1) I would really reconsider seeing a Counsellor who recommends seeing other people. That could only confuse your issues.
That is exactly what I thought. I told my H today that I didnt think I wanted to see MC again. He is still going to her. I think that is trouble too. He told her yesterday that he was confused on what to do and she said maybe we should stop all contact for a month to see what happens. That is too much distance if you ask me.
2) How old is your H? He could be going through a mid life crisis.
My H is only 33 but he has all the signs of a MLC. New sports car yesterday, working out all the time, wants to party, etc. He says he is miserable in our marriage and all he wants out of life is to get up in the morning and be happy. 3) Love is a decision. Is is respect of another character. If you had feelings at some point those are possible again. But it is common for feelings to change. Absolutely! In my opinion if things are on the up and up, no one else is invovled..either EA or otherwise, then both are willing to some degree to work on the marriage. ie. he wishes he could be willing?
That is my problem. He is a quitter. If something means any amount of discomfort for him then he will drop it. I just never thought that would apply to me. He feels leaving the marriage is easier and less work than working at it. Also his biggest problem is that he doesnt feel the same about me anymore.
4) What does you H say specifically that he finds unattractive about you, does he know?
No he doesnt. He says its just not there. He thinks I am beautiful inside and out and knows others find me attractive. I am young, thin, and not to be conceited fairly attractive. I get lots of attention from other men. He says that is what he cant understand how he just feels nothing for me when he looks at me. This is from someone who couldnt keep their hands off of me. He said at the MC that I used to be so attracted to her and always want to be with her now I just dont feel that way anymore.
5) If there was once chemistry, it can happen again...court each other, improve yourself, grow personally, discuss the things that have driven you apart...ie. sex and etc.
You are right unfortunately everytime we try to do this I end up getting aggravated and we end up arguing. I need to learn to control it if I havent already screwed things up.
6) I wonder if he is being completely honest with you. He may have his eye on someone who is sparking his interest...even for those with whom it is out of character...faith or beliefs...these things can still happen.
You are absolutely right but what gets me is that I am going through so major stuff with my health and he felt this was the time to be honest with me about our M. So if he is being honest about that at a time like this why wouldnt he just tell me hey I am interested in someone else. He has always always been brutally honest with me. Even when he knows it hurts me. It sometimes ticks me off that he is so honest.
Nicegal
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
If you don't like the path the C has put you on, stop going! If a hairdresser gave you a bad haircut, would you keep going back assuming he knew what he was doing? If a plumber, mechanic, or other professional performed a service that you were not satisfied with, would you keep hiring them. The C works for YOU and is supposed to help you get where you want to go. I'm not saying you won't sometimes feel bad when you leave-- stirring up stuff can make you feel bad... but you need to feel overall like you are moving toward YOUR goals.
Do ou know what his love language is? Do you know what his primary needs are? Identify those and it should start you on the path to recovery. Maybe his primary need is NOT sex, so concentrating on sex may not solve your situation. Maybe he needs recreational companionship, maybe he needs attractiveness, or maybe something else. Check out the "5 Love Languages" and also "His Needs/Her Needs" and see if you can figure out what he is lacking.
I’ve heard of counselors who like to use a “shock” approach, telling spouses to go ahead and divorce, or see others. I think they want to shock their clients out of denial to face the reality of splitting and see how much they really mean to each other. If your husband got upset and was crying over your hurt, I would think there was some success in this approach, although I think there may be better methods.
Since he reached out to you, why do you think marriage counseling doesn’t work? Isn’t this the first step in getting back together? How exactly would you prefer him to respond?
He doesnt feel about me the way a H should feel about a W. He said if we tried to put this back together we will both be miserable and eventually it will make one of us have an affair.
If this statement were made from a hard, unemotional stance, I would read into rather literally. But with the background of his hurt over the session and his crying, I see this in an entirely different context. This sounds to me like code for sitting on his pity pot and feeling sorry for himself, putting himself down as unworthy, and really wanting you to chase after him to make him feel better. In other words, “Mommy, come rescue me!”
I see what he is saying but why do we have to be miserable. Because you are both crying for yourselves, you have lost the support from each other that you need to hold yourselves up. Neither of you can stand on your own feet.
If he cries like that doesnt it mean he still has feelings for me????? Yes, without question. But he also NEEDS you to make him whole (which is 50% of the problem. Your compensating need is the other 50%).
Before cutting your counselor loose, confront him/her on what his/her philosophy is. It would be interesting to see if your husband has the same attitude as you toward the counselor. If he really doesn’t care, I don’t think he would even go, much less care what the counselor’s approach is.
I think that because your H said that he was confused is why she said no contact for a month. To clear the head of confusion.
I know that when I was confused about my M. I mean I was an emotional wreck. I just decided not to work on it for a while. Stop trying. Now that was my plan to make it better...and not an escape.
