What makes a HD feel wanted?

[CeMar]

Barney:

That's probably not fair, but I still want it.

Why is this not fair? Tell her what you need, then it is entirely up to her.

[chocolateeyes]

Hiya, Barn. First of all, my condolences on the passing of Don Knotts. What a tremendous physical comedian, and what a great show!

To your question, I know what it is for me, but I could never answer my wife that question either. But it's the look in her eyes, and it's the way she kisses me.

Neither of those two things can be faked, and they are the two things I miss the most. More than the sex, more than her telling me some "words of affirmation" because she knows I need to hear them.

Hope that helps,

Choc.

"I can't definite "pornography," but I know what it is when I see it." (Potter Stewart)

[Lillieperl]

Barn, this is the million dollar question for sure. The best lover I ever had treated my body as his playground... and I loved it. I can walk up to my bf topless and he will fondle my breasts for a few seconds, say "nice," then go back to working on the computer.

The only time I have ever experienced desire from him is, alas, back when he was drinking. Don't want to go back to THAT.

[barneyf1fe]

CE,

I think I know what it is for me, too, but there's no way I would risk saying it. It wouldn't matter and it would feel like I had given away something sacred.

Lillie,

I like the way you put it, "...treated my body as his playground". That's what I was trying to say, but not nearly as well.

Thanks to both of you for understanding.

[karen1]

Barney,

Just wanted to say hi. I have no real advice other than to ask whether you and NG are getting counseling. Also, do you give what you are hoping to get from NG. Do you give her your enthusiastic, unbridled participation in something important to her?

Karen

[Greeneyedlass]

Barney,

I hate to tell you this....but as you already know, you have no control over NG and her feelings. I completely understand what you are saying in that you want her to want sex, but you don't know that she doesn't, especially when she's telling you she does. People express their feelings/desires so very differently, some of us (like you and I and other HD's on this BB) are very open about expressing a desire for sex with their partners. Then of course there are others like NG (myself in the past) and my H who are very subtle...almost to the point of us missing their cues.

So...what's my point? Just because she doesn't show it the way you might or the way you want her to doesn't mean she doesn't want it, and doesn't want YOU.

I'm going to go way back into my LD days here for ya....my XH used to get that morning wood all the time. I got so used to it, I often didn't even notice it after a certain point....know what? That wasn't a comment on his masculinity or anything other than...it was just a part of the morning. Not to mention that anytime I'd see my H erect like that I'd think "pressure" because I had been pressured about sex for so long. I know now that just because he had an erection that didn't necessarily mean he wanted sex, but in my LD mind at the time....I thought if I commented or paid attention to his erection that he'd expect sex from me....and I'm not much of a morning sex person. Sure, today I'll do it, but back then....uh huh!

So....now having said all that fun stuff. When you say NG does say she wants you, but you can't get past the evidence....you are looking for evidence that you know you could recognize, her commenting on it, playing with it...something fairly blatant I'm thinking right? So....have you asked NG how she shows you she WANTS you? What are her signals...no matter how subtle? NG...if you're reading, perhaps you can tell him, "these are things I do that you can interperet as "WANT/DESIRE."

NG....you might also find you have to step outside of your comfort zone in your displays of desire and do some things that in the past you might not have. Don't worry, I'm not telling you, you have to become the wanton sex goddess I am just that it would be helpful to Barn to have something somewhat tangible he could recognize as your physical attraction to him. Remember the more frequently you do something the less uncomfortable for you it becomes. Heck, that's pretty much what I did to get past some of my inhibitions....at some point you take one thing and you do it until you aren't uncomfortable with it anymore....whether that's caressing that morning wood a bit, or using some terminology you never would have....or simply turning to Barn and flat-out asking if he'd like a BJ (or as my H likes to call it "a goodnight kiss"...see there are things you can say that are code just between the two of you as well that don't come across so offensive for you to say either). What I'm hearing from Barn is that you say you do want him, but whatever signals you are sending his way are way far too subtle for him to catch. I'd really love to hear your side on this though. Could you share with us some of the things you do to show desire for him?

Barn...for you, you may find you have to alter your perceptions a bit too as to how someone shows desire. This is a place where the two of you truly can come to some compromises. I'll use my H and I as an example here if you don't mind. You've probably read on my post that one night I rolled over and asked my H if he'd like a BJ....well that got a really shocked response out of him. Barn, you'd probably love it if NG would do that, but NG might not be comfortable saying that. Well the following day my H was thanking me for what I had done, but he subtley brought up the fact that he'd be more comfortable with me using the terminology "goodnight kiss". He didn't flat-out state that, but I did ask if he'd prefer that and he said he would. So I agreed and told him "that's fine with me, as long as we both know what it means when it's said." There's a nice side to using that "code" just between the two of us too....because now we can say that when we aren't alone, we both know what we are talking about, and it's an excellent way for us to flirt and let the other know what we are thinking in a crowd of people. He's since used that terminology with me, I understood it.....and it works for us. Things can still be subtle so NG can be comfortable but still sexual enough for Barn to easily get the signal.

Would something like that work for you two?

GEL

[Chrissy]

I am going to go in a little bit a different direction with this.

Barn have you ever indicated that things like that morning wood and so forth have anything to do with ng and that you are actually in a sexual mood for her?

