Ok, it’s been forever since I posted and I guess mainly its simply because there have been no new or recent noteworthy developments of interest. Like many others here, I feel that things have sort of entered a limbo land where the only thing that I can be sure of is that nothing is clear. Looking back over the past six months (sheesh, its been that long), there has been so much pain, rejection, etc., and while things have more or less stabilized, I wonder to what extent that pain has caused some major relationship damage on my part. While I don’t verbalize a lot of what I am feeling to my W (simply because it really doesn’t matter), I continually wonder if there will be a day when things can ever become better. In terms of better, I mean relationship-wise. Relatively speaking, things are better today than they were 5 months ago, but its as though we’ve reached a stalemate in terms of building the relationship.
There are so many things that go through my mind on a daily basis. Chief among them is to what extent my W will ever get over her feelings for OM, especially since they still have daily contact with each other at work. As far as I know, there isn’t any contact outside of work, but who knows. I could drive myself crazy trying to figure this one out, as I’ve done in the past, but honestly, what’s the point. The fact is, they will always have that time at work and those feelings will keep re-surfacing regardless of what I’m doing. For so many reasons, I keep thinking that the only way to get any type of closure on this issue is to deploy some sort of drastic measures (although I must confess, I don’t think I’m prepared for that, just yet), because it seems to me that will be the only way to break the stalemate we are currently in.
I guess it’s the stalemate that’s driving me insane. It seems as though we’ve reached a certain level in our R at this point where we can actually co-exist, but underneath the surface there are still so many things that need to be addressed, but there is no incentive on her part to even begin to address them. She has acknowledged that things are pretty messed up, but yet she takes no action to correct them. After a while, I get pretty fed up with just existing in a relationship rather than fostering a loving, healthy relationship. The point is, that only matters to me right now. Not her.
So, that’s it in a nutshell. I live day by day, she continues to live day by day. We live under the same roof, we take care of our girls and we both work. It really is a case of SSDD, day in and day out.
Sorry for the rant, and honestly, while these are a lot of my inner thoughts, I don’t let them get me down on a consistent basis. For what its worth, I have been more upbeat lately and have been able to focus on more than just the R and my W. Perhaps another read of DR is in order just so I can refocus my efforts.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I am not up to date on your situation, but 6 months is not a long time. I was separated for a year (my H had a 1 1/2 year affair with someone 20 years younger). My H never gave up on reconciling and you know what, I'm glad he didn't. He kept inviting me to go places with him and I kept going. We faught a lot, which we never did before the A, but he was persistent in reconcillation. We went to counseling for a year, and we "dated" during this time. I just did move back home and we're doing great. I guess the moral of this story is don't give up. Couple of questions...
1) What do you and your W do for fun - together? 2) What brought you and her together in the first place?
I think you may be in "rut". Partly because of the infidelity, partly because you both are feeling empty. The two of you need to reconnect. Find somewhere that you can go as a couple. Something that you both would enjoy. And without being pushy - be spontaneous and romantic. Put your best foot forward, I believe that she will respond favorably. You don't have to just "co-exist". You can enjoy your M. Think of the things that made you fall in love with each other and bring it back home where it belongs.
Thank you so much for your positive reply....once I find the links to my sitch I'll put them here....they're buried in here somewhere, lol.
You raise some good points and I guess once I'm honest with myself, six months isn't a lifetime. Of course, when one is going through the sitch, it seems forever.
To her credit, I have to believe that my W is committed to our marriage. At the very least, she is sticking by and from what I can gather, the A has lost some of its steam. Yes, patience is key and I keep telling myself that.
As for your specific questions, with three small children and my W's work schedule (she works overnights) its hard to actually do "fun" things together, but I do try to schedule times during the weekends when we can do family things together. Just recently, I surprised my W with tickets to a concert in Philadelphia for an artist that she absolutely loves, made arrangements for childcare and booked a hotel. We had a blast. Of course, we can't do such things every weekend. On our "off" weekends, we typically catch up on tv shows that we like and catch up on work around the house.
The point is, I have identified that we need to add some "excitement and adventure" to our R and I actively try to come up with things for us to do to have fun to fill that void.
Thanks again for checking in!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I guess we both disappeared for awhile! Good to have you back!
Wish you had a success story, yet it could be far worse!
I believe you are in a rut! For me to get out of the rut took drastic "negative" actions...meaning pushing for a D! For you get out of the rut can be fun and exciting. I think we have talked about this before...set up date nite without the kids.....plan a weekend every month that you get away together....just spend time alone together but in different settings than you are used to!
You are still doing great! Keep it up!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Its really good to have you back Tim, especially given that your sitch has really taken a positive turn. Your story is particularly interesting becuase I think it shows how powerful detachment can be. When you were emotionally attached to your W's actions/feelings, we could really see the struggle you were in. I think, as GH pointed out, your name became an adjective for what not to do! lol. But the results of really focusing on yourself and detaching from the sitch are very evident. I'm so happy for you.
As for my sitch, yes, I agree. We are in a rut so to speak and one of my goals is to get "together" time more often and do some things we never had the opportunity to do. Interstingly, we have been doing this more in the past two years than we ever had in the first several years of our marriage.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
LOL - I've read this before....I often wonder how to determine whether SO is in early MLC (he's 33) or if he's simply a WA? He fits categories of both!
Quote: Mass confusion and Indecision
This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.
LMAO - This one really hits home for me today!!
Hope you have a nice weekend...dreary as it may be for some of us!
