Although it seems inevitable to me, I have no idea how I will feel. After being married for so long and thinking that this is it.........you haev to wonder??!!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life......I know that is a cheesy saying...but it is, what it is..............enjoy, go forward, laugh and remember that you only have one life.... ((((((Lots of Hugs))))) SA3
Sitting in the breakroom yesterday at work. And a co-worker is talking about how she got a different car as 'severance' pay for 20 years. I just kind of looked at her, not knowing what she was talking about.
She said that two weeks ago, her husband of 20 years had told her that their marriage was over. That she hadn't done anything wrong (perfect wife, etc)..but he was moving on. A few day later, he walked into her workplace, handed her a set of keys, and said here..I just bought you a newer car because you'll need one. She also had gotten a call from a car dealership in this same time period, stating that her husband had been in to see them, and they asked her to forward a message to her husband. That the Corvette he had been asking about WAS for sale. She asked "oh, really..for how much". The little red car was priced at $60K!!!
This guy is 58, and this is his 2nd marriage. He has three grown kids in their early to mid 30s, and a 3 yo granddaughter, who is already asking where her grandpa is.
I told the co-worker that he's playing nice now, but she should be ready to go from the 'perfect' person to the person that has many, many faults. It happens way too often. At first we're not blamed...but as they have to 'explain' themselves to outsiders, they tend to color us a fiends in one way or another.
She seems to be handling it well, and I will stay out of her business. But if she wants to talk, I will let her know some of my story. The important thing is that she not go down the road of feeling wholely responsible for the mess...and that she remembers this is HIS choice, HIS decision, and that she try not to overanalyze, or she will drive herself loco. She needs to concentrate on herself, to protect herself financially if need be, and leave the spouse to pretty much live with the consequences of his decisions.
Of course she asked him if there was 'someone else'...he did protest too much that 'why the H would I want to get involved with anyone else when I just want to be on my own". Mmmmmmmmmmm. Same speech many here have heard? As someone said..it's all from the same script isn't it?
This is so new to her...I am NOT going to unload on her all the things that most of us have seen/heard in our own experiences. And I'm not going to keep telling my story over and over again. But if she wants to talk, I will certainly be there with a sympathetic ear.
I will mention this..while we sat there, another female co-worker who will soon be celebrating her 25th anniversary had mentioned the other day that her husband keeps telling her that he's 'lonely', and wants her to find a different job so that they can spend more time together. I wanted so much to tell her it may be worth the change in the long run, and that she's fortunate that her husband is upfront about his loneliness. So many MLCers keep their feelings and resentment in..at least hers is trying to tell her something.
We all sat there agreeing that it seems to be a MLC epidemic out there right now. Must be all the babyboomers coming of age, huh?
Two weeks post-divorce, and I'm doing 'okay'. Get depressed easily if I let myself. Work keeps me going, but when I'm off, I don't feel like doing much. Need to work on GAL, but it's damn hard after 30 years of 'thinking' you knew your life and the path it would take. This gloomy time of year doesn't help much either.
Be well everyone...and stay strong.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Creed, I will second the notion that an epidemic is upon us. I hear it every where I go. From complete strangers. Just last week, in my gynocologist's office, discussing my situation with her, and she said, "I can't tell you how many of my patients have come in and told me the exact same story lately. It's like there's a bus going around town picking these guys up."
Thanks for the story of your co-worker. It lets us all know we aren't alone, there are so many people out there, who haven't found these boards, are going through the same crappy experience. Sort of like finding the sanity within the insanity.... if you know what I mean. It also proves the point about it not being about us, or caused by something we have done, for it's happening to so many.
As for your post divorce feelings... I had them too. The heaviness will lift as time goes by, along with more positive feelings about your future. Oh sure, I had good days and bad too, sometimes I just knew I was doing fine and just about ready to soar, only to find I tripped over another few bad days, which sometimes seem to come out of no where. We are grieving, for our past, what we knew, what we thought we knew, our homes, our plans, our dreams, our marriages, or what were our dreams and hopes were, before all of this came into our lives. It's all a normal and healthy process, and you are doing fine Honey. Don't you worry, take the time you need.
Try to squelch the desire to break out in a chorus of "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow..." but before long, your life will take on a whole new meaning. Yes, GAL is the best way to over come the feeling of gloom, keeping busy and on the move, allowing little time to get stuck in a rut. We will all find ourselves at the threshold of our new beginnings soon.
My thoughts are with you.... take care, God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Just caught up w/ your news. I think you're handling this extremely well. IKWYM about being prepared to chart the rest of your path solo -- but I think that can still be a happy path. Time will tell.
In the meantime I wonder if you're finding yourself a little ministry, what w/ all these newly LBSs coming out of the woodwork. You know how helpful it is to find someone who understands.
Keep us posted on what you're up to. GAL will come, keep working on it/ thinking about it. If you haven't been doing it, you just need to take a little step out there to start. It doesn't have to cost a lot either. Church functions can be a good place to start, for example. Just get out a little bit, get yourself some connections. There's a whole wide world out there, just waiting for you to find it.
Creed, Just wanted to reply to you. I too think MLC is the disease of the babyboomers. I certainly seem to have strangers opening up to me about their sitch.
Are you hangin' in there? With the "holidays" almost here, I don't know what to think. I'll just have to pretend to be ok. That's all there is to it. What else can we do?
