Absolutely LOST! Dug the whole and can't get out!

[Emily28]

I don't know how to approach my H about anything! I am trying to keep this R going but I think it's falling right back apart. We did soooooooo much better when we were just dating. I knew not to expect anything from him then. But now that we are back to married I want him to be here living with me . . . doing married things . . . . having this next baby with me. But I don't have any of that . . . and I don't know/think (if) he wants it. I'm so confused and alone and I just cry all the time. I know I've jumped around on here a lot . . but I sure could use some help guys.
He has a couple of good friends down there that he is always going out with and doing things with (one of them is actually his brother . . who he spends the most time with . . skateboarding and just goofing off . . ) He goes to work everynight and every night the group of people he works with goes to a dinner and has dinner or coffee or whatever together. One of them is a 46 old women named Cheryl. . . . they get along well (I guess she's cool for her age and attractive for an older gal). and she's slept with guys his age (I.E. his best friend Zach). She'll give him rides home (as his car isn't out of the shop yet . . ) and I guess she asked him to help her move some furniture the other day. I don't know why but I don't like this relationship AT ALL. As a matter of fact I HATE IT. I try to get that across to him with out coming right out and saying it. . . he sort of picked up on it and I played it off because it pissed him off that I felt any kinda way about it.

With the other girls there's been in the past and all the lies he's told . . I don't know if I'll ever trust him again and I don't know if a R without trust can work. I don't think so . . and if I keep throwing it back in his face it definately won't work! I don't know what to do . . I just keep thinking about all the lies he's told and I never know what's the truth and what's a lie.

I feel like now that he got his chunk of the tax return and almost has his car back he's ready to break it off with me . . and go back to his "single" life.
My parents just offered to buy us a house . . and rent to own it back to us. It's a long complicated situation . . if you want to know more just ask. It's his parents house . . that they haven't touched in about 7 years . . and it's really just a shell of a house. They don't want it anymore and were just going to let it go up for tax sale . .(long story shorten here). They're interested in selling it . . but have to check out the whole situation, and will get back to him (my H) about it. So now it's a waiting game.

I think my parents doing this is AMAZING . . I could have a place to live that I wouldn't have to worry about anything . . my kids would have a normal life. But I think it sealed the deal with him . . and made him realize he'd be coming to a stationary life . . married with kids.
He hasn't wanted to talk to me for the past 3 or 4 days . . . and didn't even call me lastnight like he always does (his excuse . . he was running late). I don't know what to do or what to think . . I'm so sick of the rollercoaster . . if he's willing to commit to this R like he says he is . . shouldn't he working on getting his transfer pushed through? He told me it'd take 3 to 4 weeks . . alright we're there and then some and he hasn't even gone back in to Jan (the guy in charge of that stuff) to check and see what the status of it is. The more I would push on this the more he would back off . . i know it. So I try not to say anything . . but I want to scream at him, "I HAVE 12.6 WEEKS LEFT TO GO . . I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER. WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE WITH YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN"

Can't someone please offer some sort of advice????

[BeingMe]

I know that it's going to be difficult to go those last few weeks of your pregnancy alone, but you must face the fact that you may have to. You cannot control your H! You are going to have to find the strength and courage to do this alone. However, you will need some support - are your parents there, siblings, friends? Surround yourself with people who love you and care about you.

DB techniques talk about loving detachment. If you have the book, then read about that. I feel you need to find a way to detach from your H's choices. Maybe, even go dark which means that you should not contact him, and if he contacts you, then you be the one to end the conversation. Give him only enough to keep him informed. Do not bring up R discussions.

I cannot imagine why your H is behaving the way he is, except he may be going through MLC, or just chickening out of his responsibilities - very immature, yes, but some people are like that when under stress.

Just keep calm, don't fight with him, don't cry in front of him, don't beg him to stay, just seek support from others, vent here, find out what your legal options are (doesn't do any harm to know your rights), see a counsellor if you can, and know that this will not be forever. Try setting some goals to help you focus, i.e., eat your fruits and veggies, take your folic acid, read a chapter of a book each day, take a walk each day, and so forth. Write it down, and add to it if needed.

Thinking of ya!

[Emily28]

I'm so depressed today! I don't know what to do or where to turn! After two LONG talks with my mother . . . things seem so hopeless. She tells me that she thinks I "think crazy" and I don't see anything the way normal people do. She's been on me my whole life about things like this , could it be because I'm adopted and didn't adopt her way of thinking or should I really believe that I am just off. She says I should a therapist. I'm so hurt and upset. . . maybe she's right but I didn't think it was because I was nuts. She thinks that my H isn't being fair to me. . . she thinks he's being childish and not acting the way he should (he's 22 so I doubt MLC by the by ) She says that when sees that his pregnant wife who watchs his 19 month old daughter 24 - 7 is at her wits end and sooo stressed out that he should step up and be a man and take over the responsibility of somethings.

I don't know what to do on my own . . . my mom says they may have to take me to the hospital and I may have to deliver by myself . . I wish I could just refuse but i know that's impossible. It's almost too over whelming for me to think about .

I'm so frustraighted with my H and I wish he'd make up his mind . . . because I can't make up mine. . . I think that's probably wrong. I just feel like I can't stay here . . my parents will be back in a month and I feel like I have to be gone because we'll only fight constantly.
I don't have any good friends . . not that I feel like I can open all the way up . . only my H . . . I tried opening up to my mom and it's only gotten me more confused and lost. . . I want to call my H and talk but I know I can't . . so what now?

[BeingMe]

I feel really bad for you in your sitch! Please try and keep positive. Try not to over analyse things (I tend to do that), and stop the crazy thinking (I don't think you're crazy, but I know how I was feeling when my H was having his EA. My thoughts would just spiral out of control, and I would get very obsessive about everything. It feels like crazy, but it isn't - quite normal for you to feel this way, but you must try and get it under control - it was what helped me, anyway). Just let things go for now, and keep calm. I know we all need someone to talk to, so try and get into see a counsellor, or your church's pastor, or someone like that. And vent here, if need be. We all understand.

There are no guarantees in life, and there is certainly none where our H's are concerned. Your H may never step up to the plate and be responsible, so you have to try and be the strong one, for now. Be your own best friend!

[sabusabu]

I can't give you any advice on what to do about your H or even imagine what his problem might be, I can give you advice on one thing: Find SOMEONE who's not your mother to talk about your immediate problems with. Your mother may have good intentions, but she's in no way objective. And you need an objective voice helping you.

If I were in your shoes, personally I'd start by showing up on the doorstep of the pastor/deacon/minister/whatever of whatever church/religion you're most comfortable with. I'm not overly religious in any sense of the word, but when you have nobody else, you have nobody else, and your choices are pretty much limited to doing SOMEthing or doing nothing and sinking deeper into the abyss of misery. When you do nothing, you're guaranteed that nothing will happen. Church pastors/ministers (especially the more non-denominational ones) seem to at least have the will (and some even the training) to deal with perfect strangers who show up out of the blue all overwrought at the front door at all hours of the day or night.

Not only that, but church ministers/pastors/whatever don't stop you after an hour and say, "Well, our hour is up. See you next week."

Just a suggestion. Take it as you wish.

Sabu