Cemar, You will have to ask her to stop saying, Let's take care of you.
She doesn't know that you don't like it. She doesn't know a LOT about your true sexual self but that doesn't make her a bad person, just blind.
I would look at it like this: Perhaps she views you as extremely inconsiderate for leaving your ice cream dish on the coffee table, instead of in the dishwasher. She *could* take it as a personal attack on her, or she could say, Dang that Cemar when is he gonna remember to put in in the dishwasher?? and try various tactics until something clicks with you.
How would you like her to respond to you? With resentment or with clear, direct language? Most men I know want to be told exactly what to do and when to do it--even if they are not necessarily planning on following through with it. Women are the same. You must plan, sometime, on telling her what you like and dislike about your sex life and then plan on doing it again. You will have to get past your own conflict avoidance in order to make progress. As obvious as it is to HD people like myself and you, it ISN'T obvious to her that you don't find it sexy to hear "let's take care of you". In fact, I'd avoid the whole Make Her Toes Curl part of ML altogether for a while. I know you enjoy it, blah blah, but it's not contributing to the progress so why keep doing it? It's causing resentment so maybe you could eliminate it for a while? Of course, the best scenario would be to eliminate it and find a way to *lovingly* tell her why this is.
I truly feel for you, I really do. However, no one can read minds. Human nature is a weird thing and talking to your wife one time 2 years ago is not going to cut it. You've got to plan on doing this often--the results are worth it. If for NOTHING else than you will be able to hold your head high, as a man who is true to himself and who he is.
I agree with what you said about maybe not being as sensitive to CeMar as we would be others. I myself though my reply was short was just trying to assure him that this could be normal and not a slight towards him. Though do to the state of his sex life he may be taking it as such,
The now lets take care of you statement. I guess tone fluction and apparent mood would indicate if she is seeing this as a chore or more a statement of now its your turn to have a O and just not conveying it well in her words.
The covering up and distance she is putting between her and CeMar after the fact to me is a definate sign of her withdrowing from him which leads me to believe there is a larger problem and the EC is not there in the bedroom for Mrs CeMar. I myself have been guilty of these same actions. The hardest part is CeMar does not open up about other aspects of his marriage so what can a person say to offer insight into the whys and whats and is it possible that this might make her feel like that.
I do agree that Cemar is the best judge of his wife's intentions (other than his wife). However, I have to state for the record that I actually frequently sleep in an adult size blanket sleeper just like toddlers wear and I never like to sleep completely nude because my breasts seem to get in my way too much if not confined.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
RE CeMar After having sex, my wife ALWAYS gets up and goes to the bathroom. Same here. BB has to. Lots of women have to. Yes “have to”
If BB does not pee after sex there is a 20% chance she might get a urinary tract infection referred to as a UTI. The results of not peeing is a UTI and when you have one of those puppies peeing is like squeezing out mini-razor blades. Women should also do other things different than most men.
I spent almost a month gathering information about UTI’s, condensed the material so BB would read what I gathered, and bought and read 2 books.
I always shower before sex so I lessen the chance of BB getting a UTI. I wish she would but brick wall there. KWIM. I think you deal with that brick wall too.
I refuse to have sex with BB unless she uses a baby wipe on her vaginal area before sex. Pees with in 5 minuets after sex and like I said, I have to be washed off before. No excuses, no exceptions. I am not going to give BB any amo for her case against sex! Use a lube if you need. BB tried to dodge the sex because the wipes dried her out, So use lube!
or is there some kind of aversion to having the mess of sex It could be. Some people are icky factor types.
I am fixed so there is not that much mess Sperm blockage and ejaculate fluid are two different things. Lots of fluid is not associated with getting fixed. I have less fluid and I am not fixed. Less fluid for me is due to aging and prostate function.
wonder if she doesn't go in there to pee and use her kegel exercises to push things out. If she wants it out, that is her choice. Everyone has an icky limit.
I can imagine you would feel more accepted if she was not a fluid phobic. Try to not take her pushing things out as if there is something wrong with you. I know, tough to do.
really dislikes leakage, and after we are done, Yes some people, men and women don’t like that wet feeling. BB is one of them.
