Well, I am back from visiting my family. Had an okay time of it and even extended my stay a few extra days.
I broke my foot while I was gone and caught a head cold but the worse part of it all was seeing my gram's strapped in a chair and unable to carry on a conversation of more then two sentences. She seems to have no meaning to keep going. Ask her what she just ate and the answer you know I really don't remember. Ask her how she slept the night before and it's I guess all right I really don't remember.
She was not this bad until she was put in the nursing home. I talked to her on the phone just over the holidays. She had a hard time hearing and some scattered thoughts or repeated herself a lot but she still did remember things 5 minutes after they happened.
My heart broke every day I saw her. I have always feared her dying. Never thinking I could handle losing someone I have loved so much in my life time. But now knowing this is her from her on out I can say that it will hurt more thinking of that image of her strapped in a chair having no one to talk to and nothing to do understanding very little going on around her then it will be with dealing with her passing.
People in my family seem to have long life spans but what is it worth if this is the quality of life they have to live.
Sadly all that said I think I already have some of that lack of quality in my life. I really look forward to little in my days. I already spend most of my time sitting and waiting out time. Other then my interactions with my kids my life is pretty much as desolate as hers is.
I spent some awesome time with my sisters and mother with the exception of the two days I was drug to my grams house to help prepare it to be sold. None of it was heavy and dramatic or problematic. We shopped and ate and laughed.
My older sister and I did have one heavy conversation while sitting in THE bedroom at my grama's about gramp's and his actions. She stated that she has been having nightmares about him for the last few years on and off.
She was not interested in taking anything of his as a reminder of him, Only stuff that was about our grama.
Odd how that foo bird can attack you so much later in life.
I also ran into a couple that I went to high school with and we chatted for a short time and exchanged numbers (which of course I trashed so my H would not come across them) Seems we are set to have a class reunion in a year and they thought it would be great for me to come.
oddly I really do not remember this people well did not even remember there names. And after learning there names came to the conclusion I don't think I even liked these people in high school. So all the to do about me coming to the reunion and calling them makes no sense to me but oh well its kinda funny.
Ah now the home front.
H seem to believe that my one and a half weeks away was going to make me the loving affectionate wife of his dreams and all was going to be perfect from here on out. Sadly this was/is not the case I was only gone a week.
As unrealistic as his hopes where it did make me feel crummy that nothing really had changed. I wished for him it would have.
But the games and the control and manipulation efforts only took a day or two to rear there ugly head between us.
H had stated a few weeks back that he was no longer going to watch me waste away that I needed to get a job and start doing something blah blah or he was leaving. That coupled with the thoughts posted above about how my life already seems to resemble my grama's at this point. I decided to go look for a job back in my line of work. Which entails long drives back and forth and many hours. But includes good pay benefits and a career not just a job.
I told H I was going to get up early to look for a job. He then questions why I want to get a job all of a sudden and so forth and starts telling me he really does not want me to go to work but if I do this is what I cannot do/what he does not want me to do. I cannot work third shift he wants me home at night with him. I can work some second shift hours but first shift would be what he really wants me to work and he really only wants me to work part time but no gas stations or anything dangerous like that blah blah.
So I go look for a job. Close to where I use to work then I stop at the mall and look around (still kicking the ideal around of restarting my business). Then come home to be lambasted for going to Charlotte to look for a job he does not want me working there it is to far away (worked right outside of Charlotte for 5 years) and I was gone to long looking for a job blah blah.
So I am between WTF and FU by the end of the night. I told H to forget it that I was not going to work it was not worth the hassle so I would continue to sit here in my house and do nothing and he could figure out from her on out how to make ends meet I am done with it. Then H pretty much demands that I do go to work tells me I am going to blah blah or he is leaving. I again told him hollow words with no effect on me. And he could not make me get a job And pointed out to him how he was trying to control and manipulate me into doing what he wanted not what I wanted or what was best for the kids. I drove the nail home when I pointed out his statements about 3rd shift and me needing to be home with the kids ect where about him that my looking for a job was now about him and that that actually 2nd shift would be the harder of the two for spending time with the kids since I would be leaving before they got home from school and coming home when they where in bed I would get to spend no time with them. And also that it was silly to even put that condition out there when I have A. never worked 3rd before and B. third shift is for factory workers and such my line of work is office work hence no need to even say I was not allowed when it would not be an issue. It is his trying to control me issue.
All and all the conversation dead ended and H thought it a great time to have sex. Which was a no go for me.
Today H tried to exert that control again he kept waking me up and trying to get me up to go look for a job. Yeah I stayed in bed until 2pm. When I got up I sat down and played games on my computer until he got up for work at 5 and to his dismay discovered I had never left my computer all day. One of these days he will get the picture that he is is own worse enemy when it comes to me. And his controlling nature is starting to really make my defiant nature come rear its head.
