According to DB am I just supposed to accept the fact that he won't admit the A was sexual? He only says it was emotional. And I just go ahead DBing without a confession? He is just lying and I accept that?
Quote: According to DB am I just supposed to accept the fact that he won't admit the A was sexual? He only says it was emotional. And I just go ahead DBing without a confession?
First, hate to meet you like this. Second, by this I guess you have incontrovertible evidence that he is having a PA? As far as DB suggesting you accept him not admitting the PA, well, I don't really remember what it specifically says and I don't have a copy handy but what it does say is that you don't want to focus on the A at all. The A is NOT the problem but a symptom of the overall issues in your marriage. So, to demand or expect a confession is to focus on the A and that takes away energy from what you need to focus on, which is YOU. The more attention you pay to the A and the OW, the more power you give it to influence YOUR state of mind, and trust me, I KNOW it doesn't need any more power than it already has to do that. To "go on DBing" just means that you shift focus from him and the A to you and YOUR well being, life and growth. In those terms, YES, you go on DBing without a confession. If you read the volumes of my sitch, you will see that my W to this day has not admitted a PA yet we are hopefully on the road to reconciliation. The most important thing to me, and DB is that the A needs to eventually stop, and I believe DBing, NOT pressure/demands, is the most effective way I found to affect that outcome in my sitch.
I may be a different kind of person, but I really embraced two things in DB. First, the overwhelming need for personal growth/change. Second, true forgiveness. With those two things leading you in this, you CAN indeed DB without anything more from him. YOU have the power here, not him. DB gives you that.
How are you able to believe your W about anything? (my H has a history of lying to me right from the beginning of our M).
Well, that's a different story. What has he lied about?
I guess I was just talking about the semi-normal sitch around here where an otherwise faithful, honest spouse is caught or admits to cheating. If your H has a history then it complicates things a bit but still doesn't change the fact that a lot of what DB is about is focusing on you and not H or his A.
Maybe you can elaborate on his history and it would help us get a feel for the entire sitch.
You started another thread asking the same question as this one so I took the liberty of replying here. It's usually helpful to just keep things going on one thread. It helps people follow your sitch. It may seem like nobody is responding but give it time, and post a little more info and it will start to happen.
Now, as for your restating of the original question...
Quote: I don't feel I can beging DBing again until my H admits it was sexual not just emotional.
Again, I addressed that idea already. What are your thoughts about what I said?
Quote: I don't think that without the truth, I can ever trust him in the future. How do you begin to heal without the truth. How can you re-build a marriage without trust.
Ok, like I asked before, and you didn't respond to, you have evidence that he is having/had a PA? Do you already know the "truth" and just need him to confirm it? I would suggest that sometimes it's good to be careful with what you think you know.
As for healing without the truth, well, you have to heal yourself first. The "truth" has absolutely nothing to do with YOU and YOUR healing. It may have something to do with the health of the marriage and trusting him but those things are SEPERATE from YOU. Like I said in my first reply to you, if you are focused on the A, or the "truth" as you say, then you aren't focused on you, which is essential if you are to begin healing.
As for rebuilding a marriage, well, I don't think you are at that point yet because you haven't even begun to rebuild yourself yet and a marriage, like a chain, is only as strong as it's parts. Work on you first, then worry about the marriage later. Don't make the mistake of thinking you need the marriage to be worked out, one way or the other, to begin to heal.
