etc., we just basically hung out. H did a little more painting - work in progress. We also worked on our finances - together. When he went to bed I gave him a hug and he hugged me back, really tight, I kissed him and told him ILY and he said ILY back.
We have started leaving notes for eachother again in the morning (since he leaves before we all wake up); I wrote the following: "Good Morning! Had a really nice, peaceful day! Thank you for showing committment to our family and marriage. I think working through the pain and disappointment and not throwing in the towel is a way to rebuilding our relationship. I really think we are doing the right thing. I hope you have a great day! Love, me
Hope that was ok.....
P.S. When we talked about our finances I presented two options, A - if we stayed together and B - if we split up. H wants to go with plan A and said he is committed to his family. I know he still has contact with OW, but I will let that slide for now and hope that in time and with my DB'ing that R will fall by the wayside.
Hi, don't have much time to post right now but could use some of you wise DB'ers advice. I need help in setting up some goals to see if I/We are moving in the right direction. I do not like living in limbo and I hate how one day I am up and the next day I want to walk away. Thanks.
I'm certainly NOT an expert (just as clueless as the next, I'm afraid), but goals are something I've been working really hard on in the last couple of days.
Maybe you could start by stating very specifically what you want?? Then maybe we can go from there...
Limbo is hard, but from where I am sitting, I don't know if it's the worst place...
Ok, things around here have been fairly pleasant this week. I have initiated a few hugs (and was hugged back) as well as a couple of kisses and ILY's. I REALLY want to have another R talk but I feel that I drive him crazy so I will hold off. Last night he said to me, "Why don't you sleep in our bed?" Huh, I'm thinking to myself, don't you remember you told me a while back that you didn't want to even sleep next to me? This must be a MLC thing, do they say things and then not remember? Anyway, I said maybe I would, so I did. When he left for work he came over and gave me a hug. Baby step?
As far as goals go, my #1 goal would be: I want to know that the OW is out of his life . This is going to be difficult since she is a co-worker. I do know that they talk on the phone at least 2-3 times a week (the last time being last Thursday)
Goal #2: I need to feel like he is really trying to rebuild our R
Goal #3: I want to have open and honest conversations with him This is where I will have to be less defensive as in the past he said he feels like he can't talk to me because I get so upset.
Goal #4: I want passion and intimacy back in our M
These goals seem like my H needs to be the one to do the work. I need to figure out what I can do to get the ball rolling. I don't want to sit here waiting for him to do these things but I also don't want to pressure him. When we don't talk about the OW or the state of our R things are calm but I feel like there is a big pink elephant in the room. If I bring up our R it doesn't always turn out the way I want.
So I guess I answered my own question, I will continue to be positive and supportive and not pushy. I will continue to treat him lovingly but give him space. I will stop putting so much energy into fixing our M and redirect my energy into improving myself. Time will tell...
Quote: I will continue to be positive and supportive and not pushy. I will continue to treat him lovingly but give him space. I will stop putting so much energy into fixing our M and redirect my energy into improving myself. Time will tell...
Right on! Those "goals" seem to really be things you would like to see happen rather than things you can expect to MAKE happen. It's still good to know what signs you need to see in order to feel things are changing. Just be careful not to set expectations or put timelines on these things. Like you said, time WILL tell.
Today is another beautiful day. I took my son and the two kids I babysit to the park for 2 hours and met a friend of mine there with her kids. Didn't think about my H or my situation at all. When I got home I saw that he called. When I called him back he said he just called to say Hi and to see how my day was going (He's thinking about me - baby step!)
Mama I was struck by goal number 1 and your awareness of the last time they talked. I wonder if a good goal for YOU (not H and not R) would be to stop snooping completely on H's contact with OW. I know how difficult this is. Even when I have sworn it off, some random piece of info will hit me over the head because H is sloppy (consciously or subconsiously leaving a trail I think.) But, as far as you can control it, think about a moratorium. You will know when he is done with her, because he will change with you - in particular, goal #2 will come to fruition.
Also, I wanted to point out how great it is that you are enjoying your day at the park with the kids. This is how us Moms GAL, I think. I'm glad you are seeing some ways to do that without leaving your kids and getting a job. Kudos.
Now, as always, I have to offer the disclaimer that I my marriage is in a probably death spiral, so take my advice with a grain of salt...but take the compliments at face value. I think you are doing great. erin
Erin, you are right about the snooping. I will stop for a while and then all of a sudden I see the cell phone sitting on the counter and I just have to know. I really don't know what they are talking so why even check. Right?
I am sorry about your situation and although I don't know nothing about nothing, I would be happy to give you support and encouragement. Where is your thread?
(He's thinking about me - baby step!)