Sounds like you are having a crappy time Chrissy, hope things improve soon.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Get a job. Take no notice of H and his dumb conditions, just get yourself a job for YOU. Once you have a job H can just live with the situation. Sure he will bitch about it but take no notice. Or just say *you wanted me to have a job, I have a job. The perfect job doesn’t just fall from a tree*
My H was bitching about me sitting round the house all day (grrrrrr!), so when a friend offered me a job I took it. It is perfect. My friend was very accommodating about the hours and the job is in my field and just what I need to start back on the career road again after 6 years as SAHM. My self-esteem is way back up, I don’t sit around all day thinking about H and how much he gets me down.
H still bitches, now he bitches about the stuff that doesn’t get done because I am working and spending less time at home. Having spent years on the *what the heck do you do all day* mantra. You just can’t win with some people so my philosophy is don’t even try. Look at what you need to do for YOU. Don’t worry about spiting him or doing something just because he says not to. Ignore him (either way) and do it for you.
Take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hi Chrissy Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now that is causing you stress. But it seems like you could also be clinically depressed. I can't remember what the status is of you seeking some outside intervention, either C or AD's. Might help? Your eating and sleeping habits are really dysfunctional Don't you think so? Your H only exacerbates the problem with his controlling behaviors and makes you feel even worse for not getting a job. Although then he wouldn't have control over you so that pisses him off to. Can't win. Both of you need some serious C or some major change in the M dynamic. Maybe the job would be good for you if you can get motivated to proceed in that direction.
Hi Chrissy... It is emotionally devastating to watch someone you love to pieces deteriorate in body and spirit, knowing all the while you are helpless to change the course of events. I am going through this as well, and I know I do need a lot of " down" time just to absorb the grief of it all. How much does your H know about the emotional turmoil you just went through? Sounds like the two of you just engaged in a control battle about work rather than you having the opportunity to express your intimate feelings and receive support. Is there a way to let your H know more about your inner world? You express yourself beautifully here...are you able to share yourself at home? What would happen?
And remember that although you have no control over your gramma's happiness at this stage of the game, what you can control, and what you are responsible for, is your happiness. She would want that for you. So do the things ( or choose to not do things) that will make you feel good about you.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through the pain of seeing your grandmother in the state she is in. I dealt with that for almost 4-years with my grandfather, and it's so difficult. You remember the woman she used to be, but see what has become of her today....and there is no controlling it. Just remember SHE still needs you, no matter what her state becomes she needs to feel love from her family.
As for your H. Why are you still letting HIM control the situation? He reminds me of a friends H....who constantly complained about the lack of money but would make it impossible for her to work, because every job she found somehow inconvenienced him. What he really wanted was for her to find some way to work from home and be supermom too.
You already know your H is going to bitch no matter what you do Chrissy...so why aren't you doing what it takes to make YOU happy? This is why I say you are still letting him control the situation.....I get this feeling he wants you to feel trapped, and well....your enabling it. Is sitting in a house where you feel trapped making you happy? Doesn't appear that way to me. In fact..I'm thinking if you stayed in bed until 2pm, you are heading for depression (if you aren't already there).
Chrissy...your H is the King of Catch-22's when it comes to you. NOTHING is going to make him happy unless you can manage to somehow become 2-people, one who works and brings in the money, and one whose there for his every whim. He's not that concerned about the kids IMPO, he's concerned about him...he just uses the kids as an excuse.
Sorry I did not have a chance to respond earlier. I took the day off for myself got up early and jetted out of here to do some shopping and so forth. My Jeep ended up breaking down about 2 hours from my house and the only thing I ended up buying was a new water pump belts bearrings and a pully along with a ride for my jeep on a flat bed but hey I really did not leave with a thought in my head what I was shopping for so I guess fate took care of the choices for me lol. Nice 3 or 4 hour wait to get it fixed with nothing to do but think.
LFL yes I am suffering depression have been for years now started taking anti depresents about 5 months ago and just recently doubled the dose.
My sleeping patterns yes are out of whack I take prescription meds to help me sleep but usually is still about 3 before I do then I tend to sleep until 10 or 11 The 2pm thing was pure defience I was not asleep all that time just refused to get out of bed to make the H see he cannot demand these things and think I will jump.
A job will be a great thing for me. But terrible for the H.
Yes seeing my grama was terrible. And I would never desert her no matter how terrible it is to watch her in the state she is in. She would never do that to my either. I was the one person who she does not see everyday that she knew who was. My daughter my neices and my sisters she remembers on and off. But my mother and myself she knows at all times. At least for now.
How much does your H know about the emotional turmoil you just went through
He asked how my grama was. I told him it was terrible to see her strapped in a chair. Thats about as far as the conversation went. He was not seeming all that interested. And I am long done begging for him to show a interest in things that do not involve him directly.
You express yourself beautifully here...are you able to share yourself at home? What would happen?
Thank you for the first part. Expressing myself is something I am trying to come into IRL. Hear it is writting and I have always used that as a outlet.
Could I express myself at home yes but it would still be different. Here people prompt me to explain myself expand on what I am saying and encourage me to dig a little deeper into whats whys hows and whens if need be. At home there is a lack of that type of support that supports understanding your feelings.
and what you are responsible for, is your happiness.
What is hard is some of the things that would help me along the journey to this are things that will effects others. And I feel selfish to put myself first. But that is something I am over coming slowly but surely.
