To the brink of Divorce

[ACJ]

I'm not in any way near to piecing my marriage back together. I have come here for some serious advice. For those of you who are not familiar with my sitch a brief synopsis follows:

Me 39
H 41
Married 18 years this year
Kids D16,S13,D10

June 2004 I kicked my H out after a straw that broke the camels back moment. He went to live with his cousin and within 24 hrs I regretted what I had done. He felt relieved. It took him a month to decide to come home but when he did he confessed to having a fling whilst he had been away. I was devastated but knew from the time apart that I loved him more than anything or anyone on earth and so agreed to work on things. We went to MC for 10 weeks which cost us a fortune but at the time we both felt it was worth it. At first it was difficult but I felt we were both working on it. Sex had always been an issue and at first it was a lot better but without realising it things slid back to how they were.
Fast forward to October 2005 I was just beginning to have complete trust in my H again. We went on holiday with the kids and we have always found these very stressful times. By most people's standards it would've been a bad holiday but by ours we had a great time. When we got off the plane H commented how he didn't want to be back but I just put that down to not wanting to go back to work etc etc. Everything was fine for a couple of weeks and then it began.
He was going out and not coming back til 5.20am several times a week and this was not like him. I asked if he was having another A and he said no he just needed his own space. So hard as it was i tried to give it to him but have to admit to loosing it more often than not. Finally I cracked. H teaches a karate class on a Wednesday night. This particular night he came home at 9.45pm and announced he was going to have a shower and then go out again for a drink with some of the guys from his class (he teaches adults). I was very unhappy by this but tried not to cause a fuss. At 6am the following morning he still was not home and I was ringing the hospitals to see if he had had an accident. 6.20am he rolled up in a taxi, very drunk and barely able to walk.
This could get very long so I will skip some detail. Suffice to say that I did not go to work that day. I took kids to school and noticed that in his drunken stupor he had left car keys out on stairs (something that he hadn't done for a while). So i snooped and wasn't prepared for what i found. Wrapped up birthday presents. One was a bottle of champagne, one a box of chocs and I don't know what the other was b/c for some reason i never opened it. This was mid nov 2005 and my birthday is in April! So i confronted him and it turned out this woman was 22 that day!
Again skipping details and moving forward a week. He left saying he wanted a trial separation. 2 weeks later he told me he had stopped seeing her. We spent a very painful xmas day together for the children. In between Xmas and NYear he told me he didn't think he was ever coming back. N Years Eve he told me he wanted to talk about splitting our finances. Mid January i noticed he had taken his wedding ring off. he had done this before but when i mentioned it he always pulled it out of his wallet and put it back on. this time he didn't and still hasn't. Found out a few days later that he was seeing antoher OW who it turns out was 25 on valentines day. She is from Czech republic and shares his passion for karate (which I don't).
Skipping a couple of months he know rarely looks after the children and if he does will not normally stay until I get home from work as he has to get back to her. He moved started staying with her on a more or less permanent basis virtually straight away as far as I can work out although his clothes etc have always remained at BILs.
On Mothers day we had a massive row (only one since he left) about money and he said for the first time that he wanted a D. Two weeks ago she moved to London as this was a planned move before they met. We live 300 miles away in the North of England. He told me several weeks earlier that he plans to continue their R even after she has moved so far away so that will take up all of his weekends. On 28th April he should take possession of a flat that he is buying. It is one bedroomed and his mortgage will be 4 times that of our 3 bedroom house! All he keep saying is that I need to get a full time job b/c he won't be able to afford to pay me anything other than maintenance after that. The weekend she moved to London I found out they were going to Amsterdam for a few days and so we did not see him for over a week until this Monday.
He came then to see the kids and I sat in my room reading a book so that he could have some time with them as it was clear he wasn't going to take them out. At one point he came upstairs and told me that soon we will need to meet to discuss a D. I told him I did not want a D but he said he did. I did all the good DBing things and agreed and validated what he was saying. We won't now see him for at least another week as he has gone back to London to spend Easter with OW.
So after this long preamble comes my question. Have any of you on this forum experienced something similar and if so how did you get back from the brink of D? I'm currently not initiating any contact with H but am responding to the little contact he makes with me b/c I know in general it will be about the kids. I know it is only a few days since he dropped the latest bombshell and i know I am not dealing with it well b/c I am on annual leave from work and so don't have my usual schedule to keep me busy. BIT I am literally going out of my mind with worry. I usually post in newcomers and everyone there has been very supportive but I feel I need the hindsight of people who have been there to help me avoid the pitfalls that must be there. I do not ever want a D and need to learn quickly how to avoid one. Please help me if you can.
Thanks

[StrongEnough]

Hi Alison.........sorry to hear about your story.

I am even more sorry to be the bearer of some "bad news" here. My H "fell in love" and had an A with my friend. After a month or two of him telling me constantly he wanted a D, he did not love me anymore, etc. I filed. We went to court and got our D approved by the judge. As his R with OW slowly fizzled out....he started coming around more. He started lingering when dropping off the kids, emailing me or calling me for "advice" or "someone to talk to". Even called me to be by his side when he tried to commit suicide. Somehow, when I was ready to commit to marrying another man that I had been dating and was in love with, he came running back and had me questioning my feelings, thoughts and intentions.

