WAW OM and Waiting?

[Kyle]

My sitch. After 20 years of marriage and 4 children I have a WAW although she is still with me.
I found out 2 months ago that she has been seeing the OM for about a year.
When I initially confronted her that I knew what was going on, she confirmed it and she said she was in love with the OM – but that she still loved me. She said she needed time to work things out and early on said she was “trying to forget about him”.

Luckily, in my web search for information on divorce I found the DB site and decided I wanted to see if I could save our marriage. I have read the DB books and listened to the Keeping Love Alive Tapes. I have a local counselor and had one DB conf call. So I have been doing many of the things mentioned in DB – giving her space – doing more of my own thing, being her friend, etc.

The problem is I now have information that she continues to see the OM as often as she can. I broke the rules last night and asked her if she was still seeing him. She of course got mad and said she had answered that question weeks ago and did not want to answer again (reading between the lines – she did not want to lie to my face again). Then she said she had no relationship with the OM (OK, so she has no problem lying to my face after all). The rest of what she said last night made it clear she had no plan.

I was able to do OK with the DB strategy when I thought she was not seeing the OM. My wife and I have had some very good days together and it seemed like things were on track – but now I really wonder if any positive energy I got from her was only because she knew she would be seeing the OM soon.

My question is this:

I believe the DB course of action here would be to continue to show her support, do my own thing, not bring up the relationship, etc. - but this seems like it will go on forever - she will continue to see him. Knowing this is going on is taking its toll on me. Waiting for her to bring up our relationship seems unrealistic. I went for 2 weeks and she never brought it up.

Is it time to confront her – with evidence that she is seeing the OM?

I know that may push her out – but I don’t know how long I can tolerate this situation. It feels very fake for me to “act as if” I know nothing. I might be better if I didn’t – but going for weeks with her never bringing up our relationship is getting to me.

Most of what I have read or listened to is about working on the relationship even if it is just me working on it.

If she would stop seeing him I think we have an excellent chance of saving our marriage – but I think she does not know what she wants.

Thank you in advance for your advice and support. This is by far the toughest thing I have ever dealt with.

[rj6969]

Kyle:

If only my WA SO would also end the affair, I think we would have a chance. But you and I know that these affairs usually end at some point. However, the bad thing about this is, we don't know how long this will continue. It could be weeks, months, years down the road. That's so very hard for us.

I do think your DB action is what you have stated, however, I don't think you need to confront your WAW just yet. In my sitch, my SO knows that I know what's going on. We never talk about the OP or R. I just try to keep our conversations on a friendly level. By being her friend, it's the only way she may come back to me.

I'll check in on you this evening.

RJ

[Kyle]

Thanks for the encouragement.
My local counselor (not SBT Trained) suggested I seek clarification from my WAW as to where our relationship is etc. I know that is contrary to the DB Process but it is tempting.

Monday I have my 2nd DB call with Dottie. I know she will ask if I have kept the R out of my initiated conversations with my WAW. I have done pretty well overall - but have brought it up on a couple of occasions (like when I knew she saw OM).
This confrontation began and ended the same as others. She says 1. if I accuse her of seeing him - she threatens to leave 2. she says I will never trust her again - based on my current behavior 3. The changes I have made in myself are not permenant - I am only being extra nice and helpful to win her back.

On number 1 - before too long I may take her up on this.
On number 2 - she can't seem to understand that the trust thing is pretty much impossible to start if she has not told me it is over with the OM.
For number 3 - I know I am a different person since this has happened.

Basically, my WAW says she is confused and does not know what to do. I am hanging on to the thought that one day she will come to me with some good news that she wants only me. I hope it comes before I kick her out.

[john_p]

Kyle,

I'd venture to say that the majority of us on the board have been or are somewhere like where you are at.

The big dilemma is this. We all believe that the our spouse's other (no matter what form they take EA, PA, whatever) keep them from recomitting to the relationship. BUT, our spouses don't see it that way. They think we've let THEM down in some way by creating a relationship that forced them to look for closeness elsewhere. It seems backwards doesn't it, but to our spouses, their affairs are OUR fault.

And, given that they see US as the cause of their misbehavior. I think most people here agree that the focus needs to be on us being better people and not on our spouses' misbehavior. Every time I have talked about the OM, it has pushed my wife further and further from me. Nevertheless, the temptation is so strong, I continue to shoot myself in the foot.

