First I want to thank everyone for all of their advice and support. I would be lost wthout this board and the people here. A special thanks to grasshopper who seems to always extend great advice to everyone no matter what is going on his life...thank you. And also to preserve, your last post gave me the kick in the pants I needed, it summed up what we should all be doing in one great post...thank you.
Now today I started over. She dropped my daughter off on her way to work and I spoke to her just breifly. I told her that I had been acting selfishly lately and that I'm sorry. We have been fighting about the house and who was going to be living in it, I had told her she had XXX amount of time to be out. That was really just a reaction to moving back into my parents...a place a really don't want to be...at least not live there. Anyway, I was very apologetic and told her to take her time, if snow flies and she still can't be out then that's okay. She seemed very shocked because I was nice, smiley and pleasant. Joking she asked if i had gotten laid, I said no that it just felt good to do the right thing. She left and over all I think it was a pleasant exchange. I did tell her that I'm afraid that she won't be able to afford to be on her own...realistically there is no way she can do it. So I'm just going to sit back, help her as much as I can and hope that it all works out for the best.
Thank you all again for all of your advice. This site really does help to keep things in perspective.
Nothing of significance has happen since our brief talk yesterday. Now I'm actually taking steps to "psyche" myself up to see her. By that I mean telling myself the right things to do and say. Be happy, give her what she wants (within reason), and don't introduce anything negative. And above all else hold no expectations of her or the conversation.
My W recently told me that she didn't really believe that I would be faithful to her if I was given the chance to stray. She said that I probably just haven't had an opportunity yet. So anyway, I did go out with a girl a few times last week, nothing big really just shooting pool and having a couple drinks. This girl knows my situuation and I've been very open with her about not getting into a realtionship, she is actually trying to get over a recent engaement herself. So at least as far as I'm concerned this isn't going to be anything but friends.
THe point is I mentioned it to my wife a few days ago and she just blew it off. I just wantde to show her that if I wanted someone else I could. Now today she called me while traveling from one job to another, she talked about a few things and then at the end she asked if I "was going to see that girl again". I told her I don't know, but I didn't really want to discuss it with her. she said oh, I was just trying to talk.
I think the question was sparked by my not being here when she picked the kids up last night. I went with my buddy to help him move something and didn't tell her exactly what I was doing, just that my parents had the kids and I'd see here today.
For what it's worth, your post just sent up a Red Flag for me. You are in no emotional position (none of us are) to be hanging out with a member of the opposite sex bemoaning our R's. Hell, that's what started my H's A, so I am sensitive to people doing that.
As far as your particular situation, I think it seems like a 'jealousy card' you are trying to play on your W ('got any hot dates? Go fish'). That is not what DBing is about, if I understand it correctly. It's not a trumping game of Who Can Care Less; it's real life changes for the betterment of YOU and then ultimately your R.
Not to be harsh, so please don't take it that way. I just tend to step in the middle of things here and speak my mind.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Maybe I sent the wrong message here. I unsderstand completely that I am in no shape to be in any type of relationship or to be airing my dirty laudry to some other woman. I know that's not fair to her, me or most important my family. There is no chance of this becoming any type of affair. She is someone that I can hang out with...period. I have no attraction to this person period.
Would I like it if my wife showed a bit of jealousy? Absolutely. Does she need to know that I would never persue a relationship with this person...I don't think so.
I don't know your sitch. I am guessing you are a LBS and your W is a WAW who had an A.
If you have never had an A, I don't see a problem with being mysterious. I also think there is someplace that Michelle recommends a little jealousy.
The jealousy makes a WA rethink their position -- it a just a little shock to the system -- a tiny taste of the huge awakening that comes with the bomb.
But, don't fool yourself about what is going on with this woman you have been seeing. If there is any chance that it feels like a date on either side, I'd suggest you stop it. If you are playing host, buying meals and drinks, etc., then it is a date.
P.S. If, in fact, I am right that you are an LBS with a WAW having an A, remember -- she is the one who needs to be open with you. Right now is not a time for you to be an open book while she carries on a secret life.
I completely (completely!) understand the desire for some jealousy from your W. I want some too. And I don't think my H was initially attracted to OW (friends for YEARS). Remember, the more you know/like someone, the more attractive they become. Just a thought, not trying to scold.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
