I need help

[GratefulMama0204]

So my WAH wants to start putting our life back together again. Our divorce was to be final within a month [bomb dropped Thanksgiving, separation mid Dec, found out about OW NYE] His affair is decidedly over [by two weeks] and we have hung out numerous times in the past week.

He says that he loves me and that he wants us to work things out but he needs things to be less emotional for him, he wants it to be easy. I have said that the easy thing is to go through with the divorce, trying to heal from this and to have a stronger relationship is harder.

I don't know how to play this, and I don't want to play this. This isn't a game to win him back. . .he needs to win me back as well.

I am terrified of being hurt again. I finally got myself to a place of happiness and comfort when he decides he wants to try. BUT, he doesn't want to try hard.

Last night he got upset with me because I sent a TM asking him to call me and then called him a half hour later. He asked why I was hounding him... which set me off. I said that I wanted to speak to him before he went out. [He was going out to hang out with OW's cousin.] I was uncomfortable and just wanted to touch base. he acts as if I am trying to control him. I explained that he needed to try to understand things from my perspective, that of course it makes me uncomfortable and he needs to care about my feelings and be considerate of them. I do not necessarily expect him to not hang out with him, I just want reassurance from him.

So he went on to say that we are not together... and I said that if we were working toward a place of being together then I had to know that I was safe to share my feelings. And that he was safe to share his. He agreed.

So he called me back and left a message [I was in the bath] Saying he wants to work on things but that he cannot expect him to be someone he is not. That he loves me and just isn't ready for it to be so deep already. Told me again that he wants us to work out and that he loves me.

I have yet to tell him ILY.

This is hard because I have been DBing for months now and here he is back and I'm like, hey, buddy--- hwat about my needs? What about my feelings? I am just sick of it always being about what HE is comfortable with. WHAT ABOUT ME?

It makes me want to give up. The other night he said something along the lines of "if I started dating someone, I would tell you." HELLO?!! I said if you are interested in dating people then let's forget this charade of trying to work things out. And then he says, what do you want from me? I am not seeing her, I am takng you to Bill Mahr, [ohhhh, thanks.... I get the OW's ticket. how thoughtful] I am wanting to work things out. I just am not ready to deal with all of this yet.

So, I have to continue sitting back taking whatever scraps he gives me and WHEN do I get to have a say in this. I think he needs to win me back.

What books are there out there about how to handle the initial period after the affair.

I know he is probably hurting from the loss... the love of his life that turned out to be a manipulative liar who never really cared about him [his words] Surprise, surprise. BUT, he also has other issues and I have issues with all of the lying and deceit. And of course there were undealt with issues in our relationship pre-A.

So I get the techniques for getting him to come back. Are they the same for making it work now? Am I still supposed to remain detached, do my own thing...

I cannot get a handle on this at all. What am I supposed to do? I love him, want it to work, BUT I feel like we have major healing to do.

Should we set some ground rules? The only ones I have now are to be honest with me, no matter what, even if he thinks it will hurt me. Anything less at this point is a deal-breaker. We HAVE to re-establish trust.

Blech.

[BeingMe]

You do need to reestablish trust, but it takes time. Lots of time. Your H is the one who had the A, who lied, who betrayed you, so it's up to him to earn back your trust. If he isn't doing that, then I suggest you continue with your plans, continue the detachment, and do not pursue him. If he wants you back, then he has to put in the effort, not you. Your part comes in, when he is back home (if he isn't yet), and/or you are in counselling, which I would suggest may help you.

It's been over a year since my H and I reconciled (for the third time), and I still don't trust him. And, he is trying really hard, in his own way, to earn it back. We still have issues, that if we don't work out, I may leave. I am rather sorry I took him back so quickly, since I think I made it far too easy for him, but he also knows that the line is drawn, and if he crosses over it, then I will be gone. We had not initiated the D proceedings by then, and he had not left the house. His A was an emotional, rather than a physical one, so it was a little easier to stomach.

I think you know what you need to do, and what your expectations are. Nothing worth having in life, comes easy, so your H is not thinking clearly if he thinks that reconciliation is going to be easy after he committed adultery. Even if you did make it easy for him - down the line, is when it will become difficult because you will resent him for it.

One positive I would like to point out - he has told you he loves you, and he wants to stay married to you. Just keep in mind, that that does not make it all okay. Love plays a huge part in M, but trust, IMHO, plays an even bigger role. If you can't trust your partner, then love is just not going to be enough.

Wishing you all the best in your sitch!