I took a break. Was cordial with my H but more or less avoided him. Just to avoid pain. I did not want to separate, for the sake of my children. I knew that. So I just distanced myself from him so I could get my head on straight.
I'm sure that's what this C is doing.
I'd really thought about separation. Talked to a woman who'd divorced her H, because of numberous affairs on his part, but she regrets many things she did and how she handled it for her children to see. I really respect her.
THat's how I came to my conclusion that I would just emotionally distance at home. Kids never knew though as we treated each other with respect in their presence and were cordial.
Boredom seems to be a problem. Why is he not happy? What does he say? I know that my H told me that. He wasn't happy because I never seemed to be happy, he said. I'd complain about things.
Does he has purpose to his life? From your description of him, it sounds like he doesn't. He's had the gorgeous wife and great sex, now a sports car etc....If I didn't have purpose to my life, I'd be impossible!!
His honesty with you...I understand the hurt part. I'd ask my H questions and he'd be too brutally honest for me! But then, I asked. I learned to be tougher. To take it. To be a stronger woman. To be more logial and less emotional so that I'd relate better to my H. Someone has to change. When you do, you look weak...but you are actually strong for being able to do so. Wish I'd have found that out 20 years ago rather than wanting to be right all the time and fighting change!!!!
Then I'd listen to what he'd have to say. Stop defending myself and listen to his points. Unfortuneatly most were true!!!
In time, now he will listen to me! And today he even laughed when I told him what he did and we made a big joke out of it. It was very endearing to me.
Just a quick post - H and I are now talking about his lack of libido. He is trying - now having physical problems again. He brought it up again this morning - can't understand why sex is so important to me! What am I supposed to say - because I gave up having roommates about 20 years ago! and thought marriage was different than it is??? So, as always, the problem is on my shoulders - it is always my fault. (Excuse me for venting!)
How do we all live with this on a long term basis. This has been going on in my marriage for over 10 years now. I am not leaving him but sometimes it hurts and is so painful my kids even notice my bad moods. They are in their teenage years now and I can't hide things as well as I used to.
Any suggestions - I know he's not changing so I am trying to change to become more attractive but I really don't think that's the problem.
Maybe you're coming on too strong...have you ever thought of that??? Maybe your husband just doesn't care for sex anymore. I stopped having sex with my wife 6 months after we got married, and it ultimately killed our marriage, but I couldn't live with myself as a fake. I am not a gigolo, I can't have sex when I don't want to. I'm not Richard Gere...or even Deuce Bigolo.
You mention you just can't have sex when you don't want to. I can understand that statement.....BUT, if your wife brought this up as an issue for her in your marriage....did you make any efforts to fulfill her needs?
I have to tell you, if you were having sex with your wife prior to marriage....and then stopped six months into it, if I were her....I'd feel like you led me on until you had me. That what my marriage suddenly turned into, wasn't what I thought it was, it wasn't what I signed up for.
I'm not judging you by any means...just giving you a woman's perspective on it. People simply don't usually get married to be celibate or virtually celibate. Very often they marry the person that they want to have that intimate connection with, exclusively. Sure, there are some situations where as the marriage goes on things do change and one person can find their libido changing. BUT if you suddenly stopped having sex with your wife, I cannot impress on you the impact that had on her ego and self-esteem.
So I am curious....why, do you think, you didn't feel like having sex with your wife?
There must be some men who just don't have as much testerostone. If that is the case here then it would seem to me that it would hurt his ego and make his sex drive even lower to think his wife wants it more than he does.
Is he happy in your marriage? Is there any possibility that he has been having an affair and getting it somewhere else?
Are the two of you close? Connected emotionally?
Has he had some sort of an illness that could have caused this?
I dont' mean to give you an interrogation here, sorry, but knowing some of these things can help people give you some feedback.
Nicegal, Good questions. We are very close in our marriage - talk a lot about everything. I work with him in his office and know him well enough to know there is no one else. He does have low testosterone - he is supposed to use testosterone cream and get periodic shots. He sees a really good doctor who uses natural methods as well as medical treatment. But he quit using his cream because he just doesn't have the drive and I don't believe he misses it much either. Don't mean to offend many out there but I believe some of this is due to his catholic upbringing. He was planning on becoming a priest while in high school but his mother bullied him out of it because he was the only son of an only son and she wanted the family name to continue.
As I look back our problems began when I became pregnant with my third son. We were doing very well until then - baby was a big surprise and blessing but my pregnancy was awful. He began going to strip clubs with some business associates while I sat at home with 2 other small children. I spent most of that pregnancy alone and when I told him how much that bothered me the problems began.
He doesn't go to those places anymore - quit shortly after the third was born but the sexual problems began then and have never been resolved despite talking quite a bit about it.
I am growing very resentful and trying just to keep things together so my kids can have a happy home. It gets hard sometimes, doesn't it.