Ignoring the affair and focusing on yourself is a long tough road however, and it really does seem like the most successful folks on the board (both those who reconcile and those who don't) find a way to move past whatever transgressions occurred in their marriage and focus mostly on being a better person, period.

So, what goals do you have to make yourself a better person?

[VKR]

The hardest thing to do is to let go. I know about having children with a MLCer. My 9 D thinks her mother has a boyfriend, I just try to reassure her that no matter what happens, things are going to be alright. We just have to keep praying and working on our selves. I am trying to work on me, trying to give her something to want to come home to while I continue to get my children every chance that I can. I am the only stability that they have in their lives at the present.
My advice is to give her lots of room. Don't give her any reason to feel pressured, this is my weak point. I find myself asking for a hug or trying to take her hand and both of these are big no-no's. We have no control over how they act or what they do. All we can do is try to give them something to want to come back to. This is a long tough ride and they say it lasts for years. It is funny, I don't remember paying for a ticket even though it is one hell of a ride. As Faith and Hope says "There can be no testamony without a test".

[Tim297181]

Sorry to meet you here! It is always sad to welcome someone new to the board!

My question to you is have you really changed?

The reason I ask you this is not to be in your face but for you to do some real self evaluation. You really need to find out what YOU WANT to improve on yourself. You are already an amazing person because you have not run from a tough situation and you want to save your marriage! Dig deep and think about things in your life that got you to this point and think about ways you can improve.
Why i say this to you is from one of your statements.
I think it went like "Most of my changes and actions are to save my marriage." If I read between the lines it sounds like most of your actions are geared to pleasing your W.
I see so much of what I did in what you said in just one short post from you. I was seperated for over a year and I am in the throws of trying to recouncil a second time. The difference this time and why I feel stronger is I stopped doing things JUST FOR MY W! Once my actions became self centered I became stronger. don't get me wrong I did not shut my W out or stopped doing things for her. I did alot for my W, but I did it because I wanted to. I stopped looking for the emmotional pay off from my W for my actions. I became comfortable with recounciliation or D. As soon as this started my W started to come apart and now she wants to try and save our M again. I still have a long journey.

My point through all my ramblings is you need to get stronger for yourself! Your actions need to be directed to you and no one else! I agree I never liked "Acting as if". Once I stopped acting and started being the person I wanted to be my R began to improve!
Good luck and keep posting!

[Kyle]

I am afraid to make this situation too comfortable for her. I think people have to be uncomfortable to change - and she needs to change. I realize this may not go my way - I guess I am prepared for this - or at least getting close.

[Kyle]

Thanks for your very thoughtfull and thought provoking post.

I think you are right on target about making yourself stronger by improving yourself. I am turning that corner now - making changes for myself not my wife.

I hope you are successful soon with your reconciliation. This is the roughest ride I've ever been on - and from the sound of it - I may be on a while.

[grasshopper]

I am afraid to make this situation too comfortable for her. I think people have to be uncomfortable to change - and she needs to change. I realize this may not go my way - I guess I am prepared for this - or at least getting close.

I agree with you. People often, but not always, need to be uncomfortable to change. The problem is that you're assuming that your W is comfortable. If she seems like she is, don't believe it.

Your fear is a common one that we all have. We all fear being a doormat and making things too easy for our WAS. It's a fine line for sure but the thing that helps is to understand that you cannot control these people. No amount of hard line tactics is likely to bring her back. Only SHE can decide to come back and that is likely to be because she wants to, not because you make her uncomfortable.

That said, Tim and others have had success when they finally decided enough was enough and called it quits. It was then that his W saw the light, but that was after almost a year (or more, sorry Tim, don't remember the time line) of trying everything else.

If you are truly doing what's right for YOU, and working on YOU, living for YOU, then you are not a doormat. Make your own decisions and make your own life. I have been doing so for about 3 months now to varying degrees of success. Waiting has worked thus far for me. Only you can decide what will work for you.

GH

[RBinBR]

GH is right -- you have to make decisions for yourself. For me, kicking my W out was ultimately the right decision. GH, on the other hand, has made fantastic progress by simply being patient and doing basic DB techniques such as GAL and "as if".

As for making things too comfortable, I can tell you that "punishing" your W will not help. If you want to make a decision to make your own life easier, then go for it ... but you can't change her, because she can only do that for herself.