Since Cobra and Nicegal hijacked my previous thread, I thought I would start a new one.
I attempted to take a page out of GEL’s book last night and asked hubby if he would like a BJ. We were flirting a little bit and I was sitting on his lap facing him, and we were talkin' a little dirty to each other. I could feel him starting to "twitch"... it seemed like a perfect opportunity, so I thought I'd go for it. He said "NO!"...and not a "Hunny, I'm just not in the mood." It was a "No" that screamed, "What are you, nuts?"
So, I tried to be like, your loss, not mine. And mumbled something to the effect that I have never heard of a guy turning down a BJ. So, that escaladed into an argument about him just not being in the mood and me saying, well all you have to do is lay there and enjoy it. I know I probably didn't handle this the right way, but being turned down twice in one week is a blow to the ego. I tried to initiate ML on Tuesday and that ended up with me huffing off to bed as well.
AHHH…WTF? I wish he had some kind of “sex-o-meter” so that I knew what the likely hood of getting a yes out of him was. I know this line of thinking is not productive. But I feel like such a heel being the one always asking for sex. Like there is something wrong with ME?
We did have an interesting conversation about porn though. I did get the balls to ask him if he looked at it. He said that he used to but hasn’t in a long time. Which is a lie, cause I was tracking him. He then proceeded to tell me a whole bunch of crap about men and porn. I guess I believe some of it, but it mostly sounded like crap to me. I am not quite sure how to process that yet.
Happy Friday everybody! Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I think it is great you asked your H. I think it is sad he did not come clean. There within lies a problem. So what was the tone of the over all conversation. Did you sound open to him viewing porn? Did he sound uncomfortable talking to you about this?
Just wondering why he felt comfortable enough to say he use to but not that he still does on occassion.
One more thing did the BJ offer come before or after this convo? If it was after maybe he was a little put off because of guilt for his own deciet.
I agree with Chrissy on this. Your H has admitted to looking at porn before, but not currently....but you know he's currently looking at it....yet he's hiding that from you, why?
I maintain...porn as long as it's not hidden and both people benefit from it is not a problem....hiding it and turning your spouse down at the same time....that's a problem. I'd continue monitoring his activity Nicky....to at the very least find out how often he does view it in comparison to how often he's active with you.
As for how you handled his rejection of your offer, had I been in your shoes here's how I might have handled that. I'd have said something like "man honey, do you have any idea how many guys would just jump at the chance if their W offered them a BJ?....I'm giving you the opportunity to be the envy of every guy at work ya know!;)" The key I've found is to make the statements lighthearted and non-threatening. I know, that's not so easy to do when you are feeling rejected....but if you make it sound like there's something wrong with him....you certainly won't stand any chance at getting him in the mood...whereas putting it in the light like I mentioned....gives him the opportunity to think "hey she's right, what am I nuts?!" and then take you up on your offer. It's in the approach. You had the opportunity to kind of diffuse the situation, but mumbling under your breath what you did (although quite tempting, I'll grant you that.) escalated the situation and he became defensive instead.
Just some thoughts....I'm certainly not the authority here.
The porn talk came first. It came up becuse a very good friend of mine as come over to talk becuase her and her husband are going thru what GEL is going thru right now. For them it's been 5 years of lies. I thought that it would be a good time to bring it up since she was there and it didn't seem "out of the blue".
I was very open about the viewing of it. Admitted that although I don't look at pictures (not a visual person, sexually), i do look for erotica/literature, etc... It seemed like a good conversation...it lead to me on his lap and a little dirty talk...
I think he was afraid that if he said that he looks at it now, I would have a problem with it. I also said that I understand sometimes you just want that release with out all the stuff that goes on with it. I feel that way too, sometimes. But I asked him why he thought some guys would rather MB alone with porn that have a real person. He then asked me if I ever saw a guy married to an ugly girl. I said of course...he said, there's your answers...guys do prefer a warm body over porn. HuH"?
I think you may have something with him dealing with the guilt of looking and lying to me. I think part of it is that he is uncomfortable with sex and what is "right" vs "wrong". He is hung up on what is supposed to be normal. That will be a wall to break down over time I guess.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Hmmm I am now wondering what was the tone of your friends attitude towards porn and the whole situation she/he is going through.