Long story short...it just gives merit to sometimes a D isn't the end....it's a new beginning. IF you get D'd, just try to look at it as you are d'ing your old life and your old M....and getting a chance at a fresh start with a new you and new life to be happy with. When he sees that, he may then come back as so many WAS's do.

Never give up if it's what you believe in. Go along for the ride and handle it with as much grace, style and flair as you can muster. Watch how much respect your H will eventually give you for it!!!

Hope this helps some.

[ACJ]

SE
Thanks for your reply. you say your H started to come back to you after you found someone else but what you don't say is if you have (will) taken him back or if it is too late b/c you have moved on.
I do sincerely hope that my sitch does not come to a D and then a reconiliation but if that is the way that is has to go then so be it. As you will glean from that last sentence my PMA this week is somewhat higher than last. I've just come back from a fabuolous 'adventure' weekend away. I'm sure that soon real life will kick back in.
I really and truly am here to learn from those who have gone before me so all advice (no matter whether it be good or bad news) is alway very welcome.

[StrongEnough]

Alison- When H came back was on X-mas eve of 2004. On an impulsive (and drunken) move I decided to reconcile. It took me a week to break up with my b/f. To this day, I still have the "what if" the unresolved issues and feelings, etc. I had truly moven on and now H and I are struggling like heck to get back what we once had, I will admit it is NOT easy.

I, too, hope your sitch doesn't come to that. But just wanted to let you know that even if it does.....just mourn the death of a bad marriage and pray for the opportunity to build a better, stronger one.

[ACJ]

SE
thank you for your candidness. My H and I had a small separation about 2 yrs ago and so i know what you mean when you say how hard it is to rebuild your M. I didn't know about this bb then but i sure wish I had. Keep posting I feel i can learn a lot from you.

[StrongEnough]

Anytime Alison. I post in this forum. You can look up my old thread....labeled "Where's my pot of gold". That is a prime example of some of the struggles we have been through. Who am I kidding, we are still struggling.

Although I can't say that I am glad you had a prior seperation, I can say that I am glad you can relate to the difficulties that a couple face when getting back together.

I will gladly share with you anything you would like to know. About when I was seperated, going through the divorce, anything. If you have any specific questions, ask away. I will gladly help when and where I can.

~SE

[ACJ]

SE do you have kids? My H is being a real s**t with mine at the moment and I just wondered if you had any how you dealt with it. thanks

[StrongEnough]

Alison- We do have two kids. When H is being a jerk towards them, I always call him on it. I tell him to cut the crap. However, H has been known to act out when angry so I do it mostly because I don't want the kids seeing him act that way....or being treated like $h!t.

While we were seperated, he asked our D10 (8 at the time) to lie for him and withhold information from me. I got on his butt about that too. No matter what, there is never a good reason to do that to your children. I don't know if any of this answered your question. I guess my point is no matter how good or bad things were between H and I while together or not, I never let him take anything out on the kids if I can help it.

If you have anymore questions or issues.....ask away!

~SE

[ACJ]

Mow I know you have kids I will put you in the picture. 2 days ago h came to see kids for the first time in a week. After we had eaten he sat down to talk to D10 (youngest of 3) she was sulking so he asked her what was up. she said everything. He tried to make light of it but didn't succeed. To cut a long story short he ended up asking her if she was 10 or 11 now!!!!!!!! She said nothing at first and for a few mins H went out of the room. When he came back he asked again what was wrong and this time she let him have it. She said he didn't care about them all he was interested in was his OW (since she moved to London 3 weeks ago my kids have seen him for about 2hrs a week as he has spent all weekends and all bank holidays with her and it is 300 miles away!), she said he spends all his time with OW. H kept trying to interject that this wasn't true but then came the piece de resistance! She said you don't even know how old your own kids are now and then ran out of the room sobbing. I was ironing in the same room at the time and kept quiet while all this was going on. Expecting H to run after her I stayed still for a couple of mins. He then said right I'm going now and off he went. I went looking for D10 expecting to find H with her but sure enough he was getting into his car. I went and asked him if that was how he was going to leave it with her. I didn't catch everything he said just something about 14yrs. that was clearly aimed at me as she is only 10! Then he drove away.
When h first left he was a model dad. He was originally with a 22yr old but is now with a 25yr old. Since moving onto this 2nd OW his R with the kids has gone steadily downhill. My girls are now saying that they don't really want to see him, my son had not said how he feels. I've told them they have to tell thier dad this themselves as otherwise he will think I am stopping them from seeing them. What I want to know is if this is normal behaviour for a MLCer or is he just being a total jerk?
thanks for your help

[StrongEnough]

That's a good question. When H and I were seperated, he kept his obligated time with the kids. I will say that he paid no attention to them when he was with them, he spent his time on the phone with OW. There were some "accidents" with my kids because of his falling asleep during the day.

So, it could be a little of both. If he is in MLC he is going to be a jerk. My H wasn't in MLC but I DO know he put his affair and the OW before anyone or anything else in his life. I think it's the initial "high" and the "Euphoria" of it all.....like a drug they can't get enough of. Maybe that is why your H is on his second OW...chasing his "high"? Just a thought.