W31, OM20, part II

[RBinBR]

Well, in a few hours I'll be out on the road for a couple of weeks. The best part is that I don't even know where I'm going yet! My tentative plan is to be gone for a week and call next Wednesday to see how everything's going and figure out if I should stay away another week (which I expect to). In the meantime, I'm going to talk to no one, unless somebody dies or is about to die. It's going to just be me and God somewhere. Needless to say, I don't expect to post for a while.

[RBinBR]

Well, here I am posting after all! I'm now in a place with internet access and I thought I'd say hi.

I just spent two days on the beach in Grand Isle, LA and got myself a little tan. I managed to burn the tops of my feet fairly well -- didn't put sunblock there, I guess.

Anyway, I feel pretty good. Two days of complete separation plus some ocean waves have definitely helped with PMA and detachment.

I got some peace on how to handle some things (boundaries for if and when W is ready to reestablish a R). I also got convicted to go visit my mother, whom I have seen only once, briefly, in the last six years (at my grandfather's funeral). She basically disowned me when I got married, but I've decided that it's time to discuss some things with her. I don't expect a pleasant conversation but there are some things I need to say. I'm planning to go on Tuesday, so I'll let you know what happens.

While I was down in Grand Isle, I actually saw an old flame, but I didn't take my sunglasses off and I don't think she recognized me. I got away from her as soon as I could. It's weird, but I'm now much more determined to be faithful to my W than I ever was before, and I'm now taking the Bible seriously when it says to flee temptation. I'll open myself up for other women if and only if there is a D and it becomes final. Until then, I'm going to keep my heart pure.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi RB,

I am also away on a trip, and couldn't stay away. Glad to see you have checked in, and are doing well. A little fresh air and sunshine can do wonders for one's perspective. I wanted to acknowledge you for deciding to clear up lingering issues with your mother. I believe that having a clearing with one's mother helps a man be clearer in his relationships with the other important women in his life. It could be that if you are present to the fact that your mother's rejection is not about you (and actually has nothing to do with you), that it will help you clear the space even further for reconcilliation with your wife. I wish you all the best in that exploration, as I know from experience that these things are not always easy.

I also really appreciated what you said:

It's weird, but I'm now much more determined to be faithful to my W than I ever was before

I am 100% with you on this. I was surprised how initially I was freaked about being alone, and I even felt sexually "hungry" as soon as I found out about my H's affair. I met a man within a month (who was actually playing the part of my H in a film my daughter was directing!) and he was really attractive to me. I got clearly and immediately that the outcome of my marriage is up to me. I am committed to my marriage and have found additional strength in realizing that there are 1000 + choices out there, but I only have one H and one marriage. I will do NOTHING that will jeopardize that now, if I can help it. I have already seen enough of what I did do to get us here, and have enough work to do on myself in addressing my behaviors, I don't need to add any more mud to the mix.

I wish you safe travels and will look forward to further updates. Take good care of your self!

[Becca1975]

RB, our fellow poster, Bruce, introduced me to a concept known as the Power of Discernment. One one article that I read, an example was given that a temptation would be placed in our paths and it was up to us to know, or discern, that if we did not take the temptation, something much better was around the corner. I'll have to find the article he sent me and post it for you. That is what I immediately thought of when I read this.

[Becca1975]

The Benefit of Discernment
Colossians 1:9-12

Have you ever tuned in to a favorite radio station only to hear soft static over the music? If you twist the dial slightly, you can often get clear reception. The Christian life works much the same way. We sometimes make decisions or pursue a particular path while experiencing a vague yet nagging sense that all is not well. I call this “spiritual static.” It occurs when a believer is lacking the godly discernment necessary to make wise choices.
Most Christians are not surprised that God wants them to know the difference between truth and error; however, many have not considered that He also equips His children to choose between what is good and what is best. In an effort to thwart God's plan, Satan will reveal something good to us just before the Lord sends His best into our lives. All too often, we jump at the first and miss the latter. But those believers who cultivate spiritual discernment recognize the Holy Spirit's warning to wait--such “static” says an opportunity might look excellent, but it's not right. God's will is not always logical according to human standards.
Prayerful, scripturally grounded believers seeking spiritual discernment will let the good opportunity pass and continue to wait on the best. They will pray and trust--adjusting the dial, so to speak, until their heart is clearly receiving God's assurance to move forward. Life is full of uncertainty and doubt, but our relationship with the Father does not need to be. He offers spiritual discernment to all who seek His will.

