Starting another thread to make a confession. In my former life (relationship) I was completely, totally, absolutely LD/ND.
This was with a guy I was engaged to, post-divorce (call him F for fiance). I quickly lost all interest in anything sexual with him. Everything even remotely sexual that he tried with me, I was sooo not into.
Partially, this was because F was under the (entirely mistaken) impression that he was g-d's gift to women and was therefore completely opposed/oblivious to any of my subtle or not-so-subtle suggestions on how he could make me happier in bed.
Partially, this was because (TMI WARNING), I'm one of those unusual women who can O if a guy looks at me cross-eyed. No physical contact required.
I know, I know, I'm not normal. So F was convinced that he was the world's greatest lover b/c I always had multiple Os.
F's ex-wife had told him (I'm not sure why he relayed this to me) that after having sex with him, she felt like a prostitute. I didn't tell him this, but, she definitely had a point.
So I can definitely identify with all the LDW on this board. It got to the point where I just didn't want him to touch me, because it would always lead to not-so-great sex. In fact, I totally lost all interest and would say basically anything to justify my lack of interest.
So many of the "justifications" given by LDWs on this board are scarily reminiscent of the things I used to tell F, just to get him off my back (or front, as the case might be).
RE Landica
But part of me says that these are problems that can't be solved, only managed. And that they're going to follow me into any relationship I get involved in. You know, wherever you go, there you are. (see Landica's confession thread). They just emerge in different ways.
Fixing yourself is one of "Divorce Busting" primary concepts. In my former life (relationship) I was completely, totally, absolutely LD/ND.......I'm one of those unusual women who can O if a guy looks at me cross-eyed.
Holy cow Landica. Another things for us guys with LDW to worry about. j/k Before coming to the forum, I thought BB and LD women in general were that way all of the time. They just plain were not interested in sex with anyone. Now this. Yes I have read stories like yours before.
(women who can O if a guy looks at me cross-eyed) I know, I know, I'm not normal. Yes but that is most likely just you. Nothing to call yourself abnormal though, just different but within the normal bell curve.
F was under the (entirely mistaken) impression that he was g-d's gift to women I am a guy and also don't like to be around these type of guys, so what you feel is not gender exclusive.
was therefore completely opposed/oblivious to any of my subtle or not-so-subtle suggestions on how he could make me happier in bed. The way I hear your statement is you two were not that union or oneness some people call an EC with F. Tough when one person thinks they know all of the answers even when you give them the clues and they ignore you or tell you, you are wrong. No equality, no team work, no sense of "US."
Then there are guys like Chrom ( and others ) looking for clues and can't pry them lose from their W.
Situational LD/HD. What to do and when? Why don't they/we get it?
Landica, posts like yours helps some people not give up on their R and think maybe there are other reasons for little or no EC that leads to LD/ND.
Let me get this straight. You had an aggressive man in bed who could give you multiple O's yet you did not want to have sex with him. Interesting. I know you said he thought he was the world's greatest lover and that was a turn-off. What about the rest? Was he good to you? Who ended the engagement and why? You admit to most of your previous R not being healthy. Was there sexual attraction in most of them though? Why not with this guy? You state you "totally lost all interest." Became LD/ND. I may be totally off the mark here but maybe he had a healthy view of R and sex and you were used to your Ex's ways of relating. Dysfunctional ways of relating. Whatcha think?
I may have given somewhat of the wrong impression.
F and I had boatloads of EC (if you mean emotional connection).
We did tons of stuff together, both just us and with our kids -- skiing, museums, shopping (yeah, he was the rare guy who loooved to shop) vacations, amusement parks, restaurants, family time, couple time.
F was really helpful around the house. He was a great cook and catered to me in other ways -- bringing me a glass of wine when I was beat after work, helping me out with "guy-type" things --like taking out the trash or changing lighbulbs or hanging pictures. He was also really touchy-feely, very affectionate and constantly complimenting me.
So, except for specifically changing his sexual behavior and attitude, I don't think there's much more he could have done.
Well, maybe he could have lost 40 pounds or so. And hadn't he ever heard of laser treatment for simian-like back hair?
And he was far from perfect. For example, he had severe issues with his crazy ex-wife and her constantly hauling him into court, which led to a fear that he would lose his kids, which, in turn led him to treat my kid badly --something I absolutely wasn't going to put up with.
And he had no concept of how to keep house or even clean up after himself. The house was always full of clutter that he "meant to sell on e-bay," but somehow never got around to.
And we had totally different standards/rules for our kids (who were all about the same age). F justified his by saying that if he didn't let his kids do whatever they wanted, they would go live with thier mother. My kid couldn't understand why he had chores and rules "when F's kids could do whatever they wanted."
Anyway, what I'm trying to say, in my own rambling way was that sometimes sex/lack of desire is just -- or mostly -- about sex. If he had listened to what I was saying specifically about sex and what would really turn me on, we could (I think) have had a great SL. As it was, he just wasn't willing to change what felt good for him/what he enjoyed and it led to me rapidly becoming LD/ND.
Nothing else he could have done would have made me more HD (though, I suppose it might have made me happier)
Quote: You had an aggressive man in bed who could give you multiple O's yet you did not want to have sex with him.
Well, frankly (and I'm trying not to brag here) pretty much any man can give me multiple Os. I'm just a little different from most women (or so I gather), so that it really doesn't take that much.
