My W has been pretty much in Withdrawal since the first of the year. We had a brief reconcilation attempt around the holidays, at her suggestion. January 1st came and she went. I finally had her convinced to see the doctor again, as she was clearly depressed. The doctor prescribed AD's for her which seemed to make things worse. Around the middle of January we had a meeting and she basically chewed me a new one. I've seen her once, since then, for lunch. She said that she had been diagnosed as Bipolar and had switched meds. I believe the first round of AD's triggered a manic attack, which I witnessed mid January.
Contact, for the most part, has been nonexistent between us and only a little more between her and my S's. My W keeps herself very occupied with work and will meet shortly with my S's but it's been fairly infrequent since January.
Last year, I guess she was still in Replay, we would meet for lunch, dinner, etc. Throughout the second half of the year, she would withdraw, very consistently, after a seemlingly nice time together. At first it was disturbing but I became used to it and assumed that she would withdraw after every meeting. A year ago, at Easter, she invited me and my S's over for an Easter dinner. She ushered me out of her apartment shortly after my S's left. I have heard nothing this year but I suspect that I will not be invited to her apartment if she even decides to prepare an Easter dinner for my S's.
I have thought a lot, over the last few weeks, if she really is or is not going through an MLC. The symptoms for MLC and Bipolar Disorder are, for the most part, identical. At this point, I pretty much believe that she is suffering from both. She has had a definite fixation on aging the last few years. However, I still haven't reconciled in my mind, where the split between the two exists or if there really is one. Are people that may have some level of Bipolar Disorder at a higher risk of MLC than others? Does a change in hormone balance trigger a Bipolar Disorder that before was not present or there but controllable? If Depression and/or Mania is due to a chemical imbalance in the brain, can it be triggered by emotional events or vice versa? Then, is it possible for a person to control Depression or Mania by controlling their attitude? A lot of questions and probably no real answers.
I've already had the "it's nothing to do with you" speech, and the "my life is so screwed up" speech, and the "I've done everything wrong" speech from him. And he always cries on the phone, except when he's major PB. then he sounds chipper
FO, I've heard those same things from my H. Not sure about the crying; I have heard/seen him semi-cry twice but both times were because he was very upset about things w/ow not going well. I don't know how upset he finds himself when he's alone at his place.
BetterDays, I'm really glad you shared this. I wish that someone could post and explain the differences between BP and MLC for you. she would withdraw, very consistently, after a seemlingly nice time together. At first it was disturbing but I became used to it and assumed that she would withdraw after every meeting I read more and more of this going on. I would take this SO personally when it would happen to me. After a great interaction, he'd not call for days or stop by and I would ask myself WHAT did I do wrong that drove him away again? You don't know the guilt I would feel over this; I made myself sick. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure that the next interaction, I wouldn't screw up, but sure enough he would pull away once more and I would be blaming myself. I see now that this is just how it is for them. It's nothing I did or that any of us did. It's the cycle.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: FO, I've heard those same things from my H.
HopeFloats,
It used to make me think that maybe he was finally looking at himself. I'm not that optimistic any more. Now I think he was just babbling to me or to himself.
Like my 1-year old nephew talks to his toes!
It was weird though. I think the big bomb came really late in the situation for us. And he's so depressed, but I don't know if it's THE depression or just another wave of the regular depression.
Couldn't guess, but I'd like to hope it's a sign of forward movement. Not that anything can be based on that.
Hi. I haven't posted in a long while, but I find this thread very interesting. I had hoped I'd have more wisdom to impart, but it seems now that I'm not where I thought I was.
I was sure my H had hit depression and withdrawal earlier this year. I saw a marked depression - much more intense than any other time since he left last year. Pretty soon I stopped getting contacts from him. This lasted for about 2 months where I basically got 2 or 3 phone messages from him and that's it. I was feeling pretty good because I had figured he was going through the process. One day out of the blue he contacted me and told me he wanted to work on us. It Shocked the hell out of me. Finally, I thought, he's going into acceptance.
He was very nice and called daily for a few weeks then his attitude changed. He stopped bringing up getting back together and just from his voice I didn't feel like he wanted to anymore. It's been over a month since then and though I hear from him more than before, it is not the same. So while I thought he went through the steps, maybe he hasn't? It seemed so clear at the time - such marked changes between stages, but now I'm not so sure. Perhaps this is cycling now, or perhaps this is the revisiting of the steps in acceptance, or perhaps this is still replay. I have no idea.
So while it may seem like you can tell where they are, I guess you really can't. Too bad we all can't get a timeline and calendar so we can stop all this guessing! I suppose this should give us more incentive to get on with our own lives and stop living through our spouses. Now, how do I do that? LOL!
I have nothing to add of insight. I find this thread insightful. Like most here, the likely stage is replay for my H too. I learned this weekend that he has started to drink, don't know how much, but He's going far from home to hang out at "dives." Whatever, he's re-connecting with his father. OW loves my H, he doesn't love her, I actually feel a bit sorry for her. I know little about her, don't ask and don't snoop. I saw this quote from Snooderly here which made me laugh
Quote: The ow doesn't care how he behaves just as long as the money is coming in and she has a place to stay. She wants financial support and a fun time.
It is pretty much the same thing that I have seen in so many other places. I know that every sitch is different, but OW is financially taking care of my H. She may not even realize it yet, who knows, but the his cell is on her acct, he bought a computer, which she financed, I bet she co-signed other loans too. I hope that she is taking care of herself, b/c I am not going to be saving either of finacially.
My H's OW is not in it for the money with H either. H is broke, and even if he had it, I don't think he would spend it on her. Their R isn't in the real world yet. As far as I know they don't go out at all, and that will get old with her. What's the fun of a new boyfriend when he is fifteen years older, has no money, and won't be seen in public with you?
Quote: My H's OW is not in it for the money with H either. H is broke, and even if he had it, I don't think he would spend it on her. Their R isn't in the real world yet. As far as I know they don't go out at all, and that will get old with her. What's the fun of a new boyfriend when he is fifteen years older, has no money, and won't be seen in public with you?
You have discribed my situation exactly except he is 20 yrs older. I don't get it either.
I'm sorry newlyhopeful. My H hasn't been in this R with OW for too long. Five months off and on? I have read that most A don't last more than 6 months, hopefully the nail in the coffin will be the fact H doesn't intend to file for D until at least July. I think H is just basically waiting for OW to break things off with him.
I don't understand H, but I understand OW even less.
My H has been involved with OW since at least Jan 05. He got an apartment and she moved in right after he left home. The weird thing lately is I know he still has the apartment because he goes there some although she is never seen there. They are sleeping at his shop which only has a toilet no sink or shower at least it didn't have. I also think he may be trying to get her to break it off with him. If not I don't know what it could be.
I don't understand how a 21 yr old girl would stay in this kind of situation. Looks like to me she would want more. She gets off work, goes straight there and still hides her car. It boggles my mind.
I'm lucky, they aren't living together yet, and he only spends two nights a week at her place. I know they aren't together on the weekends, so why a 27 year old would want that for herself is mind boggling. I know at 27, I wouldn't have settled for a M man, she must have some major self-esteem issues, especially since H has said she worships the ground he walks on.