My meaning most males I have known wake up with that down to my sons even in there infantial stages. As female you get as use to seeing your mate in that state in the mornings as a male is waking up with it.
Alot of males say it is not even a sexual thing but with stroking it it can take them to a sexual aroused state. So how is ng suppose to define the mornings when it is just a morning woodie or out of desire/true want to have sex with her? Do you give little indicators to her so she can know you are hot for her or do you just want her to take on a feel test every morning to gauge your reaction.

With my H it is fairly easy to tell. If he gets up and pees and it is gone it was not he was aroused for me/sex. If he gets up and pees and its still there when he comes back to bed or returns quickly well then it is about wanting me/sex.
But usually he will let me know in other ways also. Leaving the guessing game out of it.

I also wonder just what it is that ng could due to show you she desires to have sex with you. What in your minds eye you would see as indicators that she truely wants you.
Is it braizen actions and words you want instead of the more mild actions or words.
I want you to do this to me right now vs well if you want to do this to me sometime that would be okay type of talk or actions that you are seeking. I can understand that. A show of impending need now not a forthought for future times.
Example
If my H was to say to me. Gosh right now I would really like to have sex with you and do it from behind. I would could find that hot. Over a statement of sometime when we have sex I would like to do it from behind. Both show he is thinking about sex and what he would like to do but the first shows a stronger need and desire with a burning need/urgency behind it. The second statement is to timid to be hot IMO.

I have seen a lot of people speak of wanting to know there spouses to desire them. And often wonder if that lack of urgency and show of immediate uncontrollable soul defining need is what they are longing to see in there spouse.
So I thought I would put it out there.

[Baltoman]

Chrissy is right, you may be getting signals and missing them.

Women, please hear this. Men are simple creatures. We do not get hints and the times that we do we tend to be too ticked off that you are not just coming out and saying it for us to do whatever you were hinting about. If you want something ask for it. Take my wife, please (rimshot). Once we were planning to ML that evening. Nothing was said about it all night and she came over and kissed me and told me she was going upstairs to bed. Exactly like she had done the previous 15 nights. Yet somehow I was supposed to interpret this exact same action to mean something different. By the time I got it sorted out I had such a bad attitude that it just wasn't going to happen.

It isn't just about sex with this hinting. Another example (not that I'm picking on my W or anything). My W is recovering from surgery. I have asked her what needs to be done around the house. When she tells me of something, I'll do it. She still has an attitude when I don't do something that she normally does around the house (dusting for instance) because at one time she said that some things are done periodically. ARRRGH!!! If you want something done ASK!!!! Ok, I'm better now.

[darlingnicky]

I have seen a lot of people speak of wanting to know there spouses to desire them. And often wonder if that lack of urgency and show of immediate uncontrollable soul defining need is what they are longing to see in there spouse.

Nicely stated Chrissy. There is something about having to ask for a hug, kiss, S, whatever, that although the OP is doing it because they love us and know that is what we would like, there is no meaning behind it. I don't want to have to ask. I want that OP to want that with me. Perhaps this is a porblem of incompatibility.

Just my two cents.
Nicky

[barneyf1fe]

Gel, Chrissy, et al,

I think I left the wrong impression with my morning wood statement. I don't expect her to make my condition the sign of her interest, although I can't imagine walking past her with hard nipples showing through her shirt without commenting. I know we show interest in different ways.

Someone asked how I'd like her to let me know she's interested. How about her sitting naked on the bathroom counter with one leg propped up rubbing her squishy bits saying, "I've been thinking about you all day?" {Now we'll return to reality.}

I don't really care what signal she gives. It's like Choc said, "It's the look in her eyes and felt in her kisses." I'm not the "do-it-my-way-or-else" guy that I come off as here on the BB.

I just don't know how to live "in between." I'm either all in or sitting out. The hardest place for me is to act like having sex too infrequently and without feeling wanted is ok. That's what leaves me open to the attention I get from other women and internet temptations. Thank God I don't have someone offering everyday to be my sex slave like Karen! I don't know what I'd do then.

It's easier for me to just seperate myself from it altogether. That's when my "give a da*n" breaks. Then I stop caring if I'm HD or not. At that point, the attention I get is irrelevant and sexual stimulation becomes simply a matter of biology. (I personally think MoJo's recently posted success came from her "give a da*n" breaking, too.) That's been a defensive manuever and has kept me from being the pig I could be.

I don't require her to talk dirty for me. If she was verbal when we did ML, that would help me, but it doesn't have to be what she thinks is dirty. I don't require her to be a gymnast in bed, either. I would like her to want some variety, but I guess everyone has their favorite ways of doing it no matter how many ways you try.

I've caught a lot of grief for afterward telling NG that the sex didn't really do it for me. I wasn't trying to say that she was lousy in bed, although that's what she heard, I was saying that she didn't have (or show me) that look in her eyes. I'm sure I could have said it better than I did, but it really was an attempt to stay engaged rather than withdraw from the game. I can't be a good guy by pretending that something is what it's not.

If she asked me if I wanted a BJ (or "goodnight kiss") that wouldn't do much for me. But if she said, she had been wanting to give me one, it would. If she said that she wanted me to "kiss her goodnight" or ride me into the sunset, that would do it, too, rather than asking if I wanted to.

My attempts at saying this have been dismal failures. I've caused a lot of hurt for NG. That I didn't intend to doesn't change the fact of the hurt. I just don't know how to communicate this. And, frankly, I don't know what good it will do if I ever get it across. Can you really make yourself "want" someone?

I want things to be great with NG. But my expressing my desire has failed so consistently that I'm tempted to have a Blackfoot moment in feeling unworthy of having something great with. It's much easier to leave my "give a da*n" broken.