So far as being "agressive." Well, yeah, he was "agressive" in the sense that he made it clear that he wanted sex. However, when we were actually having sex, he would just lie there and expect me to do all the work. And he bragged that he had learned how to delay his own O for hours. Which may have been great for him, but wasn't really of much value to me. Quite the opposite.
Quote: I know you said he thought he was the world's greatest lover and that was a turn-off. What about the rest? Was he good to you?
Well, see my comments above. He had a terrible temper and couldn't hold down a job, which left me pretty much the financial provider (a role I did not like.
But my main issue was the way he treated my son, especially vis a vis his own kids. That to me is a non-negotiable issue. I didn't expect him to *love* my son the way he loved his own kids. (though I loved his kids and was very sorry to lose them). But the way F treated my son was totally unacceptable (yelling at him, mocking him, belittling him, calling him a "homo" or a "fag"). I know that it all stemmed from a fear that F would "lose" his own kids to his ex-wife and a kind of jealousy that my kid did well in school, was polite, didn't act out or mouth off (unlike his kids). But still, it was something I couldn't put up with.
Quote: Who ended the engagement and why?
Me. See above.
Quote: You admit to most of your previous R not being healthy. Was there sexual attraction in most of them though? Why not with this guy?
It's true, while I've never been invovled in a R where I didn't feel sexual attraction, in my relationship with F, the attraction wore off pretty quickly.
Quote: I may be totally off the mark here but maybe he had a healthy view of R and sex and you were used to your Ex's ways of relating. Dysfunctional ways of relating.
I think this is about half right. F had a pretty healthy view of relationships in general and (except for the kid thing and the job thing) we got along pretty well.
But his view of sex was -- in my view -- seriously messed up (or at least not compatible with mine). No matter how I tried to explain it to him, he just refused to do the things that would have made the sex more rewarding for me, saying that it (whatever it is that I wanted) just didn't do it for him.
I think the fact that he was getting what he wanted out of sex was good enough for him. And he just didn't care what I wanted sexually.
Basically (despite the multiple Os -- which as I've explained -- are not really a big deal for me) he was completely selfish in bed.
And, (and at the risk of making myself sound like a total slut), I've been in relationships with good sex, great sex, and rock-my-world sex.
All I'm trying to say is that -- if the underlying issue is the sex itself (and, of course, it isn't in every case) that no amount of quality time, conversation, chores, words of admiration, or emotional connectness is going to fix it.
btw: freezer guy called and said he'd love to see me this week. Especially if I was wearing black thigh-highs and, um, going commando. He also said he'd bring a couple of extra ties......
Landica, I'm pretty much the same way, while it takes slightly more than a look, doesn't take much. I admit that I became a bit LD with H because he would not take initiative. He was always tentative, like he didn't really know if he wanted to or not. I know what you are saying, you can O and not even be particularly attracted to the guy. Boy have I "been there done that".
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Glad to hear that there's another woman who understands what I'm saying. For me, sex is sooo not about the O. That's basically a given for me, no matter how bad the sex is.
It's about a caring, understanding, enthusiastic guy who can "listen" to my verbal and non-verbal cues. And a little talking dirty outside of bed sure doesn't hurt.....
Ok, I was way off. That guy sounds like a loser and a jerk. Guess the real question is, why are you attracting and being, a least on some level, attracted to that type, or you would have never gotten to the point of Fiance. Glad you had some boundaries in place to realize you should have called off the engagement but you don't seem to have the ability to see the signs in these men. What makes it acceptable on some level to you. Do you think you can change them? This is much more about you than ANY of them. Comments like this make me think you just don't know what a healthy R is: He had a terrible temper and couldn't hold down a job, which left me pretty much the financial provider way F treated my son was totally unacceptable (yelling at him, mocking him, belittling him, calling him a "homo" or a "fag"). Yet then you go on to say: F had a pretty healthy view of relationships in general and (except for the kid thing and the job thing) we got along pretty well.
EXCEPT for. ??? No! No! No! You make too many exceptions seems to be the problem. There is no sense of respect for yourself, for the men, or for what a R should look like, it appears to me, in any of your past/current R. People will treat you the way you let them treat you. If you don't respect yourself, they won't have respect for you. And vice versa. So why do you feel like you don't deserve better?
Well, give me some credit. At least I broke off the engagement. And the sex issue aside (which I thought/hoped we could work on), at least in the beginning, I think that things were going fairly well with F.
When we started dating, he was great with my son -- doing a lot more dad-type things with my son than my son's own father (who at the time was generally in a drunken stupor) . It was F who taught my son to ski and to rollerblade and who would play catch with him in the yard.
It was only after his ex-wife started going to court and threatening to move out of state with his kids that F began taking it out on my son. And it was at that point that I put my foot down and kicked him to the curb.
Also when I first met F, he had a great consulting job with a dot com and was making tons of money and seemed to have a good work ethic. It was only later, that he decided that he just didn't *feel* like working any more.
So, I think this is actually an example of me setting clear boundaries and taking care of myself and my son.
When the situation degenerated, I got rid of F with no compunction and few regrets. Really, the only thing I miss about him are his kids, who I felt very close to, and his cooking (which was superb).
So, in my mind, anyway, this is an example of me acting in a healthy and self-protective manner.
In my former life (relationship) I was completely, totally, absolutely LD/ND.
j/k 
Before coming to the forum, I thought BB and LD women in general were that way all of the time. They just plain were not interested in sex with anyone. Now this. 