FarAway When I was in school, sex ed taught to go to the bathroom when you finished with sex. School, US Army, and all over the inter-net on health forums. Men and women should pee.
An Army health film on VD/STD about cat houses in Korea SE Asia, where mama sons (monthly shack ups sex trade females) were a problem said to use condoms and wash every time. If you did not use a condom WASH and Wash again and both M & FM pee before and after sex. (1965) No I never had the opportunity or indulged if you are wondering.
GEL Some people are very vigilant hygienically (my H is this way too). First time BB and I were sexual I was like GEL’s H. I did not want to dribble on BB anymore than I had. I thought she would like my stickiness on her in anymore places. And who likes to lay in the wet spot?
#1121895 - 04/07/06 06:28 Good post GEL
NHTom Urinating after sex is also a way to clean out the urethra and so prevent the chance of a urinary infection. Not everyone needs to do this, but some people suffer terribly if they don't. Right on. And some people can do anal L, vaginal, and oral and not get infected.
There are different good and bacteria in each location.
Cemar I am seriously thinking that the next time we have sex and I bring her to orgasm orally, that I will NOT have sex with her when she says "OK, Let's Take Care Of You". I may just tell her thanks, but no thanks. Just my opinion CeMar, that sounds like game playing. If you want to not go there for yourself skip the Oral for her. JMOP.
There are many nights where I give my wife a rub down, mostly her legs and lower back. She likes this because it relaxes her. One problem with this is that the techniques that can arouse her are also the same techniques that can put her to sleep, so it is a real fine line to too Same here but some times I plow through BB’s sleep. Funny thing she wakes up after we/I boink, BB wants more in the back rub area. My case is different.
The Eskimo gear is intended to keep ME away (and I suspect that many women do this Could be but maybe not., maybe she feels something else. You are there and know more than I do.
Lil BUT he is the authority on what is going on in his marriage. Cemar Lil’s words are wise.
What I have done some times is do the back rubs, feel rejected because BB is un co-operative but go ahead with the sex anyway. Sure, I fail and when I fail the sex gets worse over the long haul. Sometimes I just have to stand up for what I want and if I think I am mostly right, I go for it. The results are not what I want but the alternative is less satisfying. Two choice dilemma, yes.
Believe it or not, I do have a very tenderr spot, saved epecially for you, dear sweet man.
And I say this because every now and then, you shock the he!! out of me, and that is not an easy thing to do. I also say it, because, on occassion, you GET exactly what it is I am saying.
I will offer up to you my opinion. It is not a slam against you... it is my opinion only.
I think, you, of any HD on this board, have more opportunity to save his marriage than anyone. And I say that because you have stated, and continue to state, that you're wife will have sex with you whenever you desire... you just don't desire it with a woman who does not WANT you in the way you need to be wanted.
Based on your posts, and how long the two of us have been here... I will state with relative confidence.... that your wife has no idea she is not meeting your needs to the degree which you state here that you desire.
I think YOU, if you so decided, could turn your sex life around in a heart beat. I think you could have your wife back... the HD wife of whom you speak.
If you would like to discuss, I'd be happy to... but it might require you to open up a bit to me... so if you don't think you can... it's cool. I repsect that. But being a former LD lady myself, and what you have most recently described... well.... I just think you have more hope than you might think.
Cemar, I love sex and don't have a problem with semen at all. But I also get up and use the bathroom after sex. My doctor told me once always to do this after sex to avoid urinary tract infections and yeast infections.
Also one thing I picked up on is your wife will roll over and say, "Let's take care of you." That is AWESOME that she will say this I think. It shows she does want to take care of you. Let's face it she could roll over and not say anything at all. She could care less about your needs at all. But she says lets take care of you. I think you are taking this statement way to negative. Because let me tell ya I am a HD woman and I have said this to my husband also. What I mean by it is I would really like to take care of him.
