Hi NM, I have been following your sich and just wanted to pop in and comment on your detaching. I am sortof at the same point and know how hard it is, especially with kids. (H and I have D3) I don't have much to offer in the way of advice right now since I am so confused about this all too, but just wanted to offer up support - good job on trying to detach. God knows it isn't easy, but hopefully gets easier as time passes. Also, I have read from other posters that it is best not to tell the WASs about yoru changes (very hard not to!!) but rather they should find out in other ways, I guess so they don't think you are doing anything purposely to try to manipulate the situation....Good luck!!
Nice work detaching. You've got the hang of it. It might feel like a bit of an act at first, but it comes naturally after a short amount of practice.
I've been reading your thread and really just wanted to say you are doing so well. It's only such a short time since your so moved out, yet you behaving with dignity and grace. It's fantastic.
I understand you are still in a great deal of pain, and I understand that applying these principles is still quite new for you - but you're going great guns.
Stick to it.
You do get what you settle for - and that's a really powerful message to understand.
Cheers, Virginia
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Now, here's the next secret to detachment. Detachment is NOT a betrayal of love, it is a prerequisite to having a strong vibrant loving relationship. Try to notice how you are actually able to be more supportive/compassionate/understanding to *both yourself and SO* through this as you continue to detach. For, when you don't have to make everything about yourself, which is truly what is going on in deeply enmeshed Rs, you become far less reactive and able to really hear your SO and hear yourself, and see the humanity in both of you, in any exchange.
So often I think folks fear that detachment means a betrayal of love and/or in many cases, people fear that if they detach they'll find they don't really love their P (if folks can be that honest with themselves...). But, in fact the opposite is true, detachment paves the way for love, for appreciating yourself and the other person for who they really.
Anyway, you are doing great, and if you pay attention to how detaching is really enriching your life and opening up the possibilities for good Rs, then it will become easier.
Holy Moley! I've got followers! LOL Thanks for stopping by - I'll answer more later when the kids have gone to bed. Just wanted to add this while I had minute..
SO emailed me this morning With "just having a whirlwind of thoughts, mostly unexplainable ones. I had a bad dream last night, it was about you involved in a romantic relationship w/ some guy on the internet. I was crushed when I woke up for some reason...couldnt sleep the rest of the night, and I dont know why."
I emailed him back, kept it short, reminding him I wouldn't be home today; and ended with I'll talk to you soon. No real thoughts on his email. May mean something, then again probably doesn't mean anything.
Met with the daycare lady, she seems very nice and she can accomodate any schedule I dream up! YEAH! And she's affordable. And she'd be able to have D7 get on/off the bus at her house if that type of situation arises. She's also got 2 children in school 8 & 9, so D7 won't be with little kids! I hope this works out. Next step - job!
I am feeling good, for the most part. I get a touch sad at the most inopportune times. My hardest hurdle is my impatience. I want it like 2 days ago! No matter what it is - SO - job - daycare. "Un"learning bad habits is hard. I know, I know, this takes time and patience!
Hmmmm, he was seeking reassurance that you were still right where he wants you, under his feet when he wipes them, ready to pick up if he so chooses. Good job not delivering on his wishes. Great job not taking care of him and not trying to fix his distress.
I am with Oldtimer on this. He realizes you may be moving on with out him and that will be a hard pill to swallow. His dreams will make him face his own demons and they seem to be surfacing quite quickly so there may be hope he soon realizes what a err he has made.
Flutter & WalkingBack- thanks for stopping by and for your encouragement. It really isn't easy - trying to do the opposite of what comes naturally is it? As for dealing with SO moving out, it wasn't exactly unexpected or previously undiscussed. I really feel that it may have been the only option. Now we can both come to terms with our relationship once and for all - whatever way it turns out. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell - I miss him very much. But for some reason, it was what *I* needed in order to pull myself out of the rut I was stuck in. For some reason, I just couldn't do this while he was here.
