doobie GEL is a valuable resource. I just wanted to say EA's are probally more common than PA's. Don't borrow more thouble than there actually is.
Do the key logger and records thing. Don't feel like you are doing anything wrong. You are looking for honesty, what is really going on, when and how often.
If you find something it Still does not mean a EA, or PA or that you should go along with his interactions with a potential OW. If the records show something might be going on you have a right to have him stop this type of activity.
Well I got all of his cell phone records since Oct. There were hundreds of calls to a cell number. I think it is the OW. Besides calls made at 6am (he leaves at 5:45am for work), midnight, 1am and calls made on Thanksgiving, New Years Day, etc. I guess I was right. I emailed him and he says she is a consultant and gave me her email address at work to prove she works with him. So what. I know this is the best source of affairs - the office. After speaking to my DB consultant yesterday before I had the records, I thought I could still go forward with my marriage. I think I really could if he would just be honest and admit the A. I have real problems with his honesty. When we first me he lied about being in the military, his career, big lies. I got through that and put them in the past. But recently he has been lying about small things. Like saying he has already left work when he hasn't. Being someplace when he really isn't. So I know he has been lying - I need to be able to trust him. So before we can try to make the marriage work, I want him to come clean. Is this unrealistic?
[How do I do this. I spoke with Joann yesterday and I thought I could get over and affair. Now that I found out it's true. I don't know if I can. Any suggestions?
I'm sorry to hear this....so what was his reason for calling her at 6:00am, midnight, and 1am? Not typical office hours.
Giving someone an e-mail address to prove they are a co-worker does not prove they aren't a lover.
Wanting him to come clean before you move forward is absolutely not unrealistic of you, it's necessary....absolutely necessary. If he is having an affair (and I'm sorry, but it looks like he is)....think of all the things he could be exposing you to. What he's doing by talking with her on his cell phone....in front of you...is IMPO flaunting what he's doing and expecting that either you won't really catch on, or you won't do anything about it. When you confront him, and you need to, tell him that if he wishes to keep his marriage and you, then he needs to come clean with you, otherwise you will not be able to move forward and get past this.
There is absolutely no reason for him to call a "consultant" that many times in one month, or on Holidays!!! Unfortunately, I have to say....it's fairly obvious what he's doing. Set a hard boundary on this....he needs to cut off all contact with OW, or...well, you decide what the consequences are.
If it's any comfort to you whatsoever, I had that same feeling when I found out what my H was doing online. It's absolutely horrible....you don't know which way is up.
Fortunately you do have a therapist, talk to her....get her input. I'm here for you in any capacity you need me to be too...do not hesitate to e-mail me, even if you just need someone to tell you a joke to help break your mood. One thing to remember....you do not have to make any decisions right this moment. You don't even have to confront him....right this moment. You know what's up...take your time, gather information (as painful as that will be)....and then confront him when you are ready to do so. Do however keep your eyes and ears wide open as to what's up....and do not believe his excuses. As you said....he has a history of lying, so now....everything he says is suspect. That is a sad thing, but it's so very true.
You will find so much support on here...but I'm going to guide you to another support BB that I've been participating in as well.... Surviving Infidelity. There are people on that BB (just like on here) that have just found out, just as you have. You need all the support you can get at this time....and we are all here for you.
I do still maintain this though....when you do confront him you will need to tell him your conditions of reconciling (assuming you still wish to)...that being he comes aboslutely clean about what he's been doing (which he may or may not do completely, mine hasn't...but I think I've found out most things)....AND (most importantly) he cuts off ALL contact with the OW. He may try to throw up the excuse that she's a co-worker, well....there are ways around that if he really wants his marriage.
(((((BIG HUGS))))) to you Doobie....email me if you need to...anytime! anitam@nordam.com
