This is my first post on the site. The short story is my wife wants a divorce. I think we can fix the marriage. My wife wanting a divorce came as a total shock to me. I knew we had issues I just didn't think they were that bad. She never told me until it came to this. I've got the Divorcy Remedy book. I'm trying to follow that advice now. If anyone wants to hear the rest of the story I will post it later. Just let me know. On to this post.....
I was really concerned about my wife holding all of her feelings inside. She doesn't want to talk to me about them. As far as she's concerned we are over. I encouraged her to talk to a friend or family member. She isn't willing to talk to a counselor right now. My problem is I don't like her choice of people she is talking to(I know I have no say in this). She is talking to her brother who cheated and divorced his first wife of 10 years or more. Plus has been divorced two times since then. Three divorces within ten or so years.
The other two girls she chose are former coworkers and friends of hers. I've only talked to them once or twice. I don't really know them. My wife tells these two girls the same things usually emailed or IM'ed between the three of them. There outlook on the situation is very differnet than the other. My problem with girl 1 is she is encouraging my wife to leaving me. Like I said the woman doesn't even know me. She calls me names in her emails to my wife and just really puts me down. I know she is my wifes friend but she also has to know there is two sides to the story before saying the things she said. Girl 2 I'm more comfortable with. She has talked more as a friend that will support her in HER decision. She doesn't push her to leave me or stay with me. My only problem with this girl is she is also divorced.
I just feel like she needs to talk to someone who is more pro marriage. I still feel like it will work between us but I would like the people she is talking to to try and encourage her to work it out. I don't think she is hearing that right now. I'm going back to a counselor by myself next week. I asked her to join me she said no. Is there any way to change who she's talking to at this point?
Quote: Is there any way to change who she's talking to at this point?
NO.
Jason, in following DB principles, you will see that it is about changing YOU and your responses to things. It is not about controlling your spouse.
For the best input here, you should give a synopsis of your situation. Maybe there are things that you need to change/fix. In doing so, even if you cannot change who your W talks to, perhaps you will change what it is she is saying!
Quote: Maybe there are things that you need to change/fix. In doing so, even if you cannot change who your W talks to, perhaps you will change what it is she is saying.
I never looked at it that way. I was just so scared of these people encouraging her to leave before I even have a chance to fix things.
As far as my situation, I know there are many things that need to be fixed. I'm trying to work on the things I can change by myself now. I knew we had some issues between us the last year or so. I just wasn't looking at the same issues she was. My main problem (I thought) was my job. I work out of town usually 8 days come home for 6 days. It's a differenet lifestyle every other week for both of us.
My wife's point of view is alot different than mine. She won't talk to much about it but these are issues she has mentioned to me.
1. Anger...I do get angry. I didn't realize it was that bad.
2. Controlling...I didn't see this. But she believes it.
3. Trust..She doesn't trust me to be there for her emotionaly or financially. I didn't know there were any emotional issues. The Finances I take full resposibility for. She doesn't deal with the bills at all. I make good money this shouldn't be an issue. There have been times I just haven't been as responsible as I should have.
There are probably more than this. I do know these are the main ones. My wife blames me for every problem we have. The only thing she accepts responsibility for is not talking to me years ago when these issues started. She's brought things up from 10 years back. We have only been married 11 1/2 years.
She said she put up a wall to keep me from hurting her any more. She has no desire to try and work it out.
I still think there is a chance she will open back up to me. I just have to be patient and show her the changes i've made. A couple of the reasons I believe this is she still cares what I think about her friends. If she's leaving why would she care what I think about them? Like I said I don't even know them. Also she has no job and doesn't seem to be in a hurry to get one. She's had one test/interview in a month. She doesn't seem to be to aggresive in pursuing a divorce. Well hopefully that's enough info to get some more input for a third person.
There are many forms of intimacy. It sounds like some of these can be improved for the two of you. Do you make a lot of decisions together? You are travelling for business, are you the decision maker on the road? You could be carrying that into the marriage. I was, and it caused some of the similar issues that you state.
I used to make the same time frame argument, just let it go. Things happened, and to her, it doesn't matter if it was yesterday or ten years ago. That's just the way it is. I know it's frustrating and don't fall into the trap of trying to defend everything she brings up. Try your best to listen and understand.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding
First, The time frame issue I try not to make an issue of. Like you said I do listen and try to understand. My only problem is her not talking about them with me as they came up. I am trying to let it go. I just keep thinking how much easier this would have been back then.
Secondly, I don't try to make all the dicisions. I usually do because her answer is always the same "I don't care". What do you want to eat? Where do you want to go? It's always "I don't care" or "Whatever you want". I do think this is part of the reason she said i'm controlling. I don't try to be but decision have to be made.
