BBM, you and I have even MORE in common. My bf also has made remarks about my weight, so I lost 25+ lbs. and there's still no difference.
Once I approached him with this caramel topping thing that I proposed to put on him and just lick off (he also likes when I do oral on him, but he won't do oral on me). He practically threw me out of the bathroom when he was coming out of the shower. I had such a violent anxiety attack that I took myself to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. (And that was when he was still drinking.)
I also sent him sexy emails, read him stuff, etc.-- he doesn't like it.
He is also a salesman-- in fact I bought THIS computer from him! I think dealing with people who had more education (he flunked out of college due to drinking and drugging) and lots of money to spend really challenges his self-image, too.
Going to Alanon won't hurt-- at one time I went three times per week. But you can't go (and you probably know this) with the idea of finding out ways to change your H. Alanon is all about getting a life for yourself. I found it very worthwhile.
Y'all have got to find a reliable method of birth control. You don't need that variable floating around in the background.
I don't know what else to tell you... think of it: he has never had sex sober. No wonder it scares the crap out of him.
Thanks Lou & Lillie for responding. It feels better to share my feelings about this & get input. I don't have any friends here in NC and the ones I have since high school aren't in similar situations, at least, we don't talk about those things. I mean, who wants to tell anyone their spouse isn't interested in S?
My H likes the emails, seems to respond well to them. Especially if they are geared to WOA, not correcting problems. He told me he likes the emails, just not he ones where I show him pointers for OS...
My goal isn't to change him. I just want to figure out ways to get that sexual side that I once knew, when he was drinking, to come back. I realize it will take time. I probably need a push, someone with more experience with this type of thing to make suggestions. I don't want to pressure him. I want him to feel safe to open up to me, to experience pleasure with me without fear of me judging him.
My pain, frustration & anger has, I am sure, caused me to be short with him, show more frustration & so on. I don't want to be this way. So, how do you change that? Why does my happiness seem to come from his approval/wanting/needing me? I will not be happy just letting things slide. Letting things become complacent. That isn't fair. Maybe if I just focus on me, he will come around. I need to start doing things for myself, like working out. Maybe that will make him see that I am going to make myself happy, with or without him, so that he pays attention? I lost the weight by diet & some exercise, maybe by hitting the gym regularly without him, this will stir him up?
As for Ala-non, I realize it should be for me, not to change him. I have gone in the past & liked it. But, I am afraid there isn't enough time in my day for the family, work, the gym & then meetings. I have to slack on something. So I tend to put off the latter.
Quote: My pain, frustration & anger has, I am sure, caused me to be short with him, show more frustration & so on. I don't want to be this way. So, how do you change that? Why does my happiness seem to come from his approval/wanting/needing me?
This is precisely the kind of thing that alanon helps with. If it's a priority, you'll make time. What if your H said, "yeah, I need to do this or that to improve our SL, but I don't have time" I used to go to the meetings a little late so I didn't have to introduce myself, and leave before they said the Lord's Prayer... so it only turned out to be about 45 minutes I was there. I never said one word out loud, but I got something out of every single meeting.
The idea isn't to GAL (get a life) to show him that you can get along without him. The idea is to focus on YOUR WORK so that he can identify and do HIS WORK.
Think of this... if you focus on him all the time, what pleases him, how to get him to notice you, how to get what you want from him, how to fix him, who is there for you? The answer: no one. When we focus too much on the other person, we abandon ourselves.
And besides, it's like teaching a pig to dance-- it doesn't work, and it annoys the pig.
