Well yesterday didn't go as planned, it went better.
Yesterday morning I taught an anti bullying class for a group of kids in the local mentoring program. It was an exciting high energy class. I was very excited and happy with the message I got across. Since I teach a very aggressive and violent art it is sometimes hard to get across to liberal types that this can really help the kids. However i got that message across loud and clear. The group was ecstatic.
So as planned I headed out the door immediatly after class. I had stated that I was going the day before and made certain that it was understood that it was to be just me. So out the door behind me comes my wife, with a gym bag in hand. She says "I want to go" and in the gym bag she has packed another set of clothes for the both of us. So right then this stray dog shows up. We catch him but have no place to put him safe while we go. She says she'll stay to take care of him but I can tell she really doesn't want to. We end up dropping the dog at a friends and going.
So the event we go to is good. Afterwards I take her to a favorite restaurant and the rest of the group goes along. We're having a great time and in the middle of it all she calls me Honey!!! Just in a casual sentence amid all the conversations going on. I was so shocked I don't even know what the sentence was. Haven't heard her call me that in a very long time.
I'm thinking that was a safe place for her to do that. There were a lot of people at the table and I had to act like it was nothing. Is she really that planning and smart or did it just slip out at that time cause she was feeling good about things. I think I know the answer.
I was thinking the same thing. things were stagnant. Good but not moving forward. But I have changed my mind. There are a large number of variables at play. I think I have a pretty good handle on most of them.
One of the most important aspects is that she is still searching for her. But she has decided she can be whole and be with me. They are not exclusive of each other.
The makeup thing is intriguing me. She bought makeup from a tv commercial. Everyone is givving her a hard time about it. My normal response to it would be "you don't need it" said in a loving way. However I changed that. Another woman was giving her a hard time about it. I break in and say "She's gorgeaus without it and I'm sure she's gorgeaus with it" The woman turns and says "wow, you treat her like a woman and a black belt". My wife doesn't say a word and that's a good thing.
So this whole duality thing is what I'm very very interested it. I think she's toying with it. Can she be the strong business woman and the loving wife. Strong and also tender.
This morning the commercial comes on about the makeup. We joke a little about it and I suggest that maybe she try it on tonight for fun. The answer wasn't no.
It's been 75 days since she moved back in. Seems like a long time and things have moved very very slowly forward. But they have been forward.
She's very cautious and she's also very stubborn. These two things are keeping it slow. But forward is forward.
Quote: So this whole duality thing is what I'm very very interested it. I think she's toying with it. Can she be the strong business woman and the loving wife. Strong and also tender.
This caught my eye because I've been discussing fairy tales with my students. In one article, we read about "The Cinderella Complex," a book by Collette Dowling that came out in the 80s. Essentially, what she says is that women have been socialized to be dependent, but are afraid of dependence. So many are propelled forward by a fear of dependence rather than independence. I had never thought of those two things as different, but they are, b/c independence is a product of choice and slef-reliance.
I wonder if it bothers your W to be seen as too feminine. I think we often equate femininity with weakness, which to my mind, is wrong. Still, we are a society that views intuition and compassion with less regard than the more traditional masculine traits of action and power.
I'm glad that she called you "honey," and I'm looking forward to that day myself!
Nic
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Quote: propelled forward by a fear of dependence rather than independence. I had never thought of those two things as different, but they are, b/c independence is a product of choice and slef-reliance.
Very thought provoking. They are very differrent things, as a matter of fact I think they are opposites Fear of dependence is a weakness independence is a strength.
Well so much for me trying to do things without her. I tried this weekend but she wants to go everywhere with me. Not a bad thing. We just stopped in here at home for a moment and we're off again.
I think she may be fearful of some aspects of femininity. But not all. She loves to throw on high heels and a sexy dress. Loves how powerful she feels. Likes to feel taller.
She's a head turner in a black dress and high heels. She also loves that other women hate her for her body. She's in spectacular shape.
She likes to be a powerful woman. Although early on in our troubles I would say that she was losing herself in the relationship. Being next to a powerful man was not a good thing. I think that now that has changed and she wants to be a powerful woman next to a powerful man. She loves it when I am authorative towards others and possibly towards her at times.
I'm pretty laid back but I am finding that sometimes it is far easier to just say what I mean and tell people what I expect of them. When I do handle situations that need to be handled with firmness. She goes out and brags about it. Loves to tell other women.
She enjoys her day at the hair dresser. She comes back all made up. She loves looking great. Part of it is she just doesn't really know how to put on makeup and she's not the type to enjoy going to those girlie make up parties. It's just not her.
I told her she should experiment with it tonight. Maybe she will. She does seem a little curious.
Not only is it not like her to buy makeup. But it's really not like her to buy something from a TV commercial. She's really very thrifty. Her family grew up very poor and she's picked up her mother's thriftiness. Although we've been spending a fortune on going out to dinner lately. Something we never used to do. Plus it's the investment in the relationship that I see it as.