I think the hardest part for me right now is the fact she is in a nursing home. I happened to work at this very same nursing home when I first found myself a single mother. I saw how little personal attention most of these people got from not only staff but family. Many of them only uttered a few sentence to anyone but there imaginary friends in a day. Because no one is available. To me that is so profoundly sad that it is heart wrenching. I know my mom goes there almost daily for a hour to a few hours. I know my devil Aunt comes in from MI once a week or so to see her. And my older sister and her boyfriend visit almost every Sunday for a couple of hours. But that still leaves atleast 10 hours a day of complete loneliness and lack of inter action in her life and that is so so sad to me. Maybe because I can relate so well with the feelings of lonliness I have them and have nearly every day of my life. Then factor in she is trapped in a chair and can not go to the bathroom or lay down or anything else for her self. And yes at this point it is for her own good she did just break her hip and is not recovered as of yet and she does not remember that she can not just get up and walk. But again I worked in this enviroment and saw how they strapped people into chairs to contain them because they did not have the staff/or want to actually watch them. How long until she can walk and is still strapped down for convienence instead of need. And how fair is that.
My H. Yes everything you say is true and we both (along with probably all the others here) know what you say is true. There is no pleasing the man. No matter which way I turn it will always fall short in some area for him.
I am past the resentment of this aspect of our relationship. I am done excepting it and actually bordering on and between anger and frustration with the pettiness of the whole situation.
My 2 oclock rising the other day was out of pure emotions of FU in your face excuse me you cannot make me ness. I am not your child nor can you demand me to get up and go look for a job after fussing about me looking for one and really expect me to do it with a bit of okay so what ya gonna do if I don't meanness blended in.
I told my H point blank the other night. The hollow me is a creation of this marriage and he either wants that or he wants the fun loving ballsy girl he meet but he cannot have both. That I forsee our marriage always being as it stands. A tug of war over who I am suppose to be and Where neither of us are satisfied and he needs to either resolve himself to except that or to move on.
In all fairness to my H he has been trying harder. Since I have been confronting him about his cussing and fussing regularly he has knocked it down a notch or two and it is noticable. His fatherly skills and relationship with my older son has improved greatly. But and this is a big but I wonder how fair all of this effort he is putting forth is to him. The reason why. While in Ohio I had a lot of time to think and talk with my sister. And I realized something. I can fix our sex life I can fix some of our relationship problems but I can not change the way I feel about him in a larger essence. It all revolves around when things were at the worse with us. And he was being physically violent not just threatening. A part of me has never left those days. I have never moved past how I felt about him at that time. The anger has deminished I can see I owned reasoning for some of his anger. But the way I felt about him at that time is still there and it over shadows any other feelings I have for him. It is there every time he reaches for me touches me kisses me. It is a mix of fear and disbelief and anger and so much more that I have no way to put in words. Every time I think of him I think of then. Yes it is a lack of trust of him it is a lack of feeling safe from him but it is something else mixed in that isolates me from him and only allows me to love him to a certain point. Even if I forgave him his actions excepted his reasons and took on the guilt for bringing them about I don't think it would change how I feel somewhere deep down inside me about him. Which really makes his effort to change worthless in some efforts. I really don't know if my words make sense it is hard to describe.
So anyhow about my recent run of bad luck. I am thinking my Aura is tainted and maybe I need to find a form of spirital cleansing to get some good Karma going. Anyone ever done this around her that can give me some advise like if it is a crock or a wonderful thing?
And to Chrome James Blunts song cry is so soo hauntingly beautifully spiritual it makes you feel as if he is speaking to or from ones own soul. Thank you for the reference to the CD that made me discover it. I now own the CD.
So Chrissy....what is it YOU want to do?
Well tomorrow I am leaving for the beach to sit overnight with a friend then Sunday I am taking my boys bowling if they want and then monday I am going out to look for a job again. I may just do the lower paying part time thing. Not for my H but for myself summer is around the corner and I want a great tan!
And if things change as in if my H really ever leaves then I will get that full time job. I am going to pamper myself a bit for now.
Oh and by the way Blackie I have bought myself about 6 or 7 new shirts in the last two weeks along with new makeup and a few other not really needed items like CD's all on H's dime with no guilt (yet)
Hope all have a wonderful day and thank you all for your input and support it is so appreciated
Chrissy, Sorry about your gram is in the nursing home. My MIL/BB's mother (94), her sister (99) and her brother (103) all died in the past couple of years. some were in nursing care and we went almost everyday, but like you say, what about the other 10 hours a day. Meals actually took over an hour each and they had some physical therapy but I could see the days were long for them.
I have always feared her dying. Not to discredit your feelings Chrissy, but think about death from her POV. I bet she is not afraid to die. Most older people I have met that are in bad shape or near death seem to actually be looking forward to death. Aunt (99) said living to be almost 100 is a tough job. One she wished she did not have to show up for everyday.
Sometimes reality sucks. Hope you feel better as the days go on.
You just can’t win with some people so my philosophy is don’t even try. Look at what you need to do for YOU. Don’t worry about spiting him or doing something just because he says not to. Ignore him (either way) and do it for you.