After almost 1 year being on shaking ground, my WAW told me 4 weeks ago she would go ahead with D. In desperation I emailed her the WAW article from Michelle to show her that our situation wasnt unique and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But it back-fired offending her to no end. After that I decided to do a 180 and things at home started to be ok, good even. The tension is gone, I am not a moping mess and we get along and have fun as a family even(going out for dinner w/Kids, attending bdays parties, etc). Then, something curious happened, my wife asked if she can read my Div Bust book, I was shocked since she called Michelle all sorts of names because of the article I sent. She even had some good things to say, I think...she called the approach interesting. During this time I was served with D papers and I have been trying to muster all my strength not to revert to pleading w/her to stay. I have continued my 180 and try to be happy but at the same time I let her know that this is not what I want but i respect her wishes. Yesterday, she asked if she can read Div Remedy book. I am very confused by all this, in the meantime i need to respond to the Div summons. Once the negotiations start there are going to be things that we will not agree and I am afraid this process will kill any chance we have to save our marriage. Any advise?
We have been married for 8 yrs, have 2 boys 5&3 which i know are going to be the real victims of this since I am really involved with them. I love my W dearly and have been a good provider and father. What I wasn't was a good husband since I was to busy working, surviving layoffs, grieving for my father during his lengthy illness and recent death and not communicating or being intimate with her. As she has told me I wasnt fun to be around with.
Keep reading the posts here, there are many who have been in your same situation. It sounds like you are handling this the best way possible by being accepting and non-confrontational. Check Just_Me's posts for insight on DB'ing during and after separation/divorce. Also see therabbithole's posts for insight on the WAW mindset. You will find this board a tremendous source of support and ideas, but ultimately giving up control is what seems like it is all about.
John_p Thks for your thoughts...I have been reading the posts you mentioned...and wow, I couldnt relate more! The only difference is that I have gotten past the snooping that was destroying me and truthfully moved onto i can only control "me". I am at peace with this which has enabled me to be more natural at keeping peace and harmony at home. I think this was key on starting the changes which I missed the last time we tried to R. My W did tell she didnt want me to think that the process of D wasnt hurting her because it is. My response was even though I am heartbroken it is happenning and that I respected her wishes. I also said that I am struggling with my feelings between not wanting to put more pressure on her and me acting as if nothing were happening. I didnt want her to get the wrong message. She thanked me for saying so. She also "asked" me if it were ok for her to go on a trip for a change of scenery, she needs a breather. I not only agreed but encouraged her. Am I worried that she will be unfaithful, not really. This doesnt consume me like it did before. I truly believe she needs to get away from all this. Again thanks for your support a good luck!
Yes, the letting go is the terrifying part. It was on a trip to NYC with old high school friends that my wife realized that she wanted to separate. I've done all the wrong things and all the right things since then and honestly I'm just trying to let go right now.
I think that one thing that is very tricky with WAW's is the need to be loving without pressuring. So many of us LBS's were guilty of neglecting our spouses needs and it seems pretty ironic that by trying so hard to meet them now, we may be pushing them further away.
Something that I still struggle with after nearly 9 months since the bomb and 6 months of struggling to DB is that ultimately, we can't really fix this, but we really can screw it up by not DB'ing.