[RBinBR]

Thanks, PL and Becca. I really appreciate both of your posts.

I've previously mentioned my problem with pornography on this board, how it took my W's affair for me to confront and defeat that addiction, how I've since started a support group at my church for men with sexual addictions, and how I'm now planning to engage in a prison ministry to help men there.

Well, I just finished reading the book Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Dr. Mark Laaser, and it's not like a light bulb came on over my head ... it's more like a bank of floodlights came on. It was like he knew my exact story in describing how a person's childhood can lead to sexual addiction.

I should start by explaining that my parents have had separate bedrooms since before 1984, which was my mother's decision. She home-schooled me from the time I was 12, which is also when we moved to my grandparents' farm here in Louisiana. Since I was on a farm, in a home school, I had almost no interaction with other kids all my teenage years.

My mother would consistently start arguments with my father, which she would use to put him down and demean him sarcastically. She would recruit me to her side in these arguments, so we usually ended up ganging up on my dad (whose arguments, to be fair, usually didn't make much sense).

As a result, my father abandoned me emotionally -- though that was something that was largely going on before this, as he was in the Navy and didn't seem to enjoy spending time with me even when he wasn't at sea. I never really could talk to him about anything except sports or the weather.

Laaser describes what my mother did as "emotional incest," and I believe he is correct. She basically didn't have a relationship with my father, so I was a substitute husband for her emotionally. Because I was denied the opportunity for other relationships, my mother was all I had, so her approval and affection were crucial to my emotional well-being.

That approval, though, always had to be earned. I got it when I got good grades and did things to please her. If she disapproved of something I did, she would sulk and shun me until I apologized and promised to do better. (That dynamic reached its conclusion with my marriage and her rejection of me.)

It should be obvious by now that this was not the ideal upbringing to prepare me for a successful marriage. I had started on the path to addiction when I was 12, and from then on I would MB at least once a day. The women in my fantasies gave me the admiration and unconditional love and affection that I needed.

I never really developed many close friendships with other guys, so my marriage became the only relationship to satisfy my emotional needs. When that burden is placed on one relationship, it is bound to have problems.

Not only that, but I treated my wife in much the same way that my mother treated my father (after all, she trained me to). I would put down my wife and sarcastically demean her in arguments. Because my mother controlled and manipulated me, I would see ordinary things that my wife did as controlling and get angry.

Because I had learned to please my mother to get affection and admiration, I always worked very hard to please my wife. She, however, didn't know what I needed and was frustrated by my failure to let her take care of my needs. This was true in other areas of our relationship as well, but it was especially true sexually.

Because she didn't understand my needs and couldn't have repaired the damage from my childhood if she tried, my relationship with my wife never satisfied me. I would depend on porn for the fantasies to try to get the admiration and affection I needed. (Actually, I didn't use what society calls porn, because I didn't need to see everything for my fantasies, and using lingerie or swimsuit models made me feel less guilty.)

It's only since my W left that I've developed a close friendships with other men (one friend in particular from my group), and I've learned to depend more on my relationship with Christ to fulfill my emotional needs.

I've said several times that this journey of self-discovery (that began last fall with my W's confession) is something that I would never take back. Much of what I wrote above is stuff that I have learned gradually since last October, but Laaser's book has now enabled me to see the whole picture and specifically helped me connect my childhood to the present and the problems in my marriage.

It's really amazing ... each time that I think I'm really ready for my W to come back to me and reconcile, God has revealed more to me and paid big dividends for my patience.

This is truly a radical change, but for right now, I don't want my W in any kind of relationship -- at least until I figure out who I am. I've spent my whole life trying to please my mother and then my wife (largely unsuccessfully, in the latter case) in exchange for their affection and approval that I'm really wondering what I'm like apart from that. I mean, if I picked out a movie for my W and I to enjoy, I needed her to like it so that I could feel good about my reading reviews and making the best decision -- her approval was that critical.

I plan to lovingly confront my mother about my upbringing. She was emotionally and physically abused as a child as well, and I know that she did the best she could in many ways, but I need some closure on these things to move forward in my life. So, we'll see what happens on Tuesday.