Maybe your H did not want to get in that boat while still supporting the maleness of it. Hence the I use to but don't now. He acknowledges it is normal but does not leave himself open to be labled one of those guys. If your H is not secure in telling you he views it I doubt he is going to admit in under the circumstances the conversation came up in and in front of another.
I really feel you have two choices to get past this and not let the lies build about it build up between you. You can either A confront it as Gel did. Her H did not own up he got caught. But he is learning that she excepts him as is and it is opening up a whole new phase in there relationship. B. You can slowly bring him to a comfortable place and make him realize he has nothing to hide IE again showing exceptance. It may take a night of you saying honey I have a treat for us tonight and pull off a few drinks and a porn movie out of the blue. Make it relaxing and excepting and comming from you. But I think that just like with Gels husband as long as they feel they have this dirty little secret and something about them selfs they don't feel you will except as a normal part of them, It will always hinder your sexual relationship. Gels H seems to be a living example of the truth will set you free. He is becoming free to be his own sexual being.
Your response. What would I have done differently I would have laughed reached down between his legs and messed a minute and said well then guess thats your lose. Being playfull while yet still opening up the situation to go farther. Basically I would have turned up the heat while keeping the air light. Yes I do not have a history in my relationship of being turned down. So maybe I don't understand this concept of feeling hurt by it. But maybe I don't have a long history of it because I don't get my feelings hurt and take no's more into the mind set of I bet I can change your mind. A challenge or a game maybe not won today but mmmm would it motivate me to keep trying. I am very competitive. I joined the army just because I wanted to prove I could make it through basic training. I tryed out for many sports just to prove I could endure it. I have taken jobs just to prove I can do them. (sadly once I prove my point even to myself I get bored and am ready to move on). So I like challenges. Hell maybe thats why I stay in this dead end relationship. The saying you cannot make something out of nothing I want to prove that wrong.
Any how enough of my babble Hope you have a good day
Quote: I'd have said something like "man honey, do you have any idea how many guys would just jump at the chance if their W offered them a BJ"
My bf has responded negatively to this type of comment because what he hears is "OTHER men would take me up on this, OTHER men would be interested, if YOU'RE not, then there's something wrong with YOU," i.e., they're better than you are.
I agree...if the comment was left as you quoted it, it could be taken that way. That's why I would throw in the rest of the statement I put out there about him being the envy of the guys at work Simply because that way the comment is directed at him and not so open to...I'm going to go do this with someone else if you don't want it. kwim?
I also say no to the idea of telling H how many other guys would kill to have that offer. Trust me, BTDT. Doesn't work. Only would make the man feel worse. Learn from others mistakes. Sorry I can't help with the rest of it, the porn issue. There's another place where I say, wish my H was "normal" and look at porn like most guys but maybe I should count my blessings he doesn't. And it's not that he won't look for any sort of religious reasons or even sexual inhibition reasons. I think he is just to PC for it. Buys into the whole degrading to women/feminist angle. Maybe I should hook him up with Hairdog's W, they would get along splendidly
Hi Nicky, I am wondering what the other guys think about this. In the past when my H has objected to me coming on strong it has been because he wants to be the “aggressor”, he does not want me to take the lead he does not see it as “manly” to let the woman do that.
It is hard to tell what the exact dynamic of the situation was, I think maybe GEL’s approach of just TOTAL SURPRISE was more effective than introducing it in a situation where there was already some lead up going on. Maybe he took it as a rejection? Maybe thinking that what seemed to him like a warm up session to some serious LM was being short-circuited to a quick BJ? Just my tuppence worth.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
You know, the more I think about what happened that night, the more I am inclined to think that if the idea hasn't come from his own mind, than it's just not happening. The kissing and stuff was okay, but that's all he intended to happen. Me asking him if he wants a BJ probally just put the spoils on what was supposed to be an intimate moment that doesn't have to lead to anything sexually (what I have been trying to explain to him all along, look at me going and breaking all the rules)
Now Saturday turned out to be a great afternoon...he has it planned in his head we would ML during naptime and all went well
The spontaneous ML thing is not where we are at yet. I dont' think we are at a place where it can "just happen". Although H is not the dominate type, he likes me to take charge of sex, he definitely likes to be in control of when.
OVerall it was a good weekend. I hope everyone has a good weekend too!
And thanks for thinking about me Chrissy!
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Simply because that way the comment is directed at him and not so open to...I'm going to go do this with someone else if you don't want it. kwim?
