I am new to this site but have read The Sex Starved Marriage through and through - it was a tremendous (tremendous) help! Been married over 20 years but our sex life died about 10 years ago when our third child was born. He was rather a surprise (a blessing) but it took a while for hubby to adjust. Then we went from once a week to once a month and then gradually to once every other month and then whenever. I would initiate and he would shrink from me and I got weary of the rejection. When i finally asked about it he just shrugged his shoulders. Then he went through a bout with impotence and finally went to a doctor who gave him testosterone shots. I thought our troubles were over but he still was not interested in sex at all. Then last week he went out to a bar to watch b-ball games and came home rather tipsy and mentioned something about how "he used to love me." Now he even shrinks when I try to hug him.
I love him, love my life, love my kids, love my home, love my job, but this is driving me crazy. I feel "unclean". I know him well enough that if I confront him on this he will only twist things around and blame me. I have chosen to not 'rock the boat" but it is really driving me crazy. Any advice?
I'm sorry for your pain. There are many women on this forum who are in the same boat. For what it is worth I don't think you have found out "why" - the why can be a very complicated thing.
Tell us more about your Marriage in general? What else have you read? What have you tried? Have you been to any counseling? Do you suspect infidelity?
There are many wise people here who can help. There have been some successes on this board. Do not give up hope.
I haven't been here for a really long time. I have a very rough insight. I don't have much time.
The REALLY short version: The courting dance is performed by princes and princesses. MY princess is locked in a tower that I have to scale and then I have to coax my maiden out because she's under a spell. But, that's another story for another time.
It makes for a workable model, though.
Many princesses are NOT under a spell (like you). But, they can still have problems. For example, they're married to a frog, and not a real prince. Then there are the princes who don't see their mate as a princess. You could say that THEY were under a spell.
A WILD guess as to what might work: Wake him up. Dress up. Not as a full blown princess - and certainly not just in a thong. Make yourself over into something that he can aspire to. Not all at once, either. Put your hair up. Be proud, but gracious. Remember, real nobility isn't arrogant. Nor does its panties come off at the first hint of interest.
I have no idea if this will work. But, looking better couldn't hurt your self-esteem.
Thanks guys for your replies. I've been really busy since my first post.
No, I don't suspect infidelity - that is far, far from his style. I guess maybe I suspect boredom. Sad, huh. Well, NHTom, I believe you are right. I decided over the last few days to take some time for myself - maybe become the person he fell in love with a while ago and take care of me - my family needs me and I need me. I went to 2 yoga classes over the last 2 days and feel so much better.
I keep remembering what a favorite pastor of mine told me many years ago - that he had a wife come to him and tell him to tell her husband to "love her" again - but that is something you can't tell someone to do! It is something the husband has to decide to do again. Maybe we are at that point - I just know in my heart confronting him is not going to work - again, not his style.
I heard the same reference about someone being told to love their wife again.
My husband was at a point that he didn't love me anymore. He does again. Not being intimate was the reason for him. I did many things to kill the intimacy or desire for it. I think every marriage that lasts forever will face all those things and each of us has to grow past it.
I would start with trying to win him again. For starters..he loved you once, he'll love you again! Do the things that won him the fist time. Look good, no complaining, talk about things he is interested in...whatever means the most to him.
Boredom comes at some point to everyone. Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow gives some creative ways to entice your husband...it is a Christian book, though.
Step by step. Answers won't all come at once. But little by little. If you are willing to change and do so because you should and not to manipulate him...then you won't get mad when he doesn't respond to you immediately.
Him saying that he doesn't love you..or is bored. That can all change.
Its nice to hear that they can come back from not being in love with you or not being attracted to you. My H and I have been separated for 4 weeks now. The main reason he no longer loves me or is attracted to me. We used to have a great sex life but it started to die over a year ago. He said he just wasnt that into it. There is no OW at least that is what he says. I am an attractive 30 year old. I dont understand it. He is attracted to other woman just not me. I am baffled by this. Any advice????
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
Unless 2 people have no sex drive which would be 1 in 1,000,000 and agree to happily live together like that...lack of sexual intimacy in marriage will most probably drive one spouse to someone else at some point.
The temptation will be there! If that person chooses to work on that relationship and both work out their differences, it will take time. The amount of time it takes to work things out depends on how far things have gone and how much resentment has built up between them.
If the couple is non communicative about it or think they are communicating but don't have communication skills they need...Counseling is necessary at this time. If these things don't happen and you just assume that this will be ok....NOT!
I wouldn't doubt that your H has some interest in someone else. It is the nature of this. Sex is the glue that holds marriages together.
Have you guys done counseling? What has been your recent communication about this? Yes, they can fall back in love with you...but it won't just happen without things changing and communication. But they also have to do willing to work on the R.
Used to have sex, but now he doesn't want sex...and you are separated....spells another woman.
I know OW would explain it all. It makes sense to me but it is out of character for him as is all of this. We have tried counselling but honestly I dont think it works. She has us on a separation plan which I feel is bogus. She also suggested we see other people. I dont think that is for me. The last time we left MC we were both so upset we didnt talk for days. H then sent me an email telling me how hurt he was by our session and that he would always be there for me. I went by the house today to pick up some stuff and he asked me out to lunch. Against my better judgement I said yes. I tried to DB and keep the conversation light but everytime I see him I get so emotional. We both ended up sobbing at the end. He got very upset and told me that he never meant for this to happen and he never meant to hurt me but he is doing what is best for the both of us. He doesnt feel about me the way a H should feel about a W. He said if we tried to put this back together we will both be miserable and eventually it will make one of us have an affair. I see what he is saying but why do we have to be miserable. I guess I dont understand because I dont share his feeling. I am still attracted to him and all I wanted to do was hold him and tell him it would be ok. If he cries like that doesnt it mean he still has feelings for me????? Am I reading too much into it???
M12 Kids 2 ILYBINILWY 08/05 Reconciled 05/06 S07/12 Moved back 03/13 Separated Again 06/24/13 Back Again (his choice) 02/14 Leaving again 03/23/14 DIVORCED 02/15
1) I would really reconsider seeing a Counsellor who recommends seeing other people. That could only confuse your issues.
2) How old is your H? He could be going through a mid life crisis.
3) Love is a decision. Is is respect of another character. If you had feelings at some point those are possible again. But it is common for feelings to change. Absolutely! In my opinion if things are on the up and up, no one else is invovled..either EA or otherwise, then both are willing to some degree to work on the marriage. ie. he wishes he could be willing?
4) What does you H say specifically that he finds unattractive about you, does he know?
5) If there was once chemistry, it can happen again...court each other, improve yourself, grow personally, discuss the things that have driven you apart...ie. sex and etc.
6) I wonder if he is being completely honest with you. He may have his eye on someone who is sparking his interest...even for those with whom it is out of character...faith or beliefs...these things can still happen.