[RBinBR]

Well, I thought Easter would get to her. W called tonight, and I didn't answer. She left an emotional message. First, she thanked me for the Easter card and gift. (I gave her the Narnia movie -- she'll like watching it with D, and I like the message of the kid betraying his family and repenting and finding forgiveness. )

She also told me to pray for her, because OM "won't listen to her anymore" and she doesn't know what to do. Unfortunately, I really don't know what that means. I think it means that OM will no longer accept her saying that their R was wrong and that they don't need to be together. So what does THAT mean? I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm not getting involved in that anymore. Since I had to swing by the house to drop off the tax forms for her to sign (yes, I did put it off until the last day), I also enclosed a note reminding her that I can't help her anymore with OM, and that if she needs help, she can get it from God, her friends and family, our pastor, and the C that we were going to (she knows that I will pay for her to go).

I also told her that I had been doing some soul-searching and was dealing of things of my own right now, including an upcoming visit to my mother. Since I didn't tell her what about, my W is going to drive herself bonkers with the mystery of what I am doing, visiting my mother for the first time in six years.

Anyway, as I said in the last post, I really don't want a R with W right this minute. I want to spend a little time getting to know myself.

When I quit the porn in January, I started trying to fantasize only about my W. All that did was turn me into a rabid dog when I was around her, which didn't help me get her back. Although that has subsided significantly, the realization I came to in Grand Isle is that I really need to give up all sexual fantasy, including that with my W. Even more dramatically, I realized I needed to give up fantasizing altogether! I'm never going to hit the game-winning home run in a World Series, so why am I trying to make myself feel better by pretending? I need to quit trying to meet my need for admiration and affection through make-believe and honestly address the issues I have and see which of them can be met through a deeper relationship with Jesus and which of them can be met through more honest earthly relationships.

That's going to take me a little time.

[RBinBR]

I just decided to look at the MLC forums, and I realized that I share the following MLC characteristics:

I’ve changed
Change in Music tastes
Childhood issue
Abuse
Lack of Parental love
Tanning
Sudden interest in working out
Weight loss
Abandonment
exercising more
dieting
changes cologne
takes off wedding band
buys new and different underwear
going off by himself/herself for long drives
visits old places of childhood
We didn't really know what love was
Self esteem issues from childhood
Always the "golden child" to siblings' "wild children"

Do you think that becoming an LBS can spark an "MLC" where it isn't a crisis but a good thing? Isn't it interesting how similar GAL and MLC can be on opposite sides of the spectrum?

[grasshopper]

RB,

You sound well. I have thought about this LBS/MLC parallel. There are a ton of similarities but I think the main difference is that we tend to maintain a commitment to our spouses and family while going through major personal growth and discovery while the MLCers tend to run from all that was stable and "boring" in their lives. We discover that it IS possible to maintain both a healthy "life" AND healthy marriage and that actually, they are one in the same.
GAL teaches us that at a time when all we really want to do is pine for our WAS, we need to resist that urge and discover that which makes us happy beyond the marriage and our WAS. It is our ability to overcome the negative emotions, ours AND WAS's, rise up in the face of what, for many of us is the most painful experience of our lives, and BECOME more that we were before that sets us apart.
To me, the LBS transformation into someone with a vibrant spirit and passion for life is actually quite different from the MLC transformation into someone who is confused, angry, sad and intent on changing for change's sake and be damned with whoever it hurts in the process.
We try to do it in context, they try to remove all context so they can do it without guilt, fear or consequences.
The means may look the same, but the end goals are pretty different if you ask me.

GH

[RBinBR]

Thanks, GH. I actually feel more "well" than at just about any time in my life and I'm on the way to feeling even better.

I thought most of your post was dead on, but I'm not sure about:

The means may look the same, but the end goals are pretty different if you ask me.

I don't know. I could argue exactly the opposite: that both the MLC and the LBS truly engaged in GAL are both trying to find their meaning and purpose and discover who they really are apart from their spouses. That the means are what is different -- abandonment on the one hand and detachment on the other. It's like two people with the goal of getting rich, and one decides to rob a bank while the other decides to get more education or start a new business. Thoughts?