Thanks, ThatGuy, its been a while since I've seen you around. Some of us continue to hang on.
So, I followed your web site and found an ad for this guy's book. Can you give me a few examples of what he recommends?
I fear my marriage is all but over, though W and I don't talk much about things. She does still, however, talk like she plans on continuing our current open marriage set-up after the divorce.
The other day I bought a new cell phone and learned that it didn't come with a car charger. I told W that it had an unusual jack, quite unlike my last phone by the same manufacturer. "Mine has an odd jack too," she replied, "Maybe they're the same....that would be great!"
"Why?" I asked.
"Because if they're the same, when we go on trips, we'll only need to drag one battery charger with us..."
In the meantime the issue of our $1000+ bonus credits on our Disney Visa card came up. W has asked me to check out the possibility of taking our family on a trip in the fall to WDW. So, this is firming up to be one odd divorce.
But I know that things have progressed towards the big D farther than ever. The other day W's mom called while W was out and she asked me what was up between W and I. I asked what she knew and she replied that W had told her that we were having troubles, were in counseling and headed toward divorce....Nothing was said about her 1 year old affair with the scumbag OM.
I tried to talk to my MIL, but it was difficult explaining things without talking about her affair. "There's more that I could say," I explained, "but W will have to tell you that."
After many minutes skirting the issue, I finally spilled and told MIL everything. She seemed to have a good idea in light of her questioning and in light of what she said she told W.
I told her that it'd be easier for me if she wouldn't reveal that I spilled the beans, and MIL agreed to keep her mouth shut. I talked to her a few days later and she said that she hadn't even told W that we talked about our marital difficulties. Anyway, I am potentially in trouble for revealing this....oh well.
Its been several weeks since W dropped the second bomb (asking that we continue with the divorce, months after we kind of agreed to let things coast), and she's done nothing to move it along.
I spoke to our marriage counselor. He advised me in our conversation that there was 'trouble in paradise' between W and OM, and when I asked if I should go file, he told me to sit tight...that she may never follow through.
There have been other interesting developments since my last post, but since I'm here so infrequently, it'd take up too much space in one post. Perhaps I'll pop in again soon, depending on any replys or advice.
Thanks for everyone who tunes in and especially those who write and offer support and advice. Again, ThatGuy, I'd be interested to hear more about your new book....
Hiya SAHDaddy... not much advice... but just wanna check up how you are doing... I think our sitch started around the same time... I guessed I agree with your counsellor, i.e Sit tight. Don't go file yourself. If she wants to have the D to be with om, then late her do it. Keep text messages and emails (if you have them) that W sends to you. Those could be used as "supporting" information IF and IF D does go ahead...
So, I followed your web site and found an ad for this guy's book. Can you give me a few examples of what he recommends?
Sorry to hijack TG. I signed up for the daily newsletters and in one week have sound a few useful tidbits. Here is the link to David Cunningham's archived articles.
David talks about having and developing traits in yourself that are attractive to women. These aren't superficial like clothes, cars, etc, but characteristics deep w/in you. Today's email was about "chivalry". A woman wrote a story about how she was attracted to a guy, not her date, at her Sr. prom, b/c while she was waiting for her date to pull around w/the car, she shivered and another guy put his tux jacket over her shoulders. Check out the link to the archived news letters, I think that they are worth reading.
Hi Yoyogirl, yes, we are indeed DBing.com contemporaries. It is so nice of you to check in....
Journaling:
Ugly discussion tonite. W came home half in the bag at about 11:45 pm, out with a coworker (not OM). She decides she wants to come home and talk about custody and such after months of moratorium.
She says once again she still loves me and even says that she hasn't given up on us and alludes to the possibility that we may be together again some day....but that separation for now is inevitable. SHe is in love with OM and must follow that road for now.
Her big plan that she revealed to me tonite is that she would like for us to share the house. The kids stay, get their stability, mom moves out one week, dad moves out the next and mommy and OM move in.
I tell her no way. She gets mean and says 'then we'll put the house on the market, etc.'
Back in October, when we were on the brink of filing for the D, the plan was that she would move in with OM and we would shuttle the kids back and forth. I even had her agreeing to a 65/35% split in my favor, as long as she would get an extra day and a half a week with the kids without an overnight at the adultery pad.
I agreed at her behest to hold off on the divorce and now I am facing much more of a fight than I had hoped for.
But fight I will. Sorry for the bummer news, its not what one wants to hear on these boards...soon I'll have to move to the divorcing boards.
Sorry about your situation. But did notice something similar in your situation. My W has not said that we will never have a second chance, but just indicates that it would not be right now. W wants to continue to live with OM and GF for now, keep the house, the kids keep staying with me and they come to see her at new place on occasion. I told her that we would need to work on that plan, because I did agree about the kids going over there to spend the night. She could take them to her Sister's who does not live far or maybe stay at the house in separate room, or I could go my mom's overnight while she stay with them. They act like this is no big deal and do not understand why we do not jummp for joy at our new life style. They just seem to believe that the grass is just greener on the otherside for now, but are afraid of loosing the safety net of the past.
Quote: BUT - she had been drinking, so could all be different story in the morning?
No, she was buzzed but not out of her mind. She said she had been formulating this for the past 3 weeks.
Quote: Where does she expect you will go while she is staying at home on her weeks?
That's what I wondered. I'm a stay at home dad. I have no job. She mentioned I could stay with my 83 yr old mother in her tiny condo. No way. Perhaps get an apartment. We don't have the kind of money to support two households.
Even more unacceptable is the thought that OM would be living in my home. With my kids. Ridiculous. Never. He has a large $300,000 home in an affluent suburb about 40 minutes away. It doesn't make sense.
Quote: They act like this is no big deal and do not understand why we do not jummp for joy at our new life style. They just seem to believe that the grass is just greener on the otherside for now, but are afraid of loosing the safety net of the past
It's all a mess. Everything she has suggested is what would work best for her. I wondered why she was so eager to continue sinking money and time into home improvements around here.
Speaking of safety nets, W also told me last night that she still considers me her best friend. THat if something significant happens, she picks up the phone to call me, not OM. I told her I found that confusing.
She confused. This conversation has once again prodded me out of my comfort zone and into the hell of trying to work things out.
Fortunately, I had already made an appointment with my lawyer for next Thursday, so I will find out how far she can push me. I told her that since I am losing my marriage, my wife, my kids (part of the time) and half of my belongings, that the least she can do is let me buy her out of her share of the house. She was angry and said that she would force a sale. I hope the law is on my side....
"As far as being the good DBer, I would give myself a B-. I have attempted getting a life. I am back in school working towards a second degree with better job prospects and I have joined a band - something I've wanted to do for about 30 years. I stopped begging and crying and talking about the OM and generally became my cheating spouses' friend. I have tried to follow the example of successful DBing oldtimer, MF, who also had a cheating wife whom he won back with his DBing skills. If you haven't read his posts, look him up. If you can't find it, post a request here and I will find the link....Very inspirational."
Can anybody help with a link - I could use some inspiration!