[GratefulMama0204]

I think you are right. I am going back to being detached. GAL, etc. He needs to be busting his a$$ to make it work. If he isn't willing to put in the effort then we certainly are doomed.

Thanks for taking the time to post.

it is just so hard because I want to share our lives and don't want to push him away, yet I can't have him in my life if we aren't talking about the real issues, trying to truly heal from this. He keeps saying that we are only a week into it, that we aren't back together and he doesn't want to answer to me. Ummmm. okay. He is a child and wants what he wants but doesn't want to do the work to make it happen.

The next time he asks to come over I think I am going to be *busy.* He was spending every free minute with OW prior to the split and now he wants to hang out with me once or twice a week. Doesn't seem really committed to me.

SO back to the keeping myself sane, whole. I learned that I create my own happiness, and this is not happiness. I am choosing to allow him back in when he is not ready to do what I need to make the relationship work. We need tons of R talks, what we want, how do we get there, not just face-time as we watch TV and hold hands.

Funny how a few months ago holding hands would have made me happy. Not anymore....

[BeingMe]

I know exactly how you feel - there was a long time when H wouldn't kiss me on my lips, even after our initial reconciliation (long story - he lied about being in love with me, yadda yadda). What I wouldn't have given to have had just a little peck on the lips - then.

I read somewhere that the one who has the most power in a R, is the one who cares the least. That's where I aspire to be. I want the R, but I don't want my H to ever have the power he had to hurt me again. Not that I want the power, per se, just peace that I will be okay, no matter what. The WAS's bring this upon themselves - what they do, only makes us better, because we know that we either sink or swim. And, I do love to swim. LOL

It sounds like you have done all you can do - worked on yourself, made the changes necessary, set personal goals, achieved them, etc. - now it's up to your H to wake up and smell the coffee. You sound strong, confident, happy with yourself - don't lose that, whatever you decide.

[leslie]

It sounds like you are on the right track. Your H is saying the same things mine has, and I was doing what you are. I took his "let's work on this" to mean exactly that, and kinda stopped with the GAL and the mystery, all of it, really. The lesson learned is, you can never stop. That's all part of keeping your own identity and being happy, taking the happiness you found when your marriage was out the door and bringing it back in to the relationship.

Not that I am a success story or anything,honestly don't know where my sitch is going, but my H bounced three times, we have been living together for three weeks, and almost immediately he had begun to withdraw again. I realized I was expecting WAY too much, but we just aren't there yet and won't be for a long time. So, I'm back on my horse and ready to really LEARN to live the DB stuff, because it works to make me feel good about myself, and already things with the H are flowing back in the direction I want.

So, not trying to hijack, just trying to give an example, I totally saw myself in your sitch.

[GratefulMama0204]

taking the happiness you found when your marriage was out the door and bringing it back in to the relationship.

I hear you. That is what I want.

He has not come back totally from insane land. He gets inordinately upset for things that I think are relatively inocuous.

Ah well. This roller coaster may still be going but I have found away to experience it with good humor and enough distance to realize that even when the ride ends I will get off intact, secure in my soul and the fact that my happiness is created within.

[leslie]

This roller coaster may still be going but I have found away to experience it with good humor and enough distance to realize that even when the ride ends I will get off intact, secure in my soul and the fact that my happiness is created within.

That's it for me, too. There's a lot of comfort in getting to this place, where you know that you'll be okay no matter...that's what keeps me feeling good when I see that crazy lost look in his eye.

[sabusabu]

This is hard because I have been DBing for months now and here he is back and I'm like, hey, buddy--- hwat about my needs? What about my feelings? I am just sick of it always being about what HE is comfortable with. WHAT ABOUT ME?

I feel your pain, sister -- I'm living the same thing with the exact same feeling: Where's MINE? For months now, *I'M* the one whose been doing all the DBing and what-if'ing and all the trying and blahblahblah ...and I wanna yell WHERE'S MINE???? from the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro or wherever it is people go to contemplate the universe.

But here's the thing I've discovered: You gotta stop doing that. It's hard and it sucks and it's damn near impossible most times, but you've gotta bite your tongue and suck it up - because you know why? Because *we* are the only ones who give a damn (or give a damn more) and hence, we're the ones who have to put up with more crapola. Is it fair? Hell, no. And truth be told, it's too friggin' EXHAUSTING! But that's the way it is ... and the way it has to be. For awhile longer, anyway. How much longer depends how much we really care. Or want to keep caring.

I guess this is the times we remind ourselves to be glad you don't have cancer or leprosy or something *truly* dreadful. At least we can get out of it if we choose, whenever we choose.

Sabu