It sounds like you believe it's possible that CeMar's wife, when she says "Now, let's take care of you," doesn't mean it the way he's taking it. Could this be the first time a married couple misunderstood each other? (light sarcasm )
You're right in that it could be a nice thing to say - depending upon HOW it's said. Spoken another way, it can be downright condescending. When H says something to W that he thinks is sweet I've seen many cases where she's "taken it the wrong way."
Getting up immediately to clean up: It's all in the style. Once again, there could be a disconnect in communication in that she doesn't mean to give that impression. Then again, how many times has a man been skewered for giving the wrong impression?
Apparently, Cemar has an ideal of how he'd like sex. It involves giving and taking and graciousness. Afterward it involves afterglow w/ naked snuggling. I think his point is that she could get up graciously, clean up in just a couple of minutes and return naked to savor their shared experience. After twenty minutes she could put on a parka if she wanted to. But, he wants his twenty minutes. Are there any women who feel the way he does?
Nobody gets the sex s/he wants, when s/he wants it and how s/he wants it every time. But, just once in a while, snuggle for a while as though it meant something.
Cemar, your problem is you've connected emotion with sex. Learn to be a selfish brute. Do her then roll over like you've already left a $50 on the nightstand.
I don't really mean all of that. But, then again, not every woman wants a sensitive guy.
I think Corri has a valid point here. Like Lil said I believe that your descriptions of your wife's distancing are valid and I believe that she isn't invested in your SL the way you need. However, the limitations you place on yourself on this board are part of the problem. No one is able to really help you because you don't open up enough. That is your choice. I also believe that you aren't open at home. If that is the case then your W is aware that you want more sex but not of why or who you are inside. Why would she desire the outside shell of you? You don't desire the outside shell of her - the one who says "Let's take care of you now." In another R, with another couple that could even be said in an enticing, sexy way but in yours, you and W are hidden from one another between layers of Eskimo gear, unsaid things and when that is the case then nothing is enticing. So..it is up to you but I'll bet if you open up to Corri and others you will see improvement.
Speaking for myself, much of the time, I really do feel the need to pee following an orgasm. Nothing about ick factor. Especially following certain positions where there may be pressure on my bladder. I am also **warning: TMI ahead** one that releases alot of fluid following an O & it will wet the sheets & leave me feeling funny as it runs between my legs & down the crack, lol... So, she may be embarrassed. Perhaps offering to get up & get a warm cloth that you have ready ahead of time would help. Or tell her your thoughts in a loving way that would suggest that you love to be near her so much after S that you would love it if she put off clean up a few minutes, you just want to snuggle. Maybe she doesn't find the moisture sexy, or the feeling of having to pee is strong for her after O and she is too embarrassed to mention it. Let her know that it doesn't turn you off (the wetness if that is the issue). She doesn't know what you want unless you ask for it & it makes no sense to try to read her mind when there is aboslutely NO way for you to know why she is doing it unless she tells you the reason/s. She is the one you should be asking, in a non-critical way.
FWIW, It is also recommended that women pee within a few minutes of having sex to eliminate the chance of getting an infection.
As far as returning in pj's, if it is the pjs you don't like, perhaps try buying her some sexier ones that you have laying out for her in the bathroom when she is cleaning up. When she gets up to go clean up, say "honey, i bought you a little something that you can slip into, if you want to..." Then compliment her on it when she wears it into the room. I am not talking about little lingerie, but maybe a satiny cami set, or Victoria's top & short set or a little lace & satin gown. Maybe she is feeling funny about her body.
)
lol... So, she may be embarrassed. Perhaps offering to get up & get a warm cloth that you have ready ahead of time would help. Or tell her your thoughts in a loving way that would suggest that you love to be near her so much after S that you would love it if she put off clean up a few minutes, you just want to snuggle. Maybe she doesn't find the moisture sexy, or the feeling of having to pee is strong for her after O and she is too embarrassed to mention it. Let her know that it doesn't turn you off (the wetness if that is the issue). She doesn't know what you want unless you ask for it & it makes no sense to try to read her mind when there is aboslutely NO way for you to know why she is doing it unless she tells you the reason/s. She is the one you should be asking, in a non-critical way.