In spite of my well documented failures, NG and I are trying to work some things out. She has asked me the $Million question: "What would I have to do to make you (me) feel wanted?
I'm working through the fear of not feeling wanted by her doing what I tell her. (The "She's only doing that because I told her, not because she wants to/me" feeling.) I'm having trouble putting into words what it would take to make me feel wanted. I don't want to be negative and focus on the things that made me feel un-wanted, and I told her so. I'm trying to be clear, but careful in how I tell her.
If this had come up just a few years ago, I would have answered something regarding frequency and variety, but NG has made some significant moves my direction in those areas during that time. What I now know is that I'm looking for more than that. I'm looking for intensity (that's not the right word for what I mean, but I don't know a better one). I'm trying to say that I need something emotional, too.
Welcome back. Ok...when she does do something for you and you feel like perhaps she's doing it because you told her to and not because she wants to ..... does she tell you that she's doing it because she wants to?
If so, well Barn...I think you need to start learning to accept that what she says is true. If (and I don't know that NG has said this) she tells you she wants to do xyz, even though in the past you've TOLD her that's what you need/want....you need to learn to accept that she really does want to do it for you.
Now if your trying to deal with that PITA thing of....but I want her to "desire" these things....or have an emotional prompting to do these things....you need to remember, she does these things because she loves you. People constantly battle with wanting someone else to feel the way they feel...well, the reality is you will never really know that they feel the same way you feel about something. They can tell you they do, but would you believe them....really? Because, how would you truly know?
If this had come up just a few years ago, I would have answered something regarding frequency and variety, but NG has made some significant moves my direction in those areas during that time. What I now know is that I'm looking for more than that. I'm looking for intensity (that's not the right word for what I mean, but I don't know a better one). I'm trying to say that I need something emotional, too.
Most of that could have been written by me so I can relate to what you are going through. It's that inexplainable "desire" that you want from your S that has nothing to do with frequency. Intensity was a good word. You want to feel Wanted and not that your S is simply doing it because they should. Am I close?
I don't think there is anything my H can do at this point to MAKE me feel wanted. I think I need to change MY perception of his actions. So your advice to barney was good. Attitude adjustment is helpful. Acceptance of the person for who they are is critical.
There were some posts related to affairs, about another person making someone feel something and/or some way. The observation of the poster was that those feelings you like, that you think come from a sole-mate, are already in you, and the relationship you have with the OP, NG in this case, somehow facilitates the expression of those feelings. So when NG asks "What would I have to do to make you (barn) feel wanted? might relate to, what conditions have to be in place for you to feel wanted.
Do you feel emotionally safe with NG. If you do, is that safe feeling for the long term or is she or you going to work on things for a while and then it is back to the old way.
Because I don't know enough about where you two are at this time, I would say to accept what she offers you and trust things will improve until the trust (your imagined level of trust) is improved.
I can tell you from my experiences with BB, the "believing things will work" is taking a long time. I will also say I still have a difficult time asking for what I want sometimes, especially when I know "wants" her wants are some times different or opposite of what I want.
Sometimes it is difficult to determine what is fair ( that leads to feeling wanted) for both spouses.
I see the biggest thing you can do right now is to work the forum for all of the good ideas and input that are available.
Don't worry about finding the "right" word. If you fist word or idea is close to what you want, you or someone can work it over to improve it and hopefully find a word or an idea that is closer to what you really want. Lots of version 2.0's that get replaced by version 2.2's.
Sometimes you have an idea in your mind but it does not play out IRL like you hoped it would. Sort of liking a color, and when you paint the whole room, it does not turn out the way you imagined.
Barn and NG hitting it off. Wow. Now that is a color that looks good.
This is a question I have been long debating with my wife. I suppose you read my thread on feminism and how women can affect the man’s sense of intimacy. To me, there is an issue of walking a very fine line. I believe needing some affirmation from your spouse can be healthy, helping to reaffirm bonds, maintain intimacy and the like. Not enough affirmation and the spouse can feel neglected. Too much and the spouse can become a little lazy, take things for granted, maybe even become a little codependent. The balance is in finding the right amount that allows both spouses to gain, from the giving as well as from the receiving.
So what I am saying is that your statement should not just address your simple needs (like one of the 5 LLs, at some superficial level) but provide an opening into your soul, that allows her to help heal a wound, a missing part of you, in a way that no one else can do as completely as her, and not because you cannot do it yourself, but simply because you surrender this part of you to her and you want her to be an integral part of you. Ask he to do something for you that can be a choice for the both of you and not something you hang onto out of neediness. Find something within you that open up to receiving, something that will mean as much to her to give as it does for you to receive.
Unfortunately I have no clue exactly what that might be, but I hope you do!
Yes, this is the million dollar question. What is happening is that she is approaching the problem incorrectly. She is trying to address your sexual needs, which will NOT solve the problem. The only true solution is that she must create the need for sex in herself. (See the His needs Her Needs workbook). You don't need sex, you need a women that needs sex.
It does not matter what the need is in marriage, if one spouse must "Work" at it, eventually the other spouse will basically seek other ways of gewtting that need met, or they will drop that need and increase their resentment.
I've been thinking alot about what you posted for a few days. First of all, let me assure you that I want to be accepting of what NG says and does. The problem isn't with my desire to do and say the right thing, just in carrying it out.
She does say that she wants to do what I want and she does say that she wants me. I just can't seem to get past the evidence. For example, I thought for years that she turned me down and rejected my ideas was because she didn't like sex, and I told her so. She has strongly denied that. Ok...so if she really likes sex then it must be me. I don't know what else to think.
When she says she wants me, I think she's saying that she loves me, wants us to be close, wants an affectionate relationship with hugging and kissing, and that of course will lead to sex. I want all of that, too.
What I can't seem to get across is that I need her to want me sexually. To be pointed about it, I need her to want my d*ck! I need her to want to use me for her personal and selfish sexual satisfaction. I don't see anything unloving about that, and frankly, that would make me the most romantic man on the planet.
I've told her that. Her reply has been, "But I do!" But she often walks by my morning wood without acknowledgment and always without contact. She did rub on me in the hotel a few weeks ago (as she said in her thread), but it seems to only be in "coreographed" or scheduled situations.
My dilema is that I'm not convinced that what I want is possible or fair to her. It's like making your kids eat a bite of broccoli every so often because it's good for them. That's understandable and good parenting. But it's different to expect a grown adult to start liking broccoli when they really don't.
CeMar said something true when it come to my desires. "I don't need sex, I need NG to need sex!" It goes even further for me. I need NG to need me for the sex she needs! That's probably not fair, but I still want it.
Thank you for your responses. I should have addressed my reply to you as well as GEL. I think I covered most of your points in that post. Please forgive me for not acknowledging you earlier.
I appreciate your thoughts and any help you can give.
For example, I thought for years that she turned me down and rejected my ideas was because she didn't like sex, and I told her so. She has strongly denied that. Ok...so if she really likes sex then it must be me. I don't know what else to think.
I need her to want to use me for her personal and selfish sexual satisfaction. I don't see anything unloving about that, and frankly, that would make me the most romantic man on the planet.