Quote: You know, I'm fine with the Direct Talk and Boundary Enforcement, right up until the point that the other person starts defending why they did whatever they did in the first place. Then the people pleaser in me comes *screamin* out and I hear myself start defending them too! Which only gives them reason to doubt the firmness of my boundary and plants the seeds for the next time they'll test it out. Stupid, honey!
I am eminently uncomfortable with other people's discomfort. Never want anyone else to feel bad. Being an opinionated, domineering female this can get hard--don't want to hurt anyone yet I can't keep my mouth shut.
EXACTLY!!!!!! This is me to a T!!!! I hate other people's discomfort, especially if it is perceived that **I** am the one causing it... (i.e., "If you'd just back off your boundary, then I can avoid my OWN pain.)
Seems a little screwy, doesn't it? And what do I do? Well, OF COURSE I'll back off my boundary... I'd hate to ever cause you or anyone pain or discomfort... HERE, let ME hurt FOR you... and in so doing, cripple them (and in the very long run) controll them (and they me) because I never insisted they carry their own [censored]... I set myself up as 'fix it' queen, and create a dynamic I JUST GOT OUT OF.
EWWWHHHHHHHHHHHH. Jesus.
"I am a cement wall, I am a cement wall, I am a cement wall.."
Count me in on that one. I always feel like I start out well and then when the other person defends him/herself I start feeling like "well gee, he/she has a perspective too. who says mine is right?" Then I get all mucked up in trying to fix things. Boundary? What boundary?
Also, one thing that may or may not apply here. If the boundary settings and boundary violations are something which your kid is even remotely aware of (or being made aware of by others), then what are you teaching him? Just a little food for thought, and something that might give you that extra push over the hill of resistance to maintaining your boundary.
You're a good person, Corri. Smart, too. If you've made this boundary, it's right. Forgive yourself for crossing it in the past, but decide it needs to be honored from here on out.
Hairdog, King Of Boundaries (as long as that's okay with you, dear.... )
You know, I'm fine with the Direct Talk and Boundary Enforcement, right up until the point that the other person starts defending why they did whatever they did in the first place. Then the people pleaser in me comes *screamin* out and I hear myself start defending them too! Which only gives them reason to doubt the firmness of my boundary and plants the seeds for the next time they'll test it out.
I totally relate to this as well. Just this morning when my H apologized for something rude he said, I said 'It's ok, I see your point and I understand where you're coming from...' which may be a wonderful thing to say, but my point here is that I barely let him get the apology out because it made me totally uncomfortable that he felt bad.
I continue to be so impressed with you all....listening to the direct way in which you state things CAN make even the hardest things to say sound simple. This stuff isn't simple and so many of you have direct talk and clear communication down very nicely.
Can you say, "You know, I know I've agreed to this in the past but it always ends up with me feeling bad. So from here on, this is how I am going to respond if this situation comes up: xyz. I'm sorry for any confusion."
Well done, particularly to HP who drated that simple but efficient statement!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you may win some false friends and some true friends; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy it overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world your best anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it’s between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.
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