NLF
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
Karen...it's funny, but so many of the LBS are the type that badmouth the WAS terribly to co-workers, so I find it hard to deal with that. I never felt the needs to do that at the beginning of my journey. I still don't feel a strong urge to do that. What does it accomplish.
If they would want to talk about it, without the venom, I would certainly be willing. I just don't want to prolong my own recovery by being dragged into their toxic mindset. It's way too easy to fall into that trap. It's way too easy for a person who is vulnerable and at a less than perfect place in their lives to start absorbing the negative mindset from other people.
I understand their hurt, anger and resentment. Believe me I do. Lately...almost everynight , I have trouble sleeping. Everynight...dreams..and not nice dreams. Of anger. I truly believe I tried to keep myself in control throughout this whole thing...to manage to keep a normal semblence of life at work and with outsiders, that that emotional hurt is now coming out while I'm sleeping. (Sure hope I'm not a sleepwalker!!! LMAO)
NLF
I am having some trouble lately. There are a lot of 'dates' coming out that make me realize what's been lost. My Bday is tomorrow, what would have been our 30th wedding anniversary is on Dec. 4, a few weeks away. I'm planning Thanksgiving with the kids for this week . Both wanted me to do this so that things would be 'normal' again. We all know this will be a different tpe of normal, but it warmed my heart that they feel this way.That this is still 'our' family...and it's their dad that is having to develop his own 'new' family . I wonder what it feels like to not have your 'family' anymore after so many years. Even if he was so unhappy for so many years...what does it feel like making all new memories that don't include what had been years for decades?
There are times at night when I truly realize how alone I am..and it's not something that makes me feel good. I know that I can't and probably won't go looking for another relationship. It will take so long to heal from this one. After more than 30 years, you don't just bounce back. I miss not having someone to share my life with...but I already know what it feels like to be in an unhappy relationship, always having to deal with the other persons issues...and I just don't know if that's something I'd ever want again. Who knows. I sure don't.
I guess I'm doing okay...all things considered. I hope there are great and enjoyable things in my future. If there are, I'll certainly appreciate them. In the meantime, it's hard work ..even now...to realize all that was lost, and try to find the person I was before all of this. I'm not the same anymore, and that's not exactly bad..but I wish I had he sense of security and peace that I use to have. That I will never look for again from a person. I'll be looking to God for that.
Thanks for checking up on me. Work is really getting me down lately...another issue to deal with. It's nice to come here and see 'friends' asking about me. I hope everyone, no matter what phase you might be going through, realizes the support that comes from this place. It's truly a gift.
(Karen...I'm a very introverted person. It's extremely hard for me to think I'll have to make the iniative. Any hints?)
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Just checking in to see how you're doing. What have you been up to? Any news?
I was just reading over the end of your last post. You know, there are so many women here who have come out of their shells post-bomb, be it finding work or careers they never had, taking the "risk" of meeting and becoming close w/ new friends, or taking up new hobbies. I think this new life may force you to do that. Look at calder's threads, she is a good example -- she often notes that she has had to push herself to risk rejection and reach out to others and that yes, sometimes there are disappointments, but the rewards are tremendous. I think if you put yourself into an environment of people w/ common interests it becomes much easier b/c you have that common bond to start with -- for calder, her walking group, for instance. What things turn you on, and what can you do to nurture those interests and gain exposure to others who share your passion? Church? Join a group w/ your parish. Music? Attend local concerts (many are free -- I met one of my best gfs at one just post-bomb). Dance? Okay, I just threw that in there b/c of what it's done for me, -- but again, if that's something you wanted to try, they often have low-cost courses at local schools and Ys. The thing is to think about things that make you smile and take it from there. If you think of something and find yourself thinking oh, but I can't do that b/c [insert excuse here], come back and tell us what it is so we can brainstorm.
Anyway, I hope you will let the joy of this season lift you up.
Good Heavens!!!! It's been 4 months since I posted!!!?
I hope some of the 'old timers' are still lurking, or no one here will remember me.
One month shy of D being final. No communication between him and I..but then there wasn't any through all of this. I try to remember that I don't know what life is like for him behind closed doors, so I shouldn't automatically think he's having the best time of his life with OW..but it's difficult, I'll be honest.
My life hasn't changed much. Tried going out with some girlfriends this weekend, but definitely not my cup of tea (bar scene). So, I will have to try different routes of interest as Karen suggested. But my work schedule makes that extremely difficult. 2nd shift most days, including weekends and some holidays, etc. Doesn't help with a social life to be sure.
I have no idea if sons' relationships with their father has improved, but I doubt it has much other than when they run into each other at bars (both boys DJ, and H and OW are in the bar alot) I wish I saw the boys more. But I also refuse to be the clingy mother. Not trying to be a martyr..just remembering how my MIL operated (snicker-snicker)
I hope with all my heart that old and new members are finding the help and support they need here and in their 'real' lives to deal with what they've been dealt in life. MLC ain't for sissies, that's for sure!! If you weren't strong before, you'll be strong by the time you're through this ordeal!
Love to you all
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I think MLC should be talked about more often because many have not heard of it or think it is some kind of a joke!
Maybe some of the more experienced people around here can send an email to Dr. Phil and ya'll can be on his show discussing this.
It really needs a place in the psych section in the medical profession.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