I still find myself falling into some of my & "our" old patterns, so I just keep striving to do it differently. And the more I change, the more I notice him changing (albeit ever so slightly or slowly!). For instance tonight when he called to talk to the kids, he called no less than 6 times in 45 minutes, then texted me with "Tried calling as always No answer ". I was giving the kids baths and couldn't get the phone! Jeez! When they were all done, I finally texted him back with "OK - kids done with baths now" So he called a little while later and after the kids, he asked to speak with me. Then sounded all PO'd and pretty much hung up on me. My initial reaction to myself was "Well FO then, buddy!". As I sat there, I just kept saying to myself, it's not about me - shrug it off - his problem, not yours. About 10 minutes later he called back and apologized for being rude and explained his work was buzzing thru and he had to take it. This completely threw me! So I'm glad I didn't get all worked up over it for nothing.
Whitelight - glad you are enjoying this! LOL I usually have to laugh at it all, otherwise I would be raving loon!
Going to try to read all your threads. I apologize in advance if sometimes I don't have much advice to give. Or as much time as I would like to spend giving back to others.
Oh - Walkingback, "You get what you settle for." I got that from Thelma & Louise. Really not a movie to watch when going thru this kind of thing, lol, yet I find it stimulates my thinking - the line, not the movie!!!
Oldtimer - Oh My! You gave me a smiley face!! I admit, I'm not as detached as I want to be...or should be. I still take things to heart too much. See above with the thoughts that went thru my head when he called. I think I'm learning, slowly. Hopefully without too much damage.
I credit you for all this because I've really been taking your advice to heart. Some of the pictures you've painted (little dog begging for scraps, acting the victim) - God, those were enough to wake me up. I am not that type of person! I don't know where *I* disappeared to, but I do not think of myself, and don't want anyone else, to picture me like that. Ever!
Right now SO is not interested in working on a relationship with me. I've been trying to work on the issues I thought had led to it's breakdown expecting him to want to work on it as well. While I was wrong in some ways, I must be doing something right, as he hasn't flown the coop entirely and seems confused.
My goals, generally, are to continue to work on the things that I can while it's still in this stage. At the same time, balance that with moving forward and focusing on "me" stuff.
Oh, and change the answering machine message!! LMAO Right now it's his voice on there!
Thanks Oldtimer & Chrissy. Didn't see these earlier.
Quote: Hmmmm, he was seeking reassurance that you were still right where he wants you, under his feet when he wipes them, ready to pick up if he so chooses.
He's fishing... trying to find out what you are up to, if you are seeing anyone, if you are doing internet dating, etc... He's scared because he sees you getting your act together without him and afraid that if you aren't emotionally dependent on him you might not be there if he decides he wants you. He wants you there "just in case" and now he is starting to realize you might not always be there as a default option.
So, what he wanted to hear was, "Lol, no, I'm not seeing that guy from my office or internet dating. I will always be here for you no matter what with open arms. My life is totally on hold until you figure out what you want." Your choice not to deliver this doormat message is taking him out of his comfort zone and he wants you to fix it. Don't.
BTW, does he always go with the little passive agressive messages??? How annoying!!! Maybe you could call him on it sometime by reacting as though he'd given you the same message in a more direct manner. "Oh no, it seems you are hurt that I didn't answer the phone."
Yes. Please change the message on your machine, lol, and the name on your mailbox if appropriate.
Best,
Oldtimer
P.S. Oh yeah, the whole losing yourself thing. Why do women do that so much??? I certainly did. Yuck. It is in the overenmeshment that we lose ourselves and in healthy detachment that we find ourselves again. Aren't you starting to like yourself better now that you exist a bit more again, if you know what I mean, lol.
I admit, I'm not as detached as I want to be...or should be. I still take things to heart too much. See above with the thoughts that went thru my head when he called. I think I'm learning, slowly. Hopefully without too much damage.