I know why my marriage is SSM. Because I have not talked to my H face to face about the problems. I guess I just haven't had enough of it to confront him and hurt him. AND, I am somewhat afraid of what my part in this is. We all know it takes 2, and I know I have played a part. He has been pretty nice to me lately, in the past several months. Went all out for Valentines day.... flowers sent to work (been 10 yrs at least) took me out to dinner the following week and to the movies and the following week gave me a ruby necklace that was supposed to be ready for V day, but wasn't. BTW I have never once in 24 yrs of marriage received jewelry from him, so thats a first. Hmmmmmmmmmm wonder if all my hinting for months before got the message across about those things.
In the back of my mind I feel if I tell him exactly what I want......... ie; real sex............... I will feel very selfish due to the fact he has ED problems. Viagra is out of the question (heart bypass patient) and he has already said he will never ever use a needle of anykind. Deep Down, I don't wanna be the back guy, kwim?
Sure I can understand what you are saying. But you could always approach him with options of what you would be good with too. I mean, hey there's oral, there are toys he can use on you. Sometimes people forget that sex doesn't just have to be one thing.....there are many options open.
You might even just approach him with something like this...and I'm sure others will chime in here. That you'd find it a really loving gesture for him to just take care of every now and then. Hey...he listened about the other things didn't he? He may have ED....but you can still approach him with things that YOU would like, that he CAN do....but ya know, you'd just so much prefer it if he did it for you, instead of you doing it for yourself
I don't know how to say this without coming off as really selfish. He will take care of me from time to time. I have toys, he has seen every one of them, and used them. The problem there is there still is no kind of foreplay, no teasing each other, no anything. Its get right down to business and get it over with. It happens maybe once a month. I have tried to tell him to slow down, given him tips, he doesn't listen I want him to go to the drs. He does get a semi erection. There again, not very often. So what do you do with a guy that won't listen?
It is amazing. We have had sex twice in the past 5 days and it is as if my husband has reconnected with me a little. I am having trouble not holding on to the anger though. We were barely talking. On Monday morning he was back to his moodiness. He had agreed to watch Michelle's DVD and we didn't get around to it on the weekend. I didn't want to push him. On Sunday night I told him I was disappointed that we didn't watch it. He had no reply! Just ignored me. He had said he would read the book (he reads all kinds of books related to his job)and again I don't want to push him. I really think Divore Busting is an amazing book. How can I get him to read it?
Simple answer....you can't "get him to read it". All you can do is show it to him and state that you think it's a good book and ask him to read it. Whether or not he reads it...is out of your control. I can't tell you how many of us on here have asked our SO to read a book....only to have it sit on a shelf/table/desk to collect dust....to our great frustration. I even bought my H a book on tape, because he's not fond of reading (it makes him sleepy)....it's still not been opened a year later.
Stop sitting back waiting on him to pick up the ball and run with it. You had Michelle's video...why didn't YOU put it in and ask him to come watch it with you? You two had agreed to watch the video, so doing that...wouldn't be pushing. Not to sound cruel here but....your disappointment in not watching the video needs to be directed at you, not at him. YOU could have put the video in and asked him to watch it with you....but you didn't. I'm sure, because you were hoping he'd bring it up, or go put it in himself...that's a very human thing for you to want to have happen, but it's not a likely thing to happen at this point.
I have no doubt that you want him to WANT to fix things as bad as you do, and you are hoping he'll step up and actively start working on this with you...chances are though that you will have to take the lead, at least for awhile. It's ok though to do that....the important thing is that you both sit down and watch the video, talk to each other about how you feel honestly, and let your anger out...just let it go. That comes with telling him your true honest feelings about things.
Prior to signing up for DB, I had vague suspicions that my husband was having an affair. Of course he denied it. After reading DB/DVD I felt like I could proceed forward (I had no proof of infidelity). On our ride up to our get-away-cabin this past weekend, my husband took a cell call and the short conversation seemed very intimate to me. He did not answer in his usual "business way" of Hi ...... He just said HI. I though it was his sister calling. And he replied in a tone he used to use when he was speaking to me - when your spouse asks if he misses you or loves you and you answer with a sweet voice to let your spouse know that you really can't talk because you are not alone. When I asked who it was, he said a female colleague. My heart just sank, my mood instantly changed. I looked at his Call History on his cell and noticed that he called this number and received one call from it. Tonight I just tried the number and it has been "temporarily disconnected".
How do I move past this and get back on DB track? I honestly can't see how this is possible. Does DB suggest that I just go about my DB plan and forget about this??
This is the first you've mentioned (I think) of a possible affair. You need to find out if this is the case or not. If he is having an A, whether it's an EA or PA it needs to come out in the open. Otherwise you may possibly find yourself in the situation of him wanting his cake and eating it too. Meaning....he'll keep you at home for the security of the "family" life, and keep her on the side for everything else....would you want to live that way? Probably not....so you need to find out what's really going on.
If your gut is telling you something is going on....it probably is, listen to it.
I hope this isn't an unwelcome interruption but.....
Annette wonders why H can't understand her well stated desires and needs for sex. The response is sympathetic, suggesting that her H could do other things besides straight sex.
I also sympathize with her.
CeMar, on the other hand, seems to have the same complaints about his W and gets a very different response. He wonders why W can't "just do it." She doesn't have to come up with the idea. He's already done it. Simply saying "I'd really love to have sex with you" should be more than enough to get sex to cross her mind.
I'm roughly in the same situation as Annette and CeMar. I can't understand why, if she loves me, at my suggesting (pleading, begging, etc.) she can't graciously say, "OK, honey. I'll be glad to make you happy."
Instead, I hear some of the responses I've read here. Mostly the "I can tell that sex is the only thing you want."
When sex is what you are missing, and it's physically tangible 24/7, yes, that's what I'm thinking about. However, if I got sex regularly I COULD think about something else.
I hope I haven't presented this as a challange or criticism. My hope is to receive/inspire some real understanding.
How do I find out if he is sleeping with someone? He has denied it. He has lied to me about other things, so my trust in him is nill. He's not going to admit it.
Doobie....first off, do you have access to his cell phone records? If you don't, that's one of the best ways people carry on affairs and hide it, by using a cell phone. You need to see the activity on it. Since he was talking with her on his own phone he probably doesn't have a secondary phone that he hides from you (some people go that far). If you can view his bill (online preferrably) then you'll be able to see his incoming/outgoing calls and the frequency of them. If there's any particular number that pops up regularly (besides your home, work or your cell numbers)...RED FLAG!
Next...credit card statements, do you see them? Do you have access to view all charges? The computer, does he clear the history on it after he's been on it? There is absolutely no reason for someone to clear the history on the computer constantly....dead tip-off they are up to something. My H would do this because he was accessing his yahoo e-mail account and he didn't want me to see what he'd been up to. Got around that by buying a keystroke tracker.
Rather than putting everything I did on here (where someone who is cheating could see it) I'd prefer you e-mail me if you need further clarification on how to go about any of this anitam@nordam.com
and the following week gave me a ruby necklace that was supposed to be ready for V day, but wasn't. BTW I have never once in 24 yrs of marriage received jewelry from him, so thats a first. Hmmmmmmmmmm wonder if all my hinting for months before got the message across about those things. 
I want him to go to the drs. He does get a semi erection. There again, not very often. So what do you do with a guy that won't listen?