I want to start with some thoughts that may involve others in the same sitch. and looking for their insight.
I've been posting, now 1 year, sadly yesterday was 1 yr. with the bomb dropped of H with OW. In the last month, H and I began MC, and H states he wants to continue MC and recommit to our M. Unfortunately for me, I thought there would be fireworks of H spewing his renewal to try, but mostly H has big time guilt and it is hard for me to get past this and have empathy for him. He is SO quiet about talking and I am trying so hard not to push. How do we as LBS spouses get past this, and also the real selfishness they still seem to have when it comes to their trying. So much I perceive from him as just going through the motions. I have read notes from a month ago that H wrote to the OW that he will "try" the MC and that he will "try" not to have any contact with OW for 2-3 months. Of course I did not let on to H that I read this. H does come home every night now, SL started between us and few periods of true intimacy beginning. H calls me often, BUT even with no obvious contact to the OW he admits they "email" sometimes. Our MC said H should write the "it's over" letter to the OW and have me read. During the MC session I agreed, yes, this would help me a great deal. Now 1 month a long the road, NO letter, and I have only occasionally asked and trying hard not to push. H replies with " I have to find the right words to her"--I sense he is either keeping her "just in case" or maybe could H really feel guilty about hurting the OW ( and 3 children ), they were together 2 years!
How do you DB and deal with this creature still lurking in the background? Tried to get H to talk and I will not pressure, but feel so much ambivalence on his part. I know patience now is more important than ever, but looking for how others have come through this part.
I look back at how far we have come in 1 yr., but is H just "going through the motions" so he can say he tried?
How as the LBS are we able to empathize with their overwhelming guilt, when I just want to club him on the head and scream about my pain for a year!!!--No, I won't club for real, and I do really try to keep up the GAL and positive attitude.
I should be, and want to read about true forgiveness, but want to be able to forgive, when this OW is finally gone.
Hi JeanB I wish I could give you an answer as I am facing a very similar dilemma!!
I do sense a whole lot of positives from your post here, however. What I see is a husband who has 1) admitted to his affair, 2) verbalizes regret/remorse, 3) is attending MC, 4) has verbalized an intent to reconcile, 5) comes home every night and 6) intimacy is slowly coming back into the picture.
It is so easy to look at the negatives. But out of all the pain and suffering you have gone through, there are definitely positives again. I wish I could say I had some of your positives!
I totally relate to your feeling of not seeing progress, perceiving ambivalence on his part and a notion that he is "hedging" by not giving up both worlds...it is cruel and at times intolerable to feel like he is keeping one foot in his other relationship while keeping one in yours.
In my sitch, my wife hasn't even owned up and admitted to doing anything wrong. She has not admitted to any infidelity and flatly denies that there is such thing as an 'emotional affair'. I strongly sense that there was a physical affair but have been unable to prove it like I have the emotional affair. She has stated that she wants to reconcile and wants to work on it. We have even gotten a smidgen of our physical intimacy back, which basically boils down to long hugs and slight touches, mostly initiated by me. While I have been advised to stop pursuing, I have found that the 'positive buttons' to push that work best for me are the non-sexual physical touching and the results have been very promising. I, too, am in that situation where I fear that she is ambivalent, not really wanting to try very hard, and just wants to find the right time to walk out completely having 'gone through the motions'.
But you know what? This is a form of self-torture. You CAN be an agent of change. If you fall back on your heels and do nothing, then he most likely WILL walk. By NOT DBing, your situation WON'T improve. So roll up the sleeves, swallow the pride, and bust! There are days that are excruciating for me, and you will have them too...that's when coming here for encouragement will be that much more important. The more you remain upbeat and push positive buttons only with your H, the higher the chances you provide for success. Save your grieving and frustrations for here--we'll give you hugs!! Promise!
Hi there...also facing a similar facet of your sitch's. H seems ambivalent (confused) and neither committing, neither walking away. I fear that he is just waiting for me to get sick of everything, and say, I've had enough so he won't feel guilty of being the one to cut the cord. So, he doesn't try very hard either, to make me believe that it's over. On the other hand, he fully admits he's still confused and something holding him back from committing fully.
I take it as him needing space to sort out his feelings and pain. I can understand. When this all exploded, I just pushed hard for "fixing" and pulled him through. Wrong. Now, I've completely backed off, and am taking time to figure out who I want to be, what I used to be, what I want in a M, and just being nice and caring and loving to H. Like Mr MD said, pushing the positive buttons.
Remember, you are a wonderful, worthy, valuable woman. You have lots to give and you are above being insecure, worried and frustrated. You are happy with yourself, so forget the rest. It's not your problem. There WILL be a day when your H fully committs with words and love. Be patient. He is really confused...2 years is a long time to rip away from and long time to come back and figure out what you want. Remember, be patient, but also make sure you get in M what you wanted, and that he has changed as well. Support him in this.