Hey Xue you are doing what I want for Nicola you are planning to go do something without any particular invite for w and what happens she is inviting herself along because she wants to be with you
GALing is about being interesting and doing stuff that the other person wants to be involved in the whole idea behind it is that they show interest well our w jumped from the showing interest stage to just going along how great that she feels comfortable enough to just follow you as if it is unspoken that she comes if she wants
if you take a look around not many people put makeup on very well - and it is a confident woman with great self-esteem that can walk around without it happy in who she is but that same confident woman can put on the makeup and know that she looks great with it
the trick is finding out what suits you - and making it look natural - highlighting the good bits
personally I like the whole oxymoron thing bj - bernie is a female who looks like a female but who drives a monster beast and who will turn up to some supersonic professional meeting with her hair up and curls falling in her eyes wearing a business suit with an eyebrow ring then she will sit there and listen and when she speaks oh my god what is that coming out of her mouth she is so intelligent but yesterday she was covered in mulch and looked really funny while trying to drill holes for window locks at her girlfriends place
next time you two go out you ought to make it at the kind of place that calls for nice dressing and makeup practice makes perfect
she likes to look great but her job doesn't call for that if she put on the makeup at work she is so serious about what she does it would run you need to have makeup places to go to
only a strong independent person can be dependent on someone and know that they are independent anyway
Quote: you are doing what I want for Nicola you are planning to go do something without any particular invite for w and what happens she is inviting herself along because she wants to be with you
Clearly, Xue's W has more interest in being with him than my H does with me. I do plenty of interesting things that he knows about (go to shows and things), but he certainly never asks to join me. Mind you, having kids does make things more difficult b/c one of us always has to have them.
Re. the make-up: I've never been very good at doing fancy stuff either, and often don't wear it all. I've only recently started wearing it every day to work and when H is coming over! I just use a little bit of foundation to even out my skin, a bit of blush and some powder to keep it on, some lipstick or gloss. If I'm really going all-out, I'll use one colour eye shadow and mascara. It's actually pretty easy when you keep it to a minimum. Problem is, makeup artists usually use tons of stuff even for the natural look, so it can be intimidating to even get them to show you how to put it on. Also, a lot of kits just have too much stuff in them, which is also overwhelming.
Maybe the two of you could have a make-up party!!
N
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Yes I will bring her somewhere where we need to dress up. that's a great idea.
There was a time when she wouldn't even be around me alone. One of the main reasons we got so attached to our adopted daughter is because my W didn't want to be alone with me so she brought her along all the time. She would bring her over for dinner every night. This started prior to dropping the bomb.
Then around last November she didn't want to be around me at all. She came to work but as little as possible and we had no interactions. I would find whatever excuse I could find just to spend a minute or two with her. Eventually we would spend more and more time together. Now we are rarely apart. I'm trying to go do things on my own but she always ends up coming. Which I like but I do know that spending time apart makes things more interesting.
Last night we worked outside in the yard until late. It was refreshing.
Still in separate beds but I can say things are definetely more comfortable than they were even a week or so ago. Not where I want to be but still sigs of moving closer.
Which such little steps how will we take that one big step that needs to be taken?
She was a very sexual woman before we were married. Before the bomb it had been continually decreasing. Said she didn't feel like it anymore and didn't know what was wrong with her. I am pretty certain she is still very sexual although it's been nearly two years. I may have noticed evidence to that fact. So I'm not worried about anything physiological.
Was just browsing thru Piecing (because I think this will now become my new home) and saw your posting! After reading thru them, all I can say is CONGRATULATIONS! Sounds like things are really going well for you, albeit slowly.
My H moved out in December 2005 and has just recently come back home in pretty much the same manner as your wife - has never really "said" moving back in, but more and more of his things are here. Yes, there are still lots of items in the other location, but the "necessities" are here.
Also, like your wife, my H "says" things to indicate he is staying. But I'm sure the most frustrating part for you and I both is that they won't actually just come out and say it!
Yes, lots of positive things happening. And just like you, sometimes I feel the need to push. That's when things seem to tense up. I MUST learn to stop the pushing. As you said, when I just sit back and wait, that is when it happens.
Sorry about the couch situation - know how difficult that must be for you. My H and I are sleeping in the same bed (we always have - even when fighting) and sex continues as usual. BUT - the "romance" is not really there.
My H has always fancied himself the Big Romantic Guy! Love notes, poems, etc. ALL the time. Sometimes even annoyingly so. Unfortunately, I didn't appreciate them and got to the point of expecting them all the time. It literally became a 'chore' for him and of course, no fun anymore.
So now we are "seemingly" back together, but that romantic guy is gone. We've talked about it, and he always says that he "just doesn't feel it anymore and doesn't think out it." OUCH - that really hurts, but I guess I deserve it.
I have been in counseling since November 2005 and it has helped me a GREAT deal. And tonight is H's first counseling! Took him a long time to agree to go, but the waiting has paid off and he's ready! Actually, he was going with me before back in November when our troubles started, but gave up after three sessions. Got real stubborn and mad that nothing had changed in three bi-weekly sessions. (Gee - imagine that! No changes in only three sessions! )
So anyway, tonight is his first session (individual, of course - same counselor, but we are now doing individual sessions - when we are both ready, they will go to 'together' sessions). he is actually excited about it, which makes me excited about it. Believe it or not, he is anxious to see why he no longer feels romantic. He says he wants to be, but just doesn't feel like it, you know?
So, don't be sad about no intimacy. When it happens, it will be perfect, I'm sure. I almost wish we didn't have it, because as in your situation, we are getting along more like best friends rather than husband and wife. And we've been married 21 years. It's like making love to my best friend - I don't want a best friend - I want my H!
But, as you said, things are getting better each day. We just have to sit back and let it happen. Both our spouses are dealing with a lot of things right now and they need our love and patience more than ever before.
Hey Deb have you read five languages of love it is interesting but the one thing I noted is that we do to others what we would like done to us so have you given him little notes etc
I would say that is something he always thought of as showing you he loved you and when he thought it didn't work too well he increased the intensity
so maybe now is the time to think of some surprising places you could put little notes